Unfogging the Past
by Ruan Chun Xian
Summary: A story where Xiao Yan Zi is more mature and old memories return to haunt them. Everybody must learn that there are many different kinds of love, and you could only ever hurt the one you love. So very AU.
1. Home Coming

**Forewords – Author's Notes**

* * *

Once when visiting Xiao Yan Zi in the palace, Xiao Jian met Qing Er. They fell in love. Because of this, Xiao Jian definitely let go of his past grudge against the Emperor. He told Xiao Yan Zi about their family's past with the Emperor and Xiao Yan Zi, then still engaged to Yong Qi, agreed to let the past be the past, especially when they realised their version of events could be biased and was told second hand. They also agreed to tell the Emperor but not Lao Fo Ye. However, Lao Fo Ye still found out the truth about their family background and the fact that Qing Er and Xiao Jian were in love. She used the information to end Yong Qi's engagement to Xiao Yan Zi as she felt Yong Qi's chances to be Crown Prince would be lessened if he married Xiao Yan Zi. Lao Fo Ye therefore told Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi that she will not charge Xiao Jian with treason from his previous plans to assassinate the Emperor if they broke off their engagement and Yong Qi marry Xi Lin Jue Luo Mei Ru. If they do this, she would let Xiao Jian and Qing Er marry. If they insist on marrying, however, Xiao Jian would be charged with treason, and so will Er Kang and Zi Wei, since they had previous knowledge of Xiao Jian's plans and did not report him. If they are charged, they will definitely die. So, to save Xiao Jian, Er Kang and Zi Wei, Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi painfully accepted to end their engagement.

And I am quite aware that the Qing empire would never have had an ambassador to anywhere near Europe, nor would have they much trading links between them, considering Sino-European relations at that time was appallingly bad, where China thinks it's the centre of the universe and doesn't need to affiliate itself with barbaric countries of Europe. But for the sake of this story, I had to make them have an ambassador to England (it's far away enough). Just bear with the historical inaccuracy a bit!

* * *

**Chapter 1: Home Coming**

* * *

Yong Qi stared blankly at the long and boring looking report in front of him. He had read the opening about five times and the meaning still had not made any appearance. He let out an exasperated sigh and snapped the report closed. He knew he would not get much work done tonight.

Yong Qi looked up as the door to the study opened and a young woman walked in. Her presence didn't surprise him. His wife would often make her appearance while he was working to offer him refreshments.

Yong Qi looked at her. There was a part of him that that was thankful that she was his wife, however, there was a much larger part of him that regretted and agonised over the fact that his wife, the woman he was to share his life with, could not have been someone else.

Yong Qi shook himself. No, it was not Mei Ru's fault that they were trapped in this marriage. Nor was it his fault. He really didn't have anyone to blame. If he had to place blame, he could only blame Heaven for having him born who he was.

Yong Qi bit back a sigh as Mei Ru raised an eyebrow at his melancholy look. But she didn't comment. She knew all too well what goes on in his mind every time he sets eyes on her and was reminded who she was...to him. She set down the teacup she was holding in her hands and walked behind his chair, rested her chin on the top of his head as her fingers massaged the pain that had settled in his neck and shoulder from sitting in the same position for a long time. Yong Qi could not help but marvel how they could be in this position, a position which onlookers might take as very intimate, and still have completely platonic feelings towards each other.

"At least this year, Lao Fo Ye is not here to remind us about what today is anymore," Mei Ru said. Though like the rest of the family, Yong Qi had felt enormous grief at his grandmother's passing away five months ago, but there was a part of his that was selfishly relieved that, indeed, like Mei Ru said, Lao Fo Ye was no longer here to bring up unpleasant memories, unpleasant subjects of conversations and remind him of days that he longed to forget but could not.

Mei Ru sighed audibly above him, and asked, "What plans to do you have for tonight?" Mei Ru asked sarcastically.

"How does no plan is good plan sound?" Yong Qi asked back.

"Perfect. Not, that, of course, I will have anyone to have to lie to about how I spent the night of my wedding anniversary," Mei Ru said, a sneer just audible in her tone.

Yong Qi smiled deprecatingly. No, they could from now on spend all their nights however they wanted and never have to be interrogated about them. He knew his grandmother meant well, but it didn't comfort Yong Qi that he should be reminded so constantly of what he lost.

Yong Qi tried not to think of Xiao Yan Zi.

Xiao Yan Zi.

The name that once brought a smille to his face now only reminded him of the pain he was suffering constantly in his heart. He had tried desperately to forget her but forgetting her was as impossible as counting the stars in Heaven. He found out, after he'd tried, that he didn't even want to forget her. Of course, not thinking of her today was impossible, like it was everyday. The day that was supposed to be the anniversary to the happiest day of his life was marred by a loss Yong Qi knew he would never get over.

He knew Lao Fo Ye never liked her. But he didn't think Lao Fo Ye's disapproval would have led to this. The last thing he knew before he was swept into this whirlwind was that he was happily looking forward to his marriage to the love of his life. Then his grandmother had abruptly and bluntly told him that she was not sanctioning the marriage. The marriage was not to take place. Instead, Lao Fo Ye had chosen Mei Ru of the Manchurian Xi Lin Jue Luo clan as his bride.

Looking back now, he knew they were all taken by surprise, him, Xiao Yan Zi, Qian Long, everyone. Who would have thought Lao Fo Ye of all people, one who followed the way of the Buddha, who meditate of higher meanings of life, would resort to blackmail? Yong Qi thought wryly. Yet she had done it. Lao Fo Ye had blackmailed both him and Xiao Yan Zi into agreeing to end their engagement and Yong Qi to marry Mei Ru.

Not long after they returned to Beijing, Xiao Yan Zi had found out about the truth behind her family's death, how Qian Long was the one who ordered their execution. The truth shaken both Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi, but Xiao Yan Zi had, after having had time to think about it, accepted the fact and realised she could not possibly stop loving either Yong Qi or Qian Long if she tried. No, Qian Long was the only father she had ever known. No matter what mistake he made in the past, she would accept it. After all, hadn't Heaven set this up? Hadn't Heaven brought her here, into Qian Long's folds? If Qian Long had been the one to deprive Xiao Yan Zi of her family, he was also the one to give Xiao Yan Zi the family she had then, and the man she loved.

Xiao Yan Zi, Yong Qi, Zi Wei, Er Kang and Xiao Jian had agreed to throw all caution to the wind and told Qian Long the truth about their identities. Qian Long had been greatly shocked but had personally gone through the archives of the case regarding Xiao Yan Zi and Xiao Jian's father and had saw that he had been misled to order the Fang family's execution based on false report. Yet, he was touched that both Xiao Yan Zi and Xiao Jian were ready to let the mistake go, both for their own happiness. Qian Long had long seen that Xiao Yan Zi was too much in love with Yong Qi to ever let his mistake come between their future. Now, he learnt that Xiao Jian and Qing Er had also come to an understanding. If he had been responsible for taking away these two young people's proper childhood, Qian Long vowed he would do everything to ensure their happiness and marriage to their loves.

Everyone involved had agreed not to tell Lao Fo Ye about the truth of the Fang family, however, the spy network in the palace was dense. The truth got back to Lao Fo Ye. Yong Qi would never have imagined Lao Fo Ye ever using her favourite granddaughter, her own Qing Er, as blackmail material over him and Xiao Yan Zi. Lao Fo Ye had given him and Xiao Yan Zi a choice. She would not charge neither Xiao Yan Zi nor Xiao Jian with treason in having the parentage they do (and Xiao Jian having had intentions of killing the Emperor), if Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi were to break off their engagement and Yong Qi were to marry Mei Ru. If they did this, she would continue to accept Xiao Yan Zi as Huan Zhu Ge Ge and let Xiao Jian marry Qing Er. Yong Qi had thought the part about Xiao Jian marrying Qing Er was added as an afterthought, to strengthen the bargain. If they didn't agree to this, she would charge Xiao Jian with treason, and even then, with enough strategy, Xiao Jian would not escape death. Lao Fo Ye knew she had enough power in court so that if she took charge of this case, not even Qian Long could save him.

Yong Qi remembered the terrible dilemma he had been in then. A choice between his and Xiao Yan Zi's happiness against her brother's life. Never before had Yong Qi been more sure that he would leave everything he had to be with Xiao Yan Zi as that moment. He, Xiao Yan Zi, Xiao Jian and Qing Er had all planned their escape, but in the end gave up their plans as they knew the price Zi Wei, Er Kang and the rest of the Fu family would pay if they ran away. Yong Qi knew Lao Fo Ye well enough to know that he could not call her bluff. It was not a bluff. Lao Fo Ye would not hesitate to hurt even Qian Long to punish Yong Qi if he didn't do what she demanded. Never had Yong Qi felt that he hated his grandmother as then. Yet never before had he understood why his grandmother made such decisions as then. He was not as childish as not to see there was a deep belief that this was all for his best interest under all Lao Fo Ye's threats and plans. But he couldn't appreciate such care, tried as he did.

Yet through everything, it had been Xiao Yan Zi who convinced Yong Qi, Xiao Jian and Qing Er all to follow Lao Fo Ye's set up. She had somehow managed to talk Yong Qi into accepting Lao Fo Ye's plan, leaving her on her own to endure her broken heart.

As soon as they agreed to the plan, Xiao Jian and Qing Er's wedding had taken place first. Then Yong Qi and Mei Ru had married. His wedding day, the day he had imagined just months before to be happiest days of his life, was a big nightmare, a nightmare he knew he could not wake from.

He had only met Mei Ru once before their wedding, before Lao Fo Ye came up with this elaborate plan. At the time, he had liked her; she and Xiao Yan Zi seemed to be drawn to each other. He knew, under other circumstances, the two young women would have been the best of friends.

Yet tried as he might, Yong Qi soon found he could not hate Mei Ru, or help liking her. There was no doubt that Mei Ru was very intelligent, beautiful and accomplished, in other words, everything a man could possibly hope for in a wife. Yet their relationship was that of a very platonic friendship, where both of them were aware they didn't love each other and both were forced into this marriage.

Yet, somehow, Yong Qi had felt that Mei Ru was at least lucky. Mei Ru at least knew the object her heart was no longer alive. She didn't have anything to look over her shoulders to. Xiao Yan Zi...Yong Qi closed his eyes as he remembered how the morning after his wedding night (a night which he and Mei Ru had spent sitting on opposite sides of the room, neither able to get any sleep or peace of mind), he came to Fang residence only to find Xiao Jian, Qing Er, Zi Wei and Er Kang all present and for them to tell him that Xiao Yan Zi had disappeared during the night. She had left a letter behind for him, in which she explained she could not possibly stay and face him as a married man and she was not his wife. Yong Qi couldn't blame her for leaving. No, he had half expected her departure. He knew Xiao Yan Zi had been deeply hurt by his grandmother's plans, more than she ever told him. The looks she gave him were more than enough to tell him of the heartbreak she must have been going through. The very same heartbreak he still suffered from today, three years after the night she left.

Qian Long had conducted a search for Xiao Yan Zi, despite the young people's protests that it would do Xiao Yan Zi more harm than good to drag her back to Beijing, having to face Yong Qi and Lao Fo Ye again. However, the search had been in vain. No trace of Xiao Yan Zi had been found and eventually, after nearly a year, Qian Long had given up, feeling guilty that he had been powerless to regain his adopted daughter, to stop the agony his favourite son and daughter were going through in losing Xiao Yan Zi.

Yong Qi could not blame his father. He had done everything he could. He knew Lao Fo Ye would have her way when she set her mind to it. Yet he felt guilty that all this drama that didn't involve them directly at all had put a gloom over Zi Wei and Er Kang's wedding a year after his own. They didn't deserve this turmoil before their wedding. And now, when he looked at them, Yong Qi could not contain the jealousy he felt at their happiness. That glow of bliss that surrounded Er Kang and Zi Wei should have been theirs as well, his and Xiao Yan Zi's. He knew there was always a shadow over Xiao Jian and Qing Er's marriage of how it had came about, and he felt guilty for being part of it. He knew they were also feeling guilty for the state of his marriage. He had found it extremely hard to congratulate either of his friends when Qing Er and Zi Wei announced their pregnancies. He had sat with both Xiao Jian and Er Kang throughout the births of their respective children wishing he was in their situation, knowing he might never understand the agitation they were going through, never knowing what it was like being a father.

Yong Qi considered Mei Ru. It was not Mei Ru's fault. She was as much a victim as he was in this marriage. A victim of her family's ambition for power, for status. She was forced into this as he was. Yet these three years, she had been his comfort. She had listened to him pour his heart out to her one night, taken in every detail about everything that went on between him and Xiao Yan Zi. She had let him pour his frustrations, his pain, and his heartbreak out to her. And she had understood. She didn't judge him, but comforted him. As aloof and cold as Mei Ru appeared on the outside, Yong Qi had come to see that she possessed a big heart, a heart that she had lost to love, but could still offer him in friendship. Together, they had deflected every attempt on Lao Fo Ye's side to persuade them to consummate their marriage and have children. It had always been Lao Fo Ye who threw not-so-subtle hints at them on this subject, something that only reminded both of them too clearly of what they lost. They both knew neither of them wanted this marriage. If they had to live together, they would be friends. But they would not consummate this marriage. Not when neither of them felt the inclination nor the passion.

Yong Qi knew Mei Ru had taught herself to lock up her feelings and passion deep inside her heart and put on a mask of serenity. It was her defence against her family's berating the man she loved, her defence against the constant talks of marriage before she married Yong Qi, the only way she knew how to stop herself from hurting. It had taken him a while for Mei Ru to confide in him, but Yong Qi eventually found out that Mei Ru was in love with another man, named Du An, of a lower class than herself. Her father, a high ranking official, had always had his heart set on her marrying well, no lower than a prince. She, a pure-blood Manchurian, could hardly be allowed to marry a lowly common Han, in her father's opinion. After a failed attempt to elope, Mei Ru's father had beat Du An to death. Mei Ru never recovered from the loss or the cruelty of her father. It had taken Yong Qi, Zi Wei and Qing Er a good long time before they could get Mei Ru to see a point in life again, and to show more on her face than a cold passivity.

And tonight, the night of their third wedding anniversary, they both knew the last thing on either of their minds right now was celebration. Their wedding anniversary had always been a day of pain for Yong Qi, who only was reminded of Xiao Yan Zi's departure and a time of deep sorrow for Mei Ru because the day reminded her of what she could have had, had she been born into a different family. Both their miseries on this day had made it a strangely comforting time for both of them, when they could just sympathise with each other and forget the fact that they were actually married in the first place.

They had both retired to sit on the couch on the opposite side of his work desk.

"I saw your father today; he was in a very odd mood. Do you know what he's on about?" Yong Qi asked.

"Hmm? Oh he's just annoyed that there are rumours about Huang Ah Ma reconsidering his will, especially the clause about the heir to the throne," Mei Ru answered.

"Oh! I'm glad, actually, that Huang Ah Ma is reconsidering," Yong Qi said.

Mei Ru laughed. "Do you realise the irony of the situation? We married so that Lao Fo Ye could have the hope of you being made Crown Prince some day, and now the whole reason Huang Ah Ma is not making you Crown Prince is that you don't have an heir, and that's because you married me. We're supposed to be upset that Huang Ah Ma's considering taking you off the roll for succession, but we're both rejoicing in it. My father would have a fit if he knew how much we're not disturbed by this news."

Yong Qi said derisively. "Some people around here need to get a life and realise the world doesn't revolve around who they take precedence over."

"What if Huang Ah Ma still keeps you on?" Mei Ru asked. "It's not impossible, you know. Huang Ah Ma might just decide the throne can pass on to one of your brothers or nephews after you and give it to you anyway."

"I think Huang Ah Ma knows that if it's given to me, I will take it, perhaps not with joy like my brothers, but with the responsibilities that the job is due. It is just - Huang Ah Ma must know there are too many times when I let my feelings lead my way instead of my head and I can hardly think anyone in this court agreeing with such logic."

Mei Ru hesitated. "You and Xiao Yan Zi together would have been perfect choice to rule over this country. You both value the people too well to abuse your power, you complement each other out. She's stubborn enough to endure your own stubbornness. But I hardly think you and I would have made such a good team."

"How would you know?" Yong Qi asked blankly. Mei Ru hardly ever spoke of Xiao Yan Zi, as he hardly ever spoke of Du An, seeing as those were sore subjects for both of them. "You only saw us together once before this whole hullabaloo started up and our lives get totally turned upside down."

"I saw enough to see that there couldn't have been a better match to be found anywhere. I am only sorry Lao Fo Ye never - " Here, Mei Ru broke off, sighing.

Yong Qi knew very well that for years, the name of the prince that was to succeed Qian Long to the throne, as present in Qian Long's will, was his own. He never desired the position and could never see how his brothers could throw away every good principle to kill each other for the position. Yet paradoxically, it was his obvious neglect to fight for it that made Qian Long chose him all this time as his heir. It had never been an official transaction but the whole court had known that he was Qian Long's choice. Yet Yong Qi felt a strange satisfaction that Qian Long was now forced to reconsider. Qian Long knew Yong Qi well enough that he would not go against his principles and have children with Mei Ru just for the sake of getting heirs. Qian Long knew he could not let Yong Qi inherit the throne without having heirs to eventually inherit from him. As much hopes as Qian Long placed on Yong Qi, and as much faith as Qian Long had in that Yong Qi would be the ruler that China needed, he knew Yong Qi didn't deserve to have another decision about his life forced on him. Not after what Lao Fo Ye had forced him into. Qian Long knew Yong Qi was reluctant to admit the fact that he had such high chance to be the next emperor of China. Yet Qian Long also knew, if it came down to it, Yong Qi would accept his responsibilities fully. But Qian Long could not bear the thought of forcing Yong Qi into anything. If it meant he had to look elsewhere for his successor, so be it.

Yong Qi was far from being ignorant of the sacrifice Qian Long was making in reconsidering him as his heir. He knew, however little he agreed to it or admitted it, that Qian Long truly believed that he was the best choice out of all the princes for the throne. By stopping himself from forcing a reluctant Yong Qi to take the throne, at what could be the expense of the well being of his country, Qian Long was showing more fatherly love and affection than Yong Qi had ever known him to show. Displays of affection between Qian Long and his sons had always been next to nonexistent, this sacrifice was significant indeed.

Having seventeen sons, however, Qian Long was in no shortage of choice. Surely, Yong Qi would have been the best choice, but there were others capable of the job. And Yong Qi's qualities would still be put to good use for the country, if Qian Long chose the right brother that Yong Qi would get on and cooperate successfully with.

Qian Long knew, without a doubt, that the most suitable candidate who would make as good a ruler as Yong Qi for China, as well as would appreciate the assets Yong Qi brought to the throne, was his third son.

"I have a sneaking feeling I know who Huang Ah Ma would choose as his successor," Yong Qi told Mei Ru.

"Who?"

"My brother," Yong Qi shrugged.

"No, really? I thought it'd be my brother!" Mei Ru said sarcastically.

"Technically, he's your brother as well. But anyway, to refer to the other princes, I am using the word brother very lightly. San Ah Ge Yong Zhang is the only one of all the princes I would truly call my brother in the truest sense of the word. Anyway, Huang Ah Ma had a concubine once, named Lan Fei," Yong Qi told her. "She was originally my mother's maid, but caught Huang Ah Ma's fancy and he made her a concubine. She actually died giving birth to San Ah Ge, so my mother took Yong Zhang in as her son. He and I were very close, well when he was still living in China, at least. He is three years older than me but there didn't seem to be an age difference between us. He didn't mind my tagging along with everything he did. Yong Zhang had always been interested in foreign countries, especially far away ones like England. When Huang Ah Ma sent Yong Zhang's maternal uncle, Chen Ke Lin to England to act as an ambassador, Yong Zhang begged Huang Ah Ma to let him go with his uncle. Huang Ah Ma was very reluctant at first, because he was only seventeen then, but in the end, Huang Ah Ma finally agreed. Back then, I was pretty young so Yong Zhang was on top of Huang Ah Ma's list of potential successor. He would still have been these last few years had he not gone galloping off half way across the world. Now Huang Ah Ma's calling him back. I think Huang Ah Ma's not going to make it official soon, just subjecting Yong Zhang to court again, to see how he copes. At least that's what he told me. He told me Yong Zhang has been away for too long. He will have to come back sometime, and now is as good time as any. It's been ten years. Anyway, Huang Ah Ma received a letter from Yong Zhang yesterday and he's already on his way from England."

"I always wondered what happened to San Ah Ge. I mean, I've met all your brothers and no one seems to ever talk about San Ah Ge so I never asked - "

"I think it's more that he's been away for so long. Correspondence is rare and few in between that there's nothing really to talk about him. I'll be glad to see him again. We were really close but then again it's been ten years so I'll have to see how that's drawn us apart."

"It shouldn't have. Why should it? I don't think neither of you would have changed in essence."

"Perhaps."

* * *

Nearly a month later, San Ah Ge was due to arrive Beijing. Knowing his third son was reserved in his life like his fifth, Qian Long didn't plan an elaborate greeting with the whole court present like was due, but a more subdued greeting of just him, Yong Qi, Ling Fei and Er Kang in Qian Qing Gong. They would be presented to the rest of court later on in a banquet that night.

This proved to be an unconsciously wise move.

Yong Zhang didn't arrive to Beijing alone as they had all expected. When Qian Long, Ling Fei, Yong Qi and Er Kang entered Qian Qing Gong, they were greeted with the sight of Yong Zhang. He was a tall young man, not obviously handsome like his brother Yong Qi, but there was an open, alert countenance on his face that rendered him looking very amiable. There was a distinct aura of aristocracy about his manners that was the perfect sign of his coming from the most illustrious empire in Asia.

His companion gave his family the biggest shock they had suffered in the longest time. Though being Yong Zhang's "sister", he had only met her on the ship on the way back to China. The woman was young, about four and twenty, though there were faint signs of a troubled life on her countenance.

When our greeting party entered Qian Qing Gong and before they even had a chance to greet Yong Zhang, all four stopped dead in their track and looked at the young woman, all with great degrees of shock written on their face.

"Xiao Yan Zi!" Yong Qi managed to gasp out as Qian Long, Ling Fei and Er Kang continued to gape at the sight of Xiao Yan Zi before them. Xiao Yan Zi's face dawned with recognition as she looked at Qian Long, Ling Fei and Yong Qi but looked at Er Kang quizzically. Yet there was something on her countenance that bothered Yong Qi, that told him she was not the Xiao Yan Zi he saw last...

_Why is she with Yong Zhang?_ Yong Qi immediately found himself wondering. There didn't seem to be any close interaction between Yong Zhang and Xiao Yan Zi but the fact that Xiao Yan Zi had shown up in the palace suddenly out of the blue, and with his brother, of all people, as an escort, it bothered Yong Qi.

"Well...you obviously know her..." Yong Zhang started and trailed off. He distractedly performed the proper greeting bows to Qian Long and Ling Fei but Qian Long told him to dispense the formality with equal distraction, still staring at Xiao Yan Zi in shock. Xiao Yan Zi, all the while, was shifting awkwardly on her feet.

"Erm - before I tell you all how I found Xiao Yan Zi, can we all sit down first?" Yong Zhang asked. When they were all seated, and Ling Fei regained her senses enough to order refreshment, Yong Zhang began his story.

"The first thing you must know is that Xiao Yan Zi seemed to have suffered some memory loss. I found her as the part of the crew of a merchant ship from China and she was being mistreated. I couldn't let the Chinese merchants know my identity so I bought her off their hands and got her to travel with me." Yong Zhang paused, not really sure whether to tell them what Xiao Yan Zi did remember.

There was a silence as this sank in. "Memory loss?" Yong Qi exclaimed. "But - " He drifted off. Memory loss? What did she remember then?

Qian Long addressed Xiao Yan Zi, "Xiao Yan Zi, do you know who I am?"

"You are the Emperor Qian Long," Xiao Yan Zi whispered hesitantly, as if in fear.

Ling Fei shook her head. "Huang Shang, I think that's a bit obvious! Xiao Yan Zi?' Ling Fei addressed Xiao Yan Zi.

"You are Ling Fei Niang Niang," Xiao Yan Zi whispered again in the same hesitant voice.

Seeing that Yong Qi was way too shocked to speak, Er Kang asked Xiao Yan Zi, "Xiao Yan Zi, what's the last thing you remember? Before you find yourself somewhere on a merchant ship?"

Xiao Yan Zi looked at Er Kang, confused. "I'm sorry, I - I don't think I know you - " Xiao Yan Zi hesitated. Yet there was a similarity in his countenance that she could not place.

Er Kang and Yong Qi looked at each other in astonishment. "You don't know him?" Yong Qi asked. So she knew Ling Fei Niang Niang and not Er Kang.

"No, Wu Ah Ge," Xiao Yan Zi said, saving him the trouble of asking if she knew him. Even then, her way of addressing him told Yong Qi that something was definitely not right.

Yong Qi looked at Ling Fei and Qian Long. "Well, obviously you know Yong Qi and Ling Fei," Qian Long said. "Though I don't understand why you wouldn't know Er Kang."

"Xiao Yan Zi, what is the last you remember? About us, I mean?" Yong Qi repeated Er Kang's question.

"I was - Ling Fei Niang Niang took me to the garden and I was - injured - and we met Wu Ah Ge and Fu Er Tai - "

"Of course, you haven't met Er Kang yet. Er Tai's brother," Yong Qi added when Xiao Yan Zi looked at him quizzically.

"Then the next thing I knew I was on a ship. The owner was Chinese and he said he found me fainted in the streets and gave me work on his ship - "

This startled everyone and Qian Long was the only one sensible enough to voice their scruples. "Yong Zhang, what was the condition you found her in and when was this?" Qian Long snapped urgently. Er Kang, Yong Qi and Ling Fei all looked at Yong Zhang with eyes full of worry. There was an odd blazing look that spoke more than worry in Yong Qi's eyes that quite baffled Yong Zhang.

"Five months ago, sir, when we started out from England. She was much mistreated and erm - well, I was able to hire a young Chinese woman who was travelling home from England to China and she tended to Xiao Yan Zi. We dropped her off just out side Beijing where she was reunited with her family. She did erm - tell me Xiao Yan Zi's virtue has not been compromised - " Yong Zhang added as an afterthought.

There was a deep blush from Xiao Yan Zi and visible sighs of relief from all of the others, none so relieved as Yong Qi.

" - Xiao Yan Zi told me what she remembered and since she obviously has some dealing with our family - " Yong Zhang hesitated here. He didn't know how much Qian Long knew of his long lost daughter and he would not put Xiao Yan Zi's life in danger by saying she was not Qian Long's daughter out in the open.

"Wait, if your memory only went up to that point then you wouldn't be aware - " Yong Qi realised. "Huang Ah Ma, this was before you announced Huan Zhu Ge Ge and well, before everything!"

The realisation apparently dawned on Qian Long, Ling Fei and Er Kang as well. Qian Long smiled slightly at Xiao Yan Zi. "So that's why you seemed so terrified when answering me. I know you are not my daughter by birth, Xiao Yan Zi," Qian Long chuckled.

"You do?" Xiao Yan Zi asked, still nervous. "But then - "

"I think I should get Zi Wei here then. She would need to be here," Qian Long said. Then, to an eunuch, Qian Long ordered, "Summon Ming Zhu Ge Ge, Xiao Jian, Qing Ge Ge, Wu Fu Jin here immediately!"

Xiao Yan Zi looked totally confused. Qian Long turned back to her and explained, "Ming Zhu Ge Ge is Zi Wei. Xiao Jian is your brother - "

Xiao Yan Zi choked on her tea. "I have a brother?" she asked, totally astonished.

"Yes, it will all be explained. Qing Ge Ge is my niece, Xiao Jian's wife. And Wu Fu Jin I think is self-explanatory."

Yong Qi forced his face to remain neutral, though he could not keep a somewhat dejected look out of his face as he half-heartedly accepted Yong Zhang's congratulations on his marriage. Er Kang, Qian Long, Ling Fei who were all familiar with the circumstances of his marriage, didn't comment. Yong Zhang merely raised his eyebrow at his lack of enthusiasm.

"I think I should give you a general idea of what happened after that last memory of yours," Qian Long said to Xiao Yan Zi. "After you were injured, which by the way, do you know who actually shot you?" Qian Long asked, trying to determine whether Xiao Yan Zi would remember anything about any connection between her and Yong Qi.

"I think Wu Ah Ge said that he shot me?" Xiao Yan Zi asked blankly.

Yong Qi grimaced as Qian Long, Ling Fei and Er Kang all looked at him, sighing. She obviously didn't remember what they - not exactly wanted – but hoped she remembered. "You shot her?" Yong Zhang asked, astonished.

"Not on purpose, obviously!" Yong Qi said defensively. "It's a long story."

Qian Long nodded. "To summarise, when you were injured, I mistook you for my daughter, and named you Huan Zhu Ge Ge. After some time, I eventually found out the truth and learnt that my real daughter was Zi Wei and named her Ming Zhu Ge Ge. However, you continued to stay in the palace after that as my adopted daughter, Huan Zhu Ge Ge and - "

" - and then you went off one day, three years ago and we couldn't find you and right now, really it's quite a relief to see that you're back, safe again." Yong Qi knew interrupting the emperor was not something one did lightly, but he could not see how else he could make sure his father does not mention anything to Xiao Yan Zi about _that_.

Obviously, Xiao Yan Zi didn't remember anything about the two of them, or the engagement. The reference to Wu Fu Jin didn't disturb her countenance. She simply didn't remember that part of her life. And he would keep it that way. He could not tell her.

Yong Qi's motives in interrupting Qian Long was not lost on him, Ling Fei or Er Kang but none of them commented.

"That, of course, is the bare bones of the story, but that's all you need to know to calm your nerves right now. I am not about to execute you, no." Qian Long carried on Yong Qi's speech without missing a beat, making it sound like they were in cooperation to tell this story.

At that moment, Xiao Jian, Qing Er, Mei Ru and Zi Wei were all announced.

Qian Long went forward so that the four would have to greet him while still halfway into the room, and hopefully not yet noticed Xiao Yan Zi, to save them the shock. Qing Er's eyes however, found Yong Zhang and her smile widened as she was about to greet her cousin. However, her smile died as she noticed Xiao Yan Zi beside him and let out a gasp, which drew everyone else's attention on Xiao Yan Zi.

Thankfully, Qian Long was able to curb the greeting from the four and briefly explained Xiao Yan Zi's condition to them, meaning that she didn't remember ever meeting any of them, except Zi Wei.

On hearing this news, Mei Ru looked sharply at Yong Qi, and he met her eyes and shook his head slightly. Before she could react, she had to turn back to Xiao Yan Zi as Qian Long was introducing them.

The meeting was awkward, and a bit tense, however, they agreed not to tell Xiao Yan Zi much about her past life yet, waiting until after she had been examined by the physicians before seeing if she couldn't remember details on her own.

After the emotionally exhausting first meeting for all involved, Ling Fei volunteered to take Xiao Yan Zi back to Shu Fang Zhai, where she would now stay and Yong Zhang to his own place called Ren He Gong.

The others, however, lingered at Qian Qing Gong, knowing the situation was not settled as clearly as that.

"We must decide what we are telling her if she can't remember on her own. Of course she will stay here now, but if she has truly lost that part of her life, what exactly are we telling her?" Qian Long asked. The question was more posed at Yong Qi, since he had seen through his son's attempt earlier to not tell Xiao Yan Zi too much.

The others too, looked at Yong Qi. There was not anything about Xiao Yan Zi's life that they couldn't tell her. It was just that particular part of her life.

"We are not telling her about what happened between me and her. It would be much better if she only knew that we were no more than brother and sister," Yong Qi finally said quietly, not looking at any of them.

This decision from Yong Qi didn't surprise any of them. Mei Ru just let out an exasperated sigh. "And you have such brotherly feelings for her," Mei Ru muttered sarcastically under her breath. Yong Qi wheeled around to face her.

"What good would it do for us to tell her? She obviously doesn't remember! If we tell her, things are only going to get awkward, it would only hurt her! She would do better just to forget!" Yong Qi said affectedly.

"She deserves to know the truth, Yong Qi!" Mei Ru snapped back hotly.

"I think," Zi Wei broke in suddenly, "that for now, perhaps we might want to take things slowly. Not tell her...yet. But I don't see how we could keep it from her forever, Yong Qi."

"Why could we not?" Yong Qi challenged stubbornly.

"Because it's her life!" Zi Wei said earnestly. "Yong Qi, none of us should be making this decision of what goes on in her life for her! If we decide to forever keep the truth from her, we are doing just that, and it's not fair."

Eventually, they managed to decide that for now, they would not tell Xiao Yan Zi yet about her previous engagement. However, Yong Qi was sure he would do everything to make sure she never knew.

Mei Ru knew all too well what was going through Yong Qi's head that day and only that night, when they got back from the welcoming feast, where Yong Zhang and Xiao Yan Zi were welcomed back to court, she rounded out on him.

"Yong Qi, I know what you're up to! You're not ever going to tell her, are you? You're going to stop everyone from doing so!"

"Yes," Yong Qi said flatly, knowing it was pointless to fight with Mei Ru.

"Yong Qi! That's not fair! Why shouldn't she know?"

"Because," Yong Qi said exasperatedly, "she has been hurt enough. Tell me, Mei Ru, how am I supposed to tell her this? How do I remind her of everything and watch her hurt again? How? I've hurt her enough, Mei Ru. She deserves so much better and she should just forget me! It's for the best. Perhaps that's why she doesn't remember...because Heaven didn't want her to go through this again..."

"Her head might have forgotten you, but her heart surely has not, Yong Qi! I know that! With the proper encouragement, I think she will come to remember everything between you. You should tell her the truth!"

"No! Why do you want her to remember, anyway, Mei Ru? If she remembers, all three of us will be hurt! That's not fair, Mei Ru. She doesn't deserve the heartbreak again!"

"Yong Qi, then don't let it be a heartbreak! Tell her you love her, I know she still loves you, she just has to find that current buried in her heart again. Tell her the truth! Lao Fo Ye is not here to stop you any longer. You could marry her now!"

"What?" Yong Qi gasped in amazement.

"Yong Qi, you and Xiao Yan Zi deserve the happiness you should have had. You know I would never stand between you."

"Mei Ru," Yong Qi said a bit more gently, "first off, I don't think Xiao Yan Zi will agree to be my concubine. Second, I cannot do that to you."

"First off, she needn't be your concubine. Take her as your wife, she and I will be on equal footing. I do not think Xiao Yan Zi will be as malicious as to abuse me, especially when she knows I have no design on you. Second, what can you not do to me?"

"Mei Ru, tell me, if I marry Xiao Yan Zi, will you be able to stand being there witnessing our happiness without pain?"

"Perhaps not...But I would be happy for you. Yong Qi, just because I've lost my chance of happiness, doesn't mean you have to throw away yours. Xiao Yan Zi deserves the love you've always held for her made clear to her. Yong Qi - "

"Mei Ru, both Xiao Yan Zi and I will never truly be happy to know that we have married and causing you pain over it! Xiao Yan Zi would not stand for it if she knew, and you know it, Mei Ru! I cannot and will not do this to you!"

"Yong Qi, I know our marriage is not exactly happy! We're friends, yes, but it's not the happiness both of us deserve! At least one of us should be happy if we're stuck in this for the rest of our lives. You have that chance at happiness. I do not. I would not be your friend if I grudged you at taking your chance." Mei Ru looked at Yong Qi directly in the eyes.

Yong Qi didn't doubt Mei Ru's good intention. He knew she truly wanted him to be happy, but how could he be guilt-free taking Xiao Yan Zi as his wife when he knew he was causing Mei Ru pain? And how could he marry Xiao Yan Zi if he didn't feel completely free to do it? It would not be fair to Xiao Yan Zi, him or Mei Ru. No, he had made up his mind. Xiao Yan Zi would not know about his feelings for her, no matter how much his heart beat faster every time he saw her, no matter how much he still loved her.

"Mei Ru, can we let this go? It's been a very trying day, I'm really not in the mood to have this argument."

Mei Ru sighed and dropped the subject. At least for now.

It pained Mei Ru to know that Yong Qi was throwing away his happiness for her. Yet she also knew none of this was any of their fault, hers, Yong Qi's or Xiao Yan Zi's. Heaven had somehow played with their emotions and set them up like this. But she, Mei Ru, would do everything she could to persuade Yong Qi into tell Xiao Yan Zi his feelings, and everything that went on between them.

Mei Ru's plan could have succeeded had it not been for one unforeseen glitch.

* * *

The physicians had examined Xiao Yan Zi and had been unable to find the cause of her memory loss, since they didn't know what happened before Xiao Yan Zi woke up and found herself on the ship. Nor were they able to cure her memory loss. It was accepted, then, that Xiao Yan Zi would not remember that span of her life.

Everyone else then debated what they should tell her now, and eventually, somehow, Mei Ru still didn't know how, Yong Qi managed to convince everyone in telling Xiao Yan Zi an edited version, where she was only Qian Long's adopted daughter, everything about Han Xiang and their subsequent escape, and after that, their return. Nothing about the truth of her family's deaths and who ordered it. Xiao Jian was the one who was firm on this decision, not wanting to hurt Xiao Yan Zi, and knowing that with remembering what she did, Xiao Yan Zi would probably not be able to let the truth go so smoothly this time, considering her bond to Qian Long was less strong than before. Of course, nothing about her ever being engaged, to Yong Qi or otherwise.

The others only agreed to this last clause to buy time. They knew that Yong Qi could be stubborn when he wanted to, and this was such time. They had all hoped, with time, he would eventually come around, after the situation had settled more, and tell her everything.

They didn't suspect that an obstacle to this situation yet the obstacle became obvious very early after Xiao Yan Zi resettled into Shu Fang Zhai again as Huan Zhu Ge Ge.

Yong Qi was in fact one of the first to notice a passionate romantic interest Yong Zhang displayed for Xiao Yan Zi. Yong Zhang had always been reserved, and his interest in Xiao Yan Zi though subtly displayed, Yong Qi could easily recognise it as ardent. Yong Zhang was not one to show his emotions lightly, yet the deep concern he showed for Xiao Yan Zi's well being was obvious and there was a warmth in his voice as he spoke to and about her that was not present otherwise.

It eventually became obvious to everyone that Yong Zhang was courting Xiao Yan Zi, and that she, unaware of any other attachments of her heart, it being buried under forgotten memories, welcomed his attentions. Xiao Yan Zi had no reason to wonder about Yong Qi's motives or feelings towards her, as he was always reserved around her, sometimes almost distant. Xiao Yan Zi sensed that somehow, Yong Qi was not warming up to her like the rest of the family, despite the obvious signs that he deeply cared about her. Yet the fact that he was married, the fact he never talked to her unless totally necessary, the fact that he seemed to go out of his way to avoid her, made Xiao Yan Zi push any suspicion of something more than brotherhood from him out of her mind. Had Xiao Yan Zi thought about it more, she might have realised how this seeming coldness conflicted with the obvious concern and care he showed for her the few times he did allow himself to address her, to spend time with her and the fact that he always seemed to crop up in her conversations with others and they always made sure to tell her that Yong Qi had asked after her.

The road that the relationship between Yong Zhang and Xiao Yan Zi was heading to made everyone nervous. They had half-expected Yong Qi, upon seeing this, to give in to his feelings and tell Xiao Yan Zi everything, so that she knew what she was choosing between. However, their expectation was disappointed. Seeing Yong Zhang's growing love for Xiao Yan Zi and not seeing her scruples about welcoming his addresses, Yong Qi had vowed to himself that he would never tell Xiao Yan Zi the truth. No, if his brother can woo Xiao Yan Zi, and make her happy, he would not stand in their way. Yong Qi withdrew from Xiao Yan Zi even more, inadvertently giving Yong Zhang and Xiao Yan Zi more time for their courtship. Yong Qi could see that Xiao Yan Zi liked Yong Zhang a great deal. He had seen her open up his brother more than he had seen anyone done. And Yong Zhang, himself, had no trouble putting smiles on Xiao Yan Zi's face. Part of him was glad that Xiao Yan Zi could find happiness with someone else, when he could never bring her the happiness she deserved. There was a part of him that agonised over the growing feelings between Yong Zhang and Xiao Yan Zi, but he pushed it back out of his mind. He could not be so selfish. No, he had accepted that she could never be his. If so, at least he could make sure that she would be loved by a good man, who would treat her right and cherish her as much as he did.

It was still a bittersweet moment, with the bitter outweighing the sweet, when Yong Zhang told Yong Qi about his plans to propose to Xiao Yan Zi. They were in Ren He Gong when Yong Zhang suddenly turned to Yong Qi and asked abruptly, "What do you think of Xiao Yan Zi?"

Yong Qi kept a carefully masked look of neutrality on his face and asked, "What do you mean what do I think?"

"I mean, if I were to ask her to marry me and Huang Ah Ma gives his permission, how would you feel?"

As he heard these words from his brother, Yong Qi could feel his heart break all over again. He didn't blame his brother for having fallen in love with Xiao Yan Zi. How could he, when he loved her more than he could ever imagine? Nor did he blame Yong Zhang for bringing this up. He had been the one not telling either Xiao Yan Zi or Yong Zhang about what happened between him and Xiao Yan Zi. Yong Qi didn't regret his decision. No, it was a good decision. She would be happier with Yong Zhang, not knowing that she was ever in love with Yong Qi, than for her to know the truth.

"If you are sure you can be happy together, then I'd be happy for you," Yong Qi said quietly. "Are you going to do it then, ask her to marry you?"

Yong Zhang's tone became more gentle and loving as he thought about Xiao Yan Zi. "Yes. I've never met anyone like her, Yong Qi. Never! She's such a breath of fresh air, she's nothing like the ladies we've always been exposed to in court...I've never really thought I'd marry, considering the amount of time I spent in England and then I know coming back to court would be a hard move...But she's always put a smile on my face, she's changed my life so much...Her views of the world are so different. She saw right through the hypocrisy of people in court. She dared to say no to Huang Ah Ma...how often do you find that courage and independence from other ladies here?"

Yong Qi let Yong Zhang ramble on about the things he loved about Xiao Yan Zi. Every word was like a stab to his heart, because Yong Qi recognised everything he himself loved about Xiao Yan Zi. Yong Zhang was in enough of his own world to not realise the momentary pained looks on Yong Qi's face when Yong Zhang spoke about Xiao Yan Zi. Then, Yong Qi, not being able to subject himself to listening Yong Zhang talk this way about Xiao Yan Zi anymore, asked, "Do you love her?"

"Yes." Yong Zhang's answer was immediate and full of conviction. Yong Qi didn't know whether he hurt more from the statement or rejoiced more, for Xiao Yan Zi's sake.

"Can you promise to make her happy and treat her right?"

"Yong Qi, her happiness is all that I could ever wish for in my life. I would be willing to die for her to be happy."

"Then - " Yong Qi hesitated at what he was about to say. He knew by saying this, he was hurting himself beyond anything he had ever felt, but for Xiao Yan Zi's happiness, he would endure it. " - you have my blessings for you marriage."

"I do?" Yong Zhang asked, a bit surprised.

"Yes, why should you sound so surprised?"

"Because - I don't know...I don't know why all of the sudden you seem so particular about Xiao Yan Zi...I never had the impression that you were...well...you always seemed to detached from her."

"I do care about her, Yong Zhang, after all, she is my sister...And I did nearly kill her with my arrow, you know. That ought to make things a bit awkward." The last bit he added as a distraction, to steer Yong Zhang's attention away from his behaviour towards Xiao Yan Zi. It worked and Yong Zhang came back to talk about Xiao Yan Zi again, unknowingly causing Yong Qi even more pain, but Yong Qi gritted his teeth and tried to convince himself that this was for the best. And he really did want Yong Zhang to succeed with his suit, that their union might be a happy one. Even if Xiao Yan Zi would hate him if she ever found out. Even if everyone else would bear down on him in a most insufferable manner when they knew what he had done. But Xiao Yan Zi would be happy. That was what he needed.

Yong Zhang didn't realise that while he was thinking this, Yong Zhang's thoughts had turned from Xiao Yan Zi. "How about you, Yong Qi? You want me to be happy and I am sure I will be, but are you happy?"

Yong Qi looked up and met Yong Zhang's eyes. For a very brief moment, there was a flicker of - what? pain, regret, sorrow, Yong Zhang could not differentiate them - in his eyes, but then Yong Qi looked away again, before answering as neutrally as he could, which, considering the situation, was not very well, "I don't think it takes a genius to see that I didn't marry Mei Ru out of love, Yong Zhang."

Yong Qi could not keep some bitterness out of his voice. But right now, thinking about Yong Zhang and Xiao Yan Zi, as well as him and Mei Ru, together, in such a short space of time, was not doing much to make him lose the bitterness he felt for the life fate had dealt him.

"I guessed as much. You are friendly around each other but I never saw anything more - affectionate," Yong Zhang said hesitantly. Only then did Yong Zhang really realise how ten years of separation and the fact that they were older now, with more complicated feelings, it seemed as if they could no longer be as close as they were once. No, more precisely, Yong Zhang realised that Yong Qi seem to not be able to confide in him. He had been too occupied with Xiao Yan Zi to spend much time with Yong Qi ever since he returned to China, and he wondered if some of Yong Qi's bitterness rose from that.

Only now, the first time since he returned that he had the chance to really talk with Yong Qi, Yong Zhang realised now maybe he had let his feelings for Xiao Yan Zi come between their brotherhood and he deeply regretted that, because he, himself, had been so careless. Yong Qi, certainly, he could feel, had put up a barrier between them. Yong Zhang knew there were things that bothered Yong Qi that he was not telling his brother. Yong Zhang had always felt, before, that he had been his brother's confidant, more so than even the Fu brothers. But was he still that, really? They have not seen each other for ten years after all. Yong Qi obviously was closer to Er Kang than ever.

Now looking at the frown on Yong Qi's face, Yong Zhang wondered if there was more to that expression than just dissatisfaction in his marriage.

"That's exactly what we are, really. Friends. Mei Ru makes it clear that her heart was not free to give, not that I would seek it, otherwise. I guess I should count myself lucky that neither Mei Ru or I have any intention of pursuing each other in this marriage. Do you know how lucky you are that you actually get a choice in who you're marrying? Lao Fo Ye is no longer here to stop you," Yong Qi ended harshly. Again, Yong Zhang wondered if there was more than just resentment at the arranged nature of his marriage that made Yong Qi become so cynical.

"You would have another choice to make if you were allowed to make it?" Yong Zhang asked, hoping it was not too direct a question.

Yong Qi sighed regretfully. "No, I cannot blame Lao Fo Ye, you know. I know she did what she thought was best for me...It doesn't help...but let's just say, by now, _she_ could never be mine. I've quite resigned myself to the fact. But Yong Zhang, you don't need to be bothered about the troubles of my life right now."

Yong Zhang looked at his brother's face. There was a shadow over his countenance that Yong Zhang was sure he never saw before. He knew Yong Qi was far from happy with his life, but yet at the same time, he didn't know what it was that made Yong Qi's life so obviously painful for him. Placing a hand on his brother's shoulder, Yong Zhang said, "You know if you ever want to want, I will be willing to listen."

Yong Qi looked at Yong Zhang. He knew that Yong Zhang was worried about him. He was afraid that he might not be able to guard his emotions related to Xiao Yan Zi and one day, Yong Zhang would find him out. He knew he could never confide in Yong Zhang, not about this. But the gesture brought him momentarily back to the past, when his - their - lives were so much more simple, before his life was thrown upside down, by Xiao Yan Zi's presence.


	2. Shadows of the Past

**Chapter 2: Shadows of the Past**

* * *

If Yong Qi knew how Yong Zhang proposed to Xiao Yan Zi, he would have fallen over in shock at the irony of the situation.

Years ago, just after Yong Qi's mother died, when Yong Zhang was eleven and Yong Qi was eight, the two boys were exploring the palace, trying to pass the time and the pain. They stumbled on this secret passage in the garden, a secret passage that led to the meadow that Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi knew as the Swallow Meadow. Then, when they were boys, the place didn't have a name. But it was their place, a place they could be free, away from their other petty brothers. It was a place of the joys and pains of their childhood.

When Yong Zhang left for England, at age seventeen and Yong Qi was fourteen, Yong Qi didn't come back to the meadow again. It lay there forgotten, pushed back in the memories of Yong Qi's childhood until he and Xiao Yan Zi discovered it again when he met and fell in love with her, four years later. From then on, Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi had named it the Swallow Meadow.

Yong Zhang couldn't think of a better place to tell Xiao Yan Zi of his feelings and intentions than this. By taking her to this meadow, he was offering her the soul of his childhood, the making of the man he was today.

A strange sense of déjà vu hit Xiao Yan Zi hard as she first set foot into the meadow. Something told her she had been here before, many times. but she couldn't tell when. Something told her there was more to this meadow than just Yong Zhang's childhood haunt. Foggy memories stirred in Xiao Yan Zi's head, like something out of a dream...ghostlike...hidden thickly behind veils of smoke...that Xiao Yan Zi couldn't see past.

Xiao Yan Zi pushed the strange feeling out of her head. Why should she feel so particular about this place? It certainly was beautiful...but that was all there was to it, wasn't there?

"Xiao Yan Zi...there is a reason why I wanted you to see this place," Yong Zhang whispered behind her, as Xiao Yan Zi stood under the willow tree by the lake, without knowing she had spent many hours right in that spot, in another man's arms. "I want to tell you...how much I have ... admired and fallen in love with you, Xiao Yan Zi."

Xiao Yan Zi spun around to face Yong Zhang. She was not entirely surprised to hear Yong Zhang's confession but something lurched in her heart, and she wondered if it was a sign of welcome to what Yong Zhang was about to say...or quite the opposite.

"I - " Xiao Yan Zi hesitated and looked at Yong Zhang carefully, trying to determine how she really felt about him. She knew that she admired him greatly, for his skills and abilities. She owed him her life; he had, after all, rescued her from her slavery. He returned her to people who were her family. He cared greatly about her. But Xiao Yan Zi was still so confused. Did she love him, really? There was no doubt that she liked him. A lot. There were times when Xiao Yan Zi wondered if the sweeping feelings she felt in the pit of her stomach at times, when she looked at Zi Wei and Er Kang's happiness, was a longing for someone to love, and to love her, like that. Was he the face that haunted her dreams every night ever since she returned to court, a face that she could never make out once she was awake?

While all this was going on in Xiao Yan Zi's head, Yong Zhang went on. "I have never felt this way about any woman in my life, Xiao Yan Zi. I have always thought, considering I've been away from China for so long, that I would never marry. It certainly wouldn't be a loss to my family. This family's got too many women in it already. It never bothered me that I might never marry. But that was only because my heart never was touched before I met you, Xiao Yan Zi. Till eight-and-twenty, I never knew what it was like to be in love, to love someone so much that I cannot imagine the rest of my life without that person. You, Xiao Yan Zi, you control my heart. I know my marriage is not entirely my decision. Huang Ah Ma arranges my marriage, but I can still point in him in the right direction. I think he will not have anything to disapprove of on our parts. So now, I want to ask you if you would make me the happiest of men in consenting to be my wife."

A strange sense of want swept over Xiao Yan Zi. She hardly understood where the strange feeling came from but there was something inside her urging her to accept. She liked him very much, indeed. Xiao Yan Zi was quite sure that he would not mistreat her. He was handsome, dependable, a gentleman, who loved her. What else could she want? No, there was nothing wrong with Yong Zhang, nothing that didn't recommend him to be a good husband. And watching everyone else around her married, she wanted so much know what that feels like. To be a part of someone else.

So she said yes.

* * *

Yong Zhang and Xiao Yan Zi's engagement was first announced at a dinner, which Yong Qi, Mei Ru, Xiao Jian, Qing Er, Er Kang, Zi Wei, Ling Fei and Qian Long all attended. The announcement was met with mixed reactions. Ling Fei, Qian Long and Yong Qi already knew, of course, but the others were all shocked at the news, even though they all have been expecting (or fearing) it for some time.

Thankfully, Yong Zhang was too occupied at gazing at Xiao Yan Zi and she too busy looking down at her lap, her face flushed red, to notice Yong Qi's slight grimace of pain, Mei Ru nearly choking on her food, Xiao Jian's jaw dropping open, Qing Er's subtle nudge at him to get him to close his mouth, her and Zi Wei's wide eyes, Zi Wei biting her bottom lip hard to stop herself saying anything, Er Kang's quick reproachful look at Yong Qi, all which happened in the course of a few seconds.

The dinner was tense; everyone was looking for a reaction from Yong Qi, but he carefully kept his feelings controlled and a pleasant expression on his face for his brother and Xiao Yan Zi's sake. Of course, they all, not including Yong Zhang and Xiao Yan Zi, who seemed only to have eyes for each other, were watching Yong Qi closely enough to see there were moments when he looked at Yong Zhang and Xiao Yan Zi together with obvious pain in his eyes.

Mei Ru spent the dinner making sure that Yong Qi was very aware of the fact she was not happy at his obvious prior knowledge of the engagement and the fact that he made no move to try and stop it.

That night, Yong Qi sat in his room holding a cup of tea in his hand. He would have liked something considerably stronger, but Yong Qi refused to drown his sorrow in wine. It would not do. Yong Zhang and Xiao Yan Zi didn't deserve him ruining himself over them. He would not thrust that burden on them, even unknowingly to them. He would be happy for them, happy that they, at least, could find happiness together, a happiness he knew he could never have again, a happiness he lost the day he lost Xiao Yan Zi.

The delicate porcelain felt cool in his hand, in contrast to the heat that was building in his body. He didn't know how he managed to get through dinner intact. His heart flamed in jealousy at Yong Zhang's signs of obvious love and affection for Xiao Yan Zi, and at her smiles directed at his brother. Xiao Yan Zi obviously was very pleased with her new fiancé.

For a short moment, Yong Qi closed his eyes and let himself indulge in the gratifying feeling of hating both his brother and Xiao Yan Zi, both because he loved them too much to destroy their happiness by telling them the truth. So this is what people mean by there being a thin line between hate and love, Yong Qi thought. He and Yong Zhang had always had a special bond, their relationship was much closer with each other than with any of their other brothers. Yong Qi knew he would gladly lay down his life for Yong Zhang, just as he was letting go of the love of his life now, for Yong Zhang, for his happiness, for Xiao Yan Zi's happiness. Xiao Yan Zi...no, he could not dwell on her. She was not the Xiao Yan Zi he knew any longer, not the Xiao Yan Zi who was his, who loved him. That Xiao Yan Zi had been lost with her memories. With no memories of him, she could not possibly love him, she could not be his. She was a new person, and he must accept that. She was free to love anyone she chose, even if it was his brother.

Yong Qi was not surprised when Mei Ru unceremoniously burst into his room. She rarely came into his room, not at night, at least. For as long as their marriage was, they have kept to their own bedrooms all the time. Tonight, though, after the dinner announcement, Yong Qi had expected her. However, the uncharacteristic look of rage on her face astounded him.

"Why did you do that? How could you give your blessings to their engagement?" she demanded hotly, tears in her eyes. It touched Yong Qi that Mei Ru was so affected by his pain, but he would not let her tears sway his decision.

"It was not the easiest thing I've ever done, Mei Ru," Yong Qi said wearily, looking at her.

"Yong Qi, you can't do this. Please think about it, you can't throw your happiness away like this. You love her, and you know it, Yong Qi!"

"I do. That's why I'm doing this. For her," Yong Qi whispered, looking away from her.

"Can you really let her marry him? Could you just sit there and let them go through with this?"

"Mei Ru, please, I've thought about this. A lot. It's for the best."

"How is it for the best?" Mei Ru demanded. "Yong Qi, she loves you, I know she does. I don't think she loves Yong Zhang nearly as much as she ought to marry him. He is smitten with her, that much is obvious. It really is hard for a girl to not be flattered by that attention especially coming from someone like Yong Zhang! But Yong Qi, you must know she doesn't love him. Not like she loves you!"

"She doesn't even remember that she loves me, Mei Ru! And if she believes she loves Yong Zhang, why could not that be true? If she truly believes it, and I think she does, considering she accepted him, why could not she be happy? He will make her happy, Mei Ru, like I never could. I have hurt her enough. All I ever did was hurt her, for all the love I have for her. I can't hurt her by telling her about what went on between us now, not when she's happily engaged to my brother! My brother, Mei Ru! I love them both. I will not break my brother's heart like this. They both deserve the best, and for that, they are suited for each other."

"Yong Qi, you cannot truly believe this! You and Xiao Yan Zi are a match made in Heaven! You are meant to be together!"

"Really, Mei Ru? Everything always was against us, Mei Ru, everything stopped us. There is a difference between meaning to be together and being happy together. All the time I was with Xiao Yan Zi, all I ever did was hurt her, Mei Ru! And I can't stand it to see her unhappy anymore - "

"You made her happier than she had ever been, and you know it, Yong Qi! I saw the two of you together. The way she looked at you, the way she glowed around you, I recognised myself in her, Yong Qi. I remembered how Du An made me feel, and I could see that plainly in Xiao Yan Zi. She deserves a fair choice, Yong Qi. It's not up to you to decide what is best. It's for her to decide for herself!"

"Mei Ru! Yong Zhang loves her, that much is obvious. I would be hurting him if I told the truth now!"

"So to avoid hurting him, you're hurting yourself instead! Yong Qi, don't you think they will find out sooner or later? With the engagement being made public, don't you think people will talk? Everyone knows that you and Xiao Yan Zi were engaged. The gossip mill is a vicious thing, Yong Qi! It could exaggerate truths and hurt you, Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Zhang all in one. People might not know the whole story behind why you and Xiao Yan Zi suddenly broke up your engagement other than the fact that Lao Fo Ye didn't approve, but that will not stop them from coming to a story for themselves. Would you have them find out by some stray gossip? They need the truth taken to them or the truth will find them in the end. Then what? What if they are already married by then? How would that hurt them both, Yong Qi?'

"I will make sure neither of them learn anything! Do you not think I've thought about this, Mei Ru? I know very well what I am doing, and I will not go back on my actions. It is already too late, anyway."

"It is not too late. They are not married yet. Tell her how you feel about her, let her choose! Yong Qi, please!"

"No! You never stop, do you, Mei Ru? I told you, I will not hurt you, hurt her, or Yong Zhang by doing that! I will not!"

"Then maybe you should stop being so noble and think for your own happiness than our comfort! They deserve the best, but so do you, Yong Qi!"

"I made my decision, Mei Ru. I cannot go back now!"

"Ah!" Mei Ru let out a frustrated groan. "You are so stubborn!"

"Glad we agree on something," Yong Qi said sarcastically.

* * *

Yong Zhang knew it was not appropriate for him to be so totally alone with Xiao Yan Zi in Shu Fang Zhai without a chaperone, despite their being engaged. Especially when she lived alone. But he could not help it. After dismissing the servants, he swept Xiao Yan Zi up in his arms. Yong Zhang had never felt so happy in his life. Xiao Yan Zi was to be his wife, and his father had given his consent and blessing.

Of course, Yong Zhang was not aware of the battle Qian Long went through before giving his consent and blessing. He had argued hard and long with Yong Qi to try and change his stubborn younger son's mind over this stupid decision not to tell Xiao Yan Zi about her previous engagement to Yong Qi. But somehow, Qian Long was not quite sure how, Yong Qi managed to convince him to accept the fact that Xiao Yan Zi was not to know anything about the past. He had most reluctantly, not that Yong Zhang was clear minded enough to notice his reluctance, given his consent and blessings.

Xiao Yan Zi felt a strange feeling as Yong Zhang wrapped his arms around her. It was pleasure, but there was also a strangely disconcerting feeling that somehow this was a bit - too close. When he kissed her, however, Xiao Yan Zi felt the disconcerting feeling grow even stronger, something inside her telling her that somehow, this was not quite right.

Xiao Yan Zi mentally shook herself. She was just new to this, she told herself. She was just being stiff because she was not used to this kind of attention from a man. That's all. Right?

* * *

"Oh, my brother!" Zi Wei exclaimed frustratedly one day after spending a whole afternoon trying to convince Yong Qi to tell Xiao Yan Zi the truth, but with little result.

"I guess you didn't achieve much today?" Er Kang asked sympathetically.

"No! Honestly, at this rate, I would be tempted to - " she exclaimed, then trailed off.

"To what?"

"Lock them up in a room together until he tells her the truth or he gets so frustrated that he'd do something that would make him have to marry her!"

Er Kang chuckled at this suggestion, as well as the uncharacteristic rage from his wife.

"You know, right now, that doesn't sound like a half bad idea. But would it work?"

Zi Wei just took a sip of tea, shaking her head, trying to calm herself.

"We'd be underestimating Xiao Yan Zi if we think she'd let someone take advantage of her like that and not fight back. Considering she doesn't remember anything, she'd probably punch him before he gets a chance to do anything. Besides, with Yong Qi's honour, do you really think he would - ?"

Zi Wei shrugged. "The man's hopelessly in love with her, he hadn't seen her, hadn't any contact with her for three years, his marriage with Mei Ru could best be described as cool. I think he'd be tempted if we lock him up with her...appropriately attired."

Er Kang looked at Zi Wei in shock for a moment before letting out a loud guffaw. "Zi Wei! How scandalous!"

"Well, quite frankly, I'm feeling a bit desperate right now," Zi Wei grumbled.

Of course, Er Kang knew Zi Wei was just letting out her frustration with such a suggestion and wasn't ever serious about it. But as the days went on and they did not have more success with convincing Yong Qi to tell Xiao Yan Zi the truth, Er Kang found himself wondering if he should start to consider Zi Wei's suggestion seriously anyway.

* * *

"The wedding is in ten days, Yong Qi!" Mei Ru paced in the study, looking over her shoulder at her husband.

"And?" Yong Qi asked. He was bent over a book at his desk, but Mei Ru knew he was not reading. It was impossible for him to do anything at a time like this.

"Yong Qi! Can you seriously say you can watch them get married and not be hurt? Can you honestly say your heart is not breaking if you don't say anything?"

"No," Yong Qi said quietly, still bent stiffly so that she could not see his face. "But it's for everyone's own good."

Mei Ru bit back a frustrated exclamation, but stood in front of his desk, slammed his book close, thus forcing him to look at her.

"Yong Qi, she will not be happy with him. Whatever love she has for him, it's not enough. It's not what she needs in a marriage. You can't run away from reality forever, Yong Qi. One of these days, she will realise that she loves you. You can't hurt them and yourself like this!"

"Mei Ru, please, stop it! Even if she eventually realises what went on between us, she will know that I've never done anything for her except hurt her. She will be happy enough with Yong Zhang to not regret it," Yong Qi said with not much conviction.

"You do not seriously believe that, Yong Qi!" Mei Ru challenged.

Yong Qi looked away from her. "Can you tell me how I'm supposed to ruin their wedding when it's in ten days?"

"Can you tell me how you can ruin your life like this? Yong Qi, it's not a matter of ruining anything, it's about the truth! Xiao Yan Zi has gone through enough hardship in her life, she doesn't need this lie it in as well."

"Exactly! Xiao Yan Zi has suffered enough! Telling her the truth, especially now, will hurt all of us. I can't do that!"

"Do you realise that your arguments are getting a little repetitive? You are afraid to face the truth, Yong Qi, afraid to confront how much you are really hurt, how much you really do love her. You don't want to break you brother's heart but I also know he would not want to break yours."

"The decision is made, Mei Ru."

"It's not your decision to make! It should be a decision from all of you! If you don't tell her, I will, Yong Qi. Or Zi Wei, or any of the others. We really can't stand you dancing around this situation like this."

"Mei Ru, can't you just respect my wishes and let this go?"

"Respect you wishes? Yong Qi, this is a ridiculous scheme, How could I accept it?"

"By trusting my judgement," Yong Qi said irritably. He was no longer in the mood to face Mei Ru. Not when he knew she could be very persistent and could be quite capable of talking him out of not telling Xiao Yan Zi. Not that Yong Qi would ever admit this to Mei Ru, or anyone else for that matter, there were many times when Yong Qi wondered if his decision really was for the best. He could not disregard Mei Ru and everyone's arguments why he should tell Xiao Yan Zi. But he knew, that he had gone this far, he could not go back. So long as he could persuade himself this, he would be safe.

Safe from what, exactly? he wondered. In all reality, Yong Qi didn't know. All he knew that his life has spun out his control so fast that Yong Qi wondered how it happened.

Yong Qi tried to tune out Mei Ru's voice but couldn't stop each and every word she said pressing into his ears and into his heart. Finally, when he could not take it anymore, Yong Qi did something that he knew would make Mei Ru very angry with him. He walked out on her, and into his own room, bolting the door behind him. When Mei Ru had gotten over the shock of this uncharacteristic move from him, she went into her room and banged on the door connecting it to his. After a long while demanding that he talked to her, and with no result, Mei Ru gave up for the night, but also knowing that Yong Qi only reacted that way because her words had hit sore spots, and that it was very likely that he would crush before it was too late.


	3. Confronting the Past

**Chapter 3: Confronting the Past**

* * *

The next day, Xiao Yan Zi woke up feeling rather strange. Her head felt strangely full, as if she had just been fed an unusually large amount of information without being given time to digest them. As Xiao Yan Zi sat up, she found she was nursing a blinding headache and held her head in her hands for a moment.

For a moment, Xiao Yan Zi could not seem to remember where she was, or what day it was or what she did the day before. But as she sat for a moment longer, overwhelming memories began to flood back to her, and Xiao Yan Zi shook in her bed. No, he couldn't have!

But he has!

Just then there were sounds of movements outside her bed as Xiao Yan Zi pulled back the curtains and saw Ming Yue and Cai Xia bustling around, tidying up the rooms. Seeing Xiao Yan Zi's pale face, both the younger women were worried.

"Ge Ge? Are you feeling well? Should we call for a physician?" Ming Yue asked

"No, I'm fine," Xiao Yan Zi said hesitantly. "Just a bit dizzy."

"Are you sure Ge Ge?" Cai Xia asked. "You wouldn't want to be unwell for your wedding."

After reassuring Xiao Yan Zi had assured Ming Yue and Cai Xia that she really was fine, she rushed through her morning routines and dressed. The fact that Zi Wei was no where to be found in the house only convinced her that everything she had just thought went on that morning was not a dream.

* * *

A couple of agitated hours later, Xiao Yan Zi burst, unannounced, into the study at Jing Yang Gong and found Yong Qi, Zi Wei, Qing Er and Mei Ru there, who all seemed to be in an intense argument. They immediately stopped as they saw her but Xiao Yan Zi could guess what they were arguing about. Totally ignoring the girls, Xiao Yan Zi grabbed Yong Qi's shirt front and shouted, "How could you?"

Yong Qi had never seen Xiao Yan Zi so angry. She stormed into the room, her eyes blazing in intense anger. Before any of them had realised or understood what was going on, Xiao Yan Zi went on.

"How could you do it? If I hadn't woken up this morning and remembered everything about my life, would you have done it? Would you have just kept me totally in the dark and let me marry your brother? How could you do that? What if ten years down the road, married to Yong Zhang, I remember anyway? Then what? How is that fair, Yong Qi? How could you do this to me, to Yong Zhang, to yourself?" Xiao Yan Zi was shouting all this in Yong Qi's face, her eyes welling up with tears all the time. Then, suddenly, her tone quietened and she whispered with great distress in her voice, "To us?"

It took Yong Qi several moments to realise what Xiao Yan Zi was talking about. He closed his eyes, and for a moment, could not look at her.

"You remember," he whispered. It was a statement, not a question.

Xiao Yan Zi let go of him and swallowed with great difficulty, not bothering to brush away the tears running down her face.

Yong Qi glanced at the shocked faces of Zi Wei, Qing Er and Mei Ru all staring at Xiao Yan Zi, and said quietly, not looking at any of them, "Ladies, could you excuse us?"

Still in a daze, the girls exited the room and closed the doors behind them. After some astonished looks at each other, they made their way to Qian Qing Gong to tell Qian Long about this recent development that would surely have an effect on the wedding being carried out, and how they might tell Yong Zhang this.

Back in the study, Yong Qi took at a deep breath and looked at Xiao Yan Zi. She was leaning against his desk now, her hands gripping the side of the desk so hard that her knuckles were white. Her head was bowed but Yong Qi could tell by the shaking of her shoulders that she was crying. Seeing Xiao Yan Zi in pain like this tore at Yong Qi's heart but he knew he was entirely to blame for this. He was an absolute fool. There was a part of him that did realise he really would never be able to just sit back and let her become his sister-in-law. But there was still another part of him that wished she had not remembered, that she could have found happiness with his brother. Yong Qi didn't even know why he still held on to that notion, but seeing her heartbroken like this, it reminded him exactly why he never told her in the first place.

"How could you have not told me?" Xiao Yan Zi whispered again, lifting her face to meet his eyes. "How could you have let me go like that? How could you have given us your blessings?"

"I - " There was a painful lump in his throat that Yong Qi felt he could not swallow. "I did what I thought was the best."

"The best?" Xiao Yan Zi demanded, straightening up, looking at him fiercely. "The best? How could hurting me like this be the best? Did you not think that I would one day find out, even if I didn't remember? How could possibly think that you would be able to keep this away from me forever? And the rest of them! They agreed with you on this! I cannot believe you all. You lied to me! All of you!"

"It was not their fault, Xiao Yan Zi, except they were bound by honour to leave me to the decision. Not that they didn't try to persuade me from it...but we didn't lie to you, Xiao Yan Zi..."

"You just didn't tell me the truth," Xiao Yan Zi laughed derisively, mirthlessly.

"Xiao Yan Zi...all I ever did to you was hurt you. Yong Zhang loves you, I can see that. I would never have given my blessings if I didn't know he would make you a good husband, that he'd make you happy, he'd protect you, like I never could. All the time you had with me, al I did was hurt you, I couldn't protect you from all the hurt and pain both Lao Fo Ye and this whole court imposed on you. You deserve so much better than me!" Yong Qi felt his voice crack but he looked steadily at Xiao Yan Zi's hurt and tearful eyes.

"Why did you not tell me the truth? Has it ever occurred to you that perhaps I deserve a chance to choose? That I deserve to know what goes on in my life?"

"Yes, but Xiao Yan Zi, there was a reason that you didn't remember. You were better off without remembering me and...painful memories..."

"Those years were painful, yes, but I wouldn't have thought you could ignore the fact that also I was happier with you than I've ever been in my life! Why could I not find those days again? Lao Fo Ye can't stop us anymore, why didn't you tell me before Yong Zhang got his hopes up? You could have told me from the beginning!" Xiao Yan Zi asked desperately, trying to comprehend why he ever did what he did.

"I could tell there was more than normal concern from Yong Zhang to you than just friendship, Xiao Yan Zi, from very early on," Yong Qi whispered.

Xiao Yan Zi turned away from him and paced the room, banging the door with her fist as she passed it. Neither of them noticed the door springing ajar or a person standing just outside, hearing every word of their conversation.

Yong Zhang would not have eavesdropped. He had heard from the servants that Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi were talking in the study, and had gone there to greet them both. But there was tension pulsing in the room that Yong Zhang could feel by instinct even outside the door. Something told him to not go in but listen.

Finally, Xiao Yan Zi turned back to Yong Qi, her eyes pained. "So in an attempt to not break your brother's heart, you broke your own!" Xiao Yan Zi said, choking. "You know, Yong Qi, for someone so intelligent, how could you have made such a stupid decision?"

"It was not a stupid decision. I did what was best for all of us. Yong Zhang could make you happy, truly happy, without the troubles you faced with me," Yong Qi said, looking at her passionately.

Xiao Yan Zi bit back a sob. "And why were you the one to decide what was best?" Xiao Yan Zi demanded. "This was my life, Yong Qi! Why couldn't you have let me choose? Why shouldn't I know the truth? Why should what you think decide my future? The world does not revolve around you, you know!"

"I know it doesn't," Yong Qi cried with some frustration. "But the difficulties we faced did! It was not so much as Lao Fo Ye's disapproval of you but who I am, Xiao Yan Zi! You know that! It's Huang Ah Ma's decisions for my future that we couldn't be together, that we were forced into this!"

"Oh so you decided to take charge of my future just because you were forced out of yours! Yong Qi, that does not explain why you didn't tell me from the beginning! Huang Ah Ma was never against us! Lao Fo Ye was. She is not here anymore. Why should you have not told me?"

"Because," Yong Qi breathed out harshly, "I couldn't hurt you, hurt Yong Zhang, Mei Ru and myself like that. I've hurt you enough! I know that I might never feel free enough, even now, when we probably have nothing against us anymore, to marry you. I will not parade my happiness to Mei Ru, not when she could never have a chance at her own happiness. I could not hurt Yong Zhang."

"It's all you, isn't it, Yong Qi? This is all about what you could or could not do, what you want!"

"No, Xiao Yan Zi! This is about how I love you!" Yong Qi cried passionately, turning around abruptly, facing the wall away from her. "I've realised that loving you is not about what I want, what we want, but getting what's best for you...no matter how it hurts me in the process..."

"Why should you be the one to decide what's best for me, Yong Qi? Why? Could I have not done it?"

"Xiao Yan Zi," Yong Qi said in frustration, "have you not been listening to a word I said? You deserve so much better than what I could give you. I could never be completely free to marry you. Yong Zhang is. He loves you. And I love him too much to deprive him of the best woman I know - " Yong Qi paused, nearly choking on the emotions building up inside him, threatening to spill over.

" - even if it means hurting yourself like this," Xiao Yan Zi finished in a whisper. "Could you have done it, Yong Qi? Could you have let me marry him? Could you have controlled your emotions enough to not let us suspect anything?"

She looked at him forlornly, but in trepidation, as if fearing he would say yes. She wanted him to say no, because if he said yes, it would mean she meant that much less to him, and she could not cope with that.

"Probably not...I don't know if I could have let the ceremony go through...Or any of the others, for that matter. Huang Ah Ma - Huang Ah Ma was dangerously close to refusing his consent, and telling Yong Zhang the truth. Mei Ru has never been more angry with me than these last few months. Zi Wei was just telling me that she would tell you the truth if I didn't. But I wonder...if I really could have gone through it..."

"Why did they stay silent? Even my brother! Xiao Jian, who forgot what happened between Huang Ah Ma and my family, for us, so that we could have a chance to be together. How could he not say anything?" Xiao Yan Zi shook her head in confusion. Yong Qi doing this, she could believe. He had too much of a ridiculous sense of honour and nobility. But for the others to never tell her...

"They were trying to get me to do it. They knew it was not their place to tell. But I think one of them would have told you before..."

Yong Qi was still facing away from her as this conversation went on. Xiao Yan Zi looked at the stiffness of his posture and knew it was only the tension between them that created this. "Yong Qi," she said. Her voice was gentle and loving. Xiao Yan Zi couldn't help it. She wasn't sure if he had done all this because he loved her or because he was trying to run away from her, trying, himself, to forget her, but which ever it was, Xiao Yan Zi knew, no matter what he felt, no matter what he did, she was lost. She loved him, and nothing he did, not even hurting her, hurting them both, like this, could ever quench that love.

Yong Qi didn't turn around but stared unblinkingly at the wall, trying not to lose all control on his emotions. It had been a long time since he heard this tone from her and it was breaking his every defence he had put up to stop himself being hurt by the loss of her, all these years.

Outside, Yong Zhang's heart lurched. Xiao Yan Zi had never used that tone with him, and it only made him more confused, angry, heartbroken and jealous with the information he had just pieced together, that Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi may have feelings for each other. If that was indeed the truth, it would explain all the angst that Yong Qi was feeling, the barrier he put up between them, the obvious attentions he paid Xiao Yan Zi but at the same time remained so distant from her. The story was till hazy, but what he was already hearing was enough to make Yong Zhang's heart burn with jealousy and make his head hurt.

"Yong Qi, please look at me," Xiao Yan Zi whispered in the same tone. Finally, Yong Qi turned around and his eyes bore right into Xiao Yan Zi's with so much raw emotions in his eyes that Xiao Yan Zi felt she would burn under his gaze. For a moment, they stared into each other's eyes, each willing to let the other see all the emotions they were feeling. For a moment, they bared their souls to each other.

Then, Xiao Yan Zi stepped closer and took his hand and placed a kiss on the back of it. Yong Qi shivered at the touch of her lips on his skin, but he didn't move away. She lifted her face and met his eyes, and said, "I am wondering now how I really feel about Yong Zhang. He doesn't make me feel so much like you do...I know I do love him, but what kind of love it is, I do not really know. Is it just a love like what I have for Er Kang, for Xiao Jian? I wonder if I was more flattered at his attention and accepted him because I convinced myself that I could love him. But...I've been realising slowly throughout our engagement, that it was not the love I need to marry him...Now that I know...I understand why I didn't feel free in his embrace. There were times when I did believe that I loved him with a passion, but ... he and you are so alike. I wonder if I could have convinced myself I had that kind of love for him if I didn't love you first. If I really loved him or was loving the shadows of you I find in him."

"I would not grudge you if you truly loved him...even if it meant you let go of me from your heart."

"How could you not grudge me for it? What man could not grudge the woman he thinks he loves for loving his own brother?"

"Thinks he loves? How could you doubt it?" Yong Qi choked. He reached towards her to brush away the tears still lingering on her cheeks with his thumbs, his own tears falling.

"I could doubt it," Xiao Yan Zi whispered, yet looking right at him. Yong Qi could feel she was struggling madly with her emotions, yet he could also see there were certain truths in what she just said. She could doubt that he loved her. After everything he'd done for her. Yet he could not doubt her love for him. He never had. Not even when she didn't remember him. He knew, like Mei Ru told him, that deep down in her heart, there was still a place for him.

"You hurt me! You only have that ability to hurt me because I love you, and you know it! How could you have not realised I would sooner or later find out? How could you still take the risk?" Xiao Yan Zi's voice was barely more than a whisper, but each word was like a stab of pain to both men, the one inside the room and the one outside, both for different reasons.

"Do you think it really was easy for me to keep the truth from you? The moment I found out you didn't remember any of our past, I knew I would do everything to not let you remember. But do you think that was easy for me? To go through all this time knowing that I was being grossly unfair to you? Do you think it was easy telling Yong Zhang that I did love someone but never telling him who she was? It was agony, deceiving you and Yong Zhang like that. But I would hurt even Yong Zhang if I knew I could be free to bring you happiness, I was sure that you could be happy with me. But I am not free, Xiao Yan Zi, not when I am still married to Mei Ru! No matter how much I love you, and how much I knew that somewhere, under the forgotten memories, there is a part of you that love me, I could not tell you the truth! How could I, when I knew I would be hurting all of us, you, me, Yong Zhang and Mei Ru? I could not selfishly consider just only us in that situation. I was caught in a position without a way out, Xiao Yan Zi. I did it so you could be happy, so you could have a chance at happiness... You don't deserve to be trapped in a marriage where you will have to share your husband with someone else, no matter how platonic my relationship with Mei Ru might be! I had wondered if one day you would remember or find out, but I had hoped that by then, you would have been happy enough with Yong Zhang to realise that you are happier and better off with as his wife than mine. The irony, of course, is that Lao Fo Ye forced us not to marry so that I could marry Mei Ru to be made Crown Prince. But now that is totally out of question if I do not have heirs and Huang Ah Ma had called Yong Zhang back to court partly to get him ready to take the very position. And you are engaged to him. But, Xiao Yan Zi, that's not the point. Everything I do, I do for you. Everything! How could you not see how much I love you? How much I've always loved you!"

"Maybe it's because you have a rather funny way of showing it!" Xiao Yan Zi snapped. It marvelled her how she was switching between raging at him and loving him beyond reason. How much she wanted to throw herself into his arms and how much she wanted to slap him at the same time. Yet the turmoil her mind and heart was going through left her feeling drained and she could not do anything but let her feelings pour out as they will. Even then, as his words slowly sank into her, she began to understand what struggle Yong Qi must have gone through when she returned, not remembering anything about him, anything about them.

"You have every right to hate me after all this, Xiao Yan Zi. I meant to secure your happiness but rather my plan backfired on me, on us. Quite spectacularly, I might add."

"I do hate you!" Xiao Yan Zi said, emotions thick in her voice, yet she rested her head against Yong Qi's shoulder. "I hate you for affecting me like this, for making me love you so much. I hate you because I love so very much." She took a deep breath and paused for a moment, then sighed, slipping her arms around his waist, burying her face in the curve of his neck. Yong Qi's arms slowly wrapped around her shoulders. She let herself sink into the familiar warmth of his arms and felt the pleasure of being held by him coming back to her. "You are right, Yong Qi. Ignorance is bliss more than anything, I was more carefree not knowing that I loved you than I am now or ever was before. But I would not go back to that ignorance for anything, Yong Qi. We both did the forbidden when we fell in love. You know we did. But how could I have not loved you? Even after what Lao Fo Ye made us do...I do not regret the decision we made, we did the right thing then, we did what we had to do. But I just hate it that it should hurt us now like this...and Yong Zhang."

Xiao Yan Zi dropped her head against Yong Qi's shoulder and groaned. "Oh no! How am I supposed to tell Yong Zhang? No matter what happens between us, I can't marry him. Not now. It really isn't fair though I don't think he'll ever be able to remotely tolerate the sight of me after I tell him all this."

Yong Qi sighed. "If it makes you feel any better, the number of people he won't be able to tolerate will probably be the two of us. That is, if he could forgive Huang Ah Ma and everyone else with going through with my plan." Yong Qi took Xiao Yan Zi's hand and looked at her tenderly. "I'm sorry, Xiao Yan Zi."

"I guess I got a bit more than I bargained for when I hoped to have an exciting life. I think people will be wild after this with gossip. I'm surprised no gossip reached me about us when Yong Zhang and my engagement was first announced. Though I don't think anyone will stay quiet after this...My engagement to Yong Zhang must have seemed so - unconventional and improper after what happened between us."

Despite everything, the situation they were in, Yong Qi laughed. "Xiao Yan Zi, somehow I think _we_ were anything but conventional or proper."

"No...Propriety would not have you declaring your undying love to your 'sister', propriety would not have you kissing me in the middle of nowhere where the nearest soul is miles away." Xiao Yan Zi said wryly, smiling.

"What are we going to do now?" Yong Qi asked, feeling completely stupid, since he was the one who got them into this situation in the first place.

"Find a way to tell Yong Zhang," Xiao Yan Zi sighed.

"We don't - have to..."

"You have better be joking. How could I marry him when I remember this?" Xiao Yan Zi placed a palm to Yong Qi's cheek and looked at him devotedly. "He's not you..."

"Xiao Yan Zi," Yong Qi breathed as she lifted her face close to him. They both knew they could never resist this. Not when they have been away from each other for so long. Not when their whole relationship had consisted of the forbidden. Xiao Yan Zi supported herself by wrapping her arms around his neck and brushed her lips against his, lightly. Yong Qi felt intoxicated by the sensation of her lips on his and pulled her into his arms, his lips meeting hers in a passionate and demanding kiss.

Yong Zhang felt the room had gone unusually quiet and before he could stop himself, he looked in through the gap in the door. The sight that met his eyes filled him with pain, jealousy, such strong emotions that he never knew he was capable of before. He couldn't hold back a strangled noise in his throat.

At the noise, both Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi sprang apart and both went white as they met Yong Zhang's eyes through the gap in the door. Their eyes met in worry as Yong Zhang entered the room, his face equally white and stricken.

Xiao Yan Zi slowly let out a breath and looked at Yong Qi significantly. He sighed but understood and walked towards the door. He stopped at the door and faced his brother. Never had Yong Qi had his brother look at him quite like this. Yong Qi felt, despite the cliché, that if looks could kill, he'd probably be dead by then.

Then he exited the room and closed the door behind him, leaving Yong Zhang and Xiao Yan Zi together.

* * *

Xiao Yan Zi took a deep breath and looked at Yong Zhang standing on the other side of the room, and asked, "How long have you standing there?"

"Long enough." Yong Zhang said. His tone was sullen but Xiao Yan Zi could hear the anger in it.

"Right, before I say anything, sit down," Xiao Yan Zi said wearily.

Yong Zhang gave her a blazing look before sitting down on a chair, but sprang back up immediately and paced the room.

Xiao Yan Zi took another deep breath before starting her story. "When I woke up this morning, I don't know how, but I suddenly remembered all the details of my life before I left the palace and ended up on that ship. All the details that everyone neglected to tell us. In all the time that Huang Ah Ma mistook me for Zi Wei and as his daughter, a lot more happened between me and Yong Qi than anyone told us. There's no way to say this that will make it less painful for you, Yong Zhang." Xiao Yan Zi paused and looked at Yong Zhang with a regretful and pained look in her eyes. He just silently looked back at her, his eyes blazing with hurt, making her want to burn in shame under his gaze. She looked away for a moment to compose herself. Then, taking a deep breath, she continued.

"We fell in love. After the whole mix up was cleared up, we were engaged, though at the time Huang Ah Ma wanted us to wait a while before getting married, till both of us were a little older. In that time, though, Lao Fo Ye came back from a pilgrimage trip she made to the mountains. When she found out about our engagement, she wasn't too pleased. Lao Fo Ye...well, I wouldn't say she hated me but she definitely didn't approve of me, not for Yong Qi. When Yong Qi and Er Kang left with us after we helped Han Xiang elope, it was not because Huang Ah Ma wanted to execute any of them. Lao Fo Ye would never let Huang Ah Ma touch Yong Qi. He didn't have to leave. But he left for me. We knew it was the only chance we could have to be together...And then Huang Ah Ma persuaded us to go back. We went back, knowing that we would still have to fight if we wanted to be together. Both Huang Ah Ma and Lao Fo Ye wanted Yong Qi to be made Crown Prince, and Lao Fo Ye could not let him marry me if that was the case. I don't think Lao Fo Ye would have had a case against us, though, if it wasn't for my family history."

"My father was an official in court. When I was just one year old, my whole family was executed on grounds of literary treason. Only Xiao Jian and I survived but we were divided until when we met. At first, Xiao Jian who found out my relationship with your family, didn't want to tell me the fact he was my brother, or our family history. He knew he couldn't destroy my happiness with Yong Qi by telling me. I would never know he was my brother if it wasn't for a fight he and Yong Qi had. I guess Yong Qi saw how much attention Xiao Jian was paying me...well, looking back, I can't blame him for being jealous. Anyway, under the circumstances, Xiao Jian had no choice but to tell us that he was my brother. He didn't tell me who killed our family at first, not until we got back to court again. But he couldn't let go of the idea of avenging my family that easily. There were times when he came dangerously close to really killing Huang Ah Ma, but he only never did because of me, of Yong Qi, of all his friends, and later, of Qing Er. He did, however, at one time, definitely had the intention of killing Huang Ah Ma."

"Then he met Qing Er and they fell in love. It was then that he really gave up the idea of killing Huang Ah Ma. It wasn't easy but we all knew if he didn't give it up, he wouldn't be able to live in such close proximity with us without going mad. I overheard a conversation between Xiao Jian and Er Kang, the only person other than Zi Wei who knew Xiao Jian's secret, about this and I couldn't stop asking them until they told me everything. Do you know how painful it is to realise that the only father I've ever known was responsible for making it so? But I realised that, despite this news, I could never stop loving Huang Ah Ma, or not think of him as a father. Most of all, I couldn't possibly ever stop loving Yong Qi and I didn't even want to try. I eventually accepted it and I knew, like Xiao Jian, I had to forgive Huang Ah Ma if I wanted to be with Yong Qi. And I did. We told Huang Ah Ma about this, because we knew that it was better for him to know who I was, who he was taking in as a daughter-in-law. We eventually found out that the orders for my family's death was given on false information and misled counsel. We were all willing to let the past be gone. It would have been fine if Lao Fo Ye didn't hear about it. We knew we could not tell Lao Fo Ye about this. She would know how to use it against us.

"But Lao Fo Ye found out anyway. And...I've never imagined that she would use Qing Er as blackmail material. Lao Fo Ye had never resigned herself to accept my engagement to Yong Qi and would do anything to stop it if she could. And she did. She told us that we could get married, but she would then charge a case against Xiao Jian for treason and intention to assassinate the emperor. Our family history was against us enough to ensure that Xiao Jian would be executed if such a case was ever put up and even Huang Ah Ma would not be able to stop it. Or we could break our engagement and let Yong Qi marry Mei Ru. If we did, Lao Fo Ye would not let our family history go and let Xiao Jian marry Qing Er. We had a choice between our happiness and my brother's life! We had planned to run away before we realised the price that it would place on any we cared about that was still left back. We could not trade our happiness for Ling Fei's life, or the Fu family's life, or anyone's."

Xiao Yan Zi's voice, which had been even throughout, cracked. She held a hand to her mouth, stopping the sobs trying to break through her, tears rolling down her cheeks. As she said all this, Yong Qi's study seemed to melt away and the events she talked about materialised before her.

Xiao Yan Zi turned around and saw that Yong Zhang was sitting down on a chair, still looking at her with that raw hurt shining in his eyes.

"Obviously...when I came back to court not remembering all this happened...Yong Qi got it into his head that I'd be better off forgetting and not knowing . Yong Zhang, I am sorry for hurting you like this...If under other circumstances, I really do think we cold have had every happiness together...but now...but it's better that both of us find this out now rather than later, Yong Zhang. If I had to hurt you like this, I'd rather have it now, when we can still fix the situation rather than later when we cannot. Right now, I feel like Heaven is just toying with my life and feelings by making a cruel joke of out them..."

Yong Zhang looked at Xiao Yan Zi. "Did you ever love me?" he asked bitterly.

Xiao Yan Zi hesitated. Did she ever love him? She knew what kind of love he was talking about. Had she ever felt a fraction of what she always felt for Yong Qi for him? Or was she, like she wondered to Yong Qi, loving the parts of him that were similar to Yong Qi? "I'm actually - not sure...I just...I've never been caught up in anything so totally out of my control like this...and that's saying something… I - "

Xiao Yan Zi looked helplessly and apologetically at Yong Zhang.

Yong Zhang sprang up from his seat again and paced around the room like a caged animal. Then, he turned roughly and looked at Xiao Yan Zi with an expression that startled her. It was pure anger, jealousy and agony. The agony and jealousy, Xiao Yan Zi could have guessed, but the anger in his eyes was more than she expected.

"What's he got that I don't, Xiao Yan Zi? Good Heaven, Xiao Yan Zi, I've never hated my brother this much before, any of them, and now, for me to feel this - this - feeling towards Yong Qi - What's he got that make you love him, Xiao Yan Zi? Why him, and not me?"

Xiao Yan Zi closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Oh, Yong Zhang - I ... It's not what he's got that you don't, Yong Zhang. I've loved Yong Qi before I met you, before I lost my memory or regained it ... It's all a matter of us being caught in the situation we were in, Yong Zhang. I didn't plan to fall in love with Yong Qi. Goodness, no, I would never have dreamt...have dared to think...It just happened, Yong Zhang. I came in the palace under a false identity, Huang Ah Ma thought I was his daughter, I was scared to death that one day my secret will be discovered, then I'd be dead...And Yong Qi...I wasn't even his sister and he cared about me...he protected me, he risked his life for me...He was so different from what I expected from a prince...I didn't - I was caught off guard...I didn't know how I began but I was in the middle of loving him before I realised... I think it begun even before he told me of his feelings for me. It wasn't anything I could control or was conscious of before it was too much to ignore..."

"You were trying to ignore it?" Yong Zhang asked roughly, desperately grasping at straws.

"Not because I didn't want the feeling, only because I knew nothing could come out of it...and obviously nothing _had_," she added bitterly. "But I couldn't...how could I have resisted it? I could never - "

Xiao Yan Zi looked at Yong Zhang. She wondered how he was really feeling. No, she could not even begin to understand how he felt. She had never been in his position...yet she knew that he did love her, as awkward as that was to admit. Xiao Yan Zi hated herself for putting him through this pain. How could she had made such a mistake? Deep down, Xiao Yan Zi knew it wasn't a matter of fault, really. All of them, Yong Qi, Yong Zhang, and her, they were all trying to understand what they were feeling for each other. Things all happened too fast for any of them to react properly. She couldn't blame Yong Qi's stupid decision, he was only trying to protect her from hurt. Chances were he probably didn't let himself think much about the real consequences of what was going on. And she, she knew there were many times in her engagement when it had not felt so comfortable. She had known this wasn't really right. She didn't even know why she never said anything. It couldn't have been that she just didn't want to hurt Yong Zhang. No, Xiao Yan Zi knew, there was an insecurity in her that wondered if the discomfort was just her, not Yong Zhang not being the right one. But she knew now, it was never about Yong Zhang, or Yong Qi's decision. If she had sat down and looked at her feelings properly, she would have realised she was never in love with Yong Zhang. She loved him, but it was not romantic love. She was in love, yes, those overwhelming feelings of love she felt alone were very real. But they were not directed at Yong Zhang. They were for Yong Qi. And she never realised or never had the courage to really think and find out.

And this is the mess they end up with. Xiao Yan Zi sighed.

"You don't hate him, Yong Zhang," Xiao Yan Zi whispered slowly.

Yong Zhang didn't say anything but just looked at her.

"You're hurt. I know. And I know nothing I say can ever make you forgive me...but he'll always be your brother. The enmity between your brothers only make the bond you and Yong Qi that much stronger. You'll always love him, and you can't stop it, just because of me, because you were hurt, Yong Zhang. You might resent loving him now, but you can never not love him, Yong Zhang. I know. Goodness know I wanted to hate him myself once, when loving him hurt me more than I ever imagined. But...there is such a thin line between love and hate that even now, I wonder if I still feel both."

Xiao Yan Zi looked at Yong Zhang earnestly; her voice was thick with emotions. "This whole fiasco is as much my fault as it is Yong Qi's, Yong Zhang. If I was not afraid to face the memories my heart was feeding me through this whole time, I might have realised that all that I was feeling was not as much directed at you as they were at Yong Qi. You can hate me for hurting you, for letting you hope, for accepting you then breaking your heart, but you will never be able to stop being Yong Qi's brother. You know, Yong Qi told me once, before this whole mess started, before he married Mei Ru, that your father might have many sons, but you are the only prince that he will ever be able to call a brother. That cannot ever change between you, Yong Zhang. You know it can't."

Not being able to stay in the room and still control his feelings anymore, Yong Zhang stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him and escaped out of Jing Yang Gong. Once alone in the room, Xiao Yan Zi sank into a chair and buried her face in her hands, groaning.


	4. Brothers, Past, Present and Forever

**Chapter 4: Brothers, Past, Present and Forever**

* * *

The days that followed that day when the truth came out between them was a total blur to Xiao Yan Zi. She knew Qian Long was too relieved that he no longer had to keep the truth from Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Zhang to mind about the expenses of the aborted wedding. When she didn't have her memory, she had no idea that gossip was such a big thing in the palace and was not listening for it. But now, Xiao Yan Zi wondered how she had not noticed the gossip that surrounded court before. She gritted her teeth as rumours and speculations as to her relationships with both Yong Zhang and Yong Qi drifted throughout court. She knew she should not care what people said about her, but it angered her to think that people thought they had the right to sit around and discuss things that they had no idea about.

The days after that day were uncomfortable for everyone, not just Yong Zhang, Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi. They all wondered how they could all face each other again. Yong Zhang, most definitely, went out of his way to avoid all of them, especially Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi. Xiao Yan Zi couldn't blame him for being angry with all of them, just as she couldn't blame the rest of them for keeping this secret from her. She knew the others had wanted to tell her. Yet she also understood, to a certain extent, why Yong Qi didn't want to tell her.

Finally, after nearly half a month of Yong Zhang not speaking more than ten words to him, Yong Qi couldn't hold his frustration back any longer. He and Xiao Yan Zi could not feel comfortable around each other with Yong Zhang's anger and sullenness still hanging over them. Yong Qi knew his brother was avoiding him, so he purposefully chose a moment when Qian Long had summoned Yong Zhang to Qian Qing Gong on state business, and went to Ren He Gong to wait for his brother. He knew Qian Long would not say anything Yong Zhang about Xiao Yan Zi, because he made it clear to them that this was their problem to sort out between themselves.

Yong Zhang returned to Ren He Gong to find Yong Qi waiting for him in the study. Yong Zhang stiffened as he caught sight of his brother and didn't say anything to greet him, but just stood on the opposite side of the room to Yong Qi, glaring at him.

Yong Qi knew it would take a lot for his brother to stop being angry at him. Never before had he been in this situation with Yong Zhang. The obvious anger, resentment, and hatred (Yong Qi winced at the thought) that showed on Yong Zhang's face directed towards him, Yong Qi had a better time imagine all this coming from some one like Da Ah Ge, but not Yong Zhang. No, Yong Qi couldn't begin to hope to have Yong Zhang stop being angry at him. He knew Yong Zhang had every right to those emotions. He just could not stand having Yong Zhang being so silent and keeping everything he was feeling to himself.

The two brothers directed direct, emotion-laden looks at each other from across the room. The silence was thick and deathly. Then, finally, Yong Qi broke it, saying evenly, "We really need to talk, Yong Zhang."

Yong Zhang glared further at Yong Qi and asked with great resentment, "What if I don't want to talk about it?"

Yong Qi sighed resolutely. "You told me once if I ever wanted to talk, you'd be there to listen. I want to talk now. We need to talk now. I am not going to hope that you will lose your anger against me. I know you have every right to your anger. But you can't go on avoiding me forever, Yong Zhang."

Yong Zhang didn't say anything but just glared at Yong Qi. Then, he turned abruptly away from Yong Qi, and stared at the wall opposite him. He asked through gritted teeth, "Do you love her?"

The fact that Yong Zhang just asked him the exact question he himself asked Yong Zhang when Yong Zhang was about to propose to Xiao Yan Zi was not lost on Yong Qi. He took a deep breath. "Yes. I know it must be hard for you to imagine but I do. I love Xiao Yan Zi with all my heart, with everything that I am, Yong Zhang." He waited to see if Yong Zhang would comment.

Yong Zhang wheeled around to face Yong Qi. "She loves you! I still don't understand why the one thing I lose to you had to be her love! I would never have grudged you against beating me in anything! But this...this...Do you know how painful it is to think she loved you only to realise that she was, all this time, loving your brother? And you don't deserve it, Yong Qi! You don't! You hurt her! You knew what you did would hurt her if she ever found out yet you did it anyway! Yet she still loves you!"

Yong Qi looked at the hurt and anger raw in Yong Zhang's eyes. He looked steadily at his brother and whispered, "I know I don't deserve her, Yong Zhang. My only defence for what I did was that then, when she didn't remember anything about her life, she wasn't the Xiao Yan Zi I knew, the Xiao Yan Zi who was mine. She was still the woman I love, but she didn't have any memory of me. I really did think if I told her, I would be forcing her into an emotion that she should find for herself. In a way, Mei Ru was right. I spent the last three years in pain over losing Xiao Yan Zi, and then she suddenly returned into my life. I wasn't ready to face her, to face all the feelings I've been trying to push out of my mind rushing back again. I did what I thought would protect her...protect us both...and bring you happiness."

"I don't - I don't know what hurts more right now! That you knew all this time that she didn't love me and you didn't tell me, or that you knew she loved you all this time and you didn't tell me!" Yong Zhang exclaimed vehemently.

Yong Qi shook his head. "I really did think that there was a part of her that loved you, Yong Zhang. Before she got her memory back...she wasn't my Xiao Yan Zi. I would never have wished a loveless marriage on you. I really do think if she never got her memory back, she could love you..."

"Love me or love the shadows of you she finds in me?" Yong Zhang snapped. Yong Qi winced at his quoting Xiao Yan Zi's words. "She never loved me, and you know it, Yong Qi! She loved a shadow in her memory that she thought was me!"

There was a deafening silence in the room as the two brothers looked at each other. Yong Zhang truly didn't know what he felt for Yong Qi at that moment. He knew Xiao Yan Zi was right. One of the reasons that made this situation hurt so much is because he loved Yong Qi, because of the bond between him and Yong Qi. To think, the one time he was so seriously hurt by any of his brother, it had to be because of something Yong Qi did. The mockery of it hit Yong Zhang hard and the shock it of took over his judgement totally. In a very odd way, Yong Zhang could begin to see Yong Qi's line of judgement when he made this decision. Yong Zhang wondered what he would have done if he were in Yong Qi's position. What if he were Yong Qi then? What if he had a chance to give his brother happiness, at the expense of suffering his own heartbreak? No, he could not even begin to imagine being in Yong Qi's shoes.

But wasn't he already in Yong Qi's position? That was happening now, between him and Xiao Yan Zi, between Yong Qi and him? He had realised, in these past days, that Xiao Yan Zi truly did love Yong Qi. It pained him, the pain and jealousy engulfed him so that there were times when Yong Zhang felt suffocated, but that didn't change the truth in itself. The truth was there, in front of him. Xiao Yan Zi loved Yong Qi and Yong Qi loved Xiao Yan Zi. Yong Zhang knew, right now, the only thing standing between Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi was him. He had seen enough of Mei Ru to know that she loved Yong Qi only platonically, that she liked Xiao Yan Zi and that she would never stand between their happiness. If anything, if he picked up the signs he had been to blind to see before, he could be sure that Mei Ru wanted Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi together.

Could he make the decision Yong Qi did and let Xiao Yan Zi go, for her happiness? Did he have a choice whether to let her go or not? No, he knew he could not force Xiao Yan Zi into marrying him. Not when he knew it would break the hearts of two of the people he loved most - Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi.

In a way, Yong Qi's situation was mirrored now in his own. The Xiao Yan Zi who loved him, the Xiao Yan Zi who was his, was the one who had no memory of her love for his brother. Now that she had all her memory, and knew everything of her past life, of her past experiences, she had ceased to be his. Or was she never his to begin with? Even when she lost her memories, Yong Qi's Xiao Yan Zi was still somewhere buried in her heart, under the fog of the past, waiting to come out. Xiao Yan Zi's heart never truly belonged to Yong Zhang. Yong Zhang's Xiao Yan Zi was only a shadow of the woman Xiao Yan Zi could have been, had situations been different, had she not met Yong Qi before she met Yong Zhang.

Yong Qi could see the conflict drifting through Yong Zhang's face. A tiny glimmer of hope of reconciliation appeared in Yong Qi when he saw Yong Zhang's countenance soften from anger to a more confused and conflicted pain. Yong Qi tried to push that hope out of his mind. He knew he had no right to hope that Yong Zhang would forgive him for hurting him, hurting Xiao Yan Zi like he did.

Yong Zhang looked at Yong Qi. These past days, he had hated Yong Qi beyond anything he felt before, for any of his brother, or anyone. He hated Yong Qi for loving Xiao Yan Zi quite so much, for doing all this because he believed it was for Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Zhang's happiness. He hated Yong Qi for being so considerate of his feelings for Xiao Yan Zi, yet at the same time, so inconsiderate of it regarding what would happen if - when - the truth came out. He hated Yong Qi for having all of Xiao Yan Zi's love, and for being a brother that he knew he could never not love. It was only when they were caught up in this situation that Yong Zhang realised love and hate are the two sides of the same coin, especially when it came to siblings. Yong Zhang had no doubt that, even then, he would be willing to die for Yong Qi, despite the fact that Yong Qi had just hurt him more than any of his siblings ever managed to do.

But did Yong Qi just have that power to hurt him so much because they were so close? He expected jealousy, sabotage, hurt and pain from his other brothers who were in competition with him. To him, none of their scheming had ever hurt. But wasn't that just because he knew those brothers really wanted him hurt? Yong Qi, he was sure, never wanted to hurt him, nor Xiao Yan Zi. Xiao Yan Zi's words rang in Yong Zhang's ears again.

"You hurt me! You only have that ability to hurt me because I love you!"

That was true for him, as well, wasn't it? He loved Yong Qi beyond any of his other brothers. Only in loving Yong Qi did he allow Yong Qi to hurt him.

* * *

Yong Qi sighed as he exited Ren He Gong. When he came into Ren He Gong, Yong Qi had no idea how he wanted his talk with Yong Zhang to go about, or how it might end. Yong Zhang had not yet shown any sign of his anger lessening but then again, Yong Qi didn't expect him to. After that lengthy silence, they didn't speak much more, and Yong Zhang made it clear that he had heard all he was willing to hear from Yong Qi for the day. Yong Qi knew it was useless to say more. He knew nothing he say right now could ever lessen Yong Zhang's pain. But Yong Zhang was willing to speak to him. That was what Yong Qi was trying to do in seeking him out. He knew once Yong Zhang was speaking to him, he was beginning on the long and slow road to healing. The silence he held only showed that he was still dwelling on his hurt.

Yong Qi had to admit he was never really in Yong Zhang's position. No, even before, when he believed that there really was a part of Xiao Yan Zi that loved Yong Zhang, he also knew that in the deepest, forgotten corner of Xiao Yan Zi's heart, there was room for him, that he could never completely be gone from her heart.

Yong Qi thought back the conversation he had with Er Tai such a long time ago, when Qian Long had contemplated a marriage between Er Kang and Xiao Yan Zi, when he thought Xiao Yan Zi was still his daughter. He was so close to letting go of Xiao Yan Zi to Er Tai then. But that wasn't for Xiao Yan Zi that he did it, nor was it for Er Tai. It was because the situation made him consider it. It was not really sacrifice because then he considered it only for their comfort, not for their happiness. Er Tai had been the one making the sacrifice. Yong Qi knew that then Er Tai must have had some feelings for Xiao Yan Zi. No matter how insignificant the feelings were then compared to what Er Tai felt now for Sai Ya Yong Qi knew letting go of one's first love must have been hard, especially when you were letting her go to your best friend.

Yong Qi couldn't help feeling guilty for both Er Tai and Yong Zhang. Perhaps Er Tai was duly compensated in Sai Ya but Yong Qi knew Er Tai was only not hurt because he had realised Yong Qi's feelings early on and stopped himself from feeling too much for Xiao Yan Zi, from falling too deeply in love with Xiao Yan Zi.

But he, Yong Qi, had led Yong Zhang on. He encouraged Yong Zhang in pursuing Xiao Yan Zi. Why? Yong Qi knew that he had believed it was for Xiao Yan Zi's good, but also there was a part of him that knew he was running away from himself. He was not ready to face the emotions and pain that Xiao Yan Zi brought back to his life. He had thought if he pushed Xiao Yan Zi away to a place that he could not reach, and not allow himself to consider her, he might escape the pain and the force of all his feelings. But the shelf he had put them on had been too weak and his emotions too strong. He knew nothing of the reliability of Xiao Yan Zi's memory loss. He had gambled and the shelf had broken. Xiao Yan Zi did manage to remember and all those pain, all those feelings, and emotions had come crashing down on him, Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Zhang.

Yong Qi looked around him. He had managed to reach the Swallow Meadow in a much quicker time than he realised. He hadn't been here since Xiao Yan Zi disappeared. Being here had brought back too many painful memories. However, today, he had felt that he needed to be here.

He looked towards the lake and saw that Xiao Yan Zi was already there before him. She was standing at the bank, under the willow tree, a tree that held so much of their memories.

Yong Qi knew she must have heard him approach, since he was standing just a few steps away from her. Yong Qi took a couple of steps closer to her, and stood right behind her. She was just standing still, not giving any indication that she knew he was there.

Then, after a long silence, Xiao Yan Zi said suddenly, "You know, Yong Zhang actually proposed to me here."

Yong Qi raised his eyebrows at the news.

"At the time, I couldn't understand why this place felt so familiar but now...I guess I should have known then," she sighed. "I guess if I didn't push away that sneaking feeling that I've been here before, if I'd look deeper, I might known why this place had made such strange feelings rose in me. You've always been there, lurking somewhere in my heart and I just didn't have the courage to face up to the memories. Now, looking back, I know that I could have remembered all along. It was just that every time I begin to remember, such powerful feelings rose in me first that they scared me. So I held them back. Yet at the same time I desperately wanted to know what happened in my past life."

Xiao Yan Zi finally turned around and looked at Yong Qi. "Where are we now? What do we do now?"

"I don't know?" Yong Qi said hesitantly. "Well, if you leave it up to Mei Ru, she'd be starting to plan our wedding faster than we could say the word. But I don't know if that's actually an option...I can't do that to Mei Ru..."

"I didn't think it was. Then we don't have an option. I cannot marry Yong Zhang. We cannot get married. I think we're doomed," Xiao Yan Zi said, her voice full of sorrow, despite her attempt at a joke.

They stood there, in silence, both trying to figure out what they themselves and what each other were feeling. Yong Qi wondered where Xiao Yan Zi was supposed to stand in his life right now, where she was in this family. How could he ever see her just as his father's adopted daughter, thus his sister? How could he consider her in any other way?

Yong Qi looked at Xiao Yan Zi, feeling pain scorching his heart. This was what he was afraid of. They were being caught in their feelings for each other yet with no way out. They could hardly suppress their feelings now, but he could not let himself even consider acting on their feelings. So what was his solution? What was he supposed to do? Yong Qi knew that right then, he was hurting Xiao Yan Zi more than she had ever been hurt. For them to be standing here together - knowing that they loved each other, yet he was married, and both of them bound by honour to not hurt Mei Ru, whom both had come to cherish as a friend - it was something close to torture.

What Yong Qi didn't entirely understand was how calmly Xiao Yan Zi was taking this. He didn't expect her to understand his motives for keeping the truth from her. If he really ever let himself think about it before, he would have guessed her reaction at something close to rage. Yes, she was angry when she first burst in and confronted him about the truth. But afterwards, she seemed strangely accepting of his reasons. It made Yong Qi wonder if she herself really knew how hurt she was by this situation, whether she was letting herself feel that pain, or she was trying to lock it up to put up an appearance of everything being all right…

…Like he tried to push away the pain of having her thrown back in his life again, not knowing who he was, by keeping the truth from her.

* * *

Qian Long's birthday was in two months and as usual, the whole palace was bustling with preparation for the celebrations. Yong Qi didn't know how he ended up in charge of organising the entertainment shows along with Yong Zhang. He had suspected that Er Kang or Ling Fei had a hand in this, trying to make them work together. He knew that they meant well, and that they truly wanted the still very thick tension between Yong Qi and Yong Zhang sorted out. Yong Qi also knew as long as Yong Zhang still couldn't get over his resentment for Yong Qi, Yong Zhang would not bear to talk to Xiao Yan Zi about his feelings yet. Yong Qi also knew that Yong Zhang and Xiao Yan Zi desperately needed to talk more about their situation. Yong Zhang's determination to avoid Xiao Yan Zi was making her upset and nervous.

"Mei Ru, would you somehow get Xiao Yan Zi to come here tomorrow?" Yong Qi asked finally, one evening. Yong Qi knew he would have to have Mei Ru's help if this plan would go through. Xiao Yan Zi would never come to Jing Yang Gong on her own and it would be rather awkward of him to go anywhere near Shu Fang Zhai now. Yong Qi sighed. He knew he could still reach Shu Fang Zhai with his eyes closed from Jing Yang Gong, but that didn't mean that he was still free to frequent there like before.

"Probably. I know she'd been avoiding this part of the palace a bit, but I think with Zi Wei's help I can somehow get her here. Why?"

"I need to talk to her, and Yong Zhang. Together. I can't spend two months working with Yong Zhang when he's in this state. And I know he hadn't talked to Xiao Yan Zi since he found out the truth. I know Yong Zhang, if you don't get on his nerves and force him to talk, he'll keep all his feelings to himself and it would only worsen the situation. He's better off when he'd let out his feelings."

"Now you want _him_ to talk about his feelings to Xiao Yan Zi? Like you didn't yourself before?" Mei Ru said a little unsympathetically.

Yong Qi sighed. He knew Mei Ru was doing her best to resist telling him "I told you so" and this was the closest she had come to that sentence ever since the truth got out to Yong Zhang.

"Look, fine, I was being stupid, all right? I knew it would hurt her if she found out. I realise that I was having a futile hope of her never finding out, but I blindly kept the truth from them anyway. Now, in retrospect, seeing how much it's hurting all of us, it was a foolish thing to do. You were right. I was running away from my own feelings, afraid to face them."

"You admit that I was right?" Mei Ru said challengingly.

"Yes!"

"So trust my judgement again. Marry Xiao Yan Zi!" Mei Ru said determinedly.

Yong Qi felt his heart sank. This was not a topic that he wanted to talk to Mei Ru about right then. Yong Qi didn't know if he cared too much for both Xiao Yan Zi and Mei Ru or he was just being stupid. After all, who had ever been in his situation? His wife was, willingly and completely without jealousy or grudge, practically ordering him to marry another woman.

No, Yong Qi thought, not just any woman.

Xiao Yan Zi.

Xiao Yan Zi meant more to him than anything in the world. He couldn't marry her when he knew he could never give himself totally to her. How could he bear putting her through that? Would she even be willing to marry him, knowing he was still married to Mei Ru, if he could somehow make himself look at the situation from a different angle, from Mei Ru's angle?

Yong Qi shook his head and groaned. "You're not going to let that subject go, are you, Mei Ru? Look, I can't be in a position to even consider that right now, not with Yong Zhang still so hurt over this. Can I just get this meeting with Yong Zhang and Xiao Yan Zi over with before you round out on me on this?"

"You know I'm not going to let it go, Yong Qi! All right, I'll make sure that Xiao Yan Zi gets here tomorrow and you can have your talk with the two of them."

* * *

The next day, Zi Wei went to Shu Fang Zhai to see Xiao Yan Zi.

Zi Wei knew that, somehow, somewhere along the way, her friendship with Xiao Yan Zi had somewhat suffered. It had been a month since she regained her memories, yet Xiao Yan Zi had not once come to Zi Wei to talk about her situation. Zi Wei could somewhat understand why Xiao Yan Zi was choosing to take this situation upon herself and suffer alone. She knew the fact that she was married had somehow estranged her from Xiao Yan Zi a bit. At least, Xiao Yan Zi gave that impression. Zi Wei knew every time Xiao Yan Zi saw her and had to be reminded that she was married and Xiao Yan Zi was not, it brought pain to Xiao Yan Zi. And it pained Zi Wei to realise that, in getting married, she had somehow been pushed to the opposite end of the spectrum of womanhood from where Xiao Yan Zi stood.

But Zi Wei also knew that Xiao Yan Zi needed her now more than ever. Zi Wei wondered if she should have just told Xiao Yan Zi the truth from the very beginning, regardless of what Yong Qi said. Zi Wei knew if she did that then, it would certainly save Yong Zhang the current pain, save both Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi from the guilt they suffered now. But Zi Wei had held back. She knew it would have hurt Xiao Yan Zi anyway to hear such information from Zi Wei and not Yong Qi. So which pain was more? Did she do the right thing in keeping her silence?

"Xiao Yan Zi, how are you, really?" Zi Wei asked softly.

Xiao Yan Zi looked away from Zi Wei. She didn't know she had to feel so restricted around Zi Wei. Why did she feel so alone, when she knew Zi Wei was more than willing to share this pain with her? Why should Zi Wei be any different from the girl she swore to be sisters with, now that she was married? Xiao Yan Zi wondered if she was just envious that Zi Wei had found happiness in her life when she, Xiao Yan Zi, didn't have any clear direction for her own life. Or was she just afraid that Zi Wei had forgotten what it meant to be so unsure of her future, now that her future was anchored to her family? If Zi Wei had forgotten what life was like, once, not knowing if she would ever find happiness, could she really understand the pain Xiao Yan Zi was going through?

Xiao Yan Zi looked back at Zi Wei. She knew Zi Wei was genuinely worried about her. Xiao Yan Zi knew she was being ridiculous in refusing to let Zi Wei in. But she couldn't help it. Xiao Yan Zi didn't really want Zi Wei's sympathy anyway. Not when Zi Wei would be standing on her higher ground of happiness to pity her.

"I'm fine," she said tonelessly.

Zi Wei let out a frustrated sigh. "Xiao Yan Zi, please! Stop pushing me away like this! I don't know why you think you can't talk to me anymore, but please don't think like that! Xiao Yan Zi, I'm worried about you! Talk to me!"

"You wouldn't understand, Zi Wei!" Xiao Yan Zi said in frustration.

"Perhaps! But that doesn't mean I can't listen, Xiao Yan Zi! I know you need a person to listen to your pain and fears now than someone to offer you advice. No one can advise on what you do with your life after this, Xiao Yan Zi, not when it's in this situation. But you need to talk, Xiao Yan Zi! All of you, Yong Qi, Yong Zhang and you! Perhaps you don't have to talk to me, but will you at least talk to them! I know you and Yong Qi had talked a bit but when was the last time you saw Yong Zhang? All three of you need to sort this mess between you out!"

"Is that what you've come here to tell me?" Xiao Yan Zi snapped angrily. Zi Wei had just said no one could advise her on her problem, and here she was, telling Xiao Yan Zi what to do! "I don't need your lecture, Zi Wei! You don't need to tell me what to do, especially you have no idea what you're talking about. You've never been in this situation, you can't sit there and tell me what I should or should not do!"

Zi Wei shook her head and said, "You're taking my word the wrong way, Xiao Yan Zi! I was not lecturing you! Please, Xiao Yan Zi, just go talk to Yong Zhang?"

"He doesn't want to talk to me," Xiao Yan Zi stated simply.

"So what will you do, Xiao Yan Zi? Stay in this state where the three of you avoid each other for as long as you live? It's not going to work like that, and you know it, Xiao Yan Zi!"

Xiao Yan Zi stayed silent. She didn't even know if she wanted to talk to Yong Zhang. How could she face Yong Zhang again? But how could she let their relationship stay like this?

"Yong Qi put you up to this, didn't he?" Xiao Yan Zi asked after a long while.

"Yong Qi? What does Yong Qi have anything to do with whether you speak to Yong Zhang or not?" Zi Wei tried to evade the question.

Xiao Yan Zi sighed. "Fine. I know Yong Qi wants this mess sorted out, especially between the two of them. I'll talk to Yong Zhang. Where is he?"

"Jing Yang Gong," Zi Wei informed her.

Xiao Yan Zi didn't even bother asking how Zi Wei knew that.

* * *

Xiao Yan Zi met Mei Ru in the front room at Jing Yang Gong. So this is why she had avoided Jing Yang Gong. Coming to Jing Yang Gong would mean bumping into Mei Ru, it would mean being reminded of the fact that Mei Ru was still Yong Qi's wife.

Mei Ru showed her into the study, where both Yong Qi and Yong Zhang were present. They were sitting around a desk, with a list of possible acts to be performed to honour Qian Long's birthday in front of them, but neither of them actually knew what the list consisted of. They had spent the last hour that they've been sitting there trying to figure out where they actually stood with each other.

Yong Qi couldn't call the last hour he spent with Yong Zhang comfortable. It was more like a truce had cropped up unnoticed between them. Yong Zhang was treating him in a neutral manner that he used to talk to all the other princes. It was more politeness than coldness between them. There was still a certain barrier between them, it was uncomfortable but not hostile. Yong Qi didn't even dare hope for this much when he anticipated Yong Zhang's arrival that day. No, he didn't really expect Yong Zhang to be able to soften that fast.

Yong Zhang had to admit that Xiao Yan Zi was right. He could never not think of Yong Qi as his brother. He could never feel so much anger towards Yong Qi as to ruin their bond forever. Yet that didn't make the pain he felt go away. However, after he had sufficient time to think about this situation, Yong Zhang had felt he knew what he must do.

There was a tense silence as Xiao Yan Zi entered the room. The three of them, Yong Qi, Yong Zhang and Xiao Yan Zi, stood in the room, not really looking at each other, but each furtively studying each other in silence.

Then, Yong Zhang looked at Xiao Yan Zi. Xiao Yan Zi suddenly found that she couldn't meet his eyes. She was staring determinedly over his shoulder. However, as he asked his question, Xiao Yan Zi couldn't help snapping her eyes in astonishment to meet his.

"Do you love Yong Qi?" Yong Zhang asked.

Whatever Xiao Yan Zi expected Yong Zhang to say to her then, it certainly was not this. She didn't know why, but she didn't think Yong Zhang would want to hear this truth. But he had asked her, with his eyes looking directly into hers, his countenance serious.

Xiao Yan Zi glanced at Yong Qi, and saw that he was gripping the back of the chair in front of him tightly, his lips pursed. Their eyes met for a fleeting moment, and Xiao Yan Zi knew that Yong Qi knew what her answer was.

Xiao Yan Zi turned back to look at Yong Zhang for a long time, trying to understand what Yong Zhang would do with the answer she was about to give. She could only see an earnest need to know in his eyes.

"Yes."

Xiao Yan Zi's answer was simple. It brought a momentary look of intense heartbreak to Yong Zhang's expression. He turned from both Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi for a moment and stared at the wall in front of him. Behind him, neither Yong Qi nor Xiao Yan Zi spoke, nor did they look at each other. Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi both turned their eyes to stare at Yong Zhang.

Then, after an agonisingly long moment of none of them saying anything, Yong Zhang slowly turned back to face them.

Yong Zhang stepped closer to Xiao Yan Zi and looked at her directly in the eye. The look was so intense that it scared her. Her heart beat wildly as she wondered what he would say, and how on earth she would ever cope with anything he had to say right then. "Xiao Yan Zi…" It was the first time that he'd said her name to her since he stormed out of Jing Yang Gong the day they found out the truth. "I love you."

These three words made guilt flood over Xiao Yan Zi. She dared a glance at Yong Qi and saw the guilt also etched across Yong Qi's face. Xiao Yan Zi bit her lips. She knew he could only hurt this much because he loved her. The thought only made her blame herself more, blame herself that she was too foolish to understand her own feelings, too vain to be so flattered by Yong Zhang's love that she refused to admit herself that she might not love him back with all that intensity. But hearing these words from Yong Zhang also made Xiao Yan Zi realise that Yong Zhang also stood where Yong Qi had stood once. Between his brother and his heart. Xiao Yan Zi closed her eyes and waited for what he would say next.

Yong Zhang continued. "I was hurt to know the truth of where your heart really lies. I admit it, I spent a long time feeling sorry for myself, wondering why you chose to love Yong Qi instead of me. But I only realised that the more I dwell on why, the more it hurt me. Then I ask myself why I love you so much, and instead of answering myself, I realised that you, too, had no control over your heart. Neither of us had a choice in who we give our heart to. You couldn't have chosen not to love Yong Qi any more than I couldn't have chosen not to love you. And I understand, as Yong Qi does, that in loving you, I need to want what is best for you. But I realise, like Yong Qi perhaps was too noble, too stupid, too much in denial, too in love with you, whatever you will, to realise, that only you can decide what you want in your life, that you deserve to make an informed decision. And right now, I know the choice you will make, Xiao Yan Zi. Even if you were possessed by some ridiculous and insane sense of honour to keep our engagement, I will not let you, because we both know it is not what you want nor what would make you happy."

Xiao Yan Zi didn't know how she stood there and faced Yong Zhang as he said this, nor how she managed to stop herself from surrendering to an emotional breakdown as she heard his words. Even when he proposed to her, Yong Zhang had not laid his feelings so calmly and clearly to her like he was now. She acknowledged his feelings for her with pain, pain for having broken his heart, pain not being able to get them, all three of them, out of the pain they all felt then.

Yong Zhang slowly turned to face Yong Qi.

"San ge," Yong Qi said gruffly. Hearing this, Yong Zhang could only stare at Yong Qi for a long time. Yong Qi had not called him that since he was ten.

"Wu di," Yong Zhang answered with the corresponding address, and despite the situation they were in, they both fought an urge to laugh. The titles seemed to bring them closer at that moment. Then Yong Zhang sighed. "To say that I am not still bitter about having lost in this competition that we weren't even having would be lying. But I guess, after a long time of struggling with myself, forcing myself to see the situation from your point of view…I am beginning to see why you did what you did. And I can't deny that I was so hurt only because you mean that much more to me."

Yong Zhang let out a breath and put a hand on Yong Qi's shoulder. "To put it bluntly, I think you're in a bit of a sticky situation. Quite frankly, if I really accept the situation now, I would have to say your problem is much bigger than mine at the moment. I, at least, know what the solution to my problem is, I just need to get myself to accept that solution. You don't have that right now, do you? Though I have to say, from what I've seen, if you leave it to Mei Ru, she'd say that the solution for you is very simple. But I know I cannot be anywhere in your solution now. I just want you, both of you," at this, Yong Zhang turned to Xiao Yan Zi as well, who had been looking at him curiously all this time, "to know that you don't need to worry about my reactions to whatever you're doing next in your life. I think I have enough to do at the moment trying to reconcile myself to my own solution."

With that and a brief, resigned looked at the two of them, Yong Zhang strode out of the room before either of the other could realise what he had done, leaving them to wonder what on earth had just happened.

* * *

If Yong Zhang was being totally honest with himself, he had to say that it took all his will power not to show any of his hurt, any of his jealousy at the love Xiao Yan Zi obviously felt for Yong Qi, to either Xiao Yan Zi or Yong Qi. The encounter had brought more pain to Yong Zhang than he had ever felt, more than even when he found out the truth of where Xiao Yan Zi's heart really lay.

Yong Zhang knew he was not quite so accepting of the situation as he led Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi to think. No, he knew there was still a huge part of his heart that wondered if all this pain, all this heartbreak he was going through was actually real. He was still hoping against hope, despite everything his head telling him that this was indeed hopeless, that this would turn out to be a nightmare that he would soon wake up from. He wondered how he managed to say all those things to Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi when inside he was still desperately holding on to the hope that Xiao Yan Zi would wake up the next day, realising that she didn't love Yong Qi, after all.

Yong Zhang had felt more or less possessed by some strange strength when he forced himself to put Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi's mind somewhat at ease in telling them what he did. Well, part of what he said was true. He did love Xiao Yan Zi. Heaven knew how much he loved her. He was slowly, albeit, very slowly, beginning to see why Yong Qi did what he did. And he did realise, that if (there was still a part of him that thought of it as an 'if') Xiao Yan Zi really loved Yong Qi, it would be that she didn't have control over her heart. But if by some insane reason, Xiao Yan Zi would still marry him now, Yong Zhang knew the part of him so desperately in love with her would still jump at the chance. Perhaps he would regret it later but…

But at least, now perhaps they, or more specifically, Yong Qi, would stop seeking him out to try and solve the tension between them, and his father would stop giving him looks every time they saw each other, and Ling Fei would stop trying to make him see Xiao Yan Zi's feelings from her perspective. Yong Zhang was telling the truth. He had enough to get on with trying to resign himself to the situation without everyone else around him still feeling sorry for him. No, it would be a lot better if they thought he was accepting the situation and stopped pitying him. He would never be able to accept the situation if they pitied him. Yong Zhang knew resigning himself to this situation would take a long time…perhaps for the rest of his life. And he couldn't bear to have his family know it was taking him that long. He didn't need everyone to thread lightly around him. He needed them to treat him normally.

Even then, he wondered if he really said all those things to deceive everyone to put him at peace or it was really was out of love for both Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi that he really wanted to put their minds at peace. Was he merely being selfish, saying things he did not completely mean, because it would stop everyone treading on eggshells around him and generally getting on his nerves? Or was there some subconscious part of him that really did mean all those things he said? Could he really have said them all out of a lie?

And why did the moment when Yong Qi addressed him as "San ge" make him feel an overwhelming rush of love for his brother? Those two words had brought them back in time, and for that moment, Yong Zhang felt like he never knew Xiao Yan Zi, that he and Yong Qi were as close as ever.

Strangely, as confused as he knew he was about, and unacceptable as was, this situation, for a brief moment, in Jing Yang Gong, Yong Zhang could see a picture of what Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi could have together. That one moment was the only time when Yong Zhang ever saw anything with all its sharpness and clarity, as opposed to blindly getting himself through what he was planning to say. For that one moment, Yong Zhang did desperately hope, as he hoped at other times that Xiao Yan Zi did love him after all, that Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi will somehow end up happily married. Where this very odd vision of Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi together came from, Yong Zhang did not know. Nor did he know why, then, he should feel such a strong conviction and hope that Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi would and should be united, and happy together.

* * *

"Was that his way of giving us his blessings without actually saying the words?" Xiao Yan Zi asked confusedly after she and Yong Qi had been left together.

"I think I'm quite lost at how to take his words. I know Yong Zhang. He can hold grudges and doesn't usually accept things like this that easily. I wonder if he really meant the words he said or was just saying them," Yong Qi sighed.

"Why would he put himself through the pain of saying them if he really didn't mean them? And could he say them if he didn't mean them? And how could saying something he doesn't mean help anything right now?" Xiao Yan Zi asked.

"I think perhaps he was not so much convincing us of where he stood, but more convincing himself. I don't know, Xiao Yan Zi. Maybe…maybe he's right. We've all got enough to have a headache over without being so awkward around each other. I've never quite been in such an uncomfortable situation with Yong Zhang as lately. Everyone's being awkward around us…it's only reminding us of what happened and it will not help any of us accept this situation any earlier."

"So what _do_ we do now? Treat him like nothing's happened? I don't know how I would do that, at any rate."

"It would solve all our problem if I knew, wouldn't it, Xiao Yan Zi? Well, that was not quite what I had in mind when I got both him and you over here this morning. Yong Zhang is right. At least he knows what he's going to do now. We're stuck."

"A pickle, we've caught ourselves in. A quite sour one at that," Xiao Yan Zi mumbled.

For all the literary knowledge that Yong Qi possessed, he couldn't think of a better way to put it.


	5. Wedding Musings

**Chapter 5: Wedding Musings**

* * *

The next morning, Mei Ru dragged Yong Qi to see Xiao Yan Zi at Shu Fang Zhai.

Xiao Yan Zi felt a little awkwardness as she greeted both Yong Qi and Mei Ru that morning. She had been somewhat avoiding Mei Ru ever since she remembered her past, remembered who Mei Ru was, who she was to Yong Qi. Xiao Yan Zi knew she could not look at Mei Ru without pain, and if she let that pain consume her, Xiao Yan Zi knew she was in very great danger of letting it take over her new-found friendship with Mei Ru. And she didn't want that. She knew that Mei Ru didn't marry Yong Qi out of free will, but that didn't mean that Xiao Yan Zi had to be comfortable with the fact that she was Yong Qi's wife, thus ending Xiao Yan Zi's own chance at the position.

And then, to see the two of them, together, was putting more strain on Xiao Yan Zi's emotional limit than she was willing to bear, especially with everything that had been happening lately.

Mei Ru didn't let either of them start talking, but stood in front of them and got straight to the point.

"I don't care how you think you're going to hurt me, but I'll tell you now, I'll make sure that the two of you marry if it's the last thing I do!" Mei Ru said in a convincing tone.

Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi avoided each other's eyes.

"Mei Ru, please, don't do this…It's not an option that we could consider. It would hurt you, by which would hurt both of us in turn," Xiao Yan Zi whispered when Yong Qi stayed stubbornly silent, looking anywhere but at either Xiao Yan Zi or Mei Ru.

It was not as if Xiao Yan Zi didn't want to be Yong Qi's wife. Goodness knew she did. But to marry Yong Qi and to be constantly reminded by Mei Ru's presence of the fact that she was not this only wife, it was a painful notion to Xiao Yan Zi. She wondered if she was just being pettily jealous. After all, Mei Ru didn't want to be Yong Qi's wife. Her presence in Jing Yang Gong was hardly as his wife. It was more as a friend, a sister. So why did Xiao Yan Zi feel uncomfortable about her being, in title, Yong Qi's wife?

"Look, when I said I would not escape pain if you married," Mei Ru sighed wearily, "I didn't mean pain in the sense you both are imagining. I spoke more of a sense of feeling sorry for myself. To see your marriage, your happiness, yes, it will cause me to feel sorry for myself, sorry for what I lost. But that doesn't mean I am not already feeling that now. The pain is going to be there, whether you two marry or not. And it's only going to add to my guilt that I was the reason that kept you apart if you don't take your happiness. I cannot stand to be responsible for your misery, for either of you. Please, I know how much you love each other. I have loved too. Albeit, it hurt me more than anything ever did, but I know how hard it was to resist. Can you two really resist your love now? And you know if you don't marry, you will just be driven mad by seeing each other everyday, knowing you can't have a future together. Please, do this as a favour for me, for yourself. I really do appreciate both of your friendship, and I do appreciate what you both are trying to do for me. I can't have you disregard your happiness as an option because you think it would hurt me."

"But you…I know you don't love Yong Qi, but can you really stand back and watch another woman marry your husband?" Xiao Yan Zi asked quietly, wincing mentally as she referred to Yong Qi as Mei Ru's husband. Yong Qi himself couldn't hold back a grimace as he heard Xiao Yan Zi's words.

Mei Ru laughed dryly. "I've hardly ever thought of Yong Qi as my husband, you know, as odd as that sounds. Look, I know it might be a bit awkward with me still around the house, but I'll tell you I will not stand between you two, I will be completely oblivious of what goes on behind closed doors and I will not grudge your happiness. Xiao Yan Zi, I don't want to ever think I could ever be a threat to Yong Qi's love for you. I've resigned myself to what I lost in my life. I don't need to be constantly reminded of it in the fact that it's the thing keeping the two of you apart. I don't need either of you feel sorry for me. You would do the same in my position, Xiao Yan Zi, and you know it. Both of you had been through too much already. You don't deserve another heartbreak again."

"Neither do you, Mei Ru," Yong Qi said quietly, looking directly at her.

Mei Ru let out a sigh, and was quiet for a moment. Then she said evenly, "You both can be noble to a fault, you know that? But I think you both know that you will be miserable if you have to be around each other with no future to look forward to. How could you be around each other now? How could you be apart now? Your misery will one day make you resent me, both of you, and I really don't want that. I don't want to lose either of your friendship!"

Mei Ru regarded them silently for a moment. Then, she continued. "Look, just consider it, all right? I know you both have pushed the possibility out of your heads but now I'm asking you to consider it as an option. Seriously! Don't think about how it would affect me but what it might bring you!"

Mei Ru turned to leave, but half way to the door, she stopped in her steps and paused. Turning slowly to face them again, she said, "You know, it's not a crime to want to be happy and doing what you need to do to get what you want. You have your chance at happiness. Don't waste it."

With a determined look at both of them, Mei Ru left the room. Left alone together, Yong Qi turned slowly to face Xiao Yan Zi.

"Well?" He asked quietly.

"I don't know. I don't!" Xiao Yan Zi said firmly. She closed her eyes for a moment as she thought about Mei Ru's words. But the more she thought about them, the more agitated she felt. She opened her eyes and the moment she met Yong Qi's gaze, it was as if something snapped inside her. An overwhelming frustration and rage covered her whole body; Xiao Yan Zi didn't even know where these feelings came from. All she knew was that she had been pushed back against a wall, that her life was so hopelessly confusing, that she felt as if she couldn't be bothered with living anymore.

"Why do we have to be in this situation?" She shouted, quite taking Yong Qi by surprise. "I don't want things to be this complicated! Why can't things just be simple? Who am I supposed to blame now, Yong Qi? I can blame myself for not seeing my own feelings, blame you for not telling me the truth from the beginning, blame everyone else for complying to your ridiculous plan! But how does that change the situation now? I don't know what I'm supposed to do or feel right now, Yong Qi! Tell me, what am I supposed to want now?"

Xiao Yan Zi felt all the anger, the heartbreak, the pain that she had been feeling and suppressing all this past month bursting to pour out of her. For a long while, she shouted, ranted, huffed and paced around the room agitatedly. One could say she was throwing a tantrum yet she hardly knew what she was so angry about, whether her anger was directed at Yong Qi, or at herself, or at whoever it was that set them up in this situation. She didn't even know what she was saying and she didn't really care. The individual words themselves didn't matter, anyhow. All Xiao Yan Zi knew then was that that she had tried not to blame anyone for this fiasco because she knew none of them exclusively deserved the blame, but holding back her frustration had lead to it being pent up and hurting herself even more.

Xiao Yan Zi didn't know if the look on Yong Qi's face after he got over the shock of her outburst was a comfort or not. It was as if he had expected her to be angry and was content to let her rant off her anger.

"Feel better?" Yong Qi asked her, with a hint of amusement in his voice as she finally threw herself down onto a chair, and glared at him. They stared at each other for a long while. Yong Qi sighed and broke the silence. "I'm surprised you only got angry now. I'd expected you to be furious a lot earlier…"

Xiao Yan Zi didn't say anything but just pouted at him. The silence stretched between them until, at last, Xiao Yan Zi couldn't stand it anymore.

"So…what Mei Ru was saying…" she began.

Yong Qi turned abruptly away from her and stared out the window, his fist clenched behind his back.

"Mei Ru is right, Xiao Yan Zi. I won't be able to be around you after this without being driven crazy by the knowledge that you're there and we can't be together." He turned around and looked at Xiao Yan Zi sorrowfully. Xiao Yan Zi bit her lips as she felt a dire need to cry. Why can't things just solve themselves? What she – they – needed now was a solution to drop itself from Heaven. Xiao Yan Zi had never felt so tired in her whole life as now.

"Do you…_want_ to marry me?" Xiao Yan Zi asked quietly.

"Is that supposed to be a rhetorical question?" Yong Qi asked, smiling. Then, he took her hands and said seriously, "Xiao Yan Zi, before all this started…before all this mess came up…there was nothing more that I ever looked forward more in my entire life than our wedding, to spend the rest of my life with you. And now, with everything that had happened, after everything that we had to go through, I still want that. I know that I only truly live my life around you. Before I met you, my life was more or less an existence in the luxury that was the palace, that was my title and wealth. Meeting you, falling in love with you was a terrifying and exhilarating experience, because for the first time I truly realised there was much more to life than title and wealth, that love and friendship could be so much more valuable than all the gold my title could give me. In meeting you, for the first time, I was living life to the fullest, with all its happiness, laughter, hurt and pain. And suddenly, before I even realised how it happened, I lost you…I lost the life I had that was you…And having you taken out of my life made me have to go back to the existence I was in before, and now that I know what life is, I could no longer see a point in just being Wu Ah Ge, not when my title can not mean anything to me anymore. Nothing could mean anything to me without you, because as I realised it the moment I lost you, you are my life. You are everything, Xiao Yan Zi."

Somehow, Yong Qi's speech took Xiao Yan Zi back to a time years ago, when he had said similar things to her, when she had run away and was kidnapped by the couple running the chess store. Like they had then, his words now made her feel an overwhelming bout of love filling her body. It only made her realise even more, how no matter what happened, he had marked her as his the moment his arrow pierced her chest in the hunting ground.

"Was that a yes to my question?" Xiao Yan Zi asked finally after staying silent for a while. There was a hint of a smile on her lips.

"Yes," Yong Qi said with a small smile.

Both of them looked at each other, and at that moment, they understood that they both reached the point where they knew they wanted the same thing.

Yong Qi took a deep breath and then said, "I love you, Xiao Yan Zi, and I know I want to spend my life with you. I just don't know whether it's right for me to take a chance to be with you, when Mei Ru will always be part of my life, when I can't be yours totally. And I know as much as Mei Ru will not grudge me taking that chance, I don't know if I will be able to bear the guilt and if I can't, whether it will affect us for the worst."

Xiao Yan Zi bit her lips and looked away. "What if it only can affect us for the worst if we let it do so? What if…what if I want to take that chance? What if I want to be selfish for once? What if Mei Ru is right? That no matter whether we take our chance or not, she's already hurt?"

"You want to take the chance when you know what's waiting for you, for us?" Yong Qi asked, his eyes looking piercingly at her.

Xiao Yan Zi looked at him and wondered what on earth she was getting herself into. Yong Qi was right. Mei Ru would always be there. No matter how much she liked Mei Ru now, could she handle that? Could she let herself enter his life again, let herself be his again, knowing this? Could she not?

She looked up into Yong Qi's eyes. For the first time she realised how much has changed between them. Their love was no longer the naïve first love that pulled them together, with pointless bickering and childish jealousy. Her love for him had, over the years, unconsciously, all the time that she did not remember her past, changed in an indescribable way. That it did not weaken, she did not doubt. No, everything that happened since their broken engagement three years ago could not dampen her love for him. If anything, Xiao Yan Zi thought it must have strengthened it.

And she knew what she wanted. She knew what they both needed.

It was not a crime to want something that should have been theirs long ago. And after everything they've gone through, could anyone really condemn them for taking their chance at happiness?

Xiao Yan Zi took Yong Qi's hand and said slowly, "I will take this chance for us to be together if you promise me one thing. That you will never let either of us feel guilty for our feelings for each other. Love is not a sin, Yong Qi. And I don't want to ever feel guilty for it."

Yong Qi folded her into his arms and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. "I promise."

* * *

"It's funny. Yong Qi has seen practically every single room in Shu Fang Zhai, including Zi Wei's bedroom, which you'd think he'd never have occasion to be in. Yet for all the time I've been living in the palace, I must have only been to Jing Yang Gong half a dozen times and haven't been anywhere but this room and the study," Xiao Yan Zi mused as she looked around the front room of Jing Yang Gong.

It was ten days to the wedding and Mei Ru had pulled Xiao Yan Zi over to Jing Yang Gong for a tour of the place before she actually moved in. Xiao Yan Zi had agreed as it would take her away from a seemingly endless lecture from Ling Fei about her role in the actual ceremony that was only making Xiao Yan Zi even more nervous. Besides, Jing Yang Gong was a much larger and more intensive building than Shu Fang Zhai, and Xiao Yan Zi didn't want to wake up the morning after her wedding having no idea how to get from the bedroom to anywhere else in the house.

"Well, let's start with the bedrooms. Then we can work from getting from there to other places," Mei Ru said as she led Xiao Yan Zi into the interior of Jing Yang Gong.

"This is Yong Qi's bedroom. It's got a door that connects to your room right next door," Mei Ru explained as they entered the biggest bedroom in the house.

"Wait a minute, I know we'd be on the same status and everything, but the room next to Yong Qi's is supposed to be for the first wife, right? So shouldn't it be your room?" Xiao Yan Zi asked.

"It was, but I've moved to across the hall," Mei Ru shrugged and said nonchalantly, as if this was the most natural thing in the world.

"Why?" Xiao Yan Zi asked again.

Mei Ru turned and gave Xiao Yan Zi the oddest look, as if she had just gone crazy. "Xiao Yan Zi, what on earth am I going to do in a bedroom that connects to Yong Qi's bedroom? Trust me, you'd put that door between the two rooms to much better use than I." A small smirk played at the corners of Mei Ru's mouth. "Besides, I told you I'd be oblivious to what goes on behind closed doors. I can do that much better if I'm across the hall instead of separated by a door covered in rice paper."

Xiao Yan Zi blinked in astonishment as Mei Ru pulled her over to show her the connecting door. She didn't know what was more bizarre at that moment, being teased about her bedroom by her future husband's first wife or being teased about her bedroom by Mei Ru.

"So this will be the wedding chamber," Mei Ru explained as she showed Xiao Yan Zi into what was to be her bedroom. Half the room was bare of any furnishing. "Of course, all the furniture are being replaced, which is why it looks like a typhoon just hit it."

"Why?"

"So that you could call it your room instead of my old room," Mei Ru shrugged.

"Oh, come on, Mei Ru," Xiao Yan Zi shook her head. "Do you think I'd really care?"

"No, but I do," Mei Ru said conversationally. "Anyway, the refurnishing should be finished in a couple of days."

Mei Ru turned to face Xiao Yan Zi to find Xiao Yan Zi looking at her with an odd look.

Mei Ru sighed. "Xiao Yan Zi, I've said it all before…"

"I know," Xiao Yan Zi said hastily, "and I don't doubt the fact that you really do want Yong Qi and me to be happy. It's just…Yong Qi's told me a bit about you and…" Xiao Yan Zi trailed off, looking awkwardly at Mei Ru.

Mei Ru stiffened and closed her eyes for a moment. Then she looked at Xiao Yan Zi, her face devoid of any emotion. "A bit or all?" she asked quietly.

"I wouldn't know, would I? But the point is, how do you just stand here and watch him marry me?" Xiao Yan Zi asked quietly. "You know you yourself can't have the same chance…?"

"Well, look at it this way, Xiao Yan Zi. My father had always had certain expectations for my marriage. It would never be a match that I would want. But I came to realise eventually that I can never escape that unwanted match, no matter how I struggle, no matter how I hate it. Did I ever, even once, expect my husband, whoever he might be, to marry just once and just me? No. Any man that I might end up marrying would be of the highest class in society and they're not exactly known for monogamy, are they?"

"If I hadn't married Yong Qi, if I'd married someone else, it would still be an arranged marriage and he'd be marrying me because of my looks or my connections or my father's money. Whatever it was, that would be all I would be good for and he'd fall for the next pretty face he sees and marry her. The point is, I've never expected to be the only wife of any man. I've always expected whoever I will end up marrying to marry again. So it's given me a lot of time to get used to the idea. And I'd rather have it that Yong Qi never wanted me in the first place for any reason, and only married me because he didn't have any choice, and he's marrying you because he really does love you."

Xiao Yan Zi could sense the faint bitterness in Mei Ru's speech. At that moment, Xiao Yan Zi realised that in a very strange way, she was a lot luckier than Mei Ru. No one had ever had an expectation of who she should marry. No, Lao Fo Ye only ever wanted her _not_ to marry Yong Qi, she never tried to force her _into_ marriage. And Xiao Yan Zi saw then, that between their two situations, Mei Ru's being forced to marry Yong Qi, and Xiao Yan Zi's being forced not to marry him, hers was a reversible problem. After all, wasn't she to marry Yong Qi, now, anyway, regardless of what Lao Fo Ye said three years ago? But Mei Ru could never come back to not be being married Yong Qi. No, Mei Ru was stuck in her married state when Xiao Yan Zi's unmarried state could be changed.

No, Mei Ru was right. Men of the upper classes of society were not known for monogamy. She didn't know a single man in Yong Qi's position who only married one wife. She knew men like Yong Qi, Er Kang and Xiao Jian, who all insisted on staying loyal to the woman they loved were more than just a minority in this polygamous society. They were the odd ones out.

But men like Er Kang could chose not to marry again. If Xiao Yan Zi was being realistic, she would have to see that, for a prince like Yong Qi, marrying for the second, third, fourth, for the umpteenth time would be the most natural and expected thing in the world. It was, after all, expected of Yong Qi's position to provide the throne with many heirs, which could only be done with many wives. The realisation had been coming to her gradually, that no matter what the situation was, no matter whether it was her or Mei Ru that Yong Qi married first, Yong Qi's title and status did not allow him to marry just once. Lao Fo Ye, Xiao Yan Zi knew, certainly would never have let Yong Qi just live happily ever after with her, even if they did marry three years ago. The realisation only made Xiao Yan Zi realise how very naïve she and Yong Qi were once to hope, to dream that they alone could be allowed to make an exception in this polygamous society.

* * *

Despite having promised himself he would not grudge either Yong Qi or Xiao Yan Zi their feelings for each other, Yong Zhang could not help the unbearably strong emotions rising up in him like the morning tide as he stood on the side and watched the ceremony. He purposefully kept himself towards the back and block himself out of view. He didn't think it would be beneficial to either of them for him to catch Yong Qi's eyes right then.

Yong Zhang was not surprised to hear that Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi were getting married. What he was more surprised about was that Yong Qi himself told him the news. That, Yong Zhang did not expect. No, it wasn't as if Yong Zhang didn't think that Yong Qi was brave enough to face him with such news. He knew Yong Qi would not shrink away from it.

What struck Yong Zhang more when Yong Qi told him about his coming marriage to Xiao Yan Zi was the way Yong Qi told the news. He told it as if nothing unusual had happened to affect their relationship lately. For a moment, Yong Zhang could almost forget the fact that the woman Yong Qi was marrying was Xiao Yan Zi, and for that moment, things seemed to be back to normal between them, and Yong Zhang was genuinely happy for Yong Qi. Until, of course, the truth hit itself back to Yong Zhang. When it did, Yong Zhang could only feel bitter for himself.

Now, as he watched Xiao Yan Zi become Yong Qi's wife, he wondered if he will ever find someone who make him feel such strong emotions as Xiao Yan Zi. He could not imagine his feelings for Xiao Yan Zi ever fading, or ever feeling half as much for any other woman in the world. However, he also could not imagine loving Yong Qi any less or blaming Yong Qi for loving Xiao Yan Zi. No, he could grudge Yong Qi for having Xiao Yan Zi's love but he could never grudge him or blame him for loving Xiao Yan Zi. How could he, when he – Yong Zhang – loved Xiao Yan Zi more that he could ever imagine loving someone? And could he really grudge them wanting their happiness?

Yong Zhang forced himself to forget that he was ever engaged to Xiao Yan Zi and think about why Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi were apart in the first place, how Xiao Yan Zi came to lose her memory in the first place. Yong Zhang knew if things were different, if he always knew of Xiao Yan Zi's feelings for Yong Qi, if Xiao Yan Zi were already married to Yong Qi when he came home, his chances of falling in love with Xiao Yan Zi would have been low, because he would never have had let himself consider her that way. So was he supposed to blame Yong Qi for not revealing his and Xiao Yan Zi's feelings for each other when Xiao Yan Zi did not remember them?

Yong Zhang had long realised that it was no longer about blame. Placing the blame on any one of them would not solve the problem or cure his heartbreak. He was only bitter that he had to be the one to come after, that he was the one chosen to lose his chance.

Yong Zhang knew, life for him, after tonight, would be a lot harder. To face her again, knowing that she could never be his, that she was married to his brother, would be agony. To face Yong Qi again without loving him and hating him was impossible. As he watched Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi's last bow to each other, his heart ached with a sense of heartfelt loss.

* * *

Mei Ru gripped the handkerchief in her hand tightly as Yong Qi turned to her and his eyes met hers. Mei Ru smiled at him, willing him to see that she sincerely was happy for him. She could see gratitude, mixed along with other emotions, shining in his eyes as he held his gaze on her. But Mei Ru knew she did not need him, or either of them, to feel grateful to her. She needed them to be happy. And she knew they would be, if the smile on Yong Qi's face and light in his eyes were anything to go by.

Mei Ru watched as Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi entered their wedding chamber. An overwhelming rush of emotions that Mei Ru never felt before flushed over her as the door closed, leaving her to stare at the gold paper cut-out of the double-happiness character on the door. For a moment, Mei Ru was oblivious to everything around her, as she stared, mesmerised, at the door whose threshold she knew she could never step through: the door to total happiness.

Tearing her eyes from the door, Mei Ru slowly turned, feeling totally possessed by the intense emotions weighing down her heart, and retreated to her own room. Later, the next morning, she would never had had remembered how she managed to get to her room at all. As she closed the door and leaned heavily against it, Mei Ru let out the breath that she wasn't even aware she was holding.

Mei Ru closed her eyes and sank down onto the floor against the door. Her head felt light, blood seemed to heat up in her veins as she struggled not to break down totally. Mei Ru curled up against the door, drawing her knees close to her. She could not seem to be able to stop shaking. She bit down hard on her bottom lip so that she could feel skin breaking painfully. She finally gave in as the tear she had tried so hard to contain within her the whole evening slipped down her cheek.

She knew why her emotions had chosen that night to take over her, to break through her defences. She was happy for them. She really, sincerely and honestly was. But she was happy _for_ them, not _with_ them. And she envied them. She envied them because they had the only the thing she ever truly, desperately wanted in her life – to be able to spend the rest of her life with the man she loved. She envied them because after all their years apart, they still had their chance, where she knew she lost hers the moment her father dragged her back home, away from _him_.

She knew this would happen, did she not? She knew it would hurt to see them together. And she knew she could had stopped herself having to see them together. She could had kept them apart. They would never blame her for it, she knew. But she would blame herself. She knew she could never be that selfish. Not when she knew the unbearable pain of being kept away from the person she loved.

A sob escaped her lips. Despite all her pain, it took her totally by surprise. But she also knew she could not stop the tide that was coming in. Mei Ru pressed a hand against her mouth to muffle the noise, and for the first time since she last saw _him_, she let down all her guards and cried.


	6. To Depth and Breadth and Height

**Chapter 6: To Depth and Breadth and Height**

* * *

_Two months after the wedding_

Yong Qi returned to Jing Yang Gong after a long meeting with Qian Long. He sighed wearily. He knew now that his prospects of having sons had considerably improved, Qian Long was measuring him up to be Crown Prince again. Of course, Yong Qi knew this time he was being measured against Yong Zhang. As Yong Zhang so aptly put it, this was yet another competition they weren't having but one of them would end up winning anyway. Quite frankly, Yong Qi thought Yong Zhang would make a much better winner in this competition than he did. He had every skill that Yong Qi did, and then some, and he was older. Yong Qi knew that Qian Long knew very well, that even married to Xiao Yan Zi, or especially being married to Xiao Yan Zi, Yong Qi would never want to win this competition. So Yong Qi had hardly any doubt who Qian Long would chose as Crown Prince in the end anyway. That is, if the emperor could get over the fact that Yong Zhang had no plan to marry any time in the near future.

Yong Qi stepped into the main room of Jing Yang Gong to find Xiao Yan Zi curled up in a chair, fast asleep. At this hour? Yong Qi found himself wondering, glancing at the sun that was shining brightly in the room through the windows. Shaking his head in confusion, he approached her gently and shook her awake.

Xiao Yan Zi's eyes sprang open and she looked around her confusedly. She smiled wearily when she met Yong Qi's enquiring eyes.

"Did I fall asleep?"

"Yes. What's wrong? I didn't think it was possible to sleep when it's that bright in the room."

Xiao Yan Zi yawned. "I don't know. I just feel so tired lately and so sleepy all the time all of the sudden."

Yong Qi leaned over and placed a kiss on her forehead. Xiao Yan Zi rolled her eyes at his obvious attempt to check for a fever. "Are you sure you're not coming down with something? Should I get someone to call for Tai yi?"

Xiao Yan Zi's reaction to this simple suggestion completely took Yong Qi off guard. "No!" she exclaimed furiously, springing up from her chair, pushing Yong Qi away and glaring at him. Yong Qi looked back at her in astonishment. "No! I don't want to see Tai yi! I don't!"

Yong Qi looked at Xiao Yan Zi, feeling totally confused at why suddenly she just lost her temper like that. "It's just a suggestion, Xiao Yan Zi. If you're not feeling well, you should see Tai yi but if you think not then - "

Another suggestion of seeing Tai yi was obviously not the wise thing to say. "I said no, Yong Qi! Seeing Tai yi would only make people bandy around that maybe I'm just feinting to get attention! I've had enough of gossip about me to last me a life time, thanks to you!"

With that, Xiao Yan Zi stormed away from Yong Qi and into her room, slamming the door after her, leaving Yong Qi totally bewildered at what just happened.

"What on earth just happened?" a voice asked behind him.

Mei Ru and Zi Wei had just arrived to see Xiao Yan Zi storm out of the room. Mei Ru having came from seeing her family and Zi Wei arriving to see Xiao Yan Zi.

"I have absolutely no idea," Yong Qi said wearily. "I came home to find her asleep, and she said she hadn't been feeling well lately. All I did was saying she should see Tai yi, and she completely threw a tantrum!"

"She hasn't been feeling well?" Zi Wei asked thoughtfully.

"Well, I did notice she was looking a bit tired lately," Mei Ru said worriedly. "And a bit temperamental, too, now that you've mentioned it."

Zi Wei let out a chuckle, a reaction that neither Yong Qi nor Mei Ru expected from her.

"Oh, I don't think there's that much wrong with her. But I'll call for Tai yi just to be sure, Yong Qi. And if I were you, I'd go in and see her now. Mei Ru and I will make sure Tai yi gets here," Zi Wei said with a knowing grin on her face that frankly confused and annoyed Yong Qi.

"Are you kidding? See her when she's in that mood? Zi Wei, you know every time she gets like that, we get into a row," Yong Qi said.

"Oh, I don't think she'd be angry anymore. You did say she was being temperamental. In fact, I'll bet you anything she's anything but angry right now," Zi Wei said, the completely annoying smirk still on her face.

Yong Qi stared at Zi Wei enjoying her private joke for a moment, before taking her advice and went into Xiao Yan Zi's room.

Well, as much as Yong Qi hated to admit it, Zi Wei was right. Xiao Yan Zi was apparently done with being angry. In fact, the sight that met Yong Qi's eyes was more confusing and harder to deal with than if she had still been in a rage. Xiao Yan Zi was sitting on the bed, completely dissolved in tears. Yong Qi had never seen Xiao Yan Zi cry that hard before and the fact that she was doing that now shocked him, made him wonder more what on earth could be wrong with her.

Yong Qi rushed over and sat down next to Xiao Yan Zi, putting his arms around her shoulders, a gesture which, if that was even possible, made Xiao Yan Zi cry even harder.

"Xiao Yan Zi, love, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" Yong Qi asked, wondering if he should panic.

"You don't love me anymore," Xiao Yan Zi wailed, bewildering Yong Qi even further. Where on earth did that come from?

"Xiao Yan Zi," Yong Qi said gently, "how could you possibly have come to that conclusion? What did I do? Xiao Yan Zi, how could I possibly not love you, even if I tried?"

"I shouted at you, and you're probably regretting you ever when through all that trouble to marry me now," Xiao Yan Zi sobbed.

Yong Qi stared at her uncharacteristic behaviour for a moment, then pulled her into his arms, placing a kiss on her forehead. "I think you've shouted pretty worst things at me in the past, Xiao Yan Zi, and I love you! Xiao Yan Zi, know this, I will never ever regret knowing you, loving your or marrying you. Not now, not ever."

"But - " Xiao Yan Zi lifted her tearstained face to look at him.

"But what?" Yong Qi asked gently, taking her cheeks into his hands, gazing into her eyes.

The tenderness made Xiao Yan Zi rest her body helplessly against him, she buried her face in his chest and mumbled, "I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I just..." Just like that, Xiao Yan Zi shook with sobs again.

Yong Qi just held her to him and stroked her hair, all the while wondering what could possibly had made her act so odd of all the sudden.

* * *

Left with Mei Ru, Zi Wei quickly ordered Tai yi to be called. She turned back to Mei Ru to find the other looking at her with an odd look. Zi Wei smiled and asked, "What?"

"Are you going to let me know what you obviously find so amusing about this situation?"

Zi Wei laughed. "Well, if I suspect correctly, and Xiao Yan Zi's mood swings don't get better, Yong Qi's in for a rough nine months. Well, it wouldn't be exactly nine months anymore now, of course. Depends on how long it's been, I guess."

There was a moment when Mei Ru was just stared at Zi Wei. Then, "Nine months? You think she's pregnant?"

"Well, from what Yong Qi's just described, it sounds like it. Falling asleep in the middle of the day, mood swings, feeling off-colour."

"Oh," was all that Mei Ru said.

Zi Wei looked curiously at Mei Ru for a moment, then asked, "Are you OK with this?"

"OK with this? Zi Wei, what makes you think that I'm not? It's not as if I ever had any desire to have Yong Qi's child nor I ever will."

"Well, I just - I mean..." Zi Wei trailed off, not really knowing what she was going to say. She looked closely at Mei Ru's unfathomable face for a moment. "But you must once had dreamt of a happier life than you have now, mustn't you?"

Mei Ru blinked at the question. She had never talked about what happened in her past, before she married Yong Qi, to anyone but him. She knew that Er Kang, Zi Wei and Xiao Yan Zi all knew some details of her history, and she was fine with that fact. But none of them had ever mentioned it to her before. "Yes," Mei Ru said finally after a long pause, quietly. "But I am quite resigned to the fact that I cannot have everything I've ever dreamt of. I am...not unhappy with my life, Zi Wei."

Mei Ru turned away from Zi Wei, knowing whatever expression Zi Wei had on her face, it wouldn't be one that she would want to see.

* * *

Tai yi did come to see Xiao Yan Zi and confirmed what Zi Wei had suspected - that Xiao Yan Zi was expecting a child in eight months.

As soon as Tai yi had finished his speech on the care Xiao Yan Zi must take in her pregnancy and closed the door behind him, Yong Qi swept Xiao Yan Zi into his arms, swinging her around, making her giggle, regardless of her earlier tears.

He gingerly set her down on her feet with the silliest grin she had ever seen from him on his face. Xiao Yan Zi smiled back happily, wound her arms around his neck, and said, "Well?"

"I think this is the greatest news I've heard in a long time. I think it has left me quite speechless," Yong Qi said, in between dropping kisses on her lips.

"You're talking too much to be speechless," Xiao Yan Zi pointed out.

"It's a figure of _speech_," Yong Qi said with a smirk, before Xiao Yan Zi rendered him really speechless by kissing him passionately.

"I love you," Xiao Yan Zi whispered against his lips.

"I know." Yong Qi smiled, took her hands from his neck and kissed them. "I love you too." Then he chuckled and brushed his lips against the tip of her nose. "Though I do think if your are going to through that bad a case of mood swing the for the rest of the next eight months, I might have gone crazy by the end of it."

Xiao Yan Zi pouted and gave him a mock glare. Yong Qi could only grin at the look on her face, pull her into his arms, and kiss her lips again. It suffices to say it was a while before they left the room for a (late) lunch.

* * *

_Three months later_

Xiao Yan Zi was in a bad mood. Yong Qi had been gone all day; he'd left before she even awoke. She knew that Qian Long only gave Yong Qi so much work because he trusted Yong Qi so much and held his abilities in high esteem. But that didn't stop her from being annoyed. At Qian Long and Yong Qi.

She wandered out into the garden and sighed. There was nothing interesting in the palace lately. Zi Wei and Qing Er were always busy with their children. No one ever comes and see her and she of course, was forbidden to even take a walk around the palace to see anyone unescorted. Normally, she would have had Mei Ru to keep her company, but that day, Mei Ru had gone to see her sister, who just had a baby, herself. That morning, when Mei Ru left, Xiao Yan Zi had told her she would be all right alone. It would be rather pathetic if she couldn't amuse herself for a day. Yet it turned out that she couldn't. And to put it plainly, Xiao Yan Zi was bored. To death.

She heard the announcement for his return but didn't turn back into the house. What would be the use, anyway? He would be working soon enough.

She got even more annoyed when for a long moment, Yong Qi didn't come looking for her. He couldn't have missed the fact she was not in the house. He should be out here by now, pulling her in and fussing over her. So where on earth was he?

At last, after what seemed like hours, Xiao Yan Zi heard footsteps behind her. She didn't turn around.

"Xiao Yan Zi, what are you out here alone and without a cloak on? It's cold out here," Yong Qi took her by the shoulders and said to her worriedly. However, Yong Qi was feeling rather weary from a long day himself, and he sounded, to Xiao Yan Zi, more exasperated than worried. And this didn't make her happy at all. Quite the contrary.

"I was bored. Just wanted to get a bit of fresh air," Xiao Yan Zi mumbled.

"That's fine," Yong Qi sighed. "But you should have a cloak on. It's cold here and you could catch a cold. It wouldn't be good for the baby. Come on, come inside."

"No, I want to stay out here," Xiao Yan Zi said through a pout. She wasn't even sure why she was being stubborn.

"But, Xiao Yan Zi, it's cold here. You're going to get sick. Come on, the baby's cold, right, honey?" Yong Qi tried to joke, talking to her stomach.

"Stop fussing, Yong Qi, I'm fine," Xiao Yan Zi raised her voice. She didn't know why she was so annoyed. She was just hoping for him to fuss over her just now, wasn't she?

"I'm not fussing, I'm worried about you, is that a crime now?" Yong Qi said somewhat heatedly, feeling annoyed himself at how his wife was not co-operating. His temper was a bit short to begin with, after the long day, and her stubbornness was not helping.

"Stop treating me like a child, Yong Qi, I can take care of myself without having you or anyone telling me what to do," Xiao Yan Zi shouted.

"Well, you have a funny way of showing it," Yong Qi snapped back. Immediately, he felt guilty for being angry at her. He took a deep breath and tried to put his arms around her. "Come on, let's go in, shall we?"

"Leave me alone," Xiao Yan Zi pushed him away.

"Look, now you're just being plain unreasonable." Yong Qi looked at her, hurt filling his voice.

"I'm unreasonable, am I? Fine, so I am. Just leave me alone, Wu Ah Ge," Xiao Yan Zi spat.

Yong Qi glared angrily at her and stormed back into the house. Immediately as he reached his study, he felt guilty and wanted to come out to pull her back into the house. She'd get sick out there, he thought. But she wasn't listening to him, and it was only going to make the fight worse. Moreover, his pride was seriously stopping him from backing down when she was clearly the one being so unreasonable. As he was struggling with his feelings, a voice said to his left:

"Well, that went well didn't it?" Mei Ru said sarcastically.

"Did you just get home?" Yong Qi asked wearily.

"Yes, I went to see my sister. I kind of heard some of your fight," Mei Ru said sheepishly.

Yong Qi sighed. "I don't know what's wrong with her."

"You mean aside from being pregnant? Yong Qi, you know she's just being temperamental. As usual."

"It seems like she picks a fight with me every time she sees me," Yong Qi said in frustration.

"I'm sorry. She's taking her frustration out on you because you're so readily available. Don't take it too personally," Mei Ru shrugged with a smile.

"It's pretty hard not to when she's shouting at you," Yong Qi grumbled.

Mei Ru smiled even wider. "Well, look at it from her perspective. I think I've seen enough of pregnancy from Qing Er, Zi Wei and now Xiao Yan Zi to realise that it's not exactly the most comfortable of position. You said yourself she hasn't been sleeping well, and as far as Xiao Yan Zi's concerned, it's your fault. So she just lashes out at you. But you know she loves you, right?" Mei Ru patted his hand.

At the reminder, Yong Qi smiled, "Yes, I do."

* * *

Xiao Yan Zi felt like crying. She didn't know why she was acting like that towards Yong Qi. It just seemed like she shouted at him every time she saw him. But Xiao Yan Zi couldn't help it. It frustrated her to be cooped up in the house and it didn't help that Yong Qi was always there. But Xiao Yan Zi knew why she fought so much with Yong Qi these days. She could always count on him to love her despite everything she said and rely on him to smother her with love as soon as he got over the anger.

Xiao Yan Zi sighed. She should probably go back and apologise to him. She was being a bit unfair. After all, he was just worried about her.

Putting a smile on her face, Xiao Yan Zi turned back into the house and entered the study. Seeing the scene before her, however, the smile melted off Xiao Yan Zi's face immediately. There was Yong Qi, smiling at Mei Ru, and Mei Ru was holding his hand. They both looked amused at something.

* * *

A gasp from the doorway made Yong Qi and Mei Ru turn. Xiao Yan Zi was standing there, close to tears, looking at Yong Qi with eyes full of hurt.

"I can't believe you'd do this to me!' she said through tears.

"Do what?" Yong Qi frowned, completely confused as to what Xiao Yan Zi was talking about. Mei Ru's expression, however, changed to worry. She was begging to see what Xiao Yan Zi was seeing.

"You – and – and – her!" Xiao Yan Zi shouted at him.

Yong Qi stared at her, feeling even more bewildered, hardly knowing what to think. Mei Ru stepped up and tried to take Xiao Yan Zi's hand but she jerked it away.

"Xiao Yan Zi, it's not like that. It's not what you think," Mei Ru tried to explain.

"No? Oh of course, you just happened to be holding his hand, and your faces just happened to be this," she held her thumb close to her index finger, "far apart."

What so bothered Xiao Yan Zi finally dawned on Yong Qi and he gave a small chuckle, which apparently was the wrong thing to do as Xiao Yan Zi flashed him a furious glare. Yong Qi shook his head and tried to explain, "Xiao Yan Zi, stop exaggerating! Nothing was going on. Mei Ru and I were just talking."

"Oh yes, talking. Of course. I'm not stupid, Yong Qi," Xiao Yan Zi said, eyes brimming with tears.

"Xiao Yan Zi, you can't think Yong Qi would do something like that to you," Mei Ru protested earnestly. "He loves you, Xiao Yan Zi. And I – I wouldn't…"

"Why wouldn't you? It's not as if it's illegal, considering you are married!" Xiao Yan Zi shouted.

"Xiao Yan Zi, stop being unreasonable. There's nothing between me and Mei Ru. Stop jumping to conclusions," Yong Qi said, feeling a bit annoyed now at her insistence that he would hurt her like that. Mei Ru shot him a warning look.

"Jumping to conclusion? Unreasonable? Of course, I'm unreasonable in seeing that my husband is being unfaithful." Yong Qi made a noise in protest but couldn't get a word in. "I thought I could trust you. Both of you! But of course, now that I'm fat and ugly, you go looking at other women, like they all do," Xiao Yan Zi said bitterly.

Yong Qi grabbed her shoulders and pulled her to him. "You are carrying my child, Xiao Yan Zi. There is no way I could see you as anything other than beautiful," Yong Qi said earnestly, looking straight into her eyes. For a moment, Xiao Yan Zi thought she'd yield. But no, she would not. She wouldn't succumb to his sweet-talking.

"Stop trying to sweet-talk me, it's not going to work. Let go of me!" She shouted, and went to the bedroom slamming the door behind her.

Yong Qi stared after her, feeling his whole body tremble with hurt and anger that Xiao Yan Zi would suspect something like that of him, especially when he had given her no reason to do so.

"I'm sorry," Mei Ru said, sighing.

"It's not your fault. I can't believe Xiao Yan Zi would be so – " Yong Qi let out a frustrated growl, pacing around the room.

"It's not her fault," Mei Ru said quietly.

"Why does she have to so damn – "

"Oh, Yong Qi. You can hardly blame her. She'd had her heart broken before, she's just insecure," Mei Ru said softly.

"Ming Zhu Ge Ge arrives," came the announcement from outside.

Zi Wei entered the room and took in the scowl on Yong Qi's face and Mei Ru's worried expression. "What's going on? Where's Xiao Yan Zi?"

Yong Qi looked away, gritting his teeth to stop himself from saying something harsh. Mei Ru sighed and looked wearily at Zi Wei.

"Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi just had a fight," she stated simply, not really wanting to mention that it was over her.

"Oh Yong Qi, can't you cut her a bit of slack? She's having a hard time," Zi Wei said, sighing. The mild reproachful tone was not making Yong Qi feel any better about the situation.

"Cut her a bit of slack? What do you think I've been doing?" Yong Qi grumbled.

"It's not their fault," Mei Ru sighed. "It's more like mine. I should know better than – well – "

"You didn't do anything except pat my hand. Is that illegal now?" Yong Qi protested.

"What?" Zi Wei said in confusion.

"Well, Xiao Yan Zi was in a bad mood and Yong Qi and I were talking," Mei Ru explained. "I just happened to reach over to pat his hand and Xiao Yan Zi walked in – kind of getting the wrong impression."

Yong Qi's expression darkened, still hurt at Xiao Yan Zi's accusation.

"Oh dear," Zi Wei shook her head. "I guess Xiao Yan Zi's just a bit sensitive nowadays isn't she? Listen, I'll go speak to her."

"Better you than me," Yong Qi muttered darkly.

* * *

Xiao Yan Zi slammed the bedroom door behind her. Her stomach hurt. At first, Xiao Yan Zi thought it was just the baby kicking, but when the pain stayed and didn't subside for a long time, Xiao Yan Zi became worried. Was anything wrong with her? Maybe she should –

But the pain went. Xiao Yan Zi calmed a bit. It was probably nothing.

Xiao Yan Zi dropped into a chair, only to spring up and walk around the room. All she could think about then was the sight that met her eyes when she entered the study. She didn't know if she really believed that Yong Qi was really turning away from her and to Mei Ru now that she was pregnant. All Xiao Yan Zi knew then was the sight of Yong Qi hand in hand with another woman, Mei Ru, of all women, was more than she could bear.

An eunuch announced the arrival of Zi Wei. _Good, I need someone to talk to,_ she thought. She continued to pace agitatedly around the room, shooting looks at the door as she waited for Zi Wei to come in to her.

"Are you all right?" Zi Wei asked as she came into the room a moment later.

"Fine," Xiao Yan Zi said sullenly.

"Xiao Yan Zi..." Zi Wei began.

"If you're here to tell me to apologise, don't," Xiao Yan Zi snapped.

"Don't you think you're being a bit harsh on Yong Qi?" Zi Wei said reasonably. Xiao Yan Zi bit back a retort. She didn't need Zi Wei to be reasonable! She needed for Zi Wei to sit and listen to her rant off her feelings. She let out a harsh breath.

"No," Xiao Yan Zi said, tears springing into her eyes. "He probably doesn't love me anymore, anyway."

Zi Wei shook her head and sat Xiao Yan Zi down on the bed, taking her hand, and said gently, "You're carrying his child, how could he not love you?"

"Because I'm fat and ugly," Xiao Yan Zi stated. The words tasted bitter on her tongue. All she knew then was that she had next to nothing to recommend herself to Yong Qi's love, except her looks. Not like Mei Ru, at least, who was pretty, intelligent, educated, and high-born.

"Xiao Yan Zi…" Zi Wei looked directly at Xiao Yan Zi, and seemed to understand what was going on in Xiao Yan Zi's head. "Yong Qi's love for you goes so much deeper than a physical attraction, you know. He could have any pretty girl he wants, but he insisted on loving you. And I know you know he loves you, Xiao Yan Zi. You couldn't possibly not know that, after everything he went through for you."

Xiao Yan Zi didn't answer but tried to stand up to walk around. As she did, a sharp pain appeared in her abdomen again, and this time it didn't go away. Xiao Yan Zi reached out for something to hold on. Zi Wei rushed to support her, gripping her arm. Xiao Yan Zi clutched at her stomach, her face twisted in pain.

"Xiao Yan Zi, Xiao Yan Zi, are you all right?"

"It hurts," Xiao Yan Zi managed to breath.

"Hurts? Oh Heaven. Xiao Gui Zi, Xiao Shun Zi," Zi Wei called. "Call for Tai yi."

* * *

In the study, Yong Qi and Mei Ru heard Zi Wei's frantic call for Tai yi and immediately became worried. Yong Qi sprang to his feet and rushed inside the bedroom. Zi Wei still holding on to Xiao Yan Zi. Yong Qi took one look at his wife's pained face and felt his heart twisting with guilt. He knew their fight was part of what was causing her pain. He came over and swept her into his arms, taking her to the bed.

As he laid her down of the bed, he pressed his lips to her sweaty forehead. Pushing aside her fringe, he felt for a fever, and found none. Xiao Yan Zi was looking determinedly at the wall. Yong Qi's heart fell.

"Xiao Yan Zi, please look at me," he said to her tenderly.

Xiao Yan Zi continued to stare stonily at the wall.

Yong Qi sighed and picked up her hand, turning it over and flattened out her palm. He pressed it to his heart. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to her temple.

Mei Ru and Zi Wei looked at each other and sighed. They knew they couldn't interfere in this and only they could work it out for themselves.

At that moment, Hu Tai yi arrived. He examined Xiao Yan Zi thoroughly and asked questions about whether Xiao Yan Zi had been feeling well and had been in a good mood lately.

"Is the child all right?" after Hu Tai yi had finished the examination, Xiao Yan Zi asked fearfully.

"Replying Fu Jin, for the moment, Fu Jin is in no danger, nor is the child. However, I would advise Fu Jin not to upset yourself and refrain from any emotional distress after this. Also you should take this prescribed medicine immediately, and for the next three days after breakfast."

Zi Wei, Mei Ru and the servants led Hu Tai yi out the door to leave the couple alone.

"Xiao Yan Zi, I really have nothing to say regarding your suspicion of Mei Ru and me. I can only tell you how much I love you," he told her kindly.

Xiao Yan Zi still refused to look at him. Yong Qi let out a frustrated breath.

"Xiao Yan Zi, I love you so much!" he said passionately. "What do I have to do to prove that? In my heart, there is only you, was only you and will always be only you! No one else! Not Mei Ru, not anyone! _Ever_!"

At this, Xiao Yan Zi threw her arms around Yong Qi, and buried her face in his chest. Her whole body shook as she held on to him, savouring the reassuring pressure and warmth of his arms around her.

"I'm sorry!" she cried. "I just don't know what is wrong with me lately. I just feel like shouting at you every time I see you. I'm so sorry! I really didn't mean to say all that. I just – "

Yong Qi pressed her closer to him, stroking her hair. Then, holding her at arms' length, he stroked her cheek and said tenderly, "Darling, I understand. I know you're frustrated and bored here. I'm sorry I haven't spent time with you lately. I'll tell you what, I'll see Huang Ah Ma tomorrow and ask him for a bit of a break, all right?"

"No, you can't do that. Huang Ah Ma depends on you and – "

"I don't think the country will suffer too much without me for a couple of months," Yong Qi said with a smile. "There's plenty of other capable officials to take over me. I'll just ask Huang Ah Ma for a break, to be with you until the baby's born, all right? I know I've been neglecting you and I'm sorry. You need me now, more than China does. The empire's got other men to do my jobs, but you only have me to be your husband. Who will look after you if I don't?"

Xiao Yan Zi smiled back, feeling all the insecurity leave her with each of his word. "I love you," she whispered.

"I know. I love you." He leaned in to caress her lips with his in a tender, loving kiss. As they broke apart, he brushed her tears away. "Stop crying. Didn't Tai yi just say to refrain from emotional distress?"

"I'm not distressed. I'm happy," she said with a small smile.

"And why is that, I wonder?" Yong Qi grinned at her, brushing the tip of her nose with a kiss.

"Because I have a perfect husband who loves me very very much," Xiao Yan Zi said tenderly.

"Very much indeed," Yong Qi smiled, kissing her again.

There was a knock on the door and Mei Ru came in with a steaming bowl of medicine.

"You'll need to take this immediately," she told Xiao Yan Zi. A small hopeful smile appeared on her lips as she looked at Xiao Yan Zi tentatively.

"Mei Ru, I'm sorry I accused you of such thing. I really don't know what I was thinking. I'm sorry, I really didn't mean – "

Mei Ru took her hand and just looked at Xiao Yan Zi for a moment. Then, with an uncharacteristically cheeky smirk, she said, "Xiao Yan Zi, it's all right. I know. I guess it just teaches me never to pat Yong Qi's hand again, doesn't it?"

"Mei Ru!" Xiao Yan Zi laughed once she got over the shock of realising that Mei Ru was teasing her.

As Mei Ru exited the room, Yong Qi took the steaming bowl and started to feed Xiao Yan Zi.

"It's bitter, I can smell it," Xiao Yan Zi wrinkled her nose.

"I know, sweetheart, but you've got to take it. For the baby."

Yong Qi blew on a spoonful of medicine and put it to Xiao Yan Zi's lips. She grimaced as she tasted it.

"Don't spit it out," Yong Qi warned.

Xiao Yan Zi made a face at him as she swallowed with difficulty.

"Water?" Yong Qi asked.

"No, if I take any water, I'll wash the bitterness off and it'll be more bitter for the next spoon," Xiao Yan Zi grimaced.

"Maybe this will make it better." Yong Qi sipped some of the medicine in his mouth and moved closer to Xiao Yan Zi and kissed her. Once their lips made contact, he parted his lips to let the liquid flow into her mouth. They both nearly choked from the bitterness of the medicine mixed with the sweetness of the kiss.

"That was nice, but I think a few more times and I'll probably choke to death," Xiao Yan Zi said, coughing and spluttering.

After a long time, Xiao Yan Zi did manage to finish the whole bowl of medicine. Yong Qi climbed onto the bed with her and pressed his lips against her neck.

"I love you so much," he murmured against her skin.

Xiao Yan Zi leaned back totally into his arms. The warmth of the embrace filled her body as she closed her eyes lazily, feeling thoroughly happy and delirious. "Hmm…what did I do to deserve you?"

"That should be my line, I think," Yong Qi told her. He placed his hand on her stomach, and stroked her. At one point, Xiao Yan Zi winced. Yong Qi looked at her worriedly, but she smiled.

"It's nothing. Just our little boy kicking me."

"Really? And it's a girl, my love," Yong Qi said conversationally while kissing the nape of her neck.

"How would you know? I'm his mother, and I say it's a boy," Xiao Yan Zi pouted.

"And I know it's a girl," Yong Qi grinned. "We're going to have a beautiful little girl who will be just as wonderful and beautiful and mischievous as her mother. And no young man will ever be good enough for her."

Xiao Yan Zi giggled. "Getting a little ahead of yourself?"

"Yeah," Yong Qi kissed her cheek.

"You know, if I give you a girl, you're going to spoil her rotten," Xiao Yan Zi murmured.

"Yeah, like Huang Ah Ma does you," Yong Qi teased. Xiao Yan Zi elbowed him but then turned around and kissed him fully on the mouth.

* * *

_The following night_

Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi were taking a walk in the small garden behind Jing Yang Gong. Yong Qi had his arm wrapped around her waist, supporting her.

"Are you cold?" Yong Qi whispered in her ear, conveniently kissing her neck at the same time.

"Not this close to you, no," Xiao Yan Zi said, but she shivered at the light touch of his lips on her skin. She snuggled closer into Yong Qi's arms and sighed. "I love these times when it's just us two together."

"You mean three," Yong Qi told her, pulling her closer to him.

There was a comforting silence when they stood, arm in arm, inhaling the fresh air of the garden around them.

"Are you happy, Yong Qi?" Xiao Yan Zi asked softly, entwining her fingers into his. She felt the need for conversation as she could feel his even breaths against her neck, and they were sufficiently making her feel light-headed.

"Yes. I have you, your love. That's all I need," Yong Qi said with all his sincerity. "And this little one makes it all even better," he added with a smile, stroking her stomach lightly.

Xiao Yan Zi was silent for a moment. Then she sighed again. "But...there is still Mei Ru. Trust me, I know there's nothing romantic between you...but I can't help but feel guilty. I - we are happy...and she could never have a chance at the same happiness..."

"You know, Mei Ru once said to me that we should both be grateful that we married each other, since neither of us had any desire to be in this marriage, and we could sufficiently ignore each other. Now, I wonder if the fact that this mutual lack of love is giving her more time to dwell on what she could have had. If it's only reminding her of what she lost more," Yong Qi said jadedly.

"And I'm worried about her." Xiao Yan Zi turned around and faced Yong Qi. "Mei Ru would probably say I should worry about myself, but how could she be here and watch our happiness like this? I just have a feeling that maybe one day it might become too much. I know the pain is there, deep in her heart. She tries to bury it away, but...what if one day she can't hold it back?"

"I don't know," Yong Qi said quietly.

Somehow, thinking of Mei Ru made Xiao Yan Zi's mind wander to Yong Zhang. She couldn't say that Yong Zhang was avoiding her. Not really. He just didn't come to Jing Yang Gong often anymore. If they happened to run to each around the palace (an unlikely event now, anyway, considering Xiao Yan Zi hardly went out of Jing Yang Gong anymore), he would be...Xiao Yan Zi didn't know how to explain how he treated her. 'Civil' sounded a bit cold and aloof, but it couldn't be called 'friendly' either. It was more like a mixture of longing and reservation.

It was as if Yong Qi read Xiao Yan Zi's mind. "You know, Yong Zhang is contemplating going back to England," Yong Qi told her.

Xiao Yan Zi was silent following this news. She sighed. She and Yong Qi did not talk much about Yong Zhang nowadays, considering he was not exactly a comfortable topic of conversation, and she knew they were not comfortable talking to each other about her either.

"Because…of us?" Xiao Yan Zi asked quietly after a while.

"I – I actually asked him that, quite bluntly, actually. Apparently it's become rather obvious to Yong Zhang why Huang Ah Ma called him back to China in the first place, to consider him for the Crown Prince position and it looks like Yong Zhang doesn't want it, mostly because of the pressure the position would put on him to marry and settle in China. I don't think he's quite…willing to do that right now. But yes, the main reason is that he thinks he will cope with the…situation better away from both of us," Yong Qi said slowly.

"What does Huang Ah Ma say to this?"

"I think Huang Ah Ma is rather reluctant to let him go again, not just for the Crown Prince position. I mean, Huang Ah Ma's got rather a lot of choices for that. It's rather that Yong Zhang has always been one of Huang Ah Ma's favourites, you know, and letting him go off so far away…Huang Ah Ma was never keen on it to begin with. But…Yong Zhang had managed to convince Huang Ah Ma once, I think he will do it again. Anyway, even before all this, Yong Zhang was never really born to stay put in the palace…he always wanted to travel…"

Xiao Yan Zi looked at him and saw that he had pursed his lips in concentration with a far-off look in his eyes. She sighed. "We promised not to feel guilty, Yong Qi." She wondered if she said this for Yong Qi's benefit or for her own.

"I know," Yong Qi said. "And I don't. I don't feel guilty for loving you. I don't regret falling in love with you, or anything that happened between us. I just regret that it would hurt Yong Zhang like this."

"I'm sorrier that I came between you and Yong Zhang," Xiao Yan Zi said quietly. "That it's because of me that you can't be as close as you once were."

Yong Qi was quiet for a moment. Then he said, "I wonder though, even if all of this between you, me, and him didn't happen, whether he and I would still be as close as we were when he left all those years ago. The thing is…he'd been away for so long before, that when he came back, ten years later, we thought we could pick up our relationship, our friendship where we left it when he departed. But it doesn't work like that, simply because we're not teenagers anymore. Life has become a much bigger thing. We both changed, we grew up and matured. Our relationship has changed. I mean, certainly, the bond is still there, and I still love him as I once did. But our lives are as simple as they once were, and after such a long time apart, it would take time and total willingness to open up to each other for us to be able to tell each other everything as we did then. Even then, I think now that we've both experienced more of life, our different characters are only emphasised more. Yong Zhang tends to … distrust his own emotions and firmly believes that he should never let emotions get in the way of reason. Of course, that's not so much who is he is but more like something that's been drilled into his, my, and all our brothers' heads since childhood. Whereas I…well, Huang Ah Ma would say I depend too much on my emotions."

"So," Xiao Yan Zi said slowly, "when you said he was 'contemplating' going back to England, is that as in it's definite and he's persuading Huang Ah Ma to let him go?"

"Pretty much," Yong Qi sighed heavily. "I will miss him. But he'd been away for so long that for all the time he'd been home, it's quite strange to have him back again. But I think…right now, it will do more harm to both him and me and our relationship for him to stay."

* * *

Yong Zhang and Yong Qi stopped in front of the carriage that would carry Yong Zhang to the sea's coast to begin his journey to England.

Yong Zhang turned to face his brother. "Yong Qi, let's just say that when I came home, things happened a little more dramatic than I expected and in a way, everything took me by surprise. I can still hardly grasp it…but I just want to say, if I ever said anything that offended you, I'm sorry."

Yong Qi raised an eyebrow at him. "Don't you think that's a bit too formal? And I hardly imagine you said anything that I didn't deserve. Besides, if anyone should be sorry, it should be me. I was foolish enough to hurt you, hurt us all like that…You said things took you by surprise, they took me even more off guard. It's like mockery from Heaven, really..." He trailed off with an sigh and apologetic look at Yong Zhang.

"That the first real conflict we have between us should be over a woman?" Yong Zhang asked, a wry smile on his face. "Honestly? I am not so blind as not to see that she is happier with you than she was with me. I will forgive you for hurting me more than I could ever imagine being hurt if you promise me something."

"What?"

"Take care of her. Love her."

"You hardly need to ask me to promise that, Yong Zhang, because I will," Yong Qi said with a small smile.

"And, Yong Qi, if you ever hurt her, if you ever break her heart, trust me, brother or not, I will make sure you regret it."

"Yong Zhang, in that very unlikely event, somehow I don't think it will ever come to your turn as there will be rather many others out for my blood, the first ones that come to mind are Zi Wei and Xiao Jian." Yong Qi paused for a moment, then he looked at Yong Zhang and said sincerely, "Though, Yong Zhang, I owe you one."

Yong Zhang smiled. "Yeah, you do. But I think you've started to repay me by bearing the Crown Prince position in full for me."

Yong Qi grimaced. "Yes, don't remind me. I'm still hoping desperately against hope that Huang Ah Ma will change his mind soon."

"I don't," Yong Zhang shrugged. "Yong Qi, has it ever actually these occurred to you that Huang Ah Ma might be making a very wise decision in considering you for the position?"

Yong Qi stared at him. "And that is coming from the one who flatly refused the position when Huang Ah Ma offered it?"

"For a third of my life, I haven't even been living in China, Yong Qi," Yong Zhang pointed out. The two of them stood in silent for a moment. "I will miss home, you know," Yong Zhang said, looking around him. "You'd think after all years I won't so much consider the palace home any more, but it still is. And I will miss it. I'll miss you."

"You don't have to leave, you know," Yong Qi said quietly.

"No, I do. It's not even about you, about us, about Xiao Yan Zi. It's me…if I'm here, I miss being out there. Here, I feel…"

"Stifled?"

"Yes."

Yong Qi nodded.

They stood like that for a moment. Then Yong Zhang took Yong Qi's shoulders and pulled him into a brotherly embrace. Then, releasing him, with a last smile and a clap on the shoulder, Yong Zhang stepped into the carriage, leaving Yong Qi to watch it drive away.

* * *

Yong Zhang knew that in essential, he was running away. But he knew the only way his heartbreak over Xiao Yan Zi would fade would be a lot of time, and things to distract him. Staying in China would mean his having to face Xiao Yan Zi too often, and being reminded too often of what happened. Leaving would give him the time and space he needed, and perhaps later, he could return and face both Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi without feeling pain.

Yong Zhang knew his life was never meant to be tied down, that he didn't have the temperament to be heir to the throne. He would have stayed back in China for Xiao Yan Zi. Now, without Xiao Yan Zi to hold him back, Yong Zhang felt the longing to travel calling him to fly free of the smothering attachments of the Chinese court.

He did not think that there will be anyone in the world to take his heart like Xiao Yan Zi did. But he also knew his chances with Xiao Yan Zi were over. He knew she would be happy with Yong Qi, and that, if he himself could not take care of her for life, he could never choose better for her than putting her happiness in Yong Qi's hands. Yong Zhang knew couldn't keep on hoping or wishing for a life with Xiao Yan Zi. The only thing he could do now was to try to forget her. Perhaps…if he was lucky, perhaps, if Heaven was willing, he might be able to meet someone else. Perhaps he would not feel as strongly as he felt for Xiao Yan Zi again, but it didn't mean all his chances for happiness were gone. It was all perhaps now, for Yong Zhang. What would that perhaps bring, only time will tell, and Yong Zhang could only wait. Wait, away from China, away from painful reminders, away from Yong Qi, away from her.

* * *

"You know, Yong Qi, now that San Ah Ge is no longer available, Huang Ah Ma is going to almost definitely appoint you as Crown Prince," Er Kang said to Yong Qi the day after Yong Zhang left. "I think Huang Ah Ma must only be waiting for you to have a son."

Xiao Yan Zi squirmed a bit uncomfortably. Er Kang and Zi Wei were having lunch with Yong Qi, Xiao Yan Zi and Mei Ru at Jing Yang Gong.

"I hope the baby's a girl then," Yong Qi said.

"Honestly, do you really not want the position that badly?" Er Kang asked incredulously.

Yong Qi sighed exasperatedly and looked at his friend. "Do I look so much like someone who could become an emperor?"

There was a small pause when no one answered him. Mei Ru and Xiao Yan Zi exchanged a look of understanding. Then, Zi Wei spoke up. "Yes, yes, yes, you do. You don't realise it, or refuse to realise it, Yong Qi, but even measured up against San Ah Ge, you are certainly the better candidate. You've lived among the people and seen so much of their lives. All your time spent outside the palace means that you will take your personal experience and use it to help fulfil the people's needs."

"I don't want to be emperor," Yong Qi said heavily. "All the problems in court are always somehow caused by the emperor. If it comes down to it, I will _tell_ Huang Ah Ma I don't want the position."

"You know, if you don't end up succeeding Huang Ah Ma, I won't regret it on your behalf, I'll regret on the people's behalf," Er Kang said pointedly.

"The only really bad thing I could think of about your being Crown Prince," Mei Ru said pensively, "is that my father will be trying to use it to work his influence in court. And of course, he won't rest until he makes sure that the empress position will one day fall on me."

"Is that such a bad thing?" Xiao Yan Zi asked nonchalantly.

"Believe me, Mei Ru, Crown Prince or not, I have no intention of being influenced by your father's political standings," Yong Qi replied. "As for the empress position, in the unlikely event that I accept the Crown Prince position, you two can work it out between yourself. I won't change any of our feelings either way, and I'm not that fussed either way."

"I don't want it," both Xiao Yan Zi and Mei Ru said at the same time.

Er Kang and Zi Wei looked at each other and could only shake their heads. "You three, are you listening to yourselves?" Zi Wei said, not knowing whether she was to laugh or cry at what she was hearing. "I don't think a similar conversation had ever taken place. Even then, I think we can agree that Xiao Yan Zi doesn't…exactly…have the makings of an empress."

"Thank you," Xiao Yan Zi said serenely, without any trace of sarcasm. Yong Qi smiled slightly at her response.

"That, Mei Ru, and the fact that Xiao Yan Zi is a Han, as opposed to your full Manchurian blood, means that inevitably, when the appointment occurs, the Crown Princess title will fall on you," Er Kang pointed out.

"Hooray," Mei Ru said sullenly in a tone filled with sarcasm. Yong Qi caught Xiao Yan Zi's eyes and they both looked away, biting their lips to stop laughing out loud. Even Er Kang and Zi Wei smiled.

"All this discussion, though," Yong Qi said after they've calmed down a bit, "is provisional, isn't it? To whether I accept the position or not."

"Whether you accept or not," Er Kang repeated mockingly, shaking his head. "Do you honestly think that Huang Ah Ma is going to give you much of a choice?"

"Why should he not give me a choice when he's got rather many choices himself?" Yong Qi asked resentfully.

Er Kang just looked at Zi Wei, sighed exasperatedly and shook his head at Yong Qi's stubbornness.

* * *

_Meanwhile, in Yang He Gong_

Da Ah Ge Yong Lian overturned his lunch table as he thought about the morning court audience he attended, when Qian Long had praised Yong Qi in every possible term. The servants around him flinched and his wife turned deathly white at his obvious temper but he ignored them and strode into his study, slamming the door behind him, seething.

Sometimes he wondered why he still went to these morning audiences when his father probably would not even notice if he did not show up. No, in his father's eyes, it was always Yong Qi this and Yong Qi that. Perfect Yong Qi with his perfect knowledge of literature and his expertise in martial arts. As if no one else in the world had those skills. Qian Long was forever going on about how perfectly Yong Qi completed the jobs given to him; how on earth was Yong Lian supposed to prove that his skills were superior to Yong Qi's if he was never given any important things to work on? It was ridiculous that he, as the eldest son, should be ignored and shunned aside in so many aspects while all the glory and praise went to Yong Qi. Next to Yong Qi, it was not only Yong Lian but every other Ah Ge seemed overshadowed.

What made everything worst was that now that rumours were flying every way around the palace about Qian Long's desire to appoint Yong Qi as Crown Prince. Only that they weren't as much rumours as facts that only waited for actions to make them official.

So what was the eldest son to do? He was certainly not going to just stand there and let his rightful inheritance be taken off his hands and handed to his fool of a brother. Yong Lian could not possibly understand why his father was so set on giving the throne to someone who valued a woman more than the titles he was born with, who refused to acknowledge the privileges of his status, who had absolutely no ambition whatsoever. Yong Qi would never exploit the full potential of the power that came with the throne as Yong Lian would.

No, Yong Lian will not see the throne come to Yong Qi, not if there was any way he could stop it.

* * *

After a few more days of Qian Long dropping broad hints of making Yong Qi Crown Prince, Yong Qi finally requested to see Qian Long.

"What is it, Yong Qi?" Qian Long asked, surveying his son over the desk in the imperial study at Qian Qing Gong.

"Huang Ah Ma, Yong Qi has a request to make," Yong Qi said determinedly.

"Go on."

"Huang Ah Ma, I would like to request that you not name me Crown Prince."

Qian Long stared at Yong Qi. He had never expected to hear such a request from any of his sons, even Yong Qi. "Why?"

"Because I do not think myself suitable for the position, Huang Ah Ma."

"Yong Qi, look at me." Yong Qi looked up. "If I were to say I find you highly suitable?" Qian Long asked, looking directly into Yong Qi's eyes.

"Huang Ah Ma, I am sure among the other princes, there are those more adept and more willing than I. I do not want to get involved in the power struggle against my brothers."

"There will be no power struggle for the throne, because I have made up my mind about who will succeed me. I cannot understand why you would not be willing to accept the position, Yong Qi. I would never had expected you to shirk away from duty and responsibility just because it seemed too big."

"Huang Ah Ma, I don't want the position not because I am unwilling to shoulder the responsibility," Yong Qi protested. "I know that I have my responsibility to the throne, to the empire and to my ancestors and I am perfectly willing to carry them out, just not in the position Huang Ah Ma wants to put me on."

"Then who do you expect me to put into that position, Yong Qi?" Qian Long asked wearily. "I am getting on my years, and need to have a successor."

"Huang Ah Ma, you are still very healthy and – "

"That's not the point, Yong Qi." Qian Long shook his head and stood up. He patted the magnificent golden chair he had been sitting on. "The point is that this chair is not just for anyone. And out of all my sons, you alone are suitable for it."

"Huang Ah Ma, there is still Liu Ah Ge. He is much smarter than me and would be more suitable."

Qian Long did not answer to Yong Qi's suggestion immediately. "Most of your elder brothers died young. We will go down the list, shall we? Yong Lian…Yong Lian's temper and gambling habits makes him totally inconsiderable. Yong Zhang would have been a fine substitute for you if he stayed still enough in one place to learn about the actual people of China. As for Yong Rong, he had already forfeited his claim to the throne when he became General Zhao's adopted son. While Yong Xuan's accomplishment in literature is good, his martial art is no way up to your standard, not to mention he doesn't have such a good mind for politics as you do. Yong Zhang has a habit of leaving complicated problems aside, hoping they'd solve themselves, too disastrous a habit to be considered to be Emperor. Aside from these, all your other brothers are still but children. In whose hand do you expect me to leave this empire but you, Yong Qi?"

Qian Long was looking at Yong Qi in a way that he had never looked at him before. Never had Qian Long talked to Yong Qi like this before, so frankly and straightforward. It was the tone and the look from his father that made Yong Qi wonder, for the first time, why he really was so reluctant to accept the position.

Perhaps it was the way that those two words Crown Prince could tear family ties to shreds, create hatred and enmity between family members, turn brother against brother, that made Yong Qi want to stay as far away from them as possible. Perhaps it was how he saw that, despite all the fighting and backstabbing between brothers in the imperial family, there were those people outside the palace willing to die at the drop of a hat for their friends, for people without blood ties whatsoever. Perhaps it was a combination of both, as the more intimate his friendship with those like the Fu brothers, the Liu siblings and Xiao Jian was, the more he regretted the hostile competition between him and his brothers.

"Yong Qi begs Huang Ah Ma's forgiveness," Yong Qi said meekly. "I have always looked at the situation from my stand and have not thought for Huang Ah Ma. I am ashamed of my selfishness."

"I know you have never sought for the throne," Qian Long shook his head and said. "I am far from being ignorant of what my obvious preference for you as a candidate for the Crown Prince position is doing to your relationship with your brothers and the jealousy that springs up against you. However, whichever one of you and your brothers I choose will suffer that fate. It is a cycle that cannot be broken within the imperial court: jealousy and the dissatisfaction of those not chosen to rule."

Yong Qi stayed silent as Qian Long sighed heavily. "You are not without fault, Yong Qi," Qian Long chuckled. "Your biggest shortcoming has to be your emotions. After dealing with all the trouble from you lot, I am not unaware that sometimes you do have to trust your heart and use your emotions to deal with certain situations. However, you depend too much on them, Yong Qi, and for a ruler, that could be dangerous. You run the risk of people manipulating your emotions to work against you. Your soft-heartedness can be your downfall, Yong Qi. Xiao Yan Zi can be your downfall if you do not take care. Many a ruler in history have been defeated and many dynasties have fallen because of a woman. If I were to ask you to choose between the well being of the whole of China, between your country and Xiao Yan Zi, which would you choose?"

"I – " Yong Qi faltered, blinked and was at loss. He sincerely hoped he would never have to be put in the situation to make such a choice. Before he could help himself, he muttered, "So this is what Han Xiang must have felt like." Yong Qi blanched as he realised that he had said that out loud and hoped that Qian Long had not heard him.

There was no such luck, of course. "Exactly," Qian Long said heavily, pushing away the pain at the mention of Han Xiang.

Yong Qi cleared his throat. "My shortcomings as you've laid out are potentially disastrous to the empire, Huang Ah Ma."

"Potentially, being the keyword. If you learn to take control of your fault and not let it ruin you, then it no longer has to be a fault, Yong Qi. You must learn what is worth giving up and what cannot ever, under no circumstances, be given up. There must be a distinction of where you could let either emotions or reason affect your decisions. Leaning too much on one or the other cannot be good."

Father and son stood, lost in their own thoughts for a moment, before Qian Long patted Yong Qi on the shoulder. "I know that you are reluctant to accept the position of Crown Prince, and I am vaguely beginning to see why. I will make you a deal. You remain successor for the time being on my official will, but I will not make anything official and open. In the future, if any of your younger brothers show potential for the position, I will consider them for your place."

Yong Qi looked up at Qian Long in astonishment. He really did not expect or hoped for such a decision. Even when he first came in the room, part of him was telling him he was already walking into a losing battle.

"Thank you, Huang Ah Ma," Yong Qi said gratefully. "I am sure as time progresses, the younger princes will definitely show promise to become brilliant. After all, how could they be any less with a father such as Huang Ah Ma?"

Qian Long smiled indulgently, shook his head and dismissed him with a wave of his hand.


	7. First of the Month

**Chapter 7: First of the Month**

* * *

In the month that followed San Ah Ge's departure from China, the palace filled with activities as everyone greeted the new year, the 31st year of Emperor Qian Long.

One day, Mei Ru sat down at the dinner table with a sigh.

"What's wrong?" Xiao Yan Zi asked as she noticed her slightly exasperated expression.

"Nothing. It's just the second month is approaching," she shrugged.

Yong Qi let out a groan, which he tried to smother and disguise as a cough. Mei Ru rolled her eyes as he looked guiltily at her.

"What's so bad about the second month?" Xiao Yan Zi asked in confusion.

"Do you know how many children my father has?" Mei Ru asked her, which struck Xiao Yan Zi as an incredibly odd question, since it did nothing to answer her own query.

"No."

"About as many as to rival Huang Ah Ma," Yong Qi said sardonically.

"What does this have anything to do with the second month approaching?" Xiao Yan Zi asked, still confused.

"Because of my father's determination to marry all his children off to influential families," Mei Ru explained, "those of my siblings who have married have settled themselves all over China. So every year on the first day of the second month there is a family reunion at my father's estate just outside of Beijing, Ming Hua Yuan. Basically it's the single day in the year when you could get every one of my siblings and their spouses and children together in one roof. Too much activity and fuss for my taste but…Well, considering the number of people who will be present at the estate on the day, I'm not sure whether my father would notice if someone did end up not showing up."

"Unfortunately, he would notice if we didn't show up," Yong Qi sighed. "I don't suppose I could get out of it with the excuse that Xiao Yan Zi's pregnant and needs me at home, can I?"

"You know, Yong Qi, the way you talk, how could anyone _ever_ suspect that you don't enjoy these reunions?" Mei Ru remarked. "You know you can't get out of it, and as you pointed out, Ah Ma would certainly notice if the crown jewel of his collection of sons-in-law was missing."

"I know he's your father and everything, but honestly, spending a whole day with him and your brothers, listening to their hints about supporting their factions in court is not my definition of enjoyable."

"He can't boast to be on my list of favourite people in the world either," Mei Ru muttered darkly.

"One would think you of all people would be used to large family gatherings," Xiao Yan Zi told Yong Qi.

"They're quite different occasions, you know. With the palace family gatherings, I can blend in, and there are as many people to ignore me as there are those to talk to me. At Xi Lin Jue Luo Zhang Li's family reunions…"

"He's totally put on display. Ah Ma can't get enough of showing off his favourite son-in-law," Mei Ru said dryly.

Yong Qi gave a derisive laugh. "Favourite, sure. I'm only his favourite because of my title."

"Be grateful that you have your title to pull precedence on him," Mei Ru shook her head.

"What do you mean?" Xiao Yan Zi asked.

"Well, he wasn't too happy when Yong Qi married you, and even less happy when he found out you're pregnant. He knows how things are between me and Yong Qi, and if I were married to anyone less, he'd have spoken his mind and not let it alone as he had been doing. But seeing as Yong Qi is a prince, he still is wise enough to be intimidated by Yong Qi's rank over him."

* * *

_Ming Hua Yuan_

Xi Lin Jue Luo Zhang Li seemed oblivious to the flurry of activities going on outside the door of his study as people in Ming Hua Yuan got the estate ready to receive all the family members that was to come and stay for the family reunion. He could only think about how his plans for Mei Ru were completely foiled by one Huan Zhu Ge Ge.

He knew Wu Ah Ge had been more or less coerced into marrying Mei Ru but that did not bother him. After all, his daughter was beautiful and talented, and sooner or later Wu Ah Ge would have to cave in to her charms. Zhang Li felt his plan was progressing even better when Huan Zhu Ge Ge left the palace and did not return. Now with all distractions out of the way, Zhang Li was sure Wu Ah Ge would turn his eyes to Mei Ru. The frustration to Zhang Li's plan was, of course, the fact that Mei Ru was totally uncooperative to his attempts to persuade her to warm things up between her and Wu Ah Ge. Zhang Li had waited patiently, for three years, thinking it was more than enough time for Wu Ah Ge to forget Huan Zhu Ge Ge and Mei Ru to leave behind her childish crush on the useless Han whose name Zhang Li hardly remembered.

Just when he was convincing himself that things seemed a bit more intimate between his daughter and son-in-law, all his plans were thwarted by the unceremonious return of Huan Zhu Ge Ge. For a short while, however, Zhang Li could rest with the fact that Huan Zhu Ge Ge lost all her memories and was to marry San Ah Ge. Zhang Li could not care less who the girl married as long as she was out of Mei Ru's way. For that short while, however, Zhang Li was also disturbed with the rumours that San Ah Ge came back to China to accept the Crown Prince position.

Zhang Li did not know whether he was to rejoice when San Ah Ge left his prospects for the Crown Prince position to resume his post in England or be furious when the Huan Zhu chit regained her memories and Mei Ru, the heart of all his plans, became the one to match make her and Wu Ah Ge together again.

Now his plans lay in ruins. With Huan Zhu Ge Ge back again, and Mei Ru being totally unwilling to follow the plans, Zhang Li knew the chances of him being sure that one day, his own grandchild will sit on the throne of the Great Qing empire was remote. Zhang Li knew, without San Ah Ge in the way, now the path to Wu Ah Ge's being Crown Prince was clear, and it was only a matter of whether the position was made official or not. But was he only to be satisfied with his daughter being empress? No, despite the fact that having Mei Ru as empress would bring considerable power to the Xi Lin Jue Luo clan, and force Wu Ah Ge-as-emperor to have more consideration for the position of the Xi Lin Jue Luo clan, it certainly was not everything that Zhang Li wanted to achieve. He needed his family's blood to run in a ruler of this empire, for his blood to be the roots of emperors hereafter. For that, it must be Mei Ru's son who was to be Wu Ah Ge's heir, not a half-blood child from Huan Zhu Ge Ge.

How he was to make sure that Mei Ru would eventually have a son, Zhang Li could not think of yet. But he knew what he must do now, immediately, was to make sure the child inside Huan Zhu Ge Ge could never be born. His golden, his only opportunity was the first of the second month, when both Mei Ru and Wu Ah Ge would be out the palace for the whole day. Considering the distance of Ming Hua Yuan from the palace, they would have to stay overnight. One day and night was enough for what he had in mind.

* * *

_First day, second month, thirty-first year of Qian Long_

"Are you sure you're going to be all right, Xiao Yan Zi?" Yong Qi asked for the fifth time that morning. Even Mei Ru sighed exasperatedly. She and Yong Qi were getting ready to leave for Ming Hua Yuan. Mei Ru could see why Yong Qi was being so fussy over Xiao Yan Zi's well being while they were both gone, seeing as it was the first time he would be away from her for an entire day since they got married, but Mei Ru could also see he was wearing out Xiao Yan Zi's patience.

"Yes," Xiao Yan Zi said, with more patience than she knew she was capable of. "Yong Qi, stop worrying. I will be fine. Zi Wei is coming over any minute now. She said she'd stay the night with me. It will be like old times with just the two of us in the house. I'll be fine."

"All right," Yong Qi said, still worried. "But if anything comes up, get someone to get me – "

"Mei Ru, can you just get him out of here, please?" Xiao Yan Zi said impatiently.

"You two, honestly," Mei Ru chuckled and shook her head. Then, she said more soberly, "Seriously, Xiao Yan Zi, if something does come up, do send for us."

"Yes, yes, all right, all right. I'm not five years old, and there will be people looking after me. Will both of you stop fussing, already? I'm pregnant, not dying!"

At that moment, Xiao Yan Zi was saved from whatever Yong Qi was about to say by the announcement of Zi Wei's arrival.

"Thank Heaven," Xiao Yan Zi muttered under her breath.

"Sorry, I'm a bit late. I'd have thought you two to have left by now," Zi Wei said as she entered the room.

"We were waiting for you to come," Mei Ru explained.

"Yes, and now that she's here, can you get out?" Xiao Yan Zi said impatiently.

Yong Qi feinted a hurt expression. "Really, Xiao Yan Zi, one would think you want to get rid of us."

Xiao Yan Zi flashed him a cheeky grin. "Of course I do!" However, she took his hand and placed a kiss on the back of it. Yong Qi kissed her forehead gently and murmured against her skin, "I love you, and I'll miss you." Xiao Yan Zi couldn't help but smile goofily up at him.

Mei Ru and Zi Wei caught each other's eyes and stifled a giggle. "Ahem!" Zi Wei cleared her throat, smirking at the couple while Mei Ru looked away in amusement.

"Right, erm, we should get going?" Yong Qi said, with a look at Zi Wei that challenged her to tease them further.

"Yes, erm, you should," Zi Wei said through suppressed giggles.

"Have fun," Xiao Yan Zi told them, to which both Yong Qi and Mei Ru rolled their eyes.

"We sure will," Mei Ru said sarcastically.

* * *

"Remember my instructions," Yong Lian said carefully to his trusted eunuch, Xiao Ming Zi. "Do the job cleanly and retreat. Do not leave any trails."

"Yes, sir," Xiao Ming Zi replied.

* * *

Xiao Qiao looked around shiftily for any sign of Ming Yue or Cai Xia. When she saw no one, she entered the kitchen. Xiao Qiao was Mei Ru's maid, originally serving in Zhang Li's household. When her mistress married and moved into the palace, Xiao Qiao followed her to continue serving her. Xiao Qiao knew very well that her mistress did not trust her a bit, and knew that she only entered the palace under Zhang Li's order to report Mei Ru's doings to him. Xiao Qiao also knew, if Mei Ru could, she would have gotten rid of Xiao Qiao long ago. But seeing how Xiao Qiao was originally a maid in the Xi Lin Jue Luo household, any dismissal of her has to be made by Zhang Li. Also, Xiao Qiao was also very cunning in her spying methods that Mei Ru could never catch her at it, thus not having any reason to dismiss her.

Xiao Qiao approached the pot of ginseng soup simmering on the stove. It was to be served to Huan Zhu Ge Ge later for lunch. Xiao Qiao took a paper packet from her sleeve and tipped the content of it into the pot, making sure that it dissolved totally and left no trace of its being there. Then, carefully putting the lid back on the pot, Xiao Qiao turned around.

She nearly jumped as at that very moment Ming Yue and Cai Xia walked into the kitchen. Hastily, Xiao Qiao crumbled the paper still in her hand into a ball and hid it in her fist.

"What are you doing here?" Cai Xia asked her in confusion.

"Am I not allowed in the kitchen then?" Xiao Qiao asked loftily, stepping away from the stove.

"No, it's just that normally you're only in the kitchen to cook for Fu Jin. Today it's just Ge Ge at home, why would you be in here?" Ming Yue asked.

"Well, I have to eat, too, don't I? I was seeing what I could have for lunch," Xiao Qiao shrugged. "Well, why are you here?"

"The two Ge Ge are hungry. We were about to serve lunch," Cai Xia told her.

"Fine, you do that. I'll just go," Xiao Qiao said, brushing past the two other maids and out of the kitchen.

Ming Yue and Cai Xia looked in confusion after Xiao Qiao. Neither of them liked Xiao Qiao much, since she was arrogant and treated them like they were beneath her, just because they came in to serve at Jing Yang Gong after her.

"Do you think she was up to something?" Ming Yue asked suspiciously.

"I don't know," Cai Xia said. "I mean, she could just really be seeing what there was to eat."

"I thought she looked a bit…suspicious. And if she was looking for what there was to eat, why was she standing here? The stuff for our lunch is over on the other side of the kitchen," Ming Yue pointed out.

"You think she…"

"I don't know, she was standing right in front of Ge Ge's soup. Do you think…?" Ming Yue trailed off.

Cai Xia didn't answer but took the soup pot off the stove and opened the lid. "Well, it doesn't look any different."

"She'd be stupid if she let there be evidence of anything suspicious if she really was out to poison – "

"Shhh!" Cai Xia shushed Ming Yue. "You can't say that out loud, you know. You accuse Xiao Qiao, that's like indirectly accusing Fu Jin."

"I don't think Fu Jin would harm Ge Ge, but that doesn't mean that I believe Xiao Qiao would not harm Ge Ge either," Ming Yue said tartly. "And Xiao Qiao was looking very suspicious."

"Don't you think maybe we're just being paranoid? Maybe she's innocent?" Cai Xia suggested not very convincingly.

"Innocent, yeah, right. Xiao Qiao?"

"What's taking the two of you so long?" Zi Wei's voice startled the two girls, making them turn around.

"Ge Ge!" They both exclaimed. "What are you doing down here?"

"I came to see if you needed help since you came down for a long time without bringing anything up," Zi Wei said. She looked at them exchanging looks and asked, "What's going on?"

"Nothing," Cai Xia said, "it's just…"

"Just what?" Zi Wei asked.

"We were…we were…" Ming Yue stammered.

"Were what? Honestly, you two, what's wrong with you today?" Zi Wei said impatiently. They have never acted this strange ever.

"We were just discussing whether…" Cai Xia started then looked at Ming Yue.

Ming Yue took a deep breath. "Ge Ge, when we went down to bring lunch up to you and Huan Zhu Ge Ge, we caught Xiao Qiao down here, standing right in front of Ge Ge's soup pot. She was looking rather suspicious and we were wondering if she was up to something not good."

Zi Wei stared at the two maids for a moment. "You are implying that Xiao Qiao might have tampered with Xiao Yan Zi's soup?"

"It's just…it's just a theory," Cai Xia said hastily. "We just thought she looked like she was up to no good."

"And why would Xiao Qiao do anything to tamper with Xiao Yan Zi's food? You are not suggesting that Mei Ru…" Zi Wei asked

"No!" Ming Yue cut her off. "Ge Ge, we know that Fu Jin would never do anything to harm Huan Zhu Ge Ge. It's just…Xiao Qiao is…different."

"Different? She won't just suddenly do something like that, she must have received orders somewhere, and if it's not from Mei Ru, from where else would she receive orders?"

"Well…we know that…that…"

"That?"

"Well…we know that Xiao Qiao is here more to…well, spy on Fu Jin for Zhang Da ren," Cai Xia mumbled.

Zi Wei's brow furrowed. She didn't know whether she should suspect Xiao Qiao or not, or Ming Yue and Cai Xia were just being paranoid.

"Ge Ge, to be on the safe side," Ming Yue said, "I don't think you should eat this. I mean, who knows how long Xiao Qiao had been down here and what damage she had done on the food here?"

"But you've cooked the whole meal already, what are you going to do?"

"If Ge Ge would wait for a few moments, we could cook some other thing for you."

"And do what with all this food?"

"Well…throw it away?"

"Nonsense" Zi Wei shook her head. "You're going to waste all this food just because of a suspicion you have?"

"Ge Ge! Please, we don't know if we're right or wrong, but can we just stay on the safe side? Please, Ge Ge, for both yours and Huan Zhu Ge Ge and the baby's health, we can't not take precautions."

Zi Wei frowned, then sighed. "All right."

Zi Wei entered Xiao Yan Zi's room in confusion and related her conversation with Ming Yue and Cai Xia to her.

"Do you think Xiao Qiao might be up to something or are the girls just being unreasonable?" Zi Wei asked after she told Xiao Yan Zi the story.

"I don't know. If the girls convinced themselves that Xiao Qiao looked suspicious, how are we to disprove that? I don't see why Xiao Qiao herself would want to poison me but that doesn't necessarily mean she isn't acting on order. Mei Ru did say that her father wasn't too happy with Yong Qi marrying me and this baby."

"There are those in court who would do anything for power," Zi Wei sighed. "I wouldn't imagine Zhang Li jumping for joy at the idea of your having a son…but this is a big accusation."

"We're not accusing anyone, are we? We don't exactly have a way to find out whether there really is something in the soup other than eating it…or…" Xiao Yan Zi looked thoughtful for a moment. Then she said, "Can you bring some of that soup?"

"You're not going to eat it!" Zi Wei exclaimed.

"I'm not stupid, Zi Wei. Of course not. I can definitely see why some people would want to poison me right now. I just want to check."

When Zi Wei brought her a bowl of the soup, Xiao Yan Zi went and got a piece of loose silver.

"What's the silver for?" Zi Wei asked.

"Liu Qing told me that some poisons would do something to the silver, making it turn grey. It's a way to check for poison in food because sometimes the poison doesn't work immediately in your body."

Then she dipped the piece of silver into the bowl. And pulled it out.

Xiao Yan Zi and Zi Wei stared at the piece of silver Xiao Yan Zi just pulled out. The part that was dipped in the bowl definitely lost the shine of silver and looked a dull grey colour.

"Ok." Xiao Yan Zi breathed slowly.

"Are you sure that it's poisoned and it's not something else in the soup that makes the silver go like that?" Zi Wei asked.

"I'm…not sure. But even if we do prove that this is poisoned…we really can't prove who it was that put the poison in the soup. No one actually saw, did they? And if we report this, don't you think more suspicion is going to fall on Ming Yue and Cai Xia, who actually cooked the soup?"

The two of them stared at the bowl of soup on the table in front of them, not knowing what to do.

"What on earth are you two doing?" Qian Long's voice from the door made both of them jump.

"Huang Ah Ma ji xiang!" They stood up hastily and greeted him.

"Huang Ah Ma, why did you not have your arrival announced?" Xiao Yan Zi asked.

"I did, but it looks like you both were too busy staring at that bowl to notice." Qian Long walked over to the table and picked up the bowl. "Ginseng soup?"

"Huang Ah Ma! Please don't eat that!" Zi Wei said hastily.

Qian Long looked up at the urgency in her voice. "What's wrong?"

"Well…we…" Xiao Yan Zi stammered.

"We suspect that that soup may be…poisoned," Zi Wei said slowly.

"Poisoned?" Qian Long asked, staring into the bowl. "What makes you say that?"

Together, they recounted the story to Qian Long, who frowned as the story finished.

"Where is this Xiao Qiao?" Qian Long said angrily. "I shall have her arrested – "

"Huang Ah Ma, we don't even know for definite if that is poisoned, and even if it were, there's no evidence against Xiao Qiao except Ming Yue and Cai Xia's words of her 'acting suspiciously'." Xiao Yan Zi protested.

"We can find out if this is poisoned," Qian Long said shortly. "Have someone call for Chen Tai yi."

"Chen Tai yi?" Zi Wei asked.

"Chen Tai yi can probably find out what is in this soup. I don't know how he does it, but he's the poison expert among the Tai yi."

Chen Tai yi was duly summoned. He confirmed that Xiao Yan Zi's little experiment with the silver really did prove that the soup contained something that definite should not be there and was not good for one's health. Chen Tai yi had requested to take the whole pot of soup away to look at it. After Chen Tai yi had left, Qian Long immediately ordered to have Xiao Qiao locked up in a secluded room and have her living quarters searched for anything suspicious.

"But Huang Ah Ma," Xiao Yan Zi protested at this order, "there's no evidence."

"When it comes to things like these, especially concerning the health of expectant ladies of the imperial family, people are guilty until proven innocent. We cannot afford to take risks."

* * *

Yong Qi and Mei Ru exited Jing Yang Gong that morning and expected an uneventful trip to Ming Hua Yuan. They took a carriage driven by Xiao Gui Zi and Xiao Shun Zi. Even though they were dressed in palace clothes, their carriage was small and modest, and no one would suspect it to be carrying a prince. Xiao Gui Zi and Xiao Shun Zi who were driving were wearing commoner's clothes to disguise the carriage as belonging to a normal person. And uneventful the trip truly was until they reached the outskirts of Beijing.

To reach Ming Hua Yuan they had to pass through a small wood. Suddenly, the horses stopped, kicked at the dust nervously but refused to go another step.

Yong Qi poked his head out the door and asked Xiao Gui Zi and Xiao Shun Zi, "What's wrong?"

"Addressing Wu Ah Ge, we're not sure. Somehow, the horses just stopped," Xiao Gui Zi answered in confusion.

Yong Qi got out of the carriage to see what was wrong. The moment he stood on the ground, a dozen arrows previously aimed at him from behind the trees shot towards him. Using his reflexes, Yong Qi managed to duck some of the arrows and redirect the others' paths away with his sword which he held in his hand.

Inside the carriage, Mei Ru gave a startled cry as an arrow pierced the carriage walls, narrowly missing her face.

"Mei Ru! Stay in there!" Yong Qi instructed as he drew out his sword. Immediately, a dozen men, dressed in back and with black cloths covering their faces, jumped out from the trees.

"Xiao Shun Zi! Xiao Gui Zi! Protect Fu Jin. Get the carriage away!" Yong Qi shouted as he battled the men.

"But – " Xiao Gui Zi protested, seeing how the men gave no sign of wanting to get to Mei Ru at all but swarmed around Yong Qi.

"NOW!" Yong Qi ordered as well as he could with about five swords going at his head.

Mei Ru threw open the carriage doors and watched in horror at the scene in front of her. She didn't know what she going to do but would have jumped down out of the carriage if Xiao Gui Zi and Xiao Shun Zi had not held her back. The two eunuchs wanted to jump in to help their masters but their lack of martial arts skills would only prove to be in the way of Yong Qi.

Just as Xiao Shun Zi, Xiao Gui Zi and Mei Ru all wondered what to do and Yong Qi was lost in the ring of assassins, a young man jumped in the circle, distracting the assassins away from Yong Qi.

Yong Qi had no idea where he came from or who he was, but he was helping Yong Qi fight the assassins. Whoever he was, Yong Qi wasn't about to complain about his being there.

Behind the trees, Xiao Ming Zi saw that both Yong Qi and whoever this young man was were better skilled at martial arts than he thought. He did not expect someone to suddenly come to Yong Qi's rescue. Xiao Ming Zi pulled out his bow, and aimed an arrow at Yong Qi.

"Yong Qi!" Mei Ru cried as she saw an arrow making its way to him. Yong Qi turned around at the sound of her voice, but it was too late. The arrow pierced Yong Qi's right shoulder, and he fell to the ground. Yong Qi could feel immediately the poison from the arrow making its way into his body as he pressed his hand at the wound.

The assassins around him, seeing the arrow making its mark, immediately left and disappeared.

The young man was fairly taken off his guard that the masked men left so quickly, but one look at Yong Qi in front of him told him that the arrow must be poisoned.

The young man was a physician who lived on the outskirts of Beijing. His living standard was low since he treated mostly poor people for reduced, or sometimes no, fees. However, his skills in the arts of medicine was high and was highly respected around the poor community in Beijing as he used his skills to help them instead of trying to earn money by charging large fees as physicians were wont to do.

He was on his daily trips to the mountains to collect medicinal herbs when he came across this man being attacked by the masked men. By instincts, he jumped in and helped, without knowing who the other man was and why he was being attacked. The man now was barely conscious but he knew he must stop the poison's progress before he was lost. Quickly, he supported the man and pressed at a few acupoints around his shoulder.

Mei Ru immediately knew that there was something about the arrow as soon as Yong Qi collapsed, especially when the arrow pierced around his shoulder blade and not near his heart or any organ at all. She barely noticed the assassins taking off but jumped down from the carriage, and rushed to Yong Qi, not even noticing that Xiao Gui Zi and Xiao Shun Zi had rushed after her or that the young man who helped them was still there.

"Yong Qi!" She cried as she got to his side, and the other young man had just finished stopping the poison's progress by acupressure.

"Mei Ru…" Yong Qi said weakly as Mei Ru knelt down by him, her face panic-stricken.

A strangled cry next to her distracted Mei Ru from Yong Qi. She looked up at the young man who had helped them for the first time, and saw his face. Immediately, the world seemed to spin around her. For a moment, she forgot even Yong Qi seriously injured next to her. She could only stare at the man in front of her, and wondered whether she was seeing things. How could it be possible? She had been so sure that he was…

Somehow, Mei Ru managed to gasp his name, staring at him in disbelief as he looked at her with a mixture of shock, longing and daze.

"Du An!"

* * *

"How did it go?" Yong Lian asked when Xiao Ming Zi returned.

"The poisoned arrow hit him, sir," the eunuch reported. "There is no way they could get him to a physician in time, and I doubt anyone there knows how to stop the poison progressing."

Xiao Ming Zi left out the part about the unexpected help that Yong Qi received. He reasoned, there was no cause for his master to know about this unforeseen stumble they had. Besides, whether Wu Ah Ge received help during the fight or not was irrelevant, there was no way that he would survive that arrow. Not at all.

* * *

"Fu Jin? Fu Jin!" Xiao Gui Zi's voice snapped Mei Ru out of her trance and she realised that saving Yong Qi, who had passed out, was now the priority.

Still staring intently at Du An, she asked, "Du An, I know you know medicine. The arrow's poisoned isn't it? I know it is…"

Tearing his eyes away from Mei Ru, Du An forced himself to focus on the problem at hand, that he had a life to save. "Yes. I've performed acupressure on the wound to stop the poison from spreading, but he still needs immediate treatment. The arrow needs to be taken out."

"Addressing Fu Jin," Xiao Shun Zi spoke up, "we must take Wu Ah Ge back to the palace and let Tai yi look at him."

Mei Ru was about to agree, despite the fact that leaving now would mean she would not know anything about Du An's whereabouts, but Du An himself vetoed the suggestion.

"The palace is too far off," he said decisively. "Besides I know what this poison is and it's a rare poison used in the jiang hu world, and not many people knows treatments for it. I know how to get rid of the poison from his system. My house is close by, we can take him there, where I have all the things I need and I can start on the treatment. That is, if you don't mind a poor, wooden house – "

"Yes, we'll do that," Mei Ru said breathlessly. "The streets will be really crowded this time of day and it will take us at least an hour to get to the palace."

"But Fu Jin, we don't know anything about this man – " Xiao Gui Zi started.

"I do! I trust him! The question now is do you trust my judgement?" Mei Ru demanded agitatedly.

"Of course, Fu Jin," Xiao Shun Zi said hastily. "Da ye, could you give us directions to your residence?"

After Du An had given Xiao Shun Zi and Xiao Gui Zi the directions, he and the two eunuchs managed to get Yong Qi into the carriage. As soon as the carriage doors closed, the eunuchs sped it off for Du An's house.

"I need to take the arrow out immediately," Du An told Mei Ru, his voice oddly calm and business-like. Mei Ru, however, was trembling all over, partly from the shock of seeing Du An again so unexpectedly, partly from concern for Yong Qi. "Mei Ru, I need you to hold him so that his body doesn't move with the rocking of the carriage."

"Right," she said shakily. "There's bandages in that basket under the seat you can use to stem the blood," she added when Du An was about to tear his outer shirt apart to use for bandages. "Thank goodness we thought to bring a simple first aid kit."

As soon as Mei Ru had gripped Yong Qi's shoulders tightly so that he couldn't move, Du An used the pair of scissors he found in the basket to cut off Yong Qi's shirt. Then he gripped the arrow and pulled it out. Blood spurted out, which Du An stopped with the bandages in his other hand. With Mei Ru's help, he bound the bandage tightly around the wound to stop the bleeding.

"I've managed to stop the bleeding," Du An said, "but the poison from the arrow is still concentrated in his shoulder. But I need him sitting still to do the acupressure to force the poison out. But he should be…well, not fine, but in a stable condition, for now."

"But he's going to live?" Mei Ru asked desperately. "He's going to survive this, isn't he? Please tell me you will be able to save him!"

"That will depends on how he reacts to the medicine I will need to give him afterwards. I've only treated a person who was poisoned with this particular poison once, so I can't say much about past experiences. But if all goes well, after I force the poison out of his system, he should be able to recover."

There was a short silence. Then Mei Ru said the first thing that came into her head. "You're alive."

"Yes," Du An answered heavily. "So this is – "

"This is Wu Ah Ge Yong Qi. My – " she faltered and looked away from him.

"Husband," Du An finished for her quietly. Mei Ru bit her lip and nodded. Then, gathering all her courage, she looked back at Du An. There was a mix of emotions in his eyes but Mei Ru felt her mind was too muddled to be able to distinguish them. For a moment, the two of them stared at each other. Mei Ru hardly knew how she was feeling being thrown back into Du An's presence so suddenly, and like this. For over four years, she had thought him to be dead. His death had been the only reason for her to stop fighting her father's insistence that she marry someone high-born. His death was the only thing that made Mei Ru give up, and give in to marrying Yong Qi.

And now…now, they meet again like this. He was not dead, after all these years, after all the pain and misery her own father inflicted on him the last time she saw him, the time when they were caught eloping. What made the situation so much more caustic was that Yong Qi was hovering between life and death between them.

A groan and Yong Qi stirring in her arms made Mei Ru tear her eyes away from Du An. Yong Qi weakly opened his eyes and Mei Ru immediately gripped his hand. "Yong Qi! How are you?"

Yong Qi didn't answer her but looked at Du An beside them, his brows knitted. "Did you say that this was Du An?" he asked her breathlessly.

"Yes," Mei Ru answered, her voice shaking.

Yong Qi turned his eyes to hers and he looked at her in an unfathomable way. Before any of them could say anything more, the carriage came to a halt. Du An stuck his head out of the window and said, "Yes, this is my house."

Together they moved Yong Qi into the house. It was sparsely furnished but was neat and tidy. It had three rooms. The front room took up half the house and was lined with cabinets filled with herbs and medicine. The small bedroom and kitchen took up the other half of the house. They managed to get Yong Qi to the only bed in the house.

"I will need you to sit up, sir," Du An told Yong Qi, "because I will need to perform acupressure on your back to force the poison out."

"Wait," Yong Qi said weakly. "Before you do anything…answer me this…do you love Mei Ru?"

Du An stared open-mouth at Yong Qi for a while, finding it astonishment that he knew about Mei Ru and him. Mei Ru, who was sitting on the edge of Yong Qi's bed, gasped at the question and stared intently at Du An.

"Yes," Du An answered firmly. He felt as if he was challenging the prince in front of him to punish him for declaring to be in love with his wife. Du An looked over at Mei Ru and found that she had closed her eyes and was trying to calm her breathing.

When he turned back to Yong Qi, he found that Yong Qi was smiling. "Then take care of her for me," Yong Qi said breathlessly. Before either Du An or Mei Ru realised what his words meant, he said, "Mei Ru…"

"What is it?" Mei Ru went over to his side, still dazed at what he just said.

Yong Qi took her hand and squeezed it. "I know the arrow was poisoned and I know my chances of surviving are not high…"

"Don't say that!" Mei Ru said affectedly, shaking her head.

"No, Mei Ru, if I die…tell Xiao Yan Zi, tell her that I love her. Tell her – "

"I am not telling her anything!" Mei Ru said, tears springing to her eyes. "You tell her. You tell her that! You have to live and tell her!"

Yong Qi smiled weakly, and continued, "It might not be such a bad thing if I die, you know…If I die, it will be better for you, Mei Ru, then I'll be setting you free…"

For a moment, Mei Ru could only stare at him in disbelief. "Has that poison completely meddled with your brain?" she snapped. "Don't you dare do something so stupid as giving in to the poison just because you are under some stupid noble conviction that you will be freeing me in dying! I don't need to be free like that! I won't be free like that! You can't die, Yong Qi, you can't. Huang Ah Ma needs you as successor. What am I supposed to say to Xiao Yan Zi?"

"Say that I'm grateful to have at least a little time with her and that I love her," Yong Qi smiled. "That I am not sorry to die knowing – "

"No, Yong Qi, no," Mei Ru cut him off, tears were now running down her face. "Xiao Yan Zi needs you! The baby needs you! You can't leave them! You have to fight to live for them! You need to live to see the baby born, to see it grow up. Please, Yong Qi. I'll never forgive you if you don't! I'll never forgive myself if you don't!"

Du An cut in, "Wu Ah Ge, I cannot claim to be able to guess what's going on in your mind right now, but I have yet to stand back and let some die without attempting to save them. Please, let me perform the acupressure treatment. The longer you leave the poison concentrated in one place, the more dangerous it will be."

Mei Ru released Yong Qi's hand and helped him sit up. Du An sat behind him and began his work.

Mei Ru left the room to let Du An work and met Xiao Shun Zi and Xiao Gui Zi out in the front room.

"Xiao Gui Zi, go to Ming Hua Yuan and inform my father that Wu Ah Ge and I will not be able to come today. Just tell him that Wu Ah Ge is not feeling well. Do not say anything him being injured. Then come back here. I don't want to send news to the palace just yet before Du An finishes the acupressure treatment. At least then we would have some report of how Wu Ah Ge is doing. If we bring news back now, everyone would just panic. And I think there should be one of you here with us, anyway."

Thus, Xiao Gui Zi took a horse to Ming Hua Yuan while Xiao Shun Zi stayed behind with Mei Ru and Yong Qi.

* * *

_Meanwhile, in the palace_

"Well, do you find anything suspicious?" Qian Long asked Ming Yue and Cai Xia after they've finished searching Xiao Qiao's room. They were still waiting for results from Chen Tai yi's examination of the ginseng soup.

"Well, there's this, sir," Ming Yue handed two paper packets to Zi Wei who in turn handed it to Qian Long. "There's some sort of powder in it, but we don't know what it is."

Qian Long opened the packets. Both Xiao Yan Zi and Zi Wei looked over his shoulder at the contents. There was, as Ming Yue said, some white powder in the packet.

"Xiao Lu Zi," Qian Long called to his own eunuch. "Take this to Chen Tai yi, and ask him also to determine what this powder is. I want a report of both what this is and whether there is anything in the soup today."

"Zha!"


	8. Tangled Fates

**Chapter 8: Tangled Fates**

* * *

It was long past noon when Du An finally managed to get Yong Qi to spit out a mouthful of blood, thus successfully forcing the poison out of his system. Mei Ru and Xiao Shun Zi helped settle the now unconscious Yong Qi back down on the bed while Du An climbed out of it.

"How is he now?" Mei Ru asked as she tucked the covers around Yong Qi.

"For the time being his life is no longer in immediate danger. It's impossible to get rid of all the poison but the amount still residing in his body now is very small and can be treated with an antidote brew which I will prescribe and prepare for him now. He should be unconscious for at least another day."

Du An turned to go prepare the medicine. Mei Ru stood watching after him. Before he disappeared through the door, however, she called, "Du An?"

He turned around with an enquiring look at her.

"Thank you," she said with a small smile. He stared at her with undisguised longing for a moment, then nodded and walked out.

Just that moment, Xiao Gui Zi came in the room, having returned from his trip to Ming Hua Yuan.

"Fu Jin ji xiang!"

"How did your trip go? What did my father say?"

"He asked me how it is that Wu Ah Ge was not feeling well when he received news this morning that you have started out. I – Fu Jin, forgive me, I told him something not strictly correct. I told him that Wu Ah Ge had a sudden indisposition and stopped the carriage at his friends' house outside the palace, at Hui Bin Lou."

"That's fine, Xiao Gui Zi. The later my father finds out about Wu Ah Ge's injury, the better. Besides, even if we do tell him the truth, it won't change anything. I think we must send word to the palace now. Xiao Shun Zi, go back to the palace and inform Huang Shang of Wu Ah Ge's injury and conditions. Tell him to send a Tai yi here. Oh, and if Ge Ge is around Huang Shang when you tell him, don't dump the news on Ge Ge. Tell Huang Shang discretely first, then let Huang Shang break the news to Ge Ge, understand? Though when you do tell Ge Ge…" Mei Ru hesitated for a moment, then went on, "tell her that the person who helped us and saved Wu Ah Ge is named Du An. She will understand. Oh, yes, tell Xiao Qiao to send back with you some of my and Wu Ah Ge's clothes," she added after realising that the clothes she was wearing was covered in blood and they have totally ruined Yong Qi's shirt when they removed the arrow.

"Yes, Fu Jin! Xiao Shun Zi takes his leave."

* * *

Xiao Shun Zi ran into Xiao Lu Zi, who was taking the powder packets to Chen Tai yi to be examined, as he arrived in the palace. Xiao Lu Zi very unfortunately told him that Huang Shang was at Jing Yang Gong. This would mean he would have to find a way to speak to Huang Shang without making Ge Ge suspicious.

Sighing, he entered Jing Yang Gong and duly greeted Huang Shang and the two Ge Ge.

"Xiao Shun Zi! What are you doing back?" Xiao Yan Zi exclaimed in astonishment.

"Answering Ge Ge, Fu Jin sent me back. Addressing Huang Shang, Fu Jin has a message and instructed me to give it to you…in private."

Qian Long raised his eyebrow at this sudden need for secrecy and what on earth the message might be. "All right, you may deliver the message to me in the study," Qian Long said as he realised that Xiao Shun Zi obviously didn't want to say whatever it was in front of the two Ge Ge.

Xiao Yan Zi looked worried after Qian Long and Xiao Shun Zi as they retreated to the study.

"Something's wrong," she said agitatedly to Zi Wei. "I know there is something wrong!"

"Maybe not," Zi Wei said, but with a frown on her face. "Maybe there is just a message that Mei Ru wanted to give Huang Ah Ma."

"A message that can't wait till she comes back tomorrow? A message that requires sending Xiao Shun Zi all the way back?" Xiao Yan Zi demanded. "He obviously didn't want to give the message in front of us, Zi Wei! That means something is up! I can feel it!"

After what seemed like hours to Xiao Yan Zi, Qian Long came out with Xiao Shun Zi, looking decidedly grave.

"Huang Ah Ma! What happened? I know something is wrong! Please tell me!" Xiao Yan Zi said, tugging at Qian Long's sleeve.

"Xiao Yan Zi, sit down first," Qian Long said.

Xiao Yan Zi sat down impatiently. Qian Long took a deep breath. "On the way to Ming Hua Yuan, Yong Qi and Mei Ru met a group of assassins," he started.

"What?" Xiao Yan Zi exclaimed, jumping up, making Zi Wei grip her arm in alarm.

"Xiao Yan Zi! Sit down, sit down! Don't jump like that! You'll injure yourself."

"Huang Ah Ma! How's Yong Qi? He's hurt, isn't he? I know it!" Xiao Yan Zi cried, ignoring Zi Wei.

"Well, according to Xiao Shun Zi, the assassins were all going for Yong Qi and in the middle of the fight, someone came in to help Yong Qi fight the assassins. However, Yong Qi was still shot with a poisoned arrow."

"Poisoned?" Xiao Yan Zi cried in horror. Then, turning to Xiao Shun Zi, she demanded, "He's all right! Tell me he's all right!"

"Addressing Ge Ge, right now Wu Ah Ge is in no immediate danger. The person who helped Wu Ah Ge fight the assassin, whose name is Du An, is also a physician and managed to curb the poison's progress. Then we went to his house where he performed acupressure on Wu Ah Ge and managed to force most of the poison out of Wu Ah Ge's body now. Right now Wu Ah Ge is still unconscious but is in no danger. Fu Jin didn't want us to bring news back earlier because she thought it better if we had news to reassure you that Wu Ah Ge was all right now."

Xiao Yan Zi didn't know whether to be relieved or be more worried. However, something that Xiao Shun Zi said caught her attention. "Wait, did you say that the man who saved Yong Qi was called Du An?"

"Yes."

"But Du An is – " Xiao Yan Zi stopped and looked at Zi Wei who also looked confused.

"Fu Jin specifically told me to tell Ge Ge his name," Xiao Shun Zi added.

"Then he's not…" Xiao Yan Zi said to herself.

"What? Who is this Du An?" Qian Long demanded.

"Just someone we know from outside the palace, Huang Ah Ma," Zi Wei said quickly.

"Fu Jin requested that Huang Shang send a Tai yi to Du Da ye's house, as for the time being, Wu Ah Ge is still unconscious and cannot be moved back to the palace just yet. Also Fu Jin requested me to bring back a change of clothes for her and Wu Ah Ge."

"Oh, Huang Ah Ma! Please let me go and see Yong Qi!" Xiao Yan Zi immediately begged. "Please! Huang Ah Ma! I need to see him, I need to be there with him! He needs me!"

"No!" Qian Long said firmly. "You're not going anywhere, Xiao Yan Zi. You're six months with child. Do you honestly think I'll let you go out now when Yong Qi was injured by assassins?"

"But Huang Ah Ma! It will be worst for me to stay home! If I go, at least I can see him and be a little less worried! Staying home and worrying half to death won't be good for me either! Please, please, please, Huang Ah Ma! I need to see him, I need to be with him! Please! Huang Ah Ma!"

Zi Wei was torn between being understanding with Xiao Yan Zi's request and agreeing with Qian Long. "Huang Ah Ma, perhaps if someone to go with us to protect us, like Er Kang and Xiao Jian, it will be better for Xiao Yan Zi to be there with Yong Qi," she said gently.

"Us?" Qian Long asked.

"Yes, I'll go with Xiao Yan Zi to take care of her," Zi Wei said.

"Huang Shang, if I may say – " Xiao Shun Zi started.

"Go on."

"Du Da ye's residence is rather small. I think it might be a little inconvenient if a lot of people went over there."

"Exactly. Xiao Yan Zi, Zi Wei, you both stay home. I will send Hu Tai yi to see Yong Qi."

"Huang Ah Ma! Please, I want to see Yong Qi! Please, Huang Ah Ma! It won't be good for Mei Ru to be staying in a house full of men, by herself, anyway! Please, if I go, at least there will be two of us! I promise I will be careful! Please Huang Ah Ma!"

At last, Qian Long had to give in to letting Xiao Yan Zi go see Yong Qi. Xiao Yan Zi and Hu Tai yi, therefore, under the protection of Er Kang and Xiao Jian, made their way to Du An's house.

"Did you say that Xiao Shun Zi said that the person who saved Yong Qi was called Du An?" Er Kang asked Xiao Yan Zi as they and Xiao Jian sat in the carriage on the trip. Hu Tai yi and Xiao Shun Zi were outside on the driver's seat.

"Yes. And she specifically wanted me to know. But Yong Qi told me that Du An was dead!"

"Just because Mei Ru believed he was dead doesn't mean that he's really dead," Xiao Jian said. "I mean, everything we know about Mei Ru and this Du An person was through Yong Qi. What if Mei Ru just convinced herself that Du An is dead?"

"Well, I don't know. Whoever he is, dead or not, I'm at least grateful that he knew how to save Yong Qi in time," Xiao Yan Zi sighed heavily.

"Though you do realise that if this person really is Mei Ru's lover, things might get complicated?" Er Kang said.

"It's not exactly another Han Xiang position we're caught in, though, is it?" Xiao Yan Zi shrugged. "I mean, I think if Mei Ru could be happy, Yong Qi would gladly let her go off with Du An."

"In case you haven't noticed, Xiao Yan Zi, Mei Ru and Yong Qi aren't just living in the same house. They're married," Xiao Jian pointed out. "There's also the problem of Zhang Li. Yong Qi might have no problem letting Mei Ru go, but somehow I don't think Zhang Li is going to be quite so nice."

"So? Huang Ah Ma didn't want to let Han Xiang go, she managed to get away. Granted, we nearly died in the process, but still. Besides, Huang Ah Ma was always around Han Xiang. Mei Ru lives in the palace, away from her family."

Er Kang shook his head. "Xiao Yan Zi, they are _married_," he said pointedly, looking at her stomach. "Do I have to spell it out for you?"

"I know what you are implying," Xiao Yan Zi rolled her eyes. "But they haven't _done_ anything. So, all in all, it's not such a different situation from Han Xiang, really. If Xiang Fei can 'die', then why can't Mei Ru also 'die'?"

"How do you _know_ they haven't done anything?" Xiao Jian asked.

"It's called trust," Xiao Yan Zi said patronisingly. "I trust Yong Qi's words. Besides, even if they had, I don't think it takes a genius to see that they don't have an inkling of love for each other."

"You don't think though…" Xiao Jian started then trailed off.

"Though what?" Er Kang asked.

"If Yong Qi dies, Mei Ru's dilemma is rather solved…"

"Don't say that!" Xiao Yan Zi said, in tears.

"I'm just saying," Xiao Jian continued, "we don't know anything about this Du An character. He might…"

"Might what? Kill Yong Qi to get Mei Ru? Let Yong Qi die?" Xiao Yan Zi demanded.

"There are all kinds of people in the world, Xiao Yan Zi," Xiao Jian said.

"Well, we haven't even met the guy yet! We can't sit here and speculate what kind of person he is or what he will or will not do!" Xiao Yan Zi said heatedly. "And Mei Ru would never agree to something like that! Besides, Hu Tai yi is here, so even if Du An doesn't want to save Yong Qi, Hu Tai yi will!"

* * *

At last, the carriage came to a stop, and Xiao Yan Zi would have jumped out of it if she wasn't six months pregnant. Instead, she had to wait for Xiao Jian to get out first and support her while she descended the carriage.

"Huan Zhu Ge Ge ji xiang! Fu Da ye ji xiang! Xiao Da ye ji xiang! Hu Tai yi ji xiang!" Xiao Gui Zi came out to greet them.

"Where is Wu Ah Ge?" Xiao Yan Zi demanded immediately.

"Answering Ge Ge, Wu Ah Ge is inside."

Xiao Gui Zi took them into the bedroom, where Du An was taking Yong Qi's pulse and Mei Ru was standing by the bed.

"Xiao Yan Zi!" she exclaimed upon seeing her. "What on earth are you thinking coming here?"

"What on earth am I thinking? I need to be here, Mei Ru!"

"But you shouldn't be out!" Mei Ru cried. "It's not good – "

"It will be worst for me to be in the palace!" Xiao Yan Zi cut through her speech. "Can you skip the lecture, already? It took me ages to convince Huang Ah Ma to let me go. How is Yong Qi?"

She rushed to Yong Qi's bed from which Du An just stood up, having finished taking Yong Qi's pulse. Mei Ru introduced them.

"Everyone, this is Du An, who saved Yong Qi by forcing the poison out. Du An, this is Fu Er Kang and Xiao Jian, Yong Qi's friends. This is Xiao Yan Zi, Yong Qi's wife and this is Hu Tai yi."

Hu Tai yi immediately got to his work and spoke to Du An. "Du Da ye, can you tell what poison was on the arrow?"

"Please, don't call me Da ye. I'm not a Da ye. Du An will do. The arrow was soaked with a very rare poison called Tian lu."

"I know that poison!" Xiao Jian exclaimed. "It's used only by the most ruthless killers in the jiang hu world. The poison is a combination of twelve deadly poisons which must be mixed and the recipe is extremely guarded. Not many people know about it at all. If the poison makes its way into any of one's vital organs, there is no cure. You must have stopped the poison's progress immediately if you've managed to save him."

"Yes, I performed the acupressure on him almost immediately after the arrow hit him, so the poison was stopped at once. I didn't know what poison it was when I did the acupressure, of course, but afterwards when I've taken his pulse and realised what it was, I realised how fortunate it was that those killers withdrew so quickly so that I could immediately stop their poison's work. If they'd stayed and fought on, I'd been distracted and unable to save Wu Ah Ge."

Hu Tai yi who had been taking Yong Qi's pulse as this went on, looked up at said, "I must admit I have no knowledge of this poison. However, I believe Chen Tai yi, the poison expert among physicians in the palace, might know more about it."

"Chen Tai yi is busy with analysing another poison attempt," Xiao Yan Zi informed him, "that's why Huang Ah Ma didn't summon him. But I think Chen Tai yi should be finished with that by this evening."

"Another poison attempt?" Mei Ru, Er Kang and Xiao Jian all exclaimed.

"On who?" Er Kang asked. "And how do you know?"

"On me," Xiao Yan Zi sighed. "I'm fine," she added immediately as she sensed a tirade of questions coming. "Long story. Don't worry about that now. What about Yong Qi? How is he?"

"Well, I've managed to force most of the poison out of Wu Ah Ge's system. I know of the antidote which can be used to treat the remaining amount in his body, and will be giving him the antidote as soon as he wakes up," Du An said.

"In that case, we should send Chen Tai yi here as soon as he is available," Mei Ru said. "Meanwhile, really, I don't think it's necessary for all of you to be here."

"Mei Ru, it's best if Hu Tai yi remain for the time being," Er Kang pointed out. "And see if you can persuade Xiao Yan Zi to take a step out of this house now. Seeing how Yong Qi was injured in an assassination attempt, as Yu Tian Shi Wei, I cannot leave. Xiao Jian should stay, the more protection we have here the better. So the only people who really don't need to be here are Xiao Gui Zi and Xiao Shun Zi…"

"You don't think I need to be here, either, don't you?" Mei Ru asked irritably.

"Er – " Er Kang looked a bit uncomfortable.

"Xiao Yan Zi is staying, I'm staying. I'm staying to take care of Xiao Yan Zi!" Mei Ru said stoutly

"Er Kang," Xiao Yan Zi broke in, "can I point out, that this house is rather small? Seriously, you and Xiao Jian don't have to stay. The assassins obviously think their arrow have done the job otherwise they would not have retreated. We'll be fine."

"Xiao Yan Zi, I am Yu Tian Shi Wei – "

"So your job is to protect the Emperor – "

"May I point out to you, _Ge Ge_," Er Kang said impatiently, "here we have the _heir to the throne_, however unofficial this may be, completely unable to protect himself? And that's not yet mentioning you."

So it was decided that Xiao Gui Zi and Xiao Shun Zi would return to the palace while everyone else remained. After this was decided and the two eunuchs left, Er Kang, Xiao Jian, Hu Tai yi and Du An went out to the front room to sit while Mei Ru changed out of her blood-covered outfit.

"You look a sight, you know that?" Xiao Yan Zi commented as Mei Ru opened the bundle of clothes.

"I don't want to know. There was a lot of blood when Du An removed the arrow…"

"Please don't describe," Xiao Yan Zi moaned. She was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking at Yong Qi's pale face. A painful lump appeared in her throat as she looked at him properly for the first time since entering the house. He looked almost lifeless lying there, unmoving. She took one of his hands in hers. Though it still warm like it always was, it lay still in between her smaller hands. It suddenly hit her how very close she was to losing him.

"These aren't mine," Mei Ru said. Xiao Yan Zi looked up, brushing away the tear that had made its way down her cheek.

"No, they're mine. Incredibly, you don't own a single normal outfit. All your clothes are Manchurian outfits for inside the palace. I thought you might be more comfortable in these than the long Manchurian robes. Besides, considering we're outside, it's a lot more practical anyway."

"I guess I just don't go anywhere that would require me not to wearing palace clothes," Mei Ru shrugged.

"What did you do with Yong Qi's shirt anyway?" Xiao Yan Zi asked

"We had to cut to loose when we removed the arrow. He's wearing Du An's shirt now," Mei Ru explained.

Xiao Yan Zi looked up at Mei Ru, who had just finished dressing.

"What?" Mei Ru asked.

"So…Du An…Is he…?"

"Yes," Mei Ru whispered, looking away. Xiao Yan Zi could see tears filling her eyes.

"He's not dead," Xiao Yan Zi stated.

"No," Mei Ru said, as if she just realised that herself. "No."

"What are you going to do?" Xiao Yan Zi asked quietly.

"I – I don't know." Mei Ru said. Then, hastily, she went on, "I'll leave you alone with Yong Qi. You might want to try to talk to him. I'm going outside for a bit of fresh air."

With that, Mei Ru rushed out of the room before Xiao Yan Zi could say anything more, though Xiao Yan Zi herself was a bit at loss about what to say to comfort her.

Xiao Yan Zi sighed and turned back to Yong Qi. She tucked the covers more securely around him, then leaned down and dropped a small kiss on his lips.

"Oh, Yong Qi, I'm so confused right now. You need to get better, you have to get better, Yong Qi. We need to figure out a way to help Mei Ru." She brought his hand up to her lips and kissed his palm. "I love you, so you have to get better for me. You have to get better for the baby. You promised me you'd look after me. We still have so much to do, we still have to have more children. I need you, my love."

Xiao Yan Zi remembered back to the night when they were running away and Er Kang was injured. Zi Wei had spent the night singing to him. Xiao Yan Zi stroked Yong Qi's cheeks gently and sighed. How many things had had happened since they were on the run then?

Smiling slightly to herself, Xiao Yan Zi began to sing.

_Brave swallow,_

_Tell him my heart's wish,_

_Tell him I'm still standing beneath the bridge,_

_Waiting for him to return by my side._

_Wanting to give him a family,_

_A heart that's sincere, not fake,_

_Allow my cheek to rest upon your chest,_

_Wishing my wishes upon you,_

_With your love there is heaven,_

_All happiness and joy will prolong._

_With you in life, it's not the same,_

_Like having light within the dark night,_

_My loved one, please hold me, tightly hold me and don't let go..._

* * *

Mei Ru stepped out of the bedroom and closed the door behind her. For a moment, she tried to catch her breath as she realised that she would be spending at least the next few days in this house until Yong Qi was strong enough to be moved back to the palace. That meant the next few days being constantly in Du An's presence. She didn't know whether she was to rejoice in this prospect or be horrified.

For all the years that she had believed he was dead, the constant ache of knowing it was loving her that lead him to his death, the want and longing for him had always been there, but she always knew it was hopeless to dwell on these pains. So she had pushed them all away, desperately suppressed them and tried not to feel them.

And now? He was not dead and she was married. Mei Ru didn't know how she could cope with being around him with these truths, but how could she tear herself away from him now? Mei Ru knew, if she didn't believe him to be dead, she would never had agreed to marry Yong Qi, or anyone else. Now, how could she go on living, how could she go on being Wu Fu Jin like this? She felt like she was thrown into a loop back in time, but into a time where the different stages of her life were all tangled and mixed up, smothering her.

As painful as she knew it was to be in the same house with Du An, to be constantly around him, while knowing that she was married to another, Mei Ru didn't know how she would cope when the time came for her to leave him. She felt the desperate need to be with him rise, a need that she had tried to repress all these years, a need that suddenly came back to her with such a force that it totally swept her off her feet.

She could hear Xiao Yan Zi singing softly through the door. The song sounded too optimistic for the situation Mei Ru found herself now in. The song described how she and Du An were, once upon a time. But this was before her father had killed her every hope, every happiness and joy, by torturing Du An so much that she had believed him to be dead.

She didn't know how long she stood there against the door listening to Xiao Yan Zi's song. The next thing she knew, however, Du An grabbed her hand and pulled her into the kitchen, the only unoccupied room in the house.

Mei Ru felt dizzy just being there in the tiny room with him. She looked up at him breathlessly and saw that he was looking at her with a mixture of passion and heartbreak.

"Why?" she asked, her voice shaking with emotions. "Why did you let me believe you were dead? Why did not you let me know you were alive? Why did you let me believe all hopes were lost? I would never – I would never had given up if there had been a chance – " By now, tears were wetting her cheeks and she stopped talking but just looked at him.

"Because all hopes were lost," Du An said. "I realised when your father caught us while we were running away, that Heaven had a way of tearing us apart. Heaven will always keep us apart. Your father will never let you go, not to me, at least. I was near death, you know. If one of your father's men, who knew my father and sympathised with our situation, didn't go lenient on me, save me and help me afterwards, I would never had survived all the blows your father ordered on me. It took me half a year to recover from all those injuries, and by then, preparations for your wedding were already going on."

"But I wasn't married yet! You gave up on me! How could you have given up on me while you knew that we both were alive? I never gave up on you, I gave up on myself! When I thought you were dead, when I thought I've lost you forever, it was like I was dead myself. I practically gave up life and agreed to everything my father wanted because I couldn't find the strength to fight anymore. I didn't have anything to fight for. Every struggle I've put up before that against my father, against my family, had always been for you. But you gave up…"

Du An felt like someone was gripping his heart painfully as he heard the hurt, the disappointment and confusion in her voice. "For you!" he said passionately. "Because I knew if I didn't let you believe I was dead, if I kept on pursuing you, if I kept on fighting for you, the one eventually to end up dead would be you! Your father would rather have you dead than my wife, and you know it! I know you would never agree to marry someone else if you knew I was alive. But your father will marry you off. I know if you knew I was still alive, if you couldn't find a way to escape that marriage, you'd kill yourself before the wedding. I'd rather have you married to someone else than dead, because with you dead, I will be even worst off."

"And we're not worst off now?" she whispered. "We're not worst off now that I am married to someone else? That we're here, we're back together again but we've hit a dead end? How do you expect me to go on after this, Du An? Tell me! It is already agony enough for me to have to see Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi's happiness everyday, knowing I could never enjoy the same. But now…I will have to do that, knowing that you are alive and I can't – " A sob broke from her throat, choking her to silence.

"Your Wu Ah Ge – " Du An started.

"He is not mine. He was as unwilling to marry me as I was to marry him, and quite for the same reason. Though the difference between me and him is that he still had a chance afterwards to be with Xiao Yan Zi, whereas I – " Mei Ru shook her head painfully.

"He does have a point, you know," Du An whispered hesitantly.

"What point?"

"That if he dies, you'd be free." Du An looked at her carefully.

Mei Ru looked at him in shock. "No!" she exclaimed. "No! How could you possibly suggest that? He has to live! Both he and Xiao Yan Zi have suffered too much already for them to be torn apart like that! He has to live because so many people need him! I need him to live! I don't care what it means for me, for us, but he cannot die! I would feel even more trapped if he died like this!"

"Do you love him?" Du An asked bluntly, staring at her intently.

"Yes!" she said, looking squarely at him. "Because he's more of a brother to me than any of my brothers ever was! Because he has every reason to resent me, to hate me after having been coerced into marrying me like that, but he does not! Because he was ready to forgo his own happiness because he didn't want to hurt me. Because for the longest time, he was my only friend, the only person to understand what this marriage is like for me, how much it hurts and why I have to push all my emotions, all my feelings away before they drive me mad. Because he is my best friend."

"So if you had a choice between being with me and saving his life, knowing then we would lose all our chances, you would choose him?" Du An asked. Mei Ru looked at him. She would never had expected him to ever even suggest something like this. After all, he was a physician, he was supposed to save life, not bargain it.

"Yes," she whispered, but fiercely. "Because if it was his death like this that enabled us to be together, I can never do it. Because my happiness is not worth exchanging for Xiao Yan Zi's misery. Because the pain I feel now is nothing new, and is something that I know how to cope with, but the guilt would not be so."

Mei Ru looked at Du An with blazing eyes. Their eyes locked for a long moment. Then, Mei Ru turned and walked out into the small garden outside the house, leaving Du An to look after her, feeling new respect for both her and Wu Ah Ge.

* * *

Xiao Yan Zi looked out the window and saw Mei Ru standing alone in the garden. She was shaking but Xiao Yan Zi knew it probably had nothing to do with the cold. Looking at Yong Qi, reckoning that he wasn't about to wake up any time soon and Mei Ru probably needed someone by her right then more than Yong Qi, Xiao Yan Zi got up and went out into the garden.

Mei Ru turned around at the sound of footsteps behind her. "You shouldn't be out here, Xiao Yan Zi, it's cold," she said automatically.

Xiao Yan Zi sighed exasperatedly. "I'm covered. Will please stop worrying about me, for once? I have plenty of people to worry about me. Are you all right?"

Mei Ru opened her mouth to answer, then found that she couldn't truthfully answer that question without going into a tirade or breaking into a flood of tears. She bit her lip and closed her eyes.

Xiao Yan Zi sighed, saw that there was a small bench nearby and sat down on it. She looked up at Mei Ru sympathetically for a moment, then said, "You know, you don't have to suffer it all alone, Mei Ru."

Mei Ru turned to face Xiao Yan Zi, who could see that she was struggling between trying to hold all her emotions in and breaking down. Shakily, Mei Ru sat down beside Xiao Yan Zi. Still, she stayed silent.

"Can I ask you something?" Xiao Yan Zi asked quietly.

"Hmm…" Xiao Yan Zi took this as a yes.

"Why did you marry Yong Qi?"

Mei Ru sighed. "Because…well, then, I told myself it was because my father told me to. And in a way it was. In a way it wasn't. You might as well ask me why I kept on living after I believed Du An was dead. The thing is, I wasn't…living. Not really. After I believed him to be dead, it struck me how it was my fault. That, really, when you look at it, it was me who brought him to death, not my father. My father…my father really, if you really think about it, was only doing what a father of his position and his philosophy would do. He thought it was the right thing he was doing and to the rest of the world he was doing the right thing as well in separating me and Du An. But anyway, I…I knew my father would never let things work out between Du An and me but I didn't let go. I couldn't let go of Du An. Du An suggested the elopement but I didn't have to agree to it. I knew that if we were caught, what the consequences would be on him. But I couldn't resist it...I wanted to get away."

Mei Ru stopped briefly and swallowed. Then she continued, "Then we were caught. And when I realised that he must be dead…for the first instant, I blamed my father, but afterwards I realised that the blame was really all on me. That Du An died because of me. To realise this drained all my strength then and I just…I just couldn't even find the strength to care about anything, to struggle against my father's plans for me. I've always known that I would rather die than betray Du An, even if he was dead, but then, it was like I lost even the strength for that. Up until I married Yong Qi and for a long time afterwards, I was lost in this depression where nothing mattered around me. I was existing more than living. The ironic thing was of course, that it was Yong Qi who drew me out of that pit. He made me realise that really I wasn't the only one suffering in this marriage…that in a way, his situation was a lot more desperate than mine because you were still alive and he had no idea where you were. Whereas I at least knew that Du An was dead. Which, of course, makes the situation now just…"

"Ironic?" Xiao Yan Zi suggested.

"I'd hate to use the word again, but yes." Mei Ru sighed. Then she went on, "Then, I sort of realised that dying…dying would be relief. But did I deserve that relief? No, because if I die I would not die as Du An's Mei Ru. I would be dying as Wu Fu Jin."

Xiao Yan Zi looked at Mei Ru who was staring out in front of her. Xiao Yan Zi had not expected her to be able to persuade her to talk so much and wondered if Mei Ru herself realised that she had poured all that out.

"What do I do now, Xiao Yan Zi?" Mei Ru asked, her voice was helpless. The sudden vulnerability from Mei Ru made the situation seem even bleaker.

"Do you love him?"

"Yes."

"But…" Xiao Yan Zi looked at Mei Ru shrewdly. "You haven't told him that, have you?"

"No."

"You should."

"No."

"Why?"

"Because."

"Because?"

"Because it wouldn't do any good. It wouldn't make any difference."

"Why wouldn't it make any difference?"

"It would only hurt both of us to have the truth of our feelings out in the open yet knowing we could never be together. I can never convince myself that I don't love him, but he could convince himself if I don't say anything."

"Do you know how Yong Qi-ish that sounds?" Xiao Yan Zi sighed exasperatedly. "Who was it that demanded Yong Qi and I consider getting married? Who was it that insisted that we should take our happiness?"

"That's different," Mei Ru said in a hollow voice.

"No it's not," Xiao Yan Zi said gently. "Does the name Han Xiang ring any bell?"

"Yes. Yong Qi told me. But that, again, is different."

"How?"

"There was no actual wedding ceremony between Huang Ah Ma and Han Xiang. Han Xiang was just given a title."

"Same difference," Xiao Yan Zi shrugged. "Besides, how could you go on living after this, knowing that Du An is alive?"

"I don't know."

"Han Xiang once told us that if she stayed in the palace, she only had two options. Either die or go mad. I think you are exactly like that now."

"Then one of those is my destiny. Mind you, everyone's destiny is death," Mei Ru said with a sigh.

"But Han Xiang didn't die or go mad," Xiao Yan Zi pointed out. "She lived. And she's happy now, wherever she is. So why can't you be happy?"

"Because the difference between me and Han Xiang is that Han Xiang was never married. She was a gift given to Huang Ah Ma. A precious gift can always have potential of being stolen. The gift was never given her own right as a woman, with the responsibilities that come with that. When she escaped she seeks her own rights as a person, a woman, and a wife. I am married, with the responsibilities of a wife."

"You're saying that now that you're married to Yong Qi, you want to keep the virtues of your marriage by staying faithful to him?"

"Yes."

"Yet at the same time you stay faithful to Du An by resisting every persuasion and coercion from both Lao Fo Ye and your father and not consummate your marriage. Do you realise how incredibly paradoxical that is?" Xiao Yan Zi asked incredulously.

"I am fulfilling my responsibility to my status as Yong Qi's wife and my love for Du An. Whether I have feelings for Yong Qi or not is irrelevant as I still cannot escape a woman's responsibilities."

"Really? A woman's responsibilities are rather simple, you know. After all these years, even I've grasped the concept of the three obedience. In childhood, obey your father; in marriage, obey your husband; in old age, obey your son. If you're so all about a woman's responsibility then one would wonder why you disobeyed your father by pursuing a secret relationship with Du An in the first place, why you eloped when it so clearly went against a woman's virtue. Besides, one would think your responsibility as Yong Qi's wife would be to provide him with heirs. Out of the three unfilial sins, not having heirs is the biggest. If I know that, you must know that." She looked at Mei Ru with a smug expression.

"Well I think you've saved him from the biggest unfilial sin, then, haven't you?" Mei Ru gave Xiao Yan Zi a bemused smile. "What is it with you today that you're suddenly reciting a bunch of moral philosophy?"

"I am only trying to demonstrate how contradictory your different priorities are."

"I never said they weren't. And I never said everything I've done in my life was always proper."

"But if being proper in a way that makes you completely miserable, and in a way that is not necessary, more for the sake of being proper than your heart really wanting it, could that be the right decision? Titles and appearance aside, have you ever treated Yong Qi as your husband?"

Mei Ru's face was blank for a moment as she thought about this. "No," she sighed after a while. "To me, he was Wu Ah Ge, then a friend, then more of a brother. What's your point?"

"My point is that nothing in your relationship with Yong Qi or in either of your lives mark you as his wife, aside from your title, which is entirely an intangible thing. Do you honestly think Yong Qi is going to want you to give up your chances at happiness because of a ceremony that both of you never wanted, a title that neither of you have acted on, because of some false sense of duty you have?"

Mei Ru was silent.

"Mei Ru?"

"I think I know now what Yong Qi must had felt like when you returned," Mei Ru sighed. "I feel…kind of bad for badgering on at him so constantly about you then. I don't regret it, but I guess now I know how much of an emotional confusion that must had felt."

"Du An hasn't lost his memory, Mei Ru," Xiao Yan Zi pointed out.

"No, but to be thrown so totally into his presence so unexpectedly…I wasn't prepared for this…I'm not ready to face all this. I desperately need some time…"

"You don't need time as much as you need to cry, Mei Ru," Xiao Yan Zi whispered. "You don't need to be strong all the time, you know. The time when you feel you need to put up a façade of strength is usually the time when you are weakest, and there will a time when you won't be able to lie to yourself anymore, that things are fine, it will hurt even more."

"Crying doesn't solve anything," Mei Ru remarked cynically.

"But it will make you feel…perhaps not better, but lighter," Xiao Yan Zi said wisely. "When I found out about who I was, who my parents were, that it was Huang Ah Ma who ordered their deaths, then having to accept Lao Fo Ye's condition to save Xiao Jian's life…it felt like the whole world had fallen down on me. For most of my life, whenever time got tough, I was always able to find some way to laugh myself out of sticky situations, and in those times, laughter was my weapon against trouble. But when the truth of my identity hit me, for once I couldn't find anything to laugh about, I couldn't find the humour to get myself out of that situation, no matter how I look for it. It was like all my defences collapsed because of that. I could only cry then."

Mei Ru stayed quiet. Xiao Yan Zi sighed. "You asked us once to consider the possibilities by thinking about what happiness it would bring us to take our chances. You didn't want us to disregard our happiness and sacrifice it in fear of hurting you. Now, I'm asking you to do the same, and not throw away your chances for happiness just because you are afraid."

"I am not afr – " Mei Ru protested automatically, but Xiao Yan Zi just smiled and shook her head. Then, she patted Mei Ru's hand.

"Just think about it," she said, before leaving Mei Ru alone and returning to Yong Qi. As she was about the enter the house, Xiao Yan Zi smiled slightly as she noticed Du An standing in the shadows observing Mei Ru still in the garden, staring out in front of her in contemplation.

* * *

Xiao Yan Zi spent that night by Yong Qi's bedside, deflecting everyone's attempt to get her to sleep. Mei Ru sat in the bedroom with her, though she was so preoccupied that she hardly noticed she was in the same room with anyone. Everyone else spent the night in chairs in the front room of the house, but Hu Tai yi really was the only one whose mind was completely on Yong Qi and his health. Xiao Jian and Er Kang spent most of the night observing Du An and trying to decide what to make of the man. They were grateful that Du An was able to stop the poison's progress in Yong Qi's body, yet they still held a degree of wariness against him, considering the triangle that had suddenly cropped up between him, Mei Ru and Yong Qi. Du An didn't seem to notice how blatantly Xiao Jian and Er Kang were staring at him inquisitively the whole night. In fact, he hardly noticed his house was suddenly filled with complete strangers at all. His mind was all on Mei Ru, on his earlier conversation with Mei Ru, on the conversation he overheard (or, to be more accurate, eavesdropped on) between Mei Ru and Xiao Yan Zi.

Of course, Du An never entertained the idea of letting any patient in his hands die just for his own gain, no matter how painfully attractive the idea of having Mei Ru free to be his again was. He was, after all, a physician, and if he did not deeply believe in the ethics of his profession, he would never had accepted the currently poverty he lived in now when he could be earning a lot more money simply by charging more for his service. Du An also knew, that even with Mei Ru widowed, Zhang Li would never let her go to him, that their chances would not be much better than they had been before she married.

Du An was still very much in the dark about the relationship between Mei Ru and Yong Qi. However, the fact that Mei Ru, after over four years of marriage, was still childless, the fact that Yong Qi asked Mei Ru to send _Xiao Yan Zi_, who was obviously pregnant, his love, taking in consideration everything he overheard between the two women, all this forced Du An to conclude that Yong Qi was not such a rival for Mei Ru's heart as he could be. No, it was quite obvious from the conversation between Mei Ru and Xiao Yan Zi that there wasn't any romance in Mei Ru and Yong Qi's relationship. 'A ceremony that both of you never wanted, a title that neither of you have acted on,' Xiao Yan Zi had described their marriage. This simple description gave Du An more hope than he had felt in a long time. Either way, Du An knew his duties as a physician was to try at all cost to save Yong Qi. This was not yet mentioning the fact that Mei Ru herself would be devastated at Yong Qi's death.

The night passed in silence. Early the next morning, Chen Tai yi arrived, and Xiao Yan Zi finally managed to convince Er Kang and Xiao Jian and that both of them remaining here indefinitely was not necessary. Thus, Hu Tai yi left with Er Kang, who would go straight to the palace to inform Qian Long of Yong Qi's condition, which was not much change from the report brought by Xiao Shun Zi the day before. There was a debate of whether Xiao Jian or Er Kang would stay. However, seeing how Er Kang still had to worry about his parents as well as his family, Xiao Jian suggested it was best that Er Kang returned home. Qing Er and her children were to stay at Xue Si Fu for the time that Xiao Jian would be away if they did not want to stay in their home without him.

After Hu Tai yi and Er Kang had left, Chen Tai yi had an in depth conversation with Du An about Yong Qi's condition. Meanwhile, in the bedroom, Mei Ru was startled out of her thoughts by Xiao Yan Zi's happy cry.

"Yong Qi! You're awake! How are you?"

Yong Qi had opened his eyes and was looking around the room. When he saw Xiao Yan Zi, he smiled weakly and tried to speak but found his mouth painfully dry and tasting bitter.

Mei Ru immediately brought a cup of water over, and helped him drink it while Xiao Yan Zi could only hold his hand tightly, grinning in relief.

"Xiao Yan Zi," he breathed when he finally could find his voice.

"How are you feeling?" she asked gently.

"Better than what I was feeling the last time I was able to feel anything," Yong Qi answered.

"Does that mean better?" Xiao Yan Zi asked.

Yong Qi gave her a small smile. "Yes. Where am I?" he asked.

"You're at Du An's house," Mei Ru informed him. "And you're staying here for a while until he and Tai yi say you're strong enough to go home."

"I'm staying here, am I?" Yong Qi asked shrewdly, catching Xiao Yan Zi's eyes for a moment then raising his eyebrow at Mei Ru. Mei Ru sighed. He certainly wasn't talking about himself, he was talking about her.

"I should never had gotten you two together," she muttered. "Now that all your problems are gone, you'll be ganging up on me."

Xiao Yan Zi cleared her throat and turned away to hide a smile.

Mei Ru bit her lip. "I'll go tell Chen Tai yi you're awake," she said, avoiding both Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi's eyes.

Yong Qi gave a suspicious cough. "Yes, you go inform _Chen Tai yi_," he said, barely concealing a smirk. Xiao Yan Zi pressed a hand against her mouth to stifle her giggle as Mei Ru glared at them and stalked out of the room.

"You're here," Yong Qi breathed as the door closed behind Mei Ru.

Xiao Yan Zi smiled and kissed his cheek. "Of course. And please don't get into the whole "You shouldn't be here" speech. Wild horses wouldn't had kept me away when I heard you were injured."

Yong Qi squeezed her hand gratefully. "You really shouldn't be here, but I'm glad you are," he told her.

Xiao Yan Zi smiled and added cheekily, "And I reckon, that I'm here, Mei Ru can leave the fussing over you to me and worry about other matters instead."

Yong Qi smiled. "How is she, really? I know we're teasing her and all, but I kind of know what it feels like to be in her shoes right now, and it's not a very comfortable situation."

"I'll tell you later," Xiao Yan Zi whispered as there was a knock on the door, and Chen Tai yi, Mei Ru, Du An and Xiao Jian entered the room.

After both Chen Tai yi and Du An had checked up on Yong Qi, Chen Tai yi gave the report that though the poison was no longer endangering Yong Qi's life, he should not be moving around and should stay in bed for at least the fifteen days, thus, for the next fifteen days, they all would be remaining at Du An's house.

"You should remain here, also because I know the recipe for the antidote for this poison," Du An continued on Chen Tai yi's words. "There is a special way of brewing the antidote and the ingredients have to be picked fresh for every dosage. This antidote has to be taken for fifteen consecutive days. The ingredients are available in the woods around here and it's easier to pick them fresh here than in the palace. It's more convenient for you to remain here where I can brew the antidote for you each day. And you might have noticed it already, but the poison will have drained you of your qing gong by now, and you will find yourself incapable of martial arts, for the time being."

Xiao Yan Zi gave Yong Qi a look of sympathy horror, which he couldn't help but smile at and shook his head. "So, if he takes this antidote for fifteen days, he will recover?" Xiao Yan Zi asked, turning back to Du An.

"Addressing Ge Ge," Chen Tai yi answered, "while my knowledge of this poison is not extensive as Du Da ye's, I have studied this poison and the antidote should be taken for fifteen days and fifteen days only. This is the time for the antidote to neutralise the poison still remaining inside Wu Ah Ge's body. It is necessary that Wu Ah Ge remains in bed and not tire himself in that time so to not trigger any poison still remaining. After that, we expect Wu Ah Ge's condition to still be weaker than usual from the long stay in bed and from the poison, but that should be remedied with an appropriate diet and necessary exercise. Any further treatment after that, I can administer by acupuncture, and can be done in the palace. So Wu Ah Ge only has to remain here for the duration of time that he will require the antidote. I expect Wu Ah Ge to return to normal health after a month, though I would not recommend Wu Ah Ge try and regain his qing gong and practice any form of martial arts for at least another month after that."

"Speaking of poison and antidote," Mei Ru suddenly remembered, "Chen Tai yi, Xiao Yan Zi did mention you were working on another poison analysis last night on – "

Xiao Yan Zi sent Mei Ru a pleading look, begging her not to bring it up, and at the look, Mei Ru trailed off, but not before she had roused Yong Qi's curiosity at Xiao Yan Zi's discomfort.

"What?" Yong Qi asked. "What's this about?"

"Nothing," Xiao Yan Zi brushed it away.

"Actually, I want to know, too," Xiao Jian cut in, "you were rather vague last night. What was that about?"

"It's nothing," Xiao Yan Zi insisted. But Yong Qi didn't buy it, of course.

"Chen Tai yi?"

Chen Tai yi coughed and looked at Xiao Yan Zi. She sighed.

"All right, all right. Someone apparently put something of a poisonous nature in the soup that was to be my lunch yesterday, but thankfully Ming Yue and Cai Xia became suspicious of it and reported it to Zi Wei, so I didn't eat it, so I'm fine. Huang Ah Ma just had Chen Tai yi examined it to determine what was in the soup yesterday."

"Someone?" Yong Qi asked, raising his eyebrow. "Someone who? Who on earth would be stupid enough to sneak into Jing Yang Gong's kitchen to poison your food?"

Xiao Yan Zi squirmed uncomfortably and looked away. Mei Ru looked at her suspiciously. Then she gasped.

"No! It's Xiao Qiao! It was Xiao Qiao, wasn't it?" she asked.

"Erm…" Xiao Yan Zi avoided her eyes.

Mei Ru smacked her forehead with her palm. "Why didn't I suspect it? Why didn't I see it coming? Of course! The one day that both Yong Qi and I are not home! It's so typical – "

"Xiao Qiao?" Yong Qi asked. "That means it was – "

"It doesn't matter who it was!" Xiao Yan Zi interrupted. "The point is, Ming Yue and Cai Xia caught her and stopped me from eating it. Besides, I doubt the poison was meant to kill me, it would have been too obvious if it was supposed to kill me."

"Of course it wasn't supposed to kill you," Mei Ru muttered darkly. "It was meant to kill your baby."

"How do you know that?" Xiao Jian demanded suspiciously and harshly.

"You are not suggesting that I ordered Xiao Qiao to poison Xiao Yan Zi," Mei Ru looked at him.

"Well, you seem to know an awful lot about what it was meant to do!" Xiao Jian retorted.

"Xiao Jian!" both Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi exclaimed at the same time.

Mei Ru laughed mirthlessly. "If I'd been behind this, I'd hardly parade it like I just did, would I?"

"Chen Tai yi, what exactly was in the soup?" Yong Qi interrupted Xiao Jian's reply.

"My examination of the soup shows," Chen Tai yi said with a cough, after everyone fell silent, looking at him expectantly, "that, as Fu Jin guessed, the substance in the soup was not lethal, at least, not to normal people. Within the soup was a powder called Hong Hua Fen, which widely available within Beijing and is mostly used by…erm…women in brothels, who wish to abort unwanted babies. Taking three doses of Hong Hua Fen would result in the baby being forced out of the womb. This would explain why aside from the one dose present already in the soup, there were two more doses left in this maid's possession. Even if Ge Ge consumed just one dose, there would had been enough damage to seriously harm the life of the child within Ge Ge, so it was very fortunate that Ge Ge did not eat the soup."

Mei Ru shook her head. "I can't believe he'd…no, scratch that, I can believe it."

"Who?" Xiao Jian demanded impatiently.

"My father!" she replied furiously.

"We don't know that it's – " Xiao Yan Zi started. However, Mei Ru just looked at her; she trailed off and sighed.

"What happened to Xiao Qiao?" Yong Qi asked.

"Well, when we told him about our suspicion of the soup being poisoned," Xiao Yan Zi sighed, "Huang Ah Ma got Chen Tai yi to examine the soup and locked Xiao Qiao up. She was apparently 'guilty until proven innocent', according to Huang Ah Ma. I don't know what happened to her now that Chen Tai yi's given his report about his findings. I really hope, though, that Huang Ah Ma hasn't made a big deal out of this, considering I never ate the soup and am fine."

"You hope Huang Ah Ma doesn't investigate this?" Mei Ru exclaimed incredulously.

"Mei Ru, she's your maid. Suspicion falls more on you than your father!" Xiao Yan Zi pointed out.

"Actually, we all know, and Huang Ah Ma would agree, that Mei Ru doesn't have anything to do with this, which means even if the crime is not traced back to whoever is behind this," Yong Qi said diplomatically, avoiding actually agreeing to Mei Ru's guess that it was her father behind this, "all blame would fall on Xiao Qiao."

"Good riddance, then" Mei Ru shrugged.

There was a short silence, after which Xiao Yan Zi sighed and said, "Look, can we drop this subject? I'm fine, and frankly don't have the mind to think about how Huang Ah Ma's dealing with that situation right now."

Xiao Jian nodded and turned everyone's heads back to the situation at hand. "Well, if we're all staying here for fifteen days, I'd better go back to the palace for a while to get some money from Hu Bu (Board of Finance – deals with financial management of the palace and government). After all, we all have to eat these days and I'll need to buy some stuff to make us some sort of bed while we're staying here. It would be much better than spend the next half a month sleeping in chairs."

"I don't think you should get money for this out of Hu Bu just yet," Mei Ru spoke up. "I mean, it's pretty obvious that whoever ordered this assassination attempt was after Yong Qi only. They left me well alone. They only wanted Yong Qi dead, and it's not hard to see why, with all the rumours lately about the Crown Prince position and everything. This means the person behind these assassins are most likely someone at court. You get money from Hu Bu and it will be put down as an official transaction, they will need to record every single detail of how and where you're using the money. I don't think we need to advertise where we are at the moment to anyone yet."

"Mei Ru has a point," Yong Qi nodded. "Just use your own money for the time being, and get reimbursement from Hu Bu after we go back to the palace."

"Now that you've mentioned it…don't you think that the fact that Xiao Yan Zi rushed out of the palace and Huang Shang sent a Tai yi out to somewhere might had alerted to whoever is behind this assassination attempt that you're not dead? Which means we might actually be ambushed and I shouldn't leave you lot alone right now."

"But we don't exactly have money on us now, do we?" Xiao Yan Zi pointed out.

"Chen Tai yi," Xiao Jian turned to him, "I think we must trouble you to visit my house. Qing Ge Ge will be able to give you some money for us to use while we stay here. I must stay here in case we really are ambushed by the assassins."

"Of course, Xiao Da ye."

After that, Chen Tai yi left for Xiao Jian's house to get the money, while Xiao Jian went out to look around the house for any sign of anyone suspicious about.

Mei Ru, Du An, Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi were left in the room together. There was an awkward silence at first, which Du An broke by announcing that he had to go prepare the antidote for Yong Qi.

Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi looked at each other as Du An made his way towards the door. Mei Ru was staring after Du An, though she wasn't exactly aware of the fact. Both Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi suppressed a laugh, and Xiao Yan Zi said, "Mei Ru, you can cook, right? None of us have had breakfast yet. I'd go make us something but – "

Du An stopped in his track just as he stepped outside of the room.

"Xiao Yan Zi," Yong Qi interrupted with a smile, "please don't venture anywhere near the kitchen. I hate to break it to you, but you can't cook! Mei Ru, I think I'm a lot less likely to die of food poisoning if you took care of the food around here."

Mei Ru turned her eyes from Du An enough to give both of them an exasperated look. "You have the subtlety of a blunt axe, you know that?"

Despite this, she followed Du An to the kitchen to see what could be had for breakfast.

"Do you think we were being too obvious?" Xiao Yan Zi asked , giggling as she and Yong Qi were left together.

"Yes. But I think right now, we have to be painfully obvious for them to get the point."

"You don't happen to know how he's alive, though, do you?" Xiao Yan Zi asked.

"Well, not really, but Mei Ru had always assumed that he was dead. I suppose he really didn't die after being so tortured by Zhang Li's men," Yong Qi sighed. "Though I wonder why he let her believe he was dead and let her marry me."

"For the same reason you were about to let me marry Yong Zhang?" Xiao Yan Zi suggested quietly.

"No, I don't think so. I at least believed that you loved Yong Zhang, and that Yong Zhang had feelings for you and would make you happy. He had no such idea about me."

"Well, we can't fathom his mind right now. What I find even stranger now is her mind," Xiao Yan Zi sighed. Then she told him about the conversation she had with Mei Ru the day before.

"She's mental," Yong Qi said, shaking his head. "How could she possibly think that I'd let her throw away her happiness like that, after everything she'd done to get us together? For all the arguments she used with us, she should try taking her own advice."

"Yes, well, I think she just needs a bit of convincing," Xiao Yan Zi sighed.

"I'll have to talk to her about this, won't I? Or both of them, rather."

"Hmm…" Xiao Yan Zi shook her head and smiled wryly. "I can't believe you wake up from a nearly fatal injury and the first thing we're talking about is Mei Ru."

"I can't believe the first time I leave you home alone you were nearly poisoned," Yong Qi said, concern in his voice, as he put a hand on her stomach. "You do realise I'll never be able to let you out of my sight again after this without worrying?"

"I'm fine! I never ate the soup, did I? So really, it's all well."

"But it was very close! If Ming Yue and Cai Xia didn't happen to catch Xiao Qiao at it, who knows what would had happened to you?"

"Oh, Yong Qi, I really think Heaven should be getting tired of making trouble for us now and pick on someone else. After all, that arrow by all means was meant to kill you but you're alive, and I didn't eat that soup, so I'm fine and the baby is fine. Though you don't know how worried and agitated I was when Xiao Shun Zi brought back news of your being injured."

"I can't believe Huang Ah Ma let you come here, though."

Xiao Yan Zi shrugged. "I was begging. Besides, I think he knows I would have been worst off at home, having to wait for news of you. I think Huang Ah Ma gave in since he realised he had a lot to think about right now, what with having to investigate both attempts at poisoning you and me, and he doesn't exactly have time or mind to spare for my whining. How are you feeling, really?"

"Honestly? Like all my strength had totally drained from me, but at least I'm feeling something now. I was totally numb after the arrow hit me yesterday. I was surprised I was able to speak at all when the poison was still inside me."

"But at least you didn't feel any pain, that must have been some relief?"

"No, it wasn't a numbness of relief. Pain is your body's reaction to danger, you know, and to feel pain shows that your body is still capable of reaction. But this was a numbness where it seemed like I lost control of my whole body, of my being. I suppose it's the poison's way of freezing the body so that it could eventually filter into the organs and…"

"Too much details…I don't want to know how the poison was supposed to kill you," Xiao Yan Zi shuddered. Yong Qi smiled and kissed the back of her hand. She heaved a sigh and looked at him for a moment. Then, she asked, "You don't happen to be able to guess who tried to kill you, do you?"

"Well, whoever was behind it wanted me dead."

"Really?" Xiao Yan Zi remarked with sarcasm. "I would never had guessed that."

"The only real clue we have is the arrow I was shot with, and the poison used."

"Er Kang took the arrow back to the palace to be investigated," Xiao Yan Zi informed him. "Though I don't see how just one arrow can lead to anything, especially when the arrow looked like just any ordinary one, except that it was poisoned. I don't think it takes a genius, though, to realise whoever was after you wanted to kill you because of the Crown Prince position."

"While in theory that narrows down the suspects, it really doesn't. There are too many factions at court and they all clash against each other, it's hard to pinpoint an exact one. Life is just a lot more dangerous for both of us now, isn't it? Mind you, not that life wasn't always dangerous, what with all the secrets we kept in the past. But at least then, we knew that Huang Ah Ma loved us and we still had hope that he'd forgive us for everything we do. Now…"

"Now there are people who would kill us without blinking, who truly honestly do want us dead. It seems like we should had gone to Dali when we had the chance, after all."

"That would have eliminated all our problems, wouldn't it?" Yong Qi said with a wry smile.


	9. Starting Point

**Chapter 9: Starting Point**

* * *

For all that Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi schemed to put Mei Ru and Du An in the same small kitchen together, an uncomfortable silence stretched between the two lovers for the whole duration of their being there. Though they both knew that they each held the deepest love for the other, and also knew, in their heart of heart, that their love was returned, there seemed to be an invisible barrier between them. On one hand, Mei Ru held on to the belief that she could no long let herself hope of being his, that having married Yong Qi, she could not be worthy of him again. On the other hand, Du An would welcome her back in a heartbeat but held himself back because she held herself aloof from him.

The kitchen was small, which meant that they had to manoeuvre around each other. Mei Ru didn't know how she wasn't driven insane from all the times that her body brushed against him, all the times she had to stop herself glancing his way, and all the times when she couldn't help herself, and looked only to find him staring at her.

Mei Ru felt like her voice had locked cold in her throat. Her mind was numb and she couldn't think of one thing to say to him, though she felt like she should. She remembered the number of times she had sneaked out the house to see him, and how there used to be a time when they could talk endlessly about every subject under the sun. But now…she wasn't the rebellious Mei Ru who defied her father, her family, to keep on that relationship with him anymore. After her father caught her eloping, and had ordered Du An to be beaten nearly to death, she realised that a woman was such a small thing in this world belonging to men. She could struggle, she could rebel, she could disobey, but it only ended up hurting those most precious to her, and in the end, she would still be caught in her father's grip. Time did not spare anyone. Four years had been enough for her to come out of that naïve belief that if she struggled enough she would come free.

Mei Ru was both glad and pained to leave the kitchen, leave him, to bring the food to everyone in the house. Xiao Jian and Chen Tai yi, who had returned with money from his trip to Xiao Jian's house, ate outside in the front room while she brought food inside the bedroom for Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi.

Both Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi were unaware of her pushing the door open. Mei Ru paused in the threshold as she caught sight of them locked in a kiss. A strange feeling rose up in Mei Ru, and she shook herself mentally. It was not as if this was the first time she walked in on them in an intimate position. It was impossible to live in the same house as them without catching a glimpse now and then. So now she wondered why she suddenly was feeling so flustered about catching them kissing. There was also a sudden twinge of longing inside her as somehow her mind drifted to Du An.

Mei Ru pushed these sudden feelings aside as best as she could and cleared her throat, which made Xiao Yan Zi pull away from Yong Qi, looking around, a faint blush on her cheeks.

"You shouldn't be depriving him of air, you know," Mei Ru said to Xiao Yan Zi in a mock chastising tone. "He's going to need it all to recover from the wound."

"Pretty poor attempt to get back at our teasing you earlier, I must say," Yong Qi said, completely unflustered, much to Mei Ru's annoyance.

She shrugged as she set down the tray of food. They were all silent for a while, as Xiao Yan Zi fed Yong Qi his bowl of porridge, despite his insistence that he could fed himself. Then, as she set the empty bowl down and picked up a dumpling for herself, Xiao Yan Zi looked astutely at Mei Ru, who had not really been noticing what she had been eating but staring off in front of her.

"Did you actually talk to him or was all our scheming completely fruitless?" she asked.

Mei Ru shrugged. Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi exchanged exasperatedly looks.

"Mei Ru…" Yong Qi began.

"Drop it," she said determinedly. Then, she cleared the finished breakfast things and announced, "I'm going outside for a walk."

Before either Yong Qi or Xiao Yan Zi could stop her or say anymore, she fled the room.

"Aiyah!" Xiao Yan Zi exclaimed. "I really don't know what's going through her head right now. Usually Mei Ru is so alert but today it's like she's lost her head completely. She's been in the clouds every time that someone is not talking to her."

"Well, really, what did we expect, with her stubbornness?"

"How did they meet, anyway, Mei Ru and Du An?"

"Du An is a physician, you know, and as high as his skills are, he treats only poor people for very small fees."

"That would explain why he's so poor. Though where was he when people at Da Zha Yuan needed medical care and Liu Qing, Liu Hong and I couldn't get enough money to call a physician?"

"Beijing is a big city, Xiao Yan Zi. Isn't Da Zha Yuan somewhere on the opposite side of the city from here?"

"I guess."

"Well, anyway, Mei Ru used to have a maid who was very loyal to her, called Jin Yun. Mei Ru said that for all the people in her family, out of everyone in her house, Jin Yun was her best friend growing up. Jin Yun's father fell ill once, and Jin Yun wanted to go home to see him, but, of course, being sold into the Xi Lin Jue Luo household, there would be no way Zhang Li would let her go off on such a trip. So, under the pretence that Mei Ru was going to the temple to pray, Mei Ru and Jin Yun went to Jin Yun's house to visit her father. Mei Ru met Du An at Jin Yun's house. After that, Mei Ru started to 'go to the temple' quite often, but now to see Du An. I guess her sudden interest in the temple made Zhang Li suspicious and he started having people follow her. He didn't make his suspicion known until he disrupted their plan to elope. After Zhang Li, as well as Mei Ru, thought for sure that Du An was dead, he dragged her back home, dismissed Jin Yun and Mei Ru got landed with Xiao Qiao instead. Until she married me, Mei Ru was constantly under Xiao Qiao's watch, even when she sleeps. I don't think Mei Ru bothered to resist Xiao Qiao then."

Xiao Yan Zi stiffened and narrowed her eyes at the mention of Xiao Qiao. "I guess now Mei Ru will be rid of Xiao Qiao, after…"

Just that moment, Du An walked in with the first dose of Yong Qi's antidote.

"Mei Ru is outside, I think in the garden," Xiao Yan Zi remarked casually to Du An.

"I know," he said curtly. Then, he turned to Yong Qi and said, "Wu Ah Ge, you should drink that directly."

"I will. But really, can we lose the Wu Ah Ge? You've saved my life, it's really awkward to be hearing Wu Ah Ge this, Wu Ah Ge that. If you insist we don't call you Da ye, then we insist you also address us by name."

"I think," Xiao Yan Zi pressed on, "that Mei Ru might want some company." Yong Qi turned away to hide a smile at her determination to get the couple together.

"I assure you that she certainly doesn't want my company," Du An finally said dejectedly.

"How do you know that?" Yong Qi asked, sipping his medicine.

"We were in the kitchen together for half an hour and she didn't say a word to me."

"That doesn't mean she doesn't want you there," Xiao Yan Zi pointed out.

"Trust me, I know that she's not totally happy with me and some of my decision."

"Did you expect her to be happy that you let her believe you were dead, and making her so miserable?" Xiao Yan Zi asked. "She's upset that you thought such a decision was right, but that doesn't mean she doesn't want to be with you."

"Look, how about I stop beating around the bush and come out and say this?" Yong Qi said. "You do want a chance to be with her, right?"

There was a silence as Du An gave Yong Qi a long searching look. Then he said quietly, "Yes, but I am not as stupid as to think there is such a chance. When I let her believe I was dead, when I stood back and let her get married, I was very aware of what I was letting go, and I will have to live with my decision."

"And if I were to give her back to you now, a pure and untouched pearl as she was four years ago?" Yong Qi gave Du An a piercing look.

"I think the question is not about me, the question is will she take me back?" Du An asked softly.

"The question is can we convince her to admit to herself that she does." Xiao Yan Zi smiled.

Later, after Du An had left them alone, Xiao Yan Zi looked at Yong Qi and smiled.

"I guess I'm giving away my 'Huan Zhu' title, am I not?" she said.

"No, this just gives a whole new meaning to 'Huan Zhu'. You, on the other hand, are my Huan Zhu." Yong Qi tweaked her nose.

"Really? I was under the impression I was Huang Ah Ma's Huan Zhu."

"That, my love, was really Zi Wei, not you," he pointed out.

Xiao Yan Zi exhaled slowly. "Well, at least we're at some sort of starting point. We've got one of them, at least, to admit their feelings."

"I don't think it's hard to get them to admit their feelings. It's harder to convince them to do anything about it."

"Is it just me or does this have some sort of parallel with what we went through?" Xiao Yan Zi shook her head and asked.

"I think it's just you," Yong Qi said with a smile, to which she rolled her eyes.

Mei Ru, it turned out, had resorted to trying to avoid Du An, Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi all at the same time. This, of course, was an impossible plan as the house was tiny and Mei Ru herself couldn't resist being close enough to look at Du An. The next day, Xiao Yan Zi sighed heavily as she managed to drag Mei Ru into the bedroom so that Yong Qi could talk to her. Shaking her head to herself, she closed the door behind her to go join Xiao Jian, Chen Tai yi and Du An in the main room to discuss Yong Qi's healing progress.

"All right, I should have known you two would do this. Can we get this over with?" Mei Ru said huffily.

Yong Qi observed Mei Ru for a long time, then said quietly, "You know, Mei Ru, it's all right to admit that you're scared."

Mei Ru opened her mouth, couldn't think of anything to say, closed it, and looked away. There was a long silence. "I am not scared," she whispered stubbornly when Yong Qi didn't say anything but just continued to look at her.

Yong Qi gave a small laugh, "Then why are you acting like I did when Xiao Yan Zi came back? I pushed Xiao Yan Zi away and refused to tell her my feelings because I was afraid to face my feelings with all their strengths, because I knew how they would uproot my life and I was afraid of how it would hurt me as well as her. Now, you are pushing Du An away. What is worst for you is that for all you do, Du An knows that you love him, or at least, loved him. Xiao Yan Zi had no such idea when she still didn't have her memories. Don't you think you're hurting Du An more than I hurt Xiao Yan Zi by being silent around him when he desperately wants to know what you're feeling right now?"

"So if I take back everything I said to you when you were being stupid about Xiao Yan Zi, would you leave me alone and let me be stupid about Du An in peace?"

"No, and you know I won't," Yong Qi said with a smile. Then he sobered. "Mei Ru – "

"Four years…four years is a long time, Yong Qi," she cut through him. "Things have changed, I've changed, he has changed. We can't go back to the way things were before…I can't just pick things up where we left it off, just like that…"

"I didn't say you could," Yong Qi said gently. "And it wasn't three long years for me and Xiao Yan Zi? You really can't grasp as I do how much Xiao Yan Zi had changed over the years. Mei Ru, our perspective on life, our way of thinking, our hopes, our dreams have all changed, for all four of us, but that doesn't mean that our feelings changed. You know as well as I do that no matter how much our lives were turned upside down these few years, our feelings were the only thing that stayed constant. You are right, both you and Du An can't just pick things up where you left them. You both will need time to be comfortable around each other again. But Mei Ru," he took her hand and gave her a sympathetic smile. "You're not alone anymore. That is one change for the better, isn't it? You're not in your father's grip anymore; you don't have to plan your escape alone. There is more hope for success now, you know. Han Xiang was in even a bleaker predicament than you and we still managed to free her. Nothing is impossible, Mei Ru, you just have to want it enough to not be afraid to try it again."

"I don't want to think about it…I don't want to consider it…the consequences are too dire, on Du An, on your reputation, if things went wrong," Mei Ru shook her head.

"My _reputation_?"

"Yong Qi, you must know the kind of gossip that would rise if anyone knew that I – well – eloped with Du An."

"Well, I had more in mind of a well thought-out plan that could have no way of going wrong so that it doesn't become universal knowledge," Yong Qi shrugged. "Mei Ru, will you quit worry about me, or consequences, or anything just now? What you need to get straight now is what _you_ want, truly, irrevocably, and whole-heartedly want, no matter how we might go about achieving it or the consequences of it. As I said, nothing is impossible, but nothing could be done unless you want it enough to cooperate."

"Of course I want it," Mei Ru whispered, "but…"

"But nothing!" Yong Qi said firmly. "Honestly, Mei Ru, there are ways to make things happen." He sighed. "You know what your problem is, right now, that you're refusing to tell him how you feel or consider the chances that you could have?"

"Do you?" Mei Ru retorted, immediately regretting as she realised that she had fallen for his bait.

"I know you, Mei Ru. All this about the consequences and worry about how it would affect the rest of us doesn't bother you as much as you yourself. All these years you've locked up your heart, you've pushed away all the pain and heartbreak that losing Du An put on you. And I can't blame you for doing that, because I know what that pain is like. All this time you've tried not to feel and you've put up that barrier up around you to protect yourself from hurt. Now you're afraid to break down that barrier, you're afraid to trust your heart again. You're afraid to take the risk, to feel too much, because you are afraid to be hurt again."

Mei Ru looked away, and both of them knew that Yong Qi's words had hit a bit too close to home.

"I don't deserve this, I am not worthy of him anymore," Mei Ru said quietly, staring at a wall, her eyes blurred with tears.

"So what are you going to do? Spend the rest of your life being miserable, knowing he's also miserable, and driving yourself insane with knowing what you could have? It's not going to work like that, Mei Ru, and I won't let it happen like that."

There was a silence. Then:

"So…what?"

"So consider a way out," Yong Qi said simply.

Before either of them could say anymore, there was an urgent knock at the door. It opened to let in Xiao Yan Zi, Xiao Jian, Du An and Er Kang.

"We have a bit of a dilemma," Er Kang announced.

"Don't we always?" Xiao Yan Zi muttered under her breath.

"You know," Er Kang said, turning to Mei Ru, "if there's one thing I have to admire your father about, it's the fact that he's got this undying perseverance."

"Well, this promise to be a nice, comfortable and enjoyable discussion," Mei Ru muttered.

Er Kang took a deep breath, then said:

"All right, first things first. Xiao Qiao. Huang Ah Ma was present when my father questioned her. Chen Tai yi was correct in his analysis of what was in the soup, that the soup really did contain a substance called Hong Hua Fen, which would have caused dire harm to Xiao Yan Zi if she consumed it."

"Wait, where is Chen Tai yi?" Mei Ru interrupted.

"He's in the kitchen, watching over the medicine," Du An answered.

Xiao Yan Zi looked at Yong Qi questioningly. He shook his head at her.

"Anyway, Xiao Qiao did confess to putting the Hong Hua Fen into Xiao Yan Zi's soup. But she was insistent that no one ordered her to do, that the whole plot had been her own plan."

"Stupid girl," Mei Ru muttered and shook her head.

"So consequently, we had no evidence to prosecute anyone other than Xiao Qiao in this situation."

"What do you mean, we have no evidence to prosecute anyone else?" Mei Ru exclaimed heatedly. "How likely is it that a maid like Xiao Qiao would have any incentive to do something like this, unless she was given an order from someone else? It's obvious that there's someone behind this."

"And if someone were to insist that you were the one behind this?" Er Kang asked back. "Mei Ru, cases like this, there's some extremely delicate issues involved with high stakes. If we insist that there is definitely someone higher behind this case, then Xiao Yan Zi is right, the suspicion falls more on you than anyone. Even if it's obvious to anyone who knows the three of you that you wouldn't do anything like this, it's not to the rest of the world. You insist that your father is behind this, maybe he is, I am not about to agree in public with you, whatever I think. But whatever our suspicions are, we can't openly accuse your father and he is not likely to admit he is behind this, is he?"

"Er Kang is right," Yong Qi added. "Your father is a high ranking official at court, accusing him of anything is not something to do lightly. Besides, for something as serious as this, we can hardly accuse him without substantial evidence, and that we don't have. If Xiao Qiao insists that she is acting alone in this, and we can't find any hard evidence of your father, or anyone, having a hand in this, we can hardly accuse anyone."

"That's ridiculous, though," Mei Ru complained.

"Mei Ru, think about it," Xiao Jian said. "Assuming that your father is really the one behind this, do you _really honestly_ want him to be convicted? I think we all agree that he's not exactly the nicest person in the world, but he is your father. This is a serious offence, Mei Ru, it is likely to affect the whole of your family. You can't say you don't care that disaster is going to fall on all of your family if it is discovered that your father has something to do with this."

Mei Ru opened her mouth to start to say something then the force of Xiao Jian's words hit her. She closed her mouth, furrowed her brows in a frown and sighed.

"Why are you pointing this out to me?" Mei Ru asked Xiao Jian in confusion. "It's your sister's well being at stake here."

"Because you learn to appreciate whatever family you have when you grow up without one," Xiao Jian said simply.

"It's not even a question or whether we _want_ to prosecute anyone other than Xiao Qiao, as we don't have any evidence _to_ prosecute anyone other than Xiao Qiao," Er Kang said.

"So what happens now?"

"Well, Xiao Qiao is locked up in Zhong Ren Fu, and obviously will not escape a death sentence. She is lucky that she doesn't have surviving family, or they'd be driven to death with her as well, " Er Kang reported with a sigh. Then he paused and looked around for a moment. "Anyway, I told Huang Ah Ma that you were staying at the home of a friend."

"Now that we're a bit less panicky, it astonishes me how Huang Ah Ma didn't press for who Du An is and where he lives," Xiao Yan Zi mused.

"Actually he did. When I came to the palace to report Yong Qi's condition to him, Huang Ah Ma was most insistent on finding out the details of Du An's background and I told him some small white lies. I couldn't very well tell him that none of us except Mei Ru have met him before. I think Huang Ah Ma believed me though. Anyway, Huang Ah Ma is under the impression that we know Du An through Liu Qing and Liu Hong..."

"…who I have never heard of," Du An pointed out.

"You will probably meet them after I get through explaining the rest of things that are going on in the palace," Er Kang said. "Now that the person behind Xiao Yan Zi's poisoning attempt is revealed," – here he paused and added, in after thought – "some what, there's still the matter of who ordered the assassins on Yong Qi. To put it plainly, again, there is no evidence to accuse anyone. All we have to work on is the arrow, which is not enough. Though…though I do have a hunch on who might be behind this."

"And your hunch is…?" Xiao Yan Zi queried when Er Kang didn't continue.

"That's irrelevant," he replied dismissively.

"Irrelevant? Somehow I don't think you have as many hunches as you have educated guesses, Er Kang," Xiao Jian said.

"That's not the point, the point is that no matter what my hunch or my educated guess is, we…"

"…don't have enough evidence," Xiao Yan Zi finished exasperatedly and huffily. "This is ridiculous. It's so unfair."

"Welcome to the real world," Yong Qi said, rolling his eyes. Xiao Yan Zi glared at him.

"Anyway, we have some problems a little closer at hand right now that might be a little more pressing. Mei Ru, what did you tell your father about where you are?"

"Xiao Gui Zi told him that we were staying at Hui Bin Lou, why?"

"Well it would seem that your father moves much quicker than I would had expected. I think he must have had people follow Xiao Jian, Xiao Yan Zi and I as we left the palace to come here."

"How do you know that?" Mei Ru asked, startled.

"Because he approached me this morning and asked some questions about where you three were and dropped some hints that suggested that he knew where you were staying and that he knew that place was not Hui Bin Lou. Also when I came here I made a couple of detours and found evidence that this area may be under watch…most likely from your father's henchmen, since I caught a glimpse of someone who could be Ma Lin, Zhang Li's head eunuch, around this house."

Mei Ru pursed her lips together, closed her eyes and slowly let out a breath.

Xiao Jian asked her, "I take it your father believed that Du An is dead all these years as well?"

"Yes," Mei Ru answered.

"And now that he knows that I am alive, he'll want me dead," Du An added off-handedly.

"And that, ladies and gentlemen, is our problem at hand right now," Er Kang said. "And I suggest a solution."

"Where does Hui Bin Lou come into any of this?" Xiao Yan Zi asked.

"I'm coming to that. Think, right now, with Yong Qi and Mei Ru in the house, I doubt that Zhang Li will take any drastic actions on Du An's life just yet. Whoever it is that Zhang Li wants harmed, I think we can safely conclude that Mei Ru and Yong Qi are not in the list. The real threat will only come, I expect, after we leave here. Which is why I suggest, after Yong Qi is ready to move back into the palace, that Du An also vacate this place." Er Kang raised up a hand as he sensed Du An was about to protest. "Trust me, you are one man, and I know you must know that Zhang Li can deliver an army of men here to finish you off. You will not survive alone. However, if you come and stay with our friends at Hui Bin Lou, you will be much safer. For one thing, Hui Bin Lou is a public place, and you will be in constant company of other people. It will be much harder to attack you there. Also, Hui Bin Lou is conspicuously known as our favourite haunt in town. Zhang Li will think twice before attacking such a place so well-connected to us for fear that the attack will be traced back to him."

"Do I have to point out that I do not know your friends?" Du An asked.

"Oh that's definitely not a problem," Xiao Yan Zi brushed his concern aside. "Liu Qing and Liu Hong are practically used to harbouring people with a 'problem' in their house."

Xiao Jian, Er Kang and Yong Qi all laughed. "What exactly do you mean by 'people with a problem'?" Xiao Jian asked.

Xiao Yan Zi shrugged, "Well, there was Zi Wei who was the Emperor's daughter who had a sworn sister who was impersonating her in the palace, then there was Meng Dan who was the lover of one of the Emperor's concubines, then there was Xiao Jian who we guessed to have a problem very early on as he refused to tell us his real name. Then we discovered that he had a deadly grudge against the Emperor which in the end he thankfully let go of. Actually, Du An, I think compared to all of them, your problem is actually simpler and less life-threatening."

Er Kang shook his head but said in amusement. "Honestly, Xiao Yan Zi, I think you're the only person who could make a joke out of things like this."

"She does have a point though," Yong Qi smiled. "But I think, Du An, that your staying at Hui Bin Lou is definitely a good idea, as you will be a much easier target to attack if you continue to stay here alone. At least, you can keep yourself alive at Hui Bin Lou till we…_come up with a more permanent solution to this whole situation._" He looked pointedly at Mei Ru as he said the last part.

Mei Ru, who had all this time had her eyes closed, slowly opened them and met Yong Qi's eyes. Then she said slowly but determinedly, "I agree."

Yong Qi smiled in satisfaction while Xiao Yan Zi, Xiao Jian and Er Kang exchanged a surprised look.

"I have a question, though," Xiao Yan Zi spoke up. "Even though it will be harder for Zhang Li to attack Du An at Hui Bin Lou, we don't exactly want to flaunt it to him that Du An is at Hui Bin Lou. If this house is being spied on, how will Du An make the move to Hui Bin Lou without making it obvious to Zhang Li that he was leaving the house?"

"The same way I managed to sneak out of jail," Er Kang said simply. "From how I see it, I don't think Zhang Li will waste much time after Yong Qi had left the house to attack Du An. I think the best way would be to have Du An accompany you lot out of here, and I will stay to stall Zhang Li's men. Once they recognise me, I doubt they will kill me. At least, I don't think they will be that stupid. Meanwhile, you can take a detour to Xiao Jian's house where can drop off Du An and he can go to Hui Bin Lou from there while you stay there to hold off whoever may be following you."

Yong Qi looked at Er Kang in amazement. "That's it?"

"What do you mean, that's it?" Er Kang asked.

"Er Kang, that has got to be the floppiest plan I've had from you for all my years of knowing you."

"Floppy?"

"Yes! I can think of a million things that can go wrong with that plan of yours. For one thing, we are assuming a lot of things here. Don't you think that if this house is being spied on, don't you think whoever is watching us will recognise that the person leaving with us is not you, but Du An? How are we going to explain to anyone why are even taking a detour at Xiao Jian's house in the first place? And how do you know they won't attack you anyway when finding out you're not Du An? What's saying that we're not being followed even as we leave here and how will Du An make it to Hui Bin Lou unscathed if we were?"

"Well, I suggest you set out from here at dusk, which means it will be quite dark, making it hard for anyone to recognise that Du An is not actually me. Also travelling at dusk will give you an excuse to detour at Xiao Jian's house. As to your being followed, well, do you honestly think Huang Ah Ma will let you go from here to the palace without sending some dozens of guard escorts considering it was an assassination attempt that got you here in the first place? Actually, I am under instruction to come back to the palace tomorrow to bring the guards here to guard this place for the duration of your stay here. I only managed to convince Huang Ah Ma to let me come here today to warn you of his sending a small militia here before they actually come. When you leave, some of the guards can remain here with me and that will ward off the attacks should they decide to attack me anyway. Du An doesn't necessarily have to go Hui Bin Lou straight away but can lie low at Xiao Jian's house for a while. I'd suggest he stay at Xiao Jian's place altogether but I reckon it's more convenient at Hui Bin Lou. Of course, all of us will have to exercise a lot of vigilance and have a backup plan. I've learned that while we can plan these kinds of things, when it does happen, we'll have to be on our feet and ready to be spontaneous because things never go as we expect them to."

"I agree with that last part," Xiao Jian said. "But I think we can only really know what we could best do as the time comes nearer for us to leave. Sitting here and planning this now doesn't exactly help."

"Though it would help if we did have a plan," Yong Qi pointed out.

"Yong Qi, can you leave the planning of this to us? You stay alive and we'd all be eternally grateful," Er Kang said.

"I take it as an insult that you don't think I'm capable of worrying about this right now. And I'll point out that I am alive," Yong Qi said.

"Well, I'm flattered, not many people get to insult you." Er Kang said, rolling his eyes.

"So where are you going to be during all this?" Xiao Yan Zi asked Er Kang.

"Well, once the guard entourage gets here, I'll go to Hui Bin Lou to tell them about the situation. I'll be fleeting in and out of here, but I will be around in case some one tries to murder you all in your sleep."

"That's not half as funny as it could be considering it could come true, you know," Mei Ru pointed out. "Are we done, though?"

"Pretty much, why?"

She turned to Du An and said quietly, "Can I talk to you, outside?"

Du An looked around and saw that Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi were exchanging a smug look, and both Er Kang and Xiao Jian were trying to keep neutral faces. "Erm…of course."

The four others watched as the couple made their way out of the room. There was a short silence as the door closed behind Du An. Then Xiao Yan Zi burst into giggles.

"Do they think they will actually talk to each other now instead of dancing around each other like nervous kittens like they've been doing ever since we arrived here?" Xiao Jian asked, smiling.

"Well, let's hope so," Er Kang said. Looking at Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi, he added, "I thought you two were stubborn, but they're even worst. I recognised this and I went away for a whole day!"

"Remind me thank Zhang Li then," Yong Qi said with amusement. "I think something about what he's plotting may have been the push she needed to get out of her stubbornness."

Xiao Yan Zi shook her head, grinning. "I'm sure he'd be glad to know he had been able to help his daughter in her happiness."

Soon after that, Xiao Jian and Er Kang left Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi alone.

Xiao Yan Zi sat on the edge of bed silently looking pensively at the wall opposite her.

"What's wrong?" Yong Qi asked.

"Nothing." She sighed. "Just thinking…"

"About…?"

Another sigh. "Xiao Qiao."

"Xiao Qiao?"

"Hmm…"

Yong Qi looked at her suspiciously. "You are not feeling bad for her, are you?"

"A bit."

Yong Qi looked at her in astonishment. "Since when did you start channelling Zi Wei? Xiao Yan Zi, she tried to harm you, and kill our child."

Xiao Yan Zi bit her lip. "I know what she did. And I would never be able to forgive her if she succeeded. But…"

"But?"

"But don't you think she's a poor girl, really? I mean, to be under the power of someone like Zhang Li must be terrifying. What choice does she have really, except follow orders? She must have her own desperation."

"I'm not disputing what you're saying but mustn't there be some moral involved even with following orders?"

"I don't know…how can we judge if we're not in her position?"

"You can't tell me you'd do something like what she tried to do to you, no matter what was at stake."

Xiao Yan Zi looked at him, "Would you, if it were my life at stake?"

"No, I'd rather die first than do something like that or watch you die knowing I can't do anything to stop it. There are worst things than death, you know, and one of the worst would be living and having something like that on your conscience."

"That's all very well now but you can't really know until you really are in the situation, can you? I mean, you can hypothesise now, but how can you really know what you will feel until you are put in that situation? It's like…it's like your making the decision to not tell me about us when I lost my memory. You have your reason for it but to me that reason is completely unreasonable and stupid and I can never understand it. But to you it's different."

"That's different from this, Xiao Yan Zi," Yong Qi shook his head.

"Different how?"

"I believed I was doing you good. Or at least I convinced myself that I was. How could anyone convince themselves that there was some good in killing an unborn child?"

"You convinced yourself you were doing me some good by hurting yourself and annoying virtually everyone around you. Xiao Qiao could have convinced herself that she was doing Mei Ru some good."

"By killing a child?"

"I get your point," Xiao Yan Zi said in frustration, "but can't you see what I'm trying to say? That we might be looking at the situation from a biased point of view and we don't know why she did it?"

"Xiao Yan Zi, it's incredible. You've always been one to take things at face value. How is it that you start diving into analysis now, and about something like this?"

She glared at him. "Oh, thanks."

He smiled for a moment and squeezed her hand. Then he turned serious again, and said, "The point is, no matter what the reason is, it still doesn't make what she tried to do right, fair, or just. No matter what standpoint you're looking from."

"Right or wrong is relative."

Yong Qi let out a frustrated groan. "How is killing an innocent child relatively right? Any child, not just our child."

Xiao Yan Zi couldn't think of answer to this question. "I never said what she did was right, though," she argued stubbornly.

"Then we are arguing a moot point. What she did was wrong, she knew what her punishment would be if she were found out and she did it anyway. She could have made things a little easier for herself by saying who ordered her to do it and why she did it but she didn't. There is no one to save her now. End of story."

"That doesn't mean she isn't to be pitied."

"But there's a difference between pitying her and letting her go unpunished."

"I never said she should go unpunished. I just feel bad because she made such a stupid decision and has to die for it. That I should be the cause of it." Xiao Yan Zi sighed heavily. The she pushed Yong Qi back onto the bed and said decisively, "But what's done cannot be undone. We're arguing in circle with this, you need to rest."

Yong Qi smiled and shook his head. "I'm not complaining."

Meanwhile, Mei Ru and Du An walked out into the garden.

Mei Ru stood in front of Du An, her arms crossed protectively around herself and stared out in front of her for a long time.

"Have you ever wanted something so badly but there's something inside you that is holding you back and you have to fight that something desperately to convince yourself to go after what you want?" She asked quietly, still not looking at him.

"Yes. You," he answered.

"Have you ever known something but try so desperately to deny it from yourself then there comes a time when you realise that it's impossible to be in denial because it's too obvious?"

"Yes. That I love you."

Mei Ru whirled around to face him, her eyes shining with emotions.

"So why is it so hard for me to admit to myself what I want?" she exclaimed. "When both the choices I have now seem to me like selfish choices, why can't I just take the choice that I want? Why is it that every time I feel like letting go, something has to hold me back and I don't even know what that something is?"

They stared at each other for a moment, then Mei Ru diverted her eyes away and whispered resentfully, "Why does Yong Qi have to so right now, of all time?"

"What is he right about?"

"That I am scared. That…I know what my feelings are…but…I can't seem to let myself cope with them. That I'm scared to."

"What are your feelings?"

A long silence. Then, "I love you, and I want to be with you."

There, she said it. She'd gambled it all now, by laying it out there on the open. Never had Mei Ru felt so exposed in her life, and just by stating out loud what they both, and everyone else, knew.

"Why are you saying this now?" Du An asked grimly.

Mei Ru was so startled at his tone that she couldn't answer. He turned away from her at the silence, and said, in an equally dark voice, "Is it because you resent what your father is doing and this is some way to get back at him? Is this your way of punishing him for what he did to Huan Zhu Ge Ge, because he can't be punished another way? If your father didn't order your maid to poison your friend, would you still be stubbornly keeping your feelings to yourself? Do you really want to be with me or is that just a reason to defy your father, Mei Ru?"

"How could you think that?" she asked, shocked. "How could you doubt that I love – "

"I don't doubt that you love me," Du An interrupted her abruptly. "I just doubt your reason for admitting it when these couple of days you have been refusing to, even to yourself. You are not admitting your feelings because of me, Mei Ru, you are admitting them because your father drove you to a point of wanting to defy him again!"

"Or is it because my father drove me to the point of being able to push aside my fears to reach out for what I want?" Mei Ru retorted heatedly. "Because what he nearly did to Xiao Yan Zi made me realise that these four years, when I did what my father wanted me to – marry Yong Qi – I was just submitting to his will, and in the process I was losing myself. I lost everything that made me who I was, once, when I thought I lost you, when _you_ made me think you were dead. And now, to be thrown back into your presence like this, do you know what it's like for me, to suddenly realise you're alive when all this time I thought you were dead? And I keep asking myself why, why we have to go through all this. I don't know what we have to do now to get past this painful situation we're in, because I don't even know what there is left of us, of our relationship anymore."

There was a long silence, then Mei Ru said, more softly, "You're right, I finally admit my feelings now because what my father is doing is driving me to admit them. But this is not for the sake of getting back at him, but to get myself back to who I was before I lost you. I still remember what it was like, then, to live my life around you, and I want to find that life again, because I only realised, now that I've admitted my feelings to myself, how much I missed it. How much I missed you. If I were to walk away from you now, you know life for both us will only be that much harder after this. My father's perseverance, as usual, wears out mine. If I remain where I am now, it doesn't just make the two of us miserable, but puts Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi in danger of my father's ambitions as well, and I can't put them in that position."

He looked at her, still serious. "So what is left of us now, Mei Ru? How could we pick things up again? Could this work, Mei Ru?"

"You don't think it would work between us again." She made this a statement but there was a pleading questioning tone in her voice, as if begging him to contradict what she just said.

His voice softened, "No, I am asking how we could make it work again. It's…it's been so long. Could we go back to what we had before?"

"No," she whispered. "And you know we can't. But we don't necessarily have to go back to the way things were before. We can start over."

"Can you forgive me enough for us to start over?"

"On two conditions. Firstly, if you will forgive me for marrying someone who is not you."

"Considering all things between the two of you, I don't think that will be a problem."

"Secondly," she said softly, stepping closer towards him and looking up at him tenderly, "promise me you will never, no matter how bad things are, no matter what the risks were, no matter what was at stake, let go of me again."

He didn't answer immediately but took a step towards her. They were now standing very close together. There was a long, yet somehow, comforting silence.

"I promise."


	10. Home Again

**Chapter 10: Home Again**

* * *

_Later that day_

"Now that we have all our priorities straightened," Er Kang said, "we ought to start thinking how we're going to go about this whole scheme."

Both he and Xiao Jian had a very amused expression on their faces. Du An stared at the wall unblinkingly with a straight face, and there was the faintest hint of a blush on Mei Ru's cheeks. Xiao Yan Zi caught Yong Qi's eyes; they both turned away from each other, fast, and she bit down on her lip hard to stop herself from giggling.

"Somehow I don't think Mei Ru can quite turn into a butterfly and fly away, could she?" Xiao Yan Zi asked, after she'd composed herself.

"No, we definitely will need a more convincing story than that," Er Kang said.

"You know what I think? I think right now, we need to lay low a bit," Xiao Jian said seriously. "There's been too much attention on you three lately, with the double poisoning attempt. A lot of eyes are still on the three of you, especially Zhang Li will be watching very closely. If we want Mei Ru's escape to be successful, it's best to bid our time a bit, wait till things get relatively normal."

"I was thinking that as well," Er Kang said. "I think the best thing to do now, is to get Du An to Hui Bin Lou and see if he can safely stay there first. Also obviously we should wait till Yong Qi recovers and perhaps even until Xiao Yan Zi gives birth. Not only will that give us time to draw attention away from ourselves and sort out a plan, we're going to need all the hands we can get when we put the plan into action."

He turned seriously to Du An and Mei Ru. "Teasing all aside, do the two of you definitely want this? Are you willing to do what it takes, and that includes waiting, to pull this off?"

The couple looked at each other. At the same time, Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi glanced at each other and held their breaths. Then both Du An and Mei Ru said resolutely, "Yes."

"Good, now what we need is a plan," Xiao Yan Zi grinned.

"I have an idea…but it will need some working on, and I still need to check on some things to see if it would work and that will have to wait till we get back to the palace," Yong Qi mused.

"Do you want to tell us what your idea is?" Xiao Yan Zi asked when he didn't elaborate.

"No, not really, not yet. But I do have the beginning of a plan."

"Is it any good?" Er Kang asked, half jokingly.

Yong Qi looked affronted. "What do you mean, is it any good? You're not the only one who can scheme and strategise among us, you know."

"You know, what ever it is, chances are he'd been cooking up this plan ever since he became conscious and realised where he was and who Du An was. I'm sure he can't wait to get rid of me," Mei Ru said dryly. Yong Qi didn't answer but just smiled unfathomably at her.

"I'd say," Xiao Yan Zi said quietly, catching Mei Ru's eyes and they both tried not to laugh.

Du An spoke up, "I think Fu Da ye – "

"It's Er Kang!" Xiao Yan Zi, Yong Qi, Xiao Jian and Er Kang all corrected in unison. Mei Ru laughed.

"Honestly, _seriously_, if you want to do this, you have to call us by name," Er Kang said. "This could potential be a life and death situation we'd be moving through and it's a bit uncomfortable for you to always say Da ye this and Ge Ge that, don't you think?"

"Fine," Du An sighed, resigned. "I think _Er Kang_ has a good point, that we should wait until _Yong Qi_ recovers and _Xiao Yan Zi_ gives birth." He took care to emphasise their names. "As we can't do anything right now anyway, we might as well delay the planning until when we know all of us are – well – alive to carry it out."

"And we might want to include Zi Wei and Qing Er in our planning. I don't think they'd be too happy if we kept them out of something this big," Xiao Jian pointed out. "Not to mention Liu Qing, Liu Hong and Jin Suo, considering they're going to be housing Du An and all."

"In the mean while, now that you _two_ are finally speaking to each other, I'm sure you'll have things to keep yourselves occupied," Yong Qi said cheekily, looking at Mei Ru and Du An.

Mei Ru sighed, "You're never going to let me live this down, are you?"

"No."

They all laughed. There was some light-hearted banter until Xiao Yan Zi turned to Er Kang and asked, "What's your plan for tonight and tomorrow?"

"Well I'll go back early tomorrow morning to get the guards. Why?"

"Is there a date set yet for Xiao Qiao's execution?"

Yong Qi groaned. "Xiao Yan Zi, not again."

"It's set for three days from now. Again, why?"

"Can you get Huang Ah Ma to defer the date? I want to speak to her before…"

"Why would you want to speak to her?" Xiao Jian looked at his sister in astonishment.

"Because she pities the girl," Yong Qi said exasperatedly.

"You pity her?" Er Kang claimed, staring at Xiao Yan Zi. "What on earth for, pray tell? Even Zi Wei doesn't have much pity to spare for her, why should you?"

"She was just acting under orders," Xiao Yan Zi shrugged helplessly.

"If you take her words then she was not, actually. Either way, though, she was trying to..."

"There's no need to remind me of what she was trying to do," Xiao Yan Zi interrupted Er Kang impatiently. "It's just that…I can't explain it. I just want to talk to her…see if I can convince her to…say why she did it."

"Knowing why wouldn't save her life, if that's what you're intending," Er Kang said flatly.

"I know it won't," she said impatiently. "I just need to talk to her, all right? Can you just get Huang Ah Ma to defer the date until I can talk to her?"

"Actually I want a chance to speak to her as well," Mei Ru broke in. "Though for quite a different reason from Xiao Yan Zi, but still. I want to hear from her to me why she did it. I think her answer to me might be a bit different from what she'd tell you."

"I'll see what I can do to convince Huang Ah Ma then."

"Though just so you know, if I do get to see her, she's coming to me at Jing Yang Gong. There's no way I'm going to set foot in Zhong Ren Fu again if I could help it, even if I do joke that it's my second home and everything," Xiao Yan Zi said with a shudder.

Er Kang chuckled. "I don't think that would be too much of a problem. Huang Ah Ma is not about to send you to Zhong Ren Fu any time soon, especially not in your condition."

* * *

"Well, you're giddy tonight," Yong Qi commented later that night to Xiao Yan Zi when it was just the two of them together. She had been smiling to herself for most of the evening.

She grinned at him. "Of course. We finally have something exciting to look forward to, now that Mei Ru and Du An have gotten themselves together."

"You mean the fact that you're having my baby in three months wasn't exciting enough for you?" he teased.

"You know what I mean," she pouted. "It's nice to be able to feel happy for them instead of being annoyed at them for being so stubborn."

"Yes, it is. Though I think I owe Mei Ru a big apology, now that I know the annoyance she must have endured trying to get us together."

"It does come back hitting you straight in the face, doesn't it?" Xiao Yan Zi giggled.

"For Mei Ru as well, I think."

"Ah well…at least now we're all on the same page with the same motives in mind. Speaking of motives, you really are not telling me what your plan is?"

"All right, all right, I'll tell you. Mind you, a lot of it is very probable and I still have to check on a lot of things. Either way, we won't be able to put it into action until next year, though."

"Next _year_? So far off? The new year's just begun!"

"Well, the idea is that Huang Ah Ma is planning to go on a trip to Hangzhou next year."

"A trip?" Xiao Yan Zi cried excitedly. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because it's still in the planning stage, this trip."

"Why is it in planning _now_ when the trip is not till _next year_?"

"Because this isn't a trip like the one we took last time. Last time we dressed up as commoners and went on the trip secretly. This time, Huang Ah Ma is planning a much larger-scale trip. This is going to be a very publicised trip, with whole armies of guards and servants and everything, where Huang Ah Ma will officially be touring the country. As the Emperor. Obviously this is going to be a nightmare of planning, since we have to inform the magistrates of every town and place we go past for them prepare proper accommodation, not to mention prepare the guards and everything. Fu Lun and Er Kang, actually, are in charge of the planning of all of this, and a lot of it is still in very early planning stages."

"What? We're not disguising as commoners? What's the fun in that? I mean, if Huang Ah Ma is going to inspect the country to see how it's doing, he shouldn't announce that he's coming! Everyone would make sure everything looks wonderful and perfect for his inspection and then he would never see any problem."

Yong Qi laughed. "Officially it's an inspection tour but I think Huang Ah Ma is looking forward more to a vacation. Oh, by the way, you're not supposed to know about this till much later so don't say too much about it when we get home."

"Why am I not supposed to know about it?" she asked, chagrined.

"Because Huang Ah Ma was planning to surprise you with it, considering we are going to Hangzhou, your birthplace and all, but if we're going to be planning Mei Ru's escape, you're going to need to know much earlier than Huang Ah Ma intends for you to know. That's another reason why the trip's not till next year. Huang Ah Ma wants you to be able to go. But will you _want_ to go?"

"What do you mean, will I want to go? Why wouldn't I?"

He placed a hand on her stomach. "The baby would only be nine months old then, Xiao Yan Zi," he reminded her with a smile.

"Oh, right. But I want to go though, I want to go. Xiao Jian promised me ages ago that he'd take me to Hangzhou one day and I want to…I want to visit my parents'…grave. I've never…" she trailed off sadly.

Yong Qi took her hand and squeezed it. "I know," he said softly.

"Can we bring the baby along? Please? Huang Ah Ma wants me to go, and I want to go. Even if I don't go, Huang Ah Ma would want you to go, and I don't want to be away from you. We can all go, can't we? From what you've described, we'd be bringing half the palace servants along anyway, so it wouldn't be that much trouble. And if we're going to visit my parents, I want them to meet the baby."

"Well, Huang Ah Ma and I did talk about that, and that was one option we were considering. We'll see how it goes. Anyway, the trip is planned for six months anyway and I don't think we should leave the baby at home alone for so long. And I don't want to go alone; I'd miss both of you too much."

"You can be so sweet at times, you know?"

Yong Qi raised an eyebrow. "Sweet? That sounds a bit feminine."

"Well, sometimes you are an annoying and insensitive wet blanket too concerned with your macho manliness and meaning of words when I'm trying to compliment you." Xiao Yan Zi glared at him.

"Sweet…just that no one has ever called me sweet before." He wrinkled his nose.

"Good, I'd need to know if anyone ever called you something like sweet before, because chances are if someone had, it would be someone female. I can't imagine Er Kang referring to you as sweet, really."

"See? It is a feminine adjective."

"No it's not, it's just _used_ by females. And only I'm allowed to call you that."

"Wouldn't dream of wanting to hear such a compliment from anyone else, love," Yong Qi chuckled.

"You're still an insensitive prat sometimes."

"But you love me for it."

"Since when?" she asked in mock surprise.

"What? You don't love me? I'm injured and stuck in bed; I reckon I deserve some love, don't I?"

"No, because you've been very bad, you still haven't told me what your plan is."

"I'm getting to it. You really have no patience."

"If you weren't injured I'd hit you for that, so count yourself lucky," she glared at him.

"What? I was just stating a fact!"

Xiao Yan Zi gave a disdainful sniff. "I call you sweet and you tell me I have no patience. That's nice."

"All right, all right, I'm sorry..." He took her hand and kissed her fingers, before adding with a grin, "…for saying it but it's true but if it weren't true you wouldn't be the Xiao Yan Zi I hopelessly adore."

"Oh, how do you do that?" She pouted. "Every time I want to get mad at you, you say something incredibly sweet – there it is again – and I can't stay mad at you."

"Call me a genius. It's my defence mechanism, otherwise you'd be mad at me and you're scary when you're mad, you know that?"

"Oh great, I've no patience and I'm scary. What is this? Point-out-my-bad-traits day?"

"No, it's point-out-your-bad-traits-and-still-love-you-for-t hem day," he grinned at her. "Actually, that's everyday."

She couldn't help but smile back. "That was definitely sweet. But anyway, your plan?"

"Sweet," he muttered, shaking his head. Then, clearing his throat, he finally got them back to what they were discussing before. "Anyway, I'm sure we can figure out a way for you to go on this trip somehow. The point is, Hangzhou. Usually when Huang Ah Ma goes on trips to Hangzhou he stays in boat houses on West Lake. The gist of my idea is that West Lake is a large lake. There's plenty of ways Mei Ru can…drown, so to speak, and we will be unable to find her body. Especially at night."

"You are a genius!" This put a smug look on Yong Qi's face. "No, really, that's perfect. They could go off together, we could say she drowned, there's no way we'd be able to search the whole lake for a body, there'd be a funeral where we shed some tears but inwardly delight in the success and everyone lives happily ever after. No having to prove and swear on each other's lives that she really turned into a butterfly."

"Well, that's the idea, anyway. There are still lots of planning for us to do. We still have to check when the trip is exactly, who's going and how the guards will be distributed and things like that, to plan how Mei Ru can "drown". And yes, I do have to check whether Zhang Li is going to be on this trip, because if he is, which is extremely probable, he'd be keeping an annoyingly close watch on us. It's best anyway, to plan out everything we can before hand so we can be prepared on the trip since I have a feeling, at some point or another, we'd all be rather distracted and preoccupied on this trip, including Huang Ah Ma, considering we are going to be heading for Hangzhou and we are going to go through Shandong."

"Shandong? We're going to go through Jinan, aren't we?"

"Yes. Somehow I think this is going to more of a visiting trip than an inspection trip."

"Hmmm…" She sighed. "I just wonder how it's going to be…this trip. There's going to be so much emotion and we're going to be adding more drama into the mix."

"A mix for mayhem, I can already tell," Yong Qi smiled. "But really, I should be used to it by now. From the moment I met you, it's been nothing but mayhem. It's certainly made life interesting and less monotonous."

"Of course, I take away the monotony of your brothers backstabbing you for the throne and people out to kill you. I just get you into situations where you risk your life yourself instead."

"At least then I'm risking my life for something that's worth it. I'd give my life for you rather than the throne any day."

"That was very – " she started.

Yong Qi rolled his eyes and interrupted, "Xiao Yan Zi! Don't say it!"

" – sweet," she said sweetly. Yong Qi just shook his head.

"I think I'll just shut up now if I don't want to risk being called sweet one more time," he chuckled.

"There's nothing wrong with being sweet. A lot of women would give rather a lot to hear the sweet things you say to me being said to them by their husband, you know. "

"The word is getting to be a little overused, _sweet_heart."

"Never! Such a wonderful word is never overused. And you just used it," Xiao Yan Zi pointed out with a grin.

"I know. It's your fault."

"I know." She smiled and kissed him.

When they slowly parted, Yong Qi said, "That was very – " He caught her laughing eyes and they both finished the sentence in great amusement, " – sweet!"

* * *

The remainder of their stay at Du An's house was uneventful after Er Kang went back to the palace and brought a group of two dozen guards who stationed around the house constantly. Er Kang also managed to convince Qian Long to let Xiao Qiao live until Xiao Yan Zi and Mei Ru could return to the palace to speak to her.

Meanwhile, the remaining twelve days passed almost like a dream to Mei Ru as the buried and forgotten bliss of happiness seeped back into her, making her feel almost drunk.

"So, how are you two this morning?" Xiao Yan Zi asked Mei Ru and Du An the morning Er Kang went back to the palace to get the guards. She put much emphasis on the 'two' and was smiling archly at them. Yong Qi seemed to be dissolved in coughs.

"Oh grow up, Xiao Yan Zi. I didn't tease you, you know," Mei Ru rolled her eyes.

"I know. And it was your loss, really. No one stopped you."

Mei Ru simply gave both of them a withering look which sent Xiao Yan Zi into a fit of giggles.

"I hope there won't be any need for me to defend Mei Ru's honour, Du An," Yong Qi said with a perfectly straight and serious face, raising an eyebrow at Du An, who looked torn between embarrassment, horror and amusement. Xiao Yan Zi pressed her lips tightly together to stop herself laughing.

"As if either of you are in any shape to defend anything right now," Mei Ru muttered under her breath.

"No, but that's the perk of being an Ah Ge, you have lackeys like Er Kang to do the fighting for you," Yong Qi joked.

"You go call Er Kang a lackey to his face and he'll probably fight you," Mei Ru laughed.

Yong Qi shrugged simply and grinned. "Which is why I have no intention of ever doing that."

"You call that a perk? What's the fun if you have to stand back and let others do the fighting? It's annoying, if you ask me," Xiao Yan Zi scoffed.

"Only you would think that, Xiao Yan Zi," Yong Qi said, shaking his head. "Anyway, what are we going to do once we get back to the palace?"

"What do you mean what are we going to do?" Mei Ru asked. "You have a plan which you are refusing to let the rest of us know about, but whatever it is, I assume it's not going to take place any time soon."

"Exactly. If we take Xiao Jian and Er Kang's idea of laying low for a while, I thought we might want to work out a way of getting the two of you to see each other in that time. Though I think it might look a little suspicious if you suddenly went to Hui Bin Lou on a regular basis with us."

"But I think you can still see each other at Xiao Jian's house," Xiao Yan Zi pondered. "You can always accompany me to see Qing Er and meet Du An there."

"And it's not suspicious that I'm suddenly coming with you to Fang residence?"

"Well, it's not as if either Huang Ah Ma or Yong Qi is going to let met go anywhere by myself now anyway, so that can be your excuse, that you're taking me."

"You're all taking this very matter-of-factly. Am I the only one who finds this strange?" Du An asked.

"What?"

"That you're being so casual about planning how to sneak Mei Ru out of the palace to meet me and looking forward to planning for us to elope."

Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi looked at each other and laughed. "Trust me, this is normal for us," Xiao Yan Zi assured him.

"Xiao Yan Zi would die of boredom, or wreck outrageous havoc in the palace if she didn't have a dangerous liaison to cover up, some great escape to plan and a secret to keep."

"As if she doesn't wreck havoc anyway," Mei Ru said.

"That's not fair! You two are ganging up on me. And Zi Wei is not here to defend me!"

"Somehow I don't think even Zi Wei would defend you against that truth, Xiao Yan Zi," an amused Er Kang said from the doorway.

"You're back."

"Yes, I left Xiao Jian with debriefing the guards about the area around here and dividing the shifts and so on. And by the way, your favourite sister is very worried about you and wishes she could come and see you," he told Yong Qi.

"Ok, tell Qi Ge Ge that was very nice of her," Yong Qi joked.

"Haha," Er Kang said, shaking his head.

"Why didn't you bring Zi Wei anyway?" Xiao Yan Zi asked.

"Because Huang Ah Ma wouldn't let her come. Actually both Zi Wei and Qing Er, who is still at my house, wanted to come see how you all were doing, but Huang Ah Ma said no. And I agree, really, it wouldn't do to draw attention to the fact that you were staying here."

"As if the fact you've just brought two dozen imperial guards here didn't draw attention?"

"No, the guards could be here for any reason. This area could be quarantined for some random reason. But having Zi Wei and Qing Er come here would make it rather obvious that they came here to see you. Right now, as far as anyone outside knows, you three are staying at Hui Bin Lou. It would hardly matter when we leave if it came out that we weren't at Hui Bin Lou all this time but for now it's safer to let everyone think that we're at Hui Bin Lou. This means that just for appearance, Hui Bin Lou is closed and not doing business for the time being, and there are a few guards around there as well."

"All that for the sake of appearance?" Du An asked incredulously.

"You'll be surprised at what the palace can do just for appearance," Yong Qi said. "Though mind you, anyone that knows us would find that Hui Bin Lou closing simply because I'm supposed to be there and injured is more strange than normal. If we were really at Hui Bin Lou, we'd be up in our rooms in the back and Hui Bin Lou would continue business like normal."

"Yeah, so it's good that no one actually know us and our activities at Hui Bin Lou that well. Anyway, the Liu's are probably enjoying their vacation, really. No work for ten days and still live comfortably on someone else's money and high-security protection around the clock? I'm sure they're not complaining. Though they are worried about you," he added.

"Whose money?" Xiao Yan Zi asked curiously.

"Huang Ah Ma's," Er Kang said with a smile.

"So I take it you've spoken to them?" Yong Qi asked.

"Yeah, I've explained the situation. As usual they're happy to help, keep the secret and die if necessary." The last part was added half as a joke.

"Well let's hope we don't get to the last bit," Yong Qi said dryly.

* * *

"Is it just me or has our stay here been too smooth?" Xiao Yan Zi asked the morning of the day they were due to leave Du An's house to go back to the palace. They were planning to leave at dusk later that day. "I mean, no one ever tried to attack or murder us or anything."

"Too smooth? I would think we should be grateful that no one did try to kill us," Mei Ru said, shaking her head. "And considering how guarded we were these last twelve days, obviously no assassin was be stupid enough to try."

"I still think it's too good to be true. Things shouldn't work out so well like this, they never do!" Xiao Yan Zi insisted.

"You're paranoid," Er Kang said, shaking his head.

"You tell me when our schemes have gone completely to plan? You name me one time when it all worked as we planned!"

"Sneaking Han Xiang out of the palace?"

"Qing Er saved you on that."

"We managed to sneak you out of the palace often enough pretty smoothly," Yong Qi pointed out with a smile.

"But we always get caught coming back."

"Why are you so agitated that no one's tried to kill you?" Er Kang asked disbelievingly.

"Because if someone is out to kill us, why did they suddenly just gave up and not try again?"

"Maybe it's because they only attempted when you were relatively unprotected and now that you are no longer unprotected, they are a little more cautious? Honestly, Xiao Yan Zi, you shouldn't be worrying your head on this, all right? I'm Yu Tian Shi Wei, remember? I'm supposed be the one worrying about this and protecting you."

Xiao Yan Zi huffed but ceased the argument.

"You know I almost wanted you to say 'you shouldn't be worrying your pretty little head'. That would certainly get her arguing more with you," Yong Qi said thoughtfully.

"Yeah, that's why I didn't say it. I don't think either you or Zi Wei would appreciate the fact that I find her head, little or otherwise, pretty." Er Kang smirked. "And only you would ever want to get into more of an argument with Xiao Yan Zi, you know. I reckon it's your way of flirting."

"Erm – I'm still here and I can hear you," Xiao Yan Zi said.

"We know," they both said in unison. Mei Ru laughed while Du An looked as if he didn't know whether he should laugh.

"They're odd, get used to it," Mei Ru told Du An.

"Anyway, let's get back to serious business, people," Er Kang cleared his throat. "Tonight, I'm sure you'll be all right. You'll be escorted to your doors by highly skilled guards so I don't think there should be any problems. I'll be staying back here for a little while to hold off whoever, if any, that may want to attack Du An – "

"We know this already," Xiao Yan Zi said.

"And I'm just going over the plan. I'll meet you all back at Xiao Jian's house. And…"

"And we go back to the palace tomorrow morning. End of. Stop worrying. It's not going to stop whatever unforeseen disaster from happening!" Mei Ru said.

* * *

The ominous "unforeseen disaster" Mei Ru referred to didn't happen. The trip from Du An's house to Fang residence, with Xiao Jian, Yong Qi, Xiao Yan Zi and Du An in the carriage and the guards outside, had gone totally without a problem. Chen Tai yi had gone home earlier in the day.

"We're there already?" Xiao Yan Zi asked, surprised, sticking her head out the window to see Fang residence as the carriage slowed to a halt.

"Yes. I told you nothing would happen," Xiao Jian said calmly, as Xiao Yan Zi had fidgeted restlessly for most the trip.

The front gate of the house was brightly lit with torches as the five of them descended from the carriage. They barely made it through the gate when both Qing Er and Zi Wei ran out to meet them.

"You arrived," Zi Wei exclaimed breathlessly as she took Xiao Yan Zi's hand.

"Did you expect us not to?" Xiao Yan Zi joked.

"We're just relieved," Qing Er said. "But anyway, catch up in the house, not the court yard."

When they all arrived in the parlour and have sat down, Yong Qi began with the introductions.

"Ladies, this is Du An, who saved my life and who is Mei Ru's Meng Dan, so to speak."

Mei Ru gave him a look, which he shrugged at. Zi Wei and Qing Er just looked amused.

"And Du An, this is Zi Wei, my sister, Er Kang's wife and Qing Er, my cousin, Xiao Jian's wife."

"One of many," Qing Er muttered.

"One of many what? Cousins? Or wives?" Xiao Yan Zi teased.

"Cousins," Qing Er said with a chuckle. Then she looked shrewdly at Xiao Jian, "unless there's something I don't know."

"No, dear," Xiao Jian shook his head furiously. Zi Wei and Xiao Yan Zi just caught each other's eyes and laughed.

"Why are you here, anyway?" Yong Qi asked Zi Wei.

"I come all the way from Xue Si Fu to here to meet you and see how you're doing and you're questioning it?" she feinted a hurt expression.

"All the way from Xue Si Fu," Xiao Yan Zi sniffed. "How far is that? Half a li and on a carriage?"

"Distance is immaterial," Zi Wei dismissed with a wave of her hand, smiling. "The point is I came to see my favourite fifth brother."

"You only have one fifth brother, Zi Wei," Yong Qi pointed out.

"Precisely the only reason why you're my favourite fifth brother," Zi Wei said with a smile and a hint of impertinence.

Xiao Jian shook his head as everyone else laughed. "You've been around my sister for too long, Zi Wei."

"Yes, I've been a very good influence, haven't I?" Xiao Yan Zi said, grinning.

"Wonderful," Zi Wei agreed.

They all settled down to some talking until Er Kang arrived, unscathed, much to everyone's, but particularly Zi Wei's, thankfulness.

"Actually we were right in our prediction. After you left and I told the remaining guards to hide themselves so it looked like I was alone, I sensed some movements around the house. I deliberately stood in front of the house, making myself visible. Reports from the guards told me that there were a group of people dressed in black, armed and masked lurking around the house but they retreated when they saw me. Obviously that means their target was indeed Du An and they retreated when they saw me. I have no idea who they were acting for but I think it's safe to assume that Zhang Li or whoever was after Du An now knows he is no longer there. And we definitely should keep our heads down for the time being."

"So what happens tomorrow?" Qing Er asked.

"Tomorrow, they, " Xiao Jian said, indicating Yong Qi, Xiao Yan Zi and Mei Ru, "go back to Jing Yang Gong, Er Kang and Zi Wei back to Xue Si Fu and I take Du An to Hui Bin Lou. Once everyone is settled, we'll discuss when we're meeting to discuss our next move."

"Do you think someone would be watching us in the meantime?" Zi Wei wondered.

"I think if, as if there's even a question of if, my father is behind this, he'd be watching me, not you. It's easier to keep track of what I'm doing instead of keeping track of all of you," Mei Ru said.

"Well, either way we'd just have to be careful about what we're doing and keep our eyes open," Er Kang said.

"Speaking of keep our eyes open, it's nearing midnight, we all should get some rest," Qing Er reminded them.

* * *

The next morning, they all went to their proper places. For the next few days, everyone was focused with settling in, making sure that Du An's staying at Hui Bin Lou was not creating any problems for the Liu's and treating Yong Qi's injury.

The day after they've returned to the palace, Qian Long came to Jing Yang Gong. After visiting Yong Qi and being assured that he was feeling better, the emperor pulled both Mei Ru and Xiao Yan Zi into the study.

"Er Kang told me you both want to speak to Xiao Qiao before she is executed?" he asked grimly.

They looked at each other for a brief moment then turned back to him. "Yes," Mei Ru said determinedly.

"Are you sure, Xiao Yan Zi?" he asked again, looking piercingly at her.

"Huang Ah Ma, I know…I know it will be hard to face her…knowing what she tried to do…but I feel I need to do this."

Qian Long sighed and nodded. "All right, if both of you are sure, I'll have her brought here tomorrow."

"Thank you, Huang Ah Ma."

* * *

_That night_

"Are you all right?" Yong Qi asked when Xiao Yan Zi turned restlessly beside him.

"Yes, I'm fine."

"Xiao Yan Zi, Xiao Qiao is really not worth you losing sleep over."

"I'm just…I don't know…"

"You don't have to see her."

"I do. I will. I'll be all right. I'm just nervous. About what I'll feel."

"Do you want me there with you tomorrow?"

"No, it's fine. You just stay in bed. Besides, Mei Ru will be there anyway."

"Xiao Yan Zi…"

"No, Yong Qi. I know you don't want to see her anyway. I'll be all right. I promise."

"Just don't force yourself through anything, Xiao Yan Zi."

"I know. Don't worry."

* * *

_The next morning_

A pair of guards brought in a Xiao Qiao dressed in prison uniform into the study of Jing Yang Gong where both Mei Ru and Xiao Yan Zi were waiting. Xiao Qiao's hands were tied behind her back. The guards forced her to kneel down on the ground before releasing her and standing back.

"Leave us," Mei Ru ordered.

"But Fu Jin – " one of the guards protested.

"She's tied up, she can't do anything," Xiao Yan Zi said shortly. "Go. Don't come in till we call you."

The guards hesitated for a moment before stepping out the room and closing the doors behind them.

There was a strained silence as Xiao Qiao looked up defiantly at them, still kneeling on the ground.

Mei Ru looked at the girl who had followed her from her childhood home to here, the girl who had, for the last four years, ceaselessly spied on her, watching her every move. But how could she had done it? How could she had blindly followed orders to do such a deed? How could she had followed orders to kill an innocent unborn child?

"Stand up and sit down," Xiao Yan Zi said neutrally, indicating a chair opposite from her and Mei Ru.

Xiao Qiao sniffed contemptuously and stared coldly at her. But she remained kneeling.

"Fine," Xiao Yan Zi said coolly. She looked at Mei Ru, who shrugged. Xiao Yan Zi took a deep breath. "Now, Xiao Qiao, no one is here with us. You're going to die anyway. So you might as well be honest with us. Who ordered you to do it?"

"Am I supposed to answer you?" she asked back rudely.

Xiao Yan Zi sighed. "As I asked the question, it's customary that you'd answer me, Xiao Qiao."

"To you? No one ordered me to do it. I planned it for myself."

"Fine, answer me then," Mei Ru snapped. "Did my father order you to do it?"

Xiao Qiao turned her eyes slowly to her mistress. They stared at each other for a long time.

"What if I say yes, Si Xiao jie?" Xiao Qiao asked back quietly. "What would you do? Would you report him, Xiao jie? Would you put your whole family's lives in danger for truth, for justice?"

"I asked you so that you would answer me, not talk back to me with questions," Mei Ru said coldly, holding a steady glare.

"As Ge Ge here so aptly put it, I'm going to die anyway. Why does it matters whether I answer you or not?"

"Do not test my patience, girl," Mei Ru said. "I might have put up with you before but not anymore. You are not afraid of death, but are you afraid of a half life that is neither death nor life?"

Xiao Qiao just sneered. "I know you, Xiao jie. You might not have much sympathy for your father, but you do care about your mother and your family as a whole. I could tell you that Lao ye did order me to poison Ge Ge's soup and you wouldn't do anything, would you? You wouldn't report him, because you know if it was put to light, the whole family would suffer. Good people are so easy to predict, Xiao jie."

"Did my father order you to do it, or did he not? A yes or no will do, Xiao Qiao," Mei Ru said through gritted teeth.

There was a silence. Then, "Yes."

The syllable rang through the air. Even though both Mei Ru and Xiao Yan Zi predicted it, both were still shocked to hear it.

"How could you do it?" Xiao Yan Zi asked weakly, shaking her head. "How? Tell me how you could have ever even considered taking part in killing an innocent child?"

"I reminded myself of the good it would do," she said simply.

"Good? Good?" Xiao Yan Zi questioned, her voice rising shrilly. "What good could possibly come – " Here she broke off, words failing her. She looked at Xiao Qiao with wide eyes, herself trembling. Mei Ru ran her hand down Xiao Yan Zi's back soothingly, turning away from Xiao Qiao. There was too much danger of her strangling the girl with her bare hands if she looked into her defiant eyes.

"That child would ruin every prospect for Xiao jie should it be a boy," Xiao Qiao said calmly.

"As if you care about me," Mei Ru said bitterly.

"I do."

"You do? You care about me by trying to harm one of my friends?"

"She is not your friend, Xiao jie, she is your rival."

"I'll thank you to let me sort out my relationships for myself," Mei Ru retorted.

"You've got your relationship and priorities all wrong, Xiao jie. How could you not see that? All your father had done for you is to help you to get to a status where you cannot be hurt by anything, a place of high prestige and power. All he ever wanted was good things for you. Yet you despise him. And her, you could do with much better friends than her – "

"I think he and I have a very different definition of what 'good' is, Xiao Qiao," Mei Ru interrupted coldly. "As for you, you might have done better to sort out where you place your loyalty."

"I placed my loyalty in the right place, on the person who wanted the best for you, because I care about you."

"Really? In case you haven't noticed, placing your loyalty on my father led you to death. Why my father, Xiao Qiao, when you were serving me? I could have protected you from my father. Once we were in the palace, my father couldn't harm you any more. Why?"

"Jin Yun defied Lao ye and suffered for it."

"But she's not dead."

"You have a father who does everything that he can to get you the best. I never had that!" Xiao Qiao exclaimed, raising her voice suddenly. For the first time, there was vulnerability in her eyes. "You do, yet you go and defy him at every turn. You really don't know how good you have it, Xiao jie."

Mei Ru stared at her for a moment. She didn't know if she should feel sorry for Xiao Qiao. "Perhaps it's because what my father thinks is good for me is not really so," she said quietly. "Just because my father doesn't trust me to decide what I want, what is best for me, why should you have done the same? Why could you not have trusted me enough to make decisions about my own life if it's really true that you care for me? Why must you implicitly follow my father's orders without any consideration for what is right and wrong?"

"I grew up in Lao ye's house. As a servant, yes, but he took me in and fed me and gave me a place to grow up. I owe him my loyalty."

"That doesn't have to mean do everything he says regardless of moral. Especially when he couldn't do anything to you if you defy him considering you are now in employment of Jing Yang Gong," Mei Ru said in frustration. There was a pause. Then Mei Ru continued, looking at Xiao Qiao sharply, "You really don't believe what you did was right."

"I do."

Both Mei Ru and Xiao Yan Zi gaped at her.

"Well, I certainly don't know where you learnt your right and wrong, Xiao Qiao. Either you must have missed a few crucial lessons or you learnt it from someone incredibly delusional. Not even my father could justify murder of an innocent unborn baby as right."

Xiao Qiao just stared back at her. Mei Ru looked steadily at her for a long moment, before turning away. She faced Xiao Yan Zi and looked questioningly at her. Xiao Yan Zi just shook her head. Mei Ru sighed and called for the guards, who came in to take Xiao Qiao away.

"One day, Xiao jie," Xiao Qiao said quietly, "I hope you will realise that your father does want the best for you."

Then she was dragged away by the guards.

"Sure, he wants the best for me, but why? For my best interest or for the interest of his power, position and prestige? That's the difference, isn't it?" Mei Ru muttered to no one in particular as the door closed again behind the guards.

"Well…that was unexpected," Xiao Yan Zi said faintly. "She really does believe that she was doing the right thing."

"She may believe it, but it's not," Mei Ru said flatly.

"I know…but there's still something very sad about her."

Mei Ru looked up and met Xiao Yan Zi's eyes. "Oh, I don't want to feel sorry for her," Mei Ru exclaimed. "But I'm bordering on it…She's just so delusional that it's pitiful. So incredible…naïve in a way."

"I guess I can begin to see her reason," Xiao Yan Zi said, "in a mad kind of way."

"Well, I'm glad she thinks what she did was right. Then at least she's dying without regret."

* * *

"How was it?" Yong Qi asked when Xiao Yan Zi went into the bedroom much later. She had deliberately stayed away to calm herself after the interview with Xiao Qiao before going to see Yong Qi.

"Enlightening. At least now I know why she did it," Xiao Yan Zi said, sighing.

"Why?"

"In ultimate, but very deluded loyalty to Zhang Li. And in a very odd belief that it was the best thing for Mei Ru. Well, however delusional she may be, you do have to credit her for loyalty."

"If you say so," Yong Qi said.

"We can never consider what she did is right…but she does. So how do we dispute that? If she really believes it through her own reasoning, how to do we say that her reasoning is wrong and convince her of that? Right and wrong is very relative, you know."

"Xiao Yan Zi, please, not again with the relative argument."

"Well, it's true. She obviously has faith in her belief that what she did was right. How do we prove faith? Faith is such an intangible, improvable thing. If we can come to empirical proof for faith, then it wouldn't be faith anymore, would it? It would then be...a fact. How can we justify faith? How can we say that faith is either right or wrong? She has faith that what she did would ultimate be doing Mei Ru good…can we say that she is wrong?"

"I have a feeling you are arguing around in a circle, but Xiao Yan Zi, the ultimate question is, as I said before, how could killing an innocent unborn child ever be considered right?"

"Xiao Qiao believes it's right because she believes that it will do Mei Ru good. It is right from her point of view, because her ultimate loyalty lies with Mei Ru…or rather, what Zhang Li thinks is good for Mei Ru. Of course from our point of view, it will never be right…but we can't disprove her belief, can we? I'm just saying that to her, it was the right thing. And she obviously knows that she'd die if she got caught and she was willing to risk that. Doesn't that kind of remind you of what we did for Han Xiang? We hurt Huang Ah Ma, we risked death, helping Han Xiang, because we believed it was the right thing. To Huang Ah Ma, it can never be the right thing."

"That…is a very odd comparison, Xiao Yan Zi. Though I will point out we never tried to kill anyone."

"No, but still, it's a similar situation, isn't it?"

"If, hypothetically, I accept that it is similar, what's your conclusion?"

"That Huang Ah Ma was able to accept our actions, and forgive us. We should be able to do the same and forgive Xiao Qiao."

"There's a difference between Huang Ah Ma forgiving us for helping his concubine elope and us forgiving Xiao Qiao for nearly killing our child, Xiao Yan Zi. Huang Ah Ma has twenty odd other concubines. How many children do we have? And yes, before you say anything, I do realise that Huang Ah Ma did love Han Xiang, and it wasn't quite the purely physical relationship he has with his other concubines."

"All right, the magnitudes of the situations are definitely not the same, but still, can you see where I'm coming from? Ok look at it this way, if I'm able to forgive Huang Ah Ma for having ordered my whole family's deaths, why shouldn't I forgive Xiao Qiao? She's going to die anyway, she's paying for what she almost did already. If we don't forgive her, we will have to remember what she _almost_ did, and isn't that just more burdens for us? Forgiveness is a virtue, right?"

"You're convincing me," Yong Qi said slowly.

"Ether way, she's going to die. She's hardly going to be bothered if we don't forgive her," Xiao Yan Zi concluded with a shrug.

"You are incredible, you know that?" Yong Qi said, looking at her with wonder. "You never cease to amaze me. How do you come up with all this?"

"I don't know," she said pensively. "I just realised, after all the near disasters we faced lately, that Heaven must be watching over us. We should be grateful for that instead of dwelling on what almost happened."

They both were silent for a long while, both lost in their own thoughts. Then Yong Qi asked abruptly, "Did she really say that she believes what she did was right?"

"Yes, she said she believes she was doing the right thing."

"Well, good for her, then," Yong Qi muttered.

"That's what Mei Ru said. No regrets."

"No regrets," Yong Qi echoed, shaking his head.


	11. A Family Complete

**Chapter 11: A Family Complete**

* * *

They faced the day of Xiao Qiao's execution, two days later, with mixed feelings, including pity for the servant girl. They didn't speak of it and all tried to distract themselves from the knowledge of what that day was. Total forgiveness hadn't register to all of them then, on that day, not even for Xiao Yan Zi, despite all her reasoning on it. But it would gradually come.

It wasn't until almost ten days later that they met in Fang residence to discuss their next plans.

Yong Qi, whose wound was almost completely healed, Xiao Yan Zi, Er Kang, Zi Wei, Xiao Jian, Qing Er, Mei Ru, Du An, Liu Qing, Liu Hong and Jin Suo all gathered in a room in Fang residence.

"So, how is everyone lately? No one dead or murdered?" Er Kang asked as they all sat down.

"No, Du An has been wonderful to have around Hui Bin Lou, actually," Liu Qing said. "Yun Er was coming down with a bad cold the other day and it was great to have Du An immediately available. You know, he keeps staying at Hui Bin Lou and we'd save a fortune from not having to call for the physicians when any of the children get sick."

"Do your children get sick so often that you expect to spend a fortune on their medical cost?" Xiao Yan Zi teased.

"You know what I mean," Liu Qing said, rolling his eyes at her.

"Now that we're all settled, how about this plan of yours, Yong Qi?" Xiao Jian spoke up. "I'll bet you anything Xiao Yan Zi has managed to force it out of you but the rest of us are still very clueless on what your brilliant idea is."

"Well, you know the trip to Hangzhou that Huang Ah Ma is planning for next year," Yong Qi started.

"The trip that we're supposed to keep a secret, yes," Er Kang said.

"If we're going to do this, and I think it's a good plan, we can't keep it a secret. And it's not as if everyone won't know soon enough anyway."

Together, Yong Qi and Er Kang lay out the plans for the excursion to everyone else.

"We're going to go to Jinan?" Zi Wei asked softly.

"Yes. That's part of the reason Huang Ah Ma didn't want to tell you or Xiao Yan Zi yet. He wanted everything planned out and then tell you as a surprise."

"Oh." Zi Wei looked pensive for a moment while Er Kang patted her hand comfortingly and Jin Suo looked at her worriedly.

"Are you all right?" Yong Qi asked.

"I'm fine. I just never expected Huang Ah Ma to…Never mind me, I'm fine, really. It's just a bit of a shock. Go on."

"Yes, anyway, the point is our main destination would be Hangzhou because Huang Ah Ma loves it there, and I predict we'd be spending a lot of time there and it would be our last destination before turning back to Beijing. Er Kang, we'd be staying on West Lake in Hangzhou, right?"

"Yes. Huang Ah Ma will want to remain there for quite a while and staying on boats on West Lake would be most convenient. My father is working out the number of people that will be going on this trip and the number of boats needed to accommodate everyone. Are you saying we carry out Mei Ru's escape then?"

"Yes. A big lake, you know…" he trailed off suggestively.

"Can you swim?" Xiao Jian asked Mei Ru. She looked at him as if he'd just asked her whether she knew martial arts.

"Makes things even more plausible, then," Xiao Yan Zi said brightly.

"It certainly is more plausible than turning into a butterfly," Zi Wei said.

"So, let me get this straight, since you're all implying and not actually stating much," Liu Hong broke in. "You're planning for them to run off with each other in Hangzhou, under the story that Mei Ru drowned in West Lake?"

"That's the general idea, yes. Obviously, we have to work out the fine points, but that's the idea."

"It sounds like a good idea, actually," Xiao Jian mused. "West Lake is huge, and if you fell in at night, even if you knew how to swim, you'd be struggling with the sheer size of it. And it's impossible to search the whole of the lake for a body, especially if it's dark and you don't know exactly where you fell in."

"All this would mean that I'm actually going on this trip," Mei Ru pointed out.

"And why wouldn't you go?" Xiao Yan Zi asked, astounded.

"Maybe because not everyone's lives revolve around the next time they get to go out of the palace like yours does, Xiao Yan Zi," Jin Suo teased. Xiao Yan Zi glared at her.

"Well, considering the itinerary, it seems that Huang Ah Ma is taking this trip more for yours and Zi Wei's benefit than anything," Mei Ru said.

"Actually, Huang Ah Ma is taking the trip for a vacation from full time of running the country," Yong Qi said. "Your father is not going to let you not go, you know."

"Is he going?"

"Unfortunately – ahem – " Er Kang said awkwardly. Mei Ru smiled and just shook her head – "Zhang Li is on the list, which means we'll have to be careful with this plan."

"Who is on the list right now?" Xiao Jian asked.

"Well, there's the seven of us," Er Kang said, indicating himself, Zi Wei, Xiao Yan Zi, Yong Qi, Mei Ru, Xiao Jian, and Qing Er, "Huang Ah Ma, obviously, a couple of the Niang Niang, including Ling Fei. Of the officials who are coming there are my father, Mei Ru's father, Fu Heng, Ji Xiao Lan, Er Min, you know, the usual troop. And the servants and guards who will be innumerable."

"I think then, we can count on the Niang Niangs to keep each other occupied, and the officials to keep Huang Shang occupied most of the time. While if our plan succeeds but we can't keep it a secret, the consequences on us won't be as dire as it was, last time, it's still best if no one except us know of this plan."

"Well, if it does get out to Huang Ah Ma in the end, what could he do, really?" Xiao Yan Zi said. "I mean, by that time, Mei Ru and Du An would have escaped, and it's not as if it's Huang Ah Ma's wife we're sneaking off here."

"No but it will open old wounds," Yong Qi reminded her. "Not to mention it's not entirely proper, either."

"The point is, whatever we do, the truth stays guarded as well as possible and only we would know what really happened to Mei Ru," Xiao Jian said. "I think the best plan is that we go on this trip, try to stay out of the trouble as much as possible on the way – "

He looked pointedly at Xiao Yan Zi. Everyone laughed. Xiao Yan Zi pouted.

"It wouldn't seem normal if we 'stayed out of trouble' as you put it! I always get in trouble. It's normal that I get in trouble."

"All right, the plan is we get the trip going as normal as possible," Xiao Jian corrected himself. "Meanwhile, Du An follows our route to Hangzhou. As soon as we get a specific itinerary of all the places we're stopping at, I'll see if I have friends in those places you can stay with otherwise any inn would be ok, I guess. But I think it's best that on the way, we don't sneak you two off to see each other, since it's a lot easier for Zhang Li to be watching Mei Ru if he's on this trip with us. It's best that we don't do anything suspicious on the way. I'll keep in constant contact with you through my friends on the way because I doubt Zhang Li would care what I do. How long are we stopping in Hangzhou?"

"Well, Huang Ah Ma loves it there so I'll say a couple of months at least," Yong Qi said.

"Three months, actually," Er Kang said.

"That's good, that will give us time to plan things," Xiao Jian continued. "You can stay with some friends of mine in Hangzhou. I think it's best we leave the planning of how Mei Ru is actually going to drown until we get to Hangzhou and see where we're staying exactly and the conditions when we get there. In the meanwhile, we ought to think about where the two of you will go when we manage to sneak Mei Ru out successfully."

"When? You seem sure that everything will work out," Du An said sceptically.

"Yes, when. And everything will work out. I think you could either stay in Hangzhou, go back to Beijing, go to Dali or go wherever you want to."

"Wouldn't staying in Hangzhou or going back to Beijing be dangerous?" Mei Ru asked. "Suppose that the story of my drowning doesn't work, my father, and probably Huang Ah Ma as well will have people go looking for us…"

"Which is why staying in Hangzhou until the storm, if any, calms is a good option. They wouldn't think to look for you in Hangzhou. They'd be going off all over the country to look for you, thinking you've fled. The most dangerous place is the safest place. No one will expect you to remain in Hangzhou. Also no one would expect you to return to Beijing either."

"I don't think going to Dali is an option," Er Kang frowned and said. "In the event that our drowning story doesn't work, Huang Ah Ma would know we've had Dali as our destination before and it would be the first direction he'd look."

"Or maybe because it's our destination before it might seem too obvious for us to take the same route again that they wouldn't consider Dali so Mei Ru and Du An should just go to Dali anyway," Liu Qing said.

"No," Yong Qi said. "I think Er Kang is right, Dali is too obvious. Huang Ah Ma knows us a bit too well by now I think. He will know we will think that and Dali will be one of the search routes anyway. I think staying in Hangzhou is not a bad idea. Even Huang Ah Ma does search Hangzhou, there's plenty of way you can evade the search guards. But if you flee, you will have to travel, find places to stay, and your travel routes can be traced. It's best if you just stay in one place until the storm die down. Then after that, you can go wherever you want, even back to Beijing."

"Exactly," Xiao Jian said. "I have friends in Hangzhou who will be happy to hide and protect you. There might just be two of you and not like there was eight of us the last time we ran away, but if you move around, you risk being traced and captured. You can even stay permanently in Hangzhou if you want. It's a beautiful place and big enough to hide you so that you don't stand out. Ultimately, it's your decision really, where you want to be."

"You really think staying in Hangzhou will be the safest solution?" Du An asked.

"Yes. I have friends who you can stay with from the moment you arrive in Hangzhou and I'm sure they'll be glad to house you for as long as you need it."

"We have to love your connections, don't we?" Liu Hong said. "They've saved us more times than we can count now, I think."

"Once we know exactly where we're going, I'll contact all my friends, including the one in Hangzhou and give you the full list of their names and addresses," Xiao Jian continued with the plan. "Du An, you just follow us to Hangzhou. Once in Hangzhou we'll be in better contact with you and start the drowning plan."

"Sounds good. I think we should leave the financial planning for the time being as well," Yong Qi said. "Since we don't know what regions we're going through yet it's rather hard to estimate the amount of money we should be preparing for you."

"Money?" Du An asked blankly.

"Yes, money," Er Kang said. "You know, to get from here to Hangzhou and everything. As much as we'd like to think love is everything we need, you can't live without some gold, my friend. Don't worry, by the time we've prepared everything for you, you'll have enough money to get from here to Hangzhou, and enough left over to set up your new life. And before you say it, with all of us pooling in this fund, it's hardly going to make a dent in our pockets."

"I'm not exactly living entirely off Yong Qi either you know," Mei Ru pointed out.

Yong Qi chuckled. "I reckon you could be throwing money away these last four years and still have half of your dowry left today. As you haven't been doing that, I take it there's probably enough of it left to fund this whole escapade and then some?"

"Yes. And it would be a slap to Ah Ma's face, if he knew, wouldn't it, using his money on this?"

"Quite."

"So, that's set for now, then?" Xiao Jian said. "As soon as we know more about the trip, we'll update the plans. In the meanwhile, you two can meet here, most probably. I reckon, Mei Ru, you can go with Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi to Hui Bin Lou once or twice but don't make a habit of it. Any correspondence goes through me, or Er Kang, or Yong Qi."

"And please burn them as soon as you've read them," Xiao Yan Zi added. "I'm not eating any more letters."

Everyone except Du An and Mei Ru, who looked totally lost, laughed.

"When we helped passed letters between Han Xiang and Meng Dan, we were nearly caught several times, and Xiao Yan Zi had to dispose of the letters by eating them twice. Apparently one of them was a love poem from Yong Qi," Zi Wei explained with a giggle.

"This time, if we are caught with a letter, Er Kang," Yong Qi said, laughing, "please don't make me the alibi. Love poems are more your and Zi Wei's thing than Xiao Yan Zi's."

"Well, it was Xiao Yan Zi who ate the letter, I couldn't very well have said it was a love poem from me to Zi Wei, could I?" Er Kang protested. "Besides, poetry along the line of 'Horizontal lines are death, Vertical lines are also death' is definitely Xiao Yan Zi, not Zi Wei."

They laughed as Zi Wei resumed explaining the story to Du An and Mei Ru. Xiao Yan Zi pouted. "It's not fair, you know. I saved all our lives with eating those letters and you are all laughing at me."

"All right, we won't laugh at you," Yong Qi said, hiding smiles by turning his head away.

"So anyway, now all we do is wait to do more planning, don't we?" Liu Qing asked.

"Yes," Er Kang said. "You three are fine with Du An at Hui Bin Lou, right?"

"Yes, it's fine. Liu Qing already said," Jin Suo said. "It's not as if he's not earning his own money anyway. And either way, Hui Bin Lou is doing very well. We hardly notice there's another person living with us."

"So have we got everything we could cover so far?" Zi Wei asked.

"I think so," Xiao Jian said.

"You lot are experts at planning illegal escapes, aren't you?" Mei Ru remarked, shaking her head.

"Well, yes, considering the number of times we've had to do this, we ought to be pretty well-versed in it," Yong Qi said with a smile.

"Just one more thing. Are you sure you want to do all this in Hangzhou?" Mei Ru asked, looking at Xiao Jian and Xiao Yan Zi worriedly. "I mean, Hangzhou is going to be a pretty emotion place for you two and…"

"Don't worry," Xiao Jian said, but he looked touched at her thoughtfulness. "All the things I want to show Xiao Yan Zi in Hangzhou won't take up the three months that we will be there."

"Yeah," Xiao Yan Zi smiled, assuring. "Besides, Huang Ah Ma's definition of a vacation would probably be sitting by the lake, drinking tea and writing poetry. We have to do something in the meantime."

"So, either way, this plan is not going into action until at least this time next year, if not later," Yong Qi said, clapping Du An on the back. "You think you will be able to stand the wait, mate?"

Du An looked at Mei Ru for a long moment and they shared a look of hope in their eyes. "Definitely."

* * *

It was a nice spring day when Xiao Yan Zi was sitting with Qing Er in Fang residence. She and Mei Ru had come, officially, to see visit Qing Er but the real reason was for Mei Ru and Du An to see each other. So while Mei Ru and Du An had their rendezvous who-knows-where outside, Xiao Yan Zi opted to sit inside with Qing Er. Now that she was due to have the baby any time now, jumping around was no longer such a desired action for her, though the ability to do so certainly sounded attractive.

Xiao Yan Zi sat back and listened idly as Qing Er was sorting out an argument between her son, four-year-old Yang Fei and her daughter, three-year-old Wei Lin. Soon, the two little ones, who were, a moment before, declaring they hated each other, skipped off hand in hand. Xiao Yan Zi watched them leave. She put her hand over her swollen stomach and could feel the baby turning inside her. Then it was as if it hit her for the first time.

"Qing Er," she whispered slowly. Her voice was shaking slightly.

"Are you all right?" Qing Er turned to her worriedly. "You look a little pale. Should I call for Tai yi?"

"No…it's just…I…I'm going to have a baby!" Xiao Yan Zi blurted out, not really sure what she was saying.

Qing Er stared at her for a moment. "But you knew that. Right?"

"Yes, I knew that but I didn't _know_ it!" Xiao Yan Zi said, sounding more panicky now.

"Xiao Yan Zi, you're making no sense at the moment," Qing Er said.

"I knew it but I didn't realise it!" Xiao Yan Zi wailed. She turned to Qing Er and gripped her hand tightly, her eyes wide. "Qing Er, what was I thinking? I'm not ready for this! I can't be a mother! I can't do this!"

Qing Er suddenly understood and smiled comfortingly, patting her hand. "Firstly, I doubt you were thinking much when this baby was conceived."

Qing Er smiled. Xiao Yan Zi flushed red but didn't seem any more relaxed.

"Secondly, what makes you think you can't be a mother?"

"Qing Er! You know how I grew up! Totally without a family! I'm going to be a horrible mother, I know it. What made me think I wanted children? What do I know about anything? I can't do this! The baby's going to totally be ruined for life! And I'm scared."

Qing Er just rubbed her back soothingly and said gently, "So was I. So was Zi Wei. It's completely normal to be scared, you know. But it's going to be all right." Xiao Yan Zi looked about to protest. "I know, I know. It's easy for me to sit here and tell you everything is going to be ok, but things will be fine, Xiao Yan Zi. Trust me. Do you love the baby?"

"Oh Qing Er, I do! I love it to bits and it's not even here yet and I don't even know if it's a boy or a girl yet. But…it's just…I don't know so much. How am I going to do this? How do you do it? How do you just know what to do?"

"I didn't just know what to do, Xiao Yan Zi," Qing Er chuckled. "No one does. Xiao Yan Zi, you love Yong Qi and he loves you, and this baby, and any other children you will have after this, will be the proof of that love, the proof of everything you had to go through to be together. You don't just miraculously know how to be parents the moment the child is born. You learn along the way, Xiao Yan Zi. And mistakes will be made. It's inevitable. I don't claim to be an expert at parenting, Xiao Yan Zi. Goodness, no, both Yang Fei and Wei Lin are still so small. Both Xiao Jian and I are still learning, and I really think we will continue to learn as our children grow up into different ages. And you will learn with this baby the first steps of parenting, and any future children you have will gain from the experience you learn at the expense of the first child. But being parents is about trying, despite everything and anything, to have the best for your children. In the end it comes right down to loving your children. I know both you and Yong Qi have big hearts, and I know you will do that so completely naturally. You just have to remember, when you see your children, that the most important thing they will ever need or want from you, is love. Take joy in loving them in all things. I think if you can do that, everything will turn out all right."

* * *

_Some time later_

_Xue Si Fu_

Er Kang returned from the morning court audience in the palace to find Zi Wei sitting in front of the zither with a rather silly smile on her face. It was so unlike her to be sitting staring into space that Er Kang couldn't do anything but stand at the door frame looking at her for a long moment.

"What exactly are you thinking about?" he asked with a chuckle, before walking to her side, pulling up a chair and sitting down beside her.

Zi Wei turned and smiled at her husband. "Things. Life has never been quite so good to all of us as it is now, has it?"

"I guess," Er Kang smiled, "for the first time in a rather long time, we all have something good to look forward to. Even if it is back to risking doing something dangerous again."

"It's been a while since I've seen Xiao Yan Zi so giddy. I guess it's natural that she is, with the prospect of helping Mei Ru and the baby coming and everything going right again."

Er Kang looked at her closely and said with amusement, "Xiao Yan Zi is not the only one who's giddy lately. It seems she'd channelled off her giddiness to you as well."

"Well, it's just so nice to see everyone, all of us, totally and completely happy, for once. Before, it seemed that our marriage was the only one that was completely happy and free of guilt and worry. Yong Qi and Mei Ru…well, what could we really say there? And for Xiao Jian and Qing Er, I know even though they have the chance to be together, there was still the guilt with Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi shadowing over their marriage. And now…things have just turned around so dramatically. I mean, even Mei Ru's smiling! I don't think I've felt so optimistic in a long time."

"Well, now that we've been through our 81 trials, Heaven should leave us alone and pick on someone else, don't you think?" Er Kang chuckled.

"I doubt it's 81 yet. But I suppose we can't continue to meet with disasters forever." Zi Wei sighed contentedly. "I really missed it, you know, having everyone able to smile at life. I do realise that we all had to grow up and take things a little more seriously, but still. It is really nice to see Yong Qi happy again. Losing Xiao Yan Zi just made him so cynical about life and happiness in general."

"I think having to go through what they had to go through would be enough to make anyone cynical and bitter about life," Er Kang said.

Zi Wei smiled. "Qing Er was telling me the other day how Xiao Yan Zi is getting a little nervous."

"Nervous?"

"Yes, apparently she had a moment of insecurity and wondered if she could really be a good mother. But I think the fact that she questioned herself that shows that she cares so much…"

"Of course she cares."

"Of course, but the fact that she's questioning herself I think shows that she will do whatever it takes for everything to be as right as possible for the baby. Anyway I think Qing Er gave her some good advice, anyway. She should be fine."

"Well I'd be surprise if she didn't have some sort of break down. I think Yong Qi's somewhere in the Oh-my-goodness-I-am-going-to-be-a-father stage as well. It's odd, isn't it? We were the same, really. Too ecstatic in the early months to really realise what having a baby would really mean. And then it just hits."

"But we got out of that situation. And so will they."

Er Kang was about to answer when there was an urgent knock on the door and one of her maids called, "Ge Ge, Da Shao ye, Xiao Deng Zi from Jing Yang Gong is here. You are needed in the palace immediately."

"You don't think Xiao Yan Zi's having the baby?" Zi Wei asked, getting up and rushing out the door.

"Likely," Er Kang answered and raced after her.

"Ge Ge, Fu Da ye," Xiao Deng Zi said when they met him outside, "Huan Zhu Ge Ge is in labour. There is a carriage outside – "

"Yes, yes, let's go," Zi Wei interrupted him impatiently.

When they arrived at Jing Yang Gong, they found Xiao Jian trying to get a very restless Yong Qi to stop pacing and sit down.

"Qing Er, Mei Ru and Ling Fei, along with the midwives are already inside," Xiao Jian informed Zi Wei, who nodded and rushed in to see Xiao Yan Zi. Meanwhile, Er Kang merely sat down on a chair, took up a cup of tea and sipped it casually.

"Yong Qi, sit down, you're making the room spin with your pacing," he said calmly.

Yong Qi paused long enough to glare at Er Kang, whether it was at his advice or at his calmness, Er Kang didn't know.

"Look, it's my duty as your friend to tell you to calm down. Xiao Yan Zi is going to be all right," Er Kang said, in the same calm tone, but this time, with a smile playing on the corner of his mouth.

"And it's your duty as her husband not to listen to him," Xiao Jian added, grinning.

Yong Qi managed a weak smile at his friends, but turned abruptly in the direction of the bedroom when cries of pain continued to echo out. After a few moments, he gave a frustrated groan and resumed his pacing.

"Yong Qi, seriously, sit down. It's going to be a long wait," Er Kang said, still very calmly.

Yong Qi glared at him again and said crossly, "Er Kang, next time Zi Wei gives birth and you're going through this, remind me to come and torture you with useless advice."

Er Kang just shook his head, smiled knowingly and stopped trying to get his friend to sit. Meanwhile, Xiao Jian followed Er Kang's lead to leave Yong Qi to his pacing and sat down as well.

Hours later, Yong Qi was not sure how long, but it seemed like an eternity, a high pitched infant's wail filled the air.

He stopped his pacing and stared at the door in anticipation, as Xiao Jian and Er Kang exchanged amused glances behind him.

Yong Qi stood looking at the still closed door for the longest time, all the while wonder what on earth could take them so long to come out and tell him what was going on. He was about lose all his patience when the door finally opened and everyone but Zi Wei, Xiao Yan Zi and the baby came out.

"You can go in to see Xiao Yan Zi now," Qing Er said to him, smiling widely. "She's fine, and she wanted to personally introduce your son to you, so she insisted we didn't bring him out here but you to come in."

"Son? I have a son?" Yong Qi gasped breathlessly, not really registering what Qing Er was saying. He wasn't quite sure where he was or what was happening exactly. Somewhere in the foggy daze that he found himself in, he tried to take in the fact that Xiao Yan Zi had given birth to their son and he was a father.

"Yes," Qing Er said, chuckling at his expression. "Now, go inside. She's waiting."

He entered the room to find Xiao Yan Zi, looking exhausted but radiant, sitting against many pillows and comforters on the bed, holding a small bundle in her arms. She and Zi Wei both had their heads together, cooing and fussing over the little bundle. But they both looked up and smiled at the sound of his coming in. Zi Wei immediately stood up to vacate the seat next to the bed for him, smiling happily at him as she exited the room.

As the door closed behind Zi Wei, Yong Qi found as if he was frozen on the spot. He could only look in wonder at Xiao Yan Zi.

"You know, you're the one who can move at the moment so don't expect me to come to you," Xiao Yan Zi joked as he continued to stand against the door, staring at her. Yong Qi gave a shaky laugh and approached her, sitting on the chair Zi Wei had vacated.

"How are you?" he asked.

"I'm fine. More than fine. A bit sore, but never mind that." Then she pushed back some of the bundle of blanket to show him a tiny face with eyes scrunched shut. "Yong Qi, meet your son."

He stared at the little baby in front of him in wonder. "We did this?" he asked. He tentatively reached out to touch the baby's cheek, then paused abruptly as he suddenly realised how tiny the baby was compared to his hand.

Xiao Yan Zi smiled and held him out to Yong Qi. "Take him. It's all right. You're not going to hurt him. You're his father."

Words failed Yong Qi as he took in those words from Xiao Yan Zi. He was a father. And this was his son. A huge lump rose in Yong Qi's throat as Xiao Yan Zi eased the baby into his arms.

The birth of a baby shouldn't be an unusual occurrence to Yong Qi. Goodness knows there were enough of them born in the palace. But this, this little baby, this small person was his and Xiao Yan Zi's. He was their love, their commitment, their suffering, their pains, their tears, their laughter, their happiness, their hopes, their dreams, all cradled now in Yong Qi's arms.

Yong Qi looked at the little life he now held and suddenly felt a rush of fierce protectiveness and love washing over his entirely being. The joy was enough to make him feel dizzy. If he had asked himself or tried to anticipate what he would feel at that moment, he would never have imagined this. It was powerful, it was exhilarating and it was overwhelming. It was wonderful.

He took in the wispy black hair that lightly covered the baby's head. Cautiously he ran a finger down the baby's cheek, the softness adding more to his wonder. He reached for a tiny little hand, whose equally tiny fingers were clamped in a fist. At Yong Qi's the gentle strokes, the little hand opened and the baby wrapped his miniscule fingers tightly around his father's finger. It was as if with that, the baby had claimed a tight grip on Yong Qi's heart.

Yong Qi didn't even realise he was breathing rather shallowly. He just looked up and met Xiao Yan Zi's smiling, blissful face. At that moment, nothing could ever go wrong again. He was with the two people he loved most, two people who were the foremost in his life and in his heart.

"Xiao Yan Zi, he's perfect," Yong Qi managed to say, shaking his head in wonder at her.

"I know," she said softly. "Look."

Yong Qi followed her eyes and found that the baby had lifted his heavy eyelids to reveal a pair of deep brown eyes, as startlingly bright and beautiful as Xiao Yan Zi's eyes. The warmth of love increased even more in Yong Qi, and he leaned down to brush a small kiss on the baby's forehead. The warmth, the softness and the faint sweet baby scent all dazed him. Explicable feelings rushed through him as he realised this baby was theirs, to love and to protect.

"It's wonderful, isn't it?" Xiao Yan Zi whispered next to him.

"It is. He's wonderful. You're wonderful. You always are."

Xiao Yan Zi just laughed.

"Why are you laughing?"

"I'm just so happy," she said, brushing away tears. "I – it's just overwhelming."

"I know."

"But I think Qing Er is right. It's all going to be all right. I'm still terrified and have no idea what I'm doing but what I do know is that I love him so much…and thank you, for giving me this miracle."

"It's all you, you know," Yong Qi said softly. "I didn't do so much… nothing that wasn't enjoyable, anyway."

Xiao Yan Zi laughed. Then they just sat there savouring the pure joy of their completed family until the baby started stirring in Yong Qi's arms and fussing.

"Here, I'll take him," Xiao Yan Zi said, holding out her arms. Yong Qi carefully, if somewhat awkwardly shifted him over to her, half afraid he would hurt him with his unfamiliarity. As he watched Xiao Yan Zi coo and rock the baby back to sleep, he couldn't help but notice she seemed to be a natural at this, and he had never seen her in a situation that was more appropriate and fitting.

"Oh, we're forgetting something, Xiao Yan Zi," he said.

"What?" she asked, looking up quizzically.

"A name for him? Unless you want to go on calling him Baby forever."

Xiao Yan Zi chuckled. "Somehow I don't think he's going to love us for that."

"It can't be that hard work, you know. We have half the name already. It's got to start with Mian. So all we need now is a second character."

"Oh, of course, the silly naming code," she said, smiling.

"Watch it," Yong Qi said warningly, but he was smiling as well.

"You name him, then. I gave him life, you should give him his name."

"That was a very sweet thing to say you know," Yong Qi said, smiling. Xiao Yan Zi giggled at his choice of word.

There was a knock at the door and Zi Wei stuck her head in.

"Are you all acquainted in here? Because there are quite a few people out there eager to meet the new prince. Huang Ah Ma has just arrived, you know."

"You could take him out to meet everyone," Xiao Yan Zi offered, "while we think of a name for him."

Zi Wei entered the room and took the baby from Xiao Yan Zi's arms. "Names? Well, unless you've got a name you're desperate to use, Huang Ah Ma might already have a name for the little one."

"Has he? Because to be honest I'm quite lost at where to start," Yong Qi said.

"Huang Ah Ma was saying you could call him Mian Yi."

"Mian Yi. Mian Yi," Yong Qi repeated. Then he looked at Xiao Yan Zi, who was smiling approvingly. "I like it. It fits him. Thank Huang Ah Ma for me, will you?"

Zi Wei smiled and exited the room with Mian Yi. A moment later, the two of them could hear an undistinguishable babble of talk echoing from the main room into the bedroom.

Yong Qi took Xiao Yan Zi's hand, kissed it before kissing her lips lightly. "You are amazing, you know that?"

"Me? I'm the trouble maker. I could never be as amazing as the great Wu Ah Ge," Xiao Yan Zi said mildly, smiling.

"Believe me, Xiao Yan Zi, you are so much more. By an incredible amount."

* * *

It wasn't until nearly two months later that Xiao Yan Zi managed to persuade Qian Long and Ling Fei to let her take Mian Yi outside the palace, to Hui Bin Lou, to introduce him to everyone else there.

"Finally! I can't believe I've been trapped in the palace for nearly two months!" Xiao Yan Zi said with a dramatic sigh as the carriage taking her, Yong Qi and Mian Yi to Hui Bin Lou began to move.

"Oh, come now, Xiao Yan Zi. You could have gone out if you wanted. You just refused to go out without Mian Yi," Yong Qi said, chuckling.

"Of course! I'm not going to leave him alone. Mian Yi needs his Er Niang, don't you, my little prince?" she said, cooing at the baby in her arms.

Yong Qi looked at the two of them and said in mock sadness, "Now that you have your little prince, it looks like you won't need your big prince anymore, will you?"

Xiao Yan Zi jutted her bottom lip out. "It's not as if you need me, anyway. Not when you could have any attractive woman you could possibly want."

"Yes, but generally a person often want something they don't need."

"Oh, so I'm something then, am I?"

"You're everything."

"Everything bad or everything good? Or both?"

Yong Qi groaned. "I don't think I'll answer anymore. Whatever I say, you'll twist completely around anyway."

Xiao Yan Zi looked smug.

"I still don't see why we can't take Mei Ru out today," she grumbled after a while.

"Because," Yong Qi said patiently, "our explicit destination today is Hui Bin Lou and since when did she come to Hui Bin Lou with us? We can only take her to Hui Bin Lou when we go to either Er Kang or Xiao Jian's place first, and then _spontaneously_ decide to visit Hui Bin Lou while we're out."

"So how long till the trip?"

"Seven months give or a take a few days," Yong Qi said with a chuckle. "You asked me that yesterday, Xiao Yan Zi."

"When is Huang Ah Ma going to enlighten me about it? I'm sick of knowing about but not be able to talk about it anywhere near Huang Ah Ma."

"I think he's waiting a few more months. You know, till it's a bit closer to the departure. So you won't get so excited."

Xiao Yan Zi heaved a sigh. "I hate waiting."

"I know.'

* * *

"Oh Xiao Yan Zi, he's adorable." This was the first thing that Jin Suo said to her when she and Yong Qi met her at the back door of Hui Bin Lou. They had arrived at the back entrance to avoid the crowded front entrance, even though it wasn't a busy hour.

"Hello to you too," Xiao Yan Zi answered. Yong Qi laughed and greeted her as well.

Jin Suo just laughed at Xiao Yan Zi's quip and said, "You three get upstairs. Liu Qing, Liu Hong and Du An are up there already with Er Kang, Zi Wei, Xiao Jian and Qing Er. I'll just check in the kitchen first then I'll be right up."

As soon as entered the room, there was a babble of welcome from everyone who had gathered there. As Xiao Yan Zi proudly showed off Mian Yi to Liu Hong, Er Kang nudged Yong Qi and gave an amused nod in Du An's direction, who was looking both hopeful and impatient. Yong Qi held back a laugh and handed Du An a thick envelope, which he received with a grateful smile.

Meanwhile, Jin Suo had joined them and Xiao Yan Zi was busy introducing Mian Yi to Liu Qing, Liu Hong and Jin Suo.

"Awww, he looks so much like Yong Qi," Liu Hong said, while Jin Suo and Liu Qing nodded their agreement.

"So I've been told, for the millionth time," Xiao Yan Zi made a show of grumbling. Zi Wei and Er Kang exchanged amused looks while Yong Qi just laughed. Du An was too engrossed in his letter to join in. "I went through all the pain and suffering to give birth to him, giving up everything fun the process and he comes out looking like Yong Qi."

She shot a dramatic look at her husband, which sent everyone into peals of laughter again. Yong Qi put his arm around her shoulder and just squeezed her arm comfortingly.

"I told you, Xiao Yan Zi," Zi Wei said, laughing, "if you wanted a little version of you, you should have had a daughter."

"As if I had a choice in the matter?"

"I think the palace would burn down with two of Xiao Yan Zi," Er Kang said, chuckling.

"ER KANG!" Xiao Yan Zi cried indignantly. Then she wailed, "Yong Qi! Aren't you going to defend me? He's making fun of me!"

"Defend you? I'm tempted to agree with him," Yong Qi said, while carefully trying to drift away from Xiao Yan Zi without her realising. She just pouted and hit his chest with her fists.

"He really is adorable, though," Liu Hong said as she passed Mian Yi to Jin Suo.

"Someone should think of more words to describe the cuteness of babies," Jin Suo said. "With the number of babies all of us have had so far, we're overusing all the words we have already. Adorable, cute, sweet, gorgeous, and so forth."

"Speaking of adorable, cute, sweet, gorgeous little versions, Liu Hong, when are you going to get your act together and get yourself a husband, hmm?" Xiao Yan Zi nudged her friend.

"Oh wonderful, now that her life is in place, she's meddling in other people's lives," Liu Qing said, amused. "Trust me, Xiao Yan Zi, I've been trying to get her to marry but see you could do a better job than me."

"Oh come on, just because you lot all got up and married doesn't all of us are wild for marriage," Liu Hong answered.

"Why not?" Xiao Yan Zi asked, astonished. "Come on, there must be someone who is good enough for the wonderful Liu Hong."

"Oh, plenty. They're all in this room and they're all either related to me or unavailable. So no such luck there. Other than that, I haven't met anyone else really worthy yet," Liu Hong said mildly.

"It's not like she's not meeting men," Liu Qing added. "The number of 'regular customers' we get who, I suspect, come just to see her…And not all of them are half bad either." He shook his head.

"Well, you must be setting your preferences high, then," Xiao Yan Zi scoffed. "What kind of man are you looking for? A prince of the first rank?"

"Says the one married to an Ah Ge!"

"It's not as if I went looking for him," Xiao Yan Zi insisted stubbornly.

Liu Hong shrugged. "I'm sure you're not complaining that you found each other anyway, despite your not going looking for him. I'm not complaining that I haven't found my prince yet, why should you complain on my behalf?

"Well…because…you can't just not marry!"

"Why not?"

"Well…"

"Oh give it up, Xiao Yan Zi," Liu Qing cut in. "One day she'll come to me and tell me she's getting married and I'll fall over in shock. But until that day miraculously comes, I've given up rushing her into it."

Xiao Yan Zi gave a defeated sigh and took Mian Yi from Qing Er's arms.

"So anyway," Er Kang said, while taking the letter that Du An had just finished reading and shredding it, "we've just finalised the route we're taking for the trip with Huang Ah Ma yesterday."

After Er Kang had finished outlining the course of their upcoming trip, Xiao Jian said:

"I don't think this route should be a problem then. We're going through all the big towns, which means that even in places where I don't have friends who can take you in, you can stay in the local inns and won't stand out so much. You'd only stand out as a stranger in small towns where visitors are rare. You should be fine in bigger places. Anyway, we won't be doing much to attract attention to you on the way, anyway, since your real role doesn't come until we reach Hangzhou. All you have to do in the meanwhile is follow us and we won't be that hard to miss."

"What's up on the Zhang Li front?" Er Kang asked.

"I think we can be sure that he hadn't found out where Du An is yet," Yong Qi answered. "If he'd found out I think we'd be informed of the fact pretty soon. Zhang Li is not one to sit round and wait, he'd act decisively if he'd found out Du An's whereabouts. But I don't think any of us need to be reminded to still keep a look out on all things."

* * *

_Several months later_

"Oh, look, Mian Yi is trying to crawl," Xiao Yan Zi pointed out gleefully to Yong Qi as Mian Yi tried to push himself up his elbows. The three of them were sitting on the bed in her bedroom.

It was a rare occurrence that day when Yong Qi didn't have a lot of work to complete so he and Xiao Yan Zi were taking advantage to spend with each other. They had taken Mian Yi off his Nai Niang's hands and intended to spend that afternoon with just the three of them.

"It's scary how fast he's growing," Yong Qi observed. "He might be struggling to support himself on his elbows now but I think any day now he'll be crawling all over Jing Yang Gong and then we'll all be running after him."

Xiao Yan Zi swept Mian Yi up into her arms and nuzzled his chubby cheek. "Come on, Mian Yi, let's see if you can crawl all the way to Ah Ma." Mian Yi giggled and clapped his hands in glee, making both Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi laugh. Then she set him to sit down in front of her. Mian Yi didn't so much crawl as slide towards Yong Qi. Xiao Yan Zi went over to sit next to Yong Qi and rested her head on his shoulder as he took Mian Yi into his arms.

"Here's our smart son, aren't you, Mian Yi?" Yong Qi said while Mian Yi gurgled with delight.

"Well, of course he's smart, he's my son," Xiao Yan Zi said smugly.

"A little full of yourself, perhaps?" Yong Qi teased, smiling. But he leaned over and gave her a swift kiss on the cheek at the flashing look in her eyes, before she could hit him as she intended. The kiss made her smile giddily instead.

At the moment, from outside came the announcement of Zi Wei's arrival.

Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi, with Mian Yi in her arms, came out to the front room to meet Zi Wei. They found her already talking with Mei Ru there.

"Zi Wei! What brings you here?"

"Who else but my adorable nephew?" Zi Wei said, taking Mian Yi from Xiao Yan Zi. "Hello, Mian Yi. How are you today, hmm? Are you being a good boy? Yes, you are."

"Oh, so that's how it is now, is it?" Xiao Yan Zi said, pouting. "You like Mian Yi better than me now, do you?"

"Of course I do," Zi Wei said, in a mock surprised tone. "Mian Yi is much cuter than you." Mian Yi clapped his hand and babbled some baby talk.

"I think Mian Yi agrees," Mei Ru said, laughing.

"Of course he does. It's true," Zi Wei teased further.

"Oh, thanks," Xiao Yan Zi grumbled good naturedly.

"Well, I disagree with you, Zi Wei," Yong Qi smiled, putting his arm around Xiao Yan Zi's shoulders. "No one is cuter than my Xiao Yan Zi. Mian Yi does come close but not quite."

"Well, you can keep your Xiao Yan Zi. I want Mian Yi. He's going to be my son-in-law one day, aren't you, Mian Yi?" Zi Wei said.

"Really?" Yong Qi asked. "Last I checked you have two sons and no daughter yet, Zi Wei. Unless there's something you want to tell us?"

"No," Zi Wei laughed. "Not yet. I'm talking eventually. Unless you'd like to give me a daughter-in-law first instead?" She nudged Xiao Yan Zi.

"No, I think I'll leave that to you," Xiao Yan Zi shot back. "You have better record at having children than me at the moment anyway."

"Anyway," Zi Wei said, changing the topic, "Er Kang just went to see Huang Ah Ma and he said I should come here today anyway since apparently Huang Ah Ma wants to talk to us about something."

"Something is probably the trip," Yong Qi supplied.

As if on cue, there was the announcement of Qian Long and Er Kang's arrivals.

"Huang Ah Ma ji xiang," the four of them said in greeting.

"Well, I see you are all here, including my favourite grandson," Qian Long said upon entering the room.

"Huang Ah Ma, it's not nice to have favourites," Xiao Yan Zi chastised.

"While that is the ideal, one cannot help but have them, Xiao Yan Zi. Speaking of ideals, I think you will enjoy this news."

"Really? What news?" Xiao Yan Zi feinted anticipation.

"We're going on an inspection trip to the south in two months," Qian Long said, then paused dramatically.

"A trip?" Xiao Yan Zi exclaimed, jumping up in excitement. It was thankful that she did not have Mian Yi in her arms. "Oh Huang Ah Ma, we're going with you, right? Right? Who else is going? How long are we going for? Where are we going?" Er Kang, Yong Qi, Mei Ru and Zi Wei just exchanged half amused, half amazed looks at how she could fake the surprise so well. The excitement wasn't puzzling as Xiao Yan Zi always had energy to spare.

Qian Long laughed. "One question at a time. As for who is going, Er Kang and Xiao Jian are going of course, as well as Yong Qi, as this is an inspection trip to see how the whole country is doing and weed out problems before they become too big. I will need their capable minds. And then I suppose Zi Wei is going as I will need someone to play chess with me along the way and she might want Qing Er to keep her company. Then Mei Ru is definitely going she has not been on one of these trips before and will definitely do well to get out of the palace. Also I have already told Zhang Li I'd persuade her to go as he wants her to." Here Qian Long paused and sipped his tea.

Xiao Yan Zi tried to wait patiently while Er Kang and Yong Qi looked at each other, amused.

"Huang Ah Ma!" Xiao Yan Zi said when Qian Long didn't make any sign of continuing.

"What?"

"Aren't you forgetting someone?" she pouted.

"Oh, yes, Ling Fei and Yun Fei are also coming." Qian Long continued to tease.

"But – but – "

The others all tried not to laugh.

"But what?"

"But what about me?"

"What about you?" Qian Long asked, his eyes twinkling.

"Huang Ah Ma! I'm going too, right? I have to go! You all can't leave me at home alone!"

"Why ever not?"

"_BECAUSE_ if you're all going to Hangzhou, then shouldn't I be there as well?" Xiao Yan Zi fairly wailed.

"Hangzhou? I haven't said anything about Hangzhou, Xiao Yan Zi," Qian Long said, narrowing his eyes.

"You – er – you haven't?" Xiao Yan Zi said evasively. "Oh."

"No, I haven't. So it is very interesting how you know that we're going to Hangzhou," Qian Long said slowly.

"Lucky guess?" Xiao Yan Zi tried to save the situation. Hopelessly.

"I highly doubt anyone could be that lucky. Now," he turned to Er Kang and Yong Qi, who both tried to look innocent, "it couldn't possibly have been you two babbling, could it?"

"Well…" Yong Qi started sheepishly.

"You see, Huang Ah Ma," Er Kang cut in, "Xiao Yan Zi overheard Yong Qi and I talking about it and you know how she gets. So we really couldn't not get her…"

Zi Wei smiled at how Xiao Yan Zi looked torn between being appalled and grateful at the way that Er Kang attempted to bail her out of trouble. Only a twitch in Yong Qi's expression revealed his surprise at Er Kang's blatant lie.

Qian Long looked at them suspiciously. "Fine, I'll accept your words this once. Though now that did ruin the surprise fabulously well just now."

"Huang Ah Ma, that's not the important thing, is it? I mean, the important thing is that I'm going, right? Right?" Xiao Yan Zi asked quickly.

Qian Long looked at her sternly. "Who said you were going?"

"They did," Xiao Yan Zi said stoutly, looking at Er Kang and Yong Qi. Zi Wei stifled a laugh.

"I see. And you've gotten your hopes up, haven't you?"

"Yes, it wouldn't do to disappoint me, would it? You wouldn't be so mean, right, Huang Ah Ma?" Xiao Yan Zi pouted.

"All right, I won't tease you anymore," Qian Long smiled, "you're going."

"Thank you, thank you, thank you, Huang Ah Ma!"

Yong Qi cleared his throat. "What about Mian Yi?"

Qian Long raised an eyebrow at the couple, "As Xiao Yan Zi obviously knew about this trip before now, I can't imagine that you two haven't talked about this. Well?"

"Er…Right, we have," Yong Qi said a little shiftily, looking at Xiao Yan Zi.

Xiao Yan Zi took a deep breath before launching into a long argument of why they should take Mian Yi along and how it wouldn't be so much of an inconvenience, considering nature of the trip and the number of servants that were going along as well anyway.

"Well, I'm impressed, Xiao Yan Zi," Qian Long said, amused. "I didn't think it was possible to talk for so long without drawing a breath."

Xiao Yan Zi said nothing but waited with baited breath.

"All right, you're all going. But because I've thought about this before, not from that elaborate speech of yours."

"Yay! Thank you Huang Ah Ma! You're the bestestererest father ever!"

Everyone burst out laughing. "Xiao Yan Zi, what was that word?"

"It's my word."


	12. On the Road Again

**Chapter 12: On the Road Again**

* * *

"Yong Qi! Wake up!" Xiao Yan Zi cried, early in the morning that they were due to set off for the inspection trip. She was bouncing on the bed, tugging the covers away from her husband.

Yong Qi blearily opened one eye and saw that the room was still dark. "Xiao Yan Zi, it's not even light yet. Go back to sleep."

"It is too light! Come on, wake up! Can't you hear the birds singing? Come on, come on!"

"Bird? The only bird I can hear right now is a swallow who is up at an insane hour. Let me go back to sleep, you can get up if you're so excited but don't wake the whole house up."

"Come on, Yong Qi! We're setting out early, aren't we? Wake up or everyone will leave without us!" Xiao Yan Zi said persistently, pushing him.

Yong Qi groaned, yanked the covers back from her and pulled it over his head. "We're setting out early but not at the crack of dawn, Xiao Yan Zi. And I doubt everyone will go without us," came his muffled voice.

Xiao Yan Zi was still for a moment, just long enough for Yong Qi to start to drift back to sleep, feeling relieved that she had taken his advice and calmed down. Then she shook him again, "Yong Qi!"

So it went on, and it was safe to conclude that, in the end, poor Yong Qi didn't get much more sleep after that.

The start of the journey was surprisingly uneventful. They were taking three carriages, one for Qian Long and the two Niang Niang, one for Zi Wei and Qing Er, and the last one for Xiao Yan Zi, Mei Ru and Mian Yi, as well as the little boy's wet-nurse, his Nai Niang. The men were all riding on horseback. However, most of the time saw the occupants of the last two carriages crowded into one.

Overall, the trip was a leisurely one, slow paced with everyone just enjoying a vacation away from the palace. It was spring and the whole country was blooming beautifully with new life. The comfortable carriages meant ensured their journey didn't bring any of them any tiredness. They would take long stops at small towns and major cities alike, as it was Qian Long's intention to inspect the country and inspections couldn't be limited to just the major cities. If anything, the little weedy problems happened more often in small towns where the officials ruled supreme and thought no one would waste time bothering checking up on their performance in such isolated, insignificant places. Throughout their journey, Xiao Jian was careful to keep tab of Du An's journey as well and made sure that he was keeping up with their own progress.

Their longest stop so far was at Jinan. The stay at Jinan was an emotional one. It was the first time that Zi Wei set foot back to the place where she was born since she left it all those years ago. They visited Xia Yu He's grave, which, needless to say, was a teary encounter for Zi Wei. Qian Long himself left Jinan with mixed feelings. The visit had stirred up all his guilt and sadness for Yu He stronger than ever. However, he also felt comforted that he at least, did make his apology and peace with her at her last resting place, even if the visit came so late.

* * *

Soon it was their last stop before they arrive in Hangzhou the next day. Xiao Jian discretely pulled Xiao Yan Zi into one of the carriages after dinner.

"How are you feeling? You seem very jumpy today."

She smiled weakly. "I'm…just nervous. We reach Hangzhou tomorrow."

"I know," Xiao Jian said softly.

"I've always known I want to come here; it is where I was born and our parents are laid to rest here…but now…I…I don't know how I'm going to be able to…"

Xiao Jian squeezed her shoulder. "I know, I understand. I haven't been back here since I set out to find you, either. I actually…I actually promised myself when I set out to find you that the next time I come back I'd bring you back with me. But then I found you, and so many things happened. I haven't been to Hangzhou that many times, really. I grew up in Dali, you know. My foster parents took me here when I was a child a few times, but other than that…I've only been here on my own once."

"What happened to them? Your foster parents?"

"They both passed away about three years ago. They didn't have any natural children so their whole estate was left to me, but I sold it all since I knew my life was with Qing Er in Beijing."

Xiao Yan Zi sighed. "I don't know what I'm going to have to expect. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I wonder…but then Zi Wei at least knew her mother. I've never…"

"It's all right, I hardly know what I feel now either. Is Huang Shang going to come with us?"

"I don't know."

"Because I was thinking…I want to take just you, Yong Qi and Qing Er to their graves, first, anyway. And Mian Yi as well, obviously. No guards, no escorts, just the five of us."

"That would be nice…I'm not sure I'm going to be able to cope to see their graves for the first time and have Huang Ah Ma there."

For a moment, there was no noise but the rustling leaves outside and the sound of their soft breathing.

"Do you remember them at all?" Xiao Yan Zi asked shakily.

"I was only four then. Sometimes I convince myself that I remember from the stories my foster parents used to tell me. I don't know if those are real memories or they're just what I imagine from those stories. Even if they are real memories, they're always through this veil of fog…"

"I just wish…I just wonder…Do you think…"

"What?"

"We both married into the Ai Xin Jue Luo family, Xiao Jian. And considering…" she trailed off awkwardly.

"Do you regret it?"

"No," she said firmly. "Goodness, no. I love Yong Qi and I can't imagine things ever being different…well, no, I could do without all the drama I had to go through before I married him, but I could never imagine my life without him. I don't want to imagine a life without him. And Huang Ah Ma…I could forgive him because I love him, because he'd done so much for me, because despite knowing everything about me, he still loves me as his own daughter. But it's just…can we really ask Father and Mother to accept that? The truth is still that…Huang Ah Ma did order their deaths, under false information or not…How do we reconcile that to them?"

"Are you happy?" Xiao Jian asked seriously.

Xiao Yan Zi smiled, "Yes."

"So am I, and I think for that, Father and Mother would be happy, too."

"You really think so?"

"Yes. I keep thinking back of before you knew the truth. If it were up to me, you would never know the truth of how our parents died. I never wanted to put that burden on you, having you know that the only father you've ever known was responsible for making it so. I didn't want you to feel guilty about marrying the man you love. You shouldn't be feeling guilty, Xiao Yan Zi. Yong Qi is a good man, and he loves you. After everything you two have been through, I'd be a fool if I didn't realise how good he is for you, how happy he makes you. There was a time when I wondered how I could do that, though. Before I met you, before I met Yong Qi, and Zi Wei, and Er Kang, all of you, my second biggest purpose in life, after finding you, was to avenge Father and Mother. Really, I had no idea how I'd accomplish that feat of killing the Emperor, but the driving force was there. Nothing else seemed to matter for me then, aside from those two purposes."

"Why didn't you? You could have done it before you grew close enough to us. You had the chance when we smuggled Meng Dan in to see Han Xiang."

"Yes. For me, at the moment, that seemed like a once in a life time opportunity, probably the only opportunity I'd ever have. But I didn't do it." Xiao Jian sighed. "By then, I already suspected you were my sister. And then I see you around him, the way you treated him as a father like it was the most natural thing in the world. It mesmerised me and angered me at the same time. And Huang Shang, he treated you in exactly the same natural way as a daughter. He scolded you, he reprimanded you, as father would. Before then I could never imagine seeing the Emperor as anything other than my worst enemy, someone I must kill, for Father and Mother. But that moment of seeing you and him together, it all confused me. I've never imagined my own sister could develop that kind of relationship with him, even if she didn't know the truth. And then I thought of Yong Qi, Er Kang and Zi Wei. The four of you might have been deceiving Huang Shang, but there was love and respect for him evident in your every interaction with him. You were risking your lives to help Han Xiang but you still love Huang Shang enough to do everything to ensure he was hurt as little as possible. I think it was that day that I realised the imperial family wasn't just a bunch of egomaniacs as I perceived them to be in my prejudice but there are some genuinely kind and nice people as well. Then was my only, my last opportunity to seek revenge, because after that, you all came to mean too much to me and I could never do it."

"How could you do it? How could you let go of it? I could forgive Huang Ah Ma because before I found out the truth, I already loved him, loved Zi Wei, loved Yong Qi too much. But how could you?"

"It wasn't easy and it wasn't instantaneous, you know. After I got back to Hui Bin Lou after that, I was so angry at you, angry at all of you. Why, of all the people to have adopted you, for you to love as a father, did it have to be him? How could _you_ love him so much? Why, of all the people to touch me with their kindness, with their loyalty and chivalry, did it have to my enemy's own son and daughter? You have no idea how long and frustrating those months were for me. When I first heard that you were engaged to Yong Qi and found out who Yong Qi was…it was like Heaven was laughing at my face. I wanted so desperately to hate Yong Qi for seducing you, to hate Er Kang and Zi Wei…" Here he broke up and shook his head.

Xiao Yan Zi giggled. "Seducing me. I think a lot of people would say I seduced him."

Xiao Jian laughed as well. "Yes, well. It got more and more uncomfortable for me as I realised how sincere Yong Qi was about his feelings for you and how much he was giving up for you. As much as I hated it, it wasn't too long until I realised how much I respected him for his loyalty to you and realised how much he must love you to put up with your impossible childishness."

"Hey! I resent that comment!"

"Resemble it, more like. But you've gotten better," Xiao Jian grinned cheekily at her.

"Thanks," she said grudgingly. "And then?"

"And then for a short while, when we were all on the run, I could vaguely forget and ignore the fact that Yong Qi was Qian Long's son, because then we were under the impression he wanted us all dead. Then I convinced myself I would accept Yong Qi, for your sake, if he really was determined to give up his title for you. I had my doubts, you know. I knew that Yong Qi loved you, enough to give up everything for you. But back then…you two seemed to do nothing but fight and you seemed to treat his concern as a burden and annoying, and there were times when I wondered whether things would really be happy for the two of you since you come from much different backgrounds. I remember talking to Zi Wei about it. She told me…she told me if I kept myself out of your relationship, it would work out."

Xiao Yan Zi laughed. "I think there's a subtle hint in there."

"Of course. I knew…I knew my concern for you was entirely brotherly but none of you knew that. I used that…to a certain extent, to judge your feelings, Yong Qi's feelings. I could see how Yong Qi was going from being mildly annoyed at my attention for you to being jealous. That didn't really surprise me, what surprised me and, to a point, concerned me, was how blasé you were being about his jealousy, it was as if you didn't even notice."

"Were you concerned for me or for Yong Qi?"

"Both. There were times when I wondered whether you loved him as much as he loved you and if you didn't, whether this relationship was the best."

"I loved him then, as I do now…but also at the same time, I think I took him for granted. Huang Ah Ma made the engagement between us, you know, and because of that, as far as I was concerned then, nothing could change it, nothing could break that engagement between us and we'd be together eventually. That's partly what made it so bitter for me when Lao Fo Ye did and he had to marry Mei Ru…Well, anyway, I took him for granted because I thought it was a sure thing between us. I couldn't understand why he was so annoyed at my attention to you. I knew he loved me, so why couldn't he be sure that I loved him? I loved him and I liked you, but that's two different things, as far as I was concerned. All I knew then was that for me, you were like Er Kang and Liu Qing and I couldn't understand why he didn't see that. In a way I was annoyed at him because it seemed like he didn't trust my feelings enough but I think, in another way, I was angry at Huang Ah Ma and I was taking it out on him. I don't know."

"I could see why Yong Qi was jealous," Xiao Jian said with a small chuckle. "Everyone could see why Yong Qi was jealous. It seemed that you were the only who couldn't. In retrospect, I should never have gotten into that fight with him, you know, that day when I told you I was your brother. Yong Qi said something that touched a nerve but I could understand why he said that, under the circumstances, considering how rough things had been between you and him then. I should never had reacted like I did and got into a fight with him because I never planned to tell you that you were my sister. But after I did…after I did tell you, I knew I must never tell you who our family's enemy was, because I knew you might be angry at Qian Long, it didn't mean that you didn't still love him. Nan Yang…Nan Yang was the deciding point for me. If I told you the truth then…what would it had done to you and Yong Qi? I don't know. But I didn't tell you then…and I wondered how I managed not to, when I now by not telling you then, you were going back to the palace, going to marry Wu Ah Ge, not Ai Qi, going to be Qian Long's daughter in law. It was bittersweet, really. For your happiness, for your peace of mind, I knew I could give up anything, and for that, I knew I must give up the idea of revenge. Er Kang and Zi Wei pointed out a lot of things for me, things that I've thought about a thousand times over. But somehow, hearing it from them makes the points a little more valid to me, because by then, I wasn't trusting myself anymore. I didn't know what was right, what I was supposed to do that was best for you. There were a few things that Er Kang said that put things in perspective for me."

"Which were?"

"Father wrote a poem. That poem may or may not have had treasonous meanings. Father may or may not have deserved death. We won't know unless we dive into the case again. But even if he deserved death, he would only had deserved it from the Manchurian perspective. No one deserves death because of an opinion. Only other people _think_ they deserve death because their opinion clashed with those others'. Either way, in every dynasty, countless people have been killed for writing certain things that are interpreted in a certain way. That wasn't about to change any time soon. If I do manage to kill Qian Long, then what? Father and Mother were still dead, it wouldn't change anything. It would only make you miserable, it would only hurt you, hurt Yong Qi, Er Kang, Zi Wei, hurt everyone I care about. It would hurt me. After I realised that…it was easier to accept who Yong Qi was, and that you were marrying him."

"A lot of good that did," Xiao Yan Zi muttered.

"It did, you know. If I wasn't able to realise that, and forgive Huang Shang through realising it, I don't know what I'd had done when you disappeared. Or when Lao Fo Ye found out and told you, for that matter."

"I suppose."

"And Xiao Ci," Xiao Jian said gently. Xiao Yan Zi's eyes widened at the change in her name. "I only was able to accept your feelings for Yong Qi, your marriage to Yong Qi, and Huang Shang, ultimately because I wanted you to be happy. Both of us have lost too much already; for me, to make sure that your life doesn't contain any more losses and pain is the most important thing. And one cannot be happy by holding a grudge and hating. I learnt that. And I think Father and Mother would appreciate that as well and be happy that both of us have managed to find the happiness that I am sure they always wanted for us. They would not blame us, least of all you. If anything, they'd be proud of you, as I am. You've been through so much but you still manage to keep your good nature, your smile, your integrity and believe in all the right things. That isn't an easy thing to do, little sister."

By then, Xiao Yan Zi's eyes were glassy with tears and she nodded quietly.

* * *

When Xiao Yan Zi returned to her and Yong Qi's room she found him still awake. He was sitting at the desk with a book and looked up as she entered the room. She made her way over to him and perched herself on the arm of his chair. Yong Qi put down his book and pulled her onto his lap. She sighed and rested her head against his shoulder.

"How was the talk with Xiao Jian?" he asked gently.

"You saw?"

"Yes, I saw him pulling you away."

"It was…emotional," she sighed.

"You all right?" he asked softly, caressing her cheek with his thumb.

"Hmm…"

Yong Qi took her hand, kissed the back of it before entwining his fingers in hers. "I love you, always."

Xiao Yan Zi straightened up so that she could look directly at him. "I know," she said softly with a small smile. "When are we going to get to Hangzhou tomorrow?"

"We should get there about mid-afternoon. Then I think after we get settled down, it might be dark already. I don't think we'd be able to go anywhere until the day after."

"That's all right, really. I just…well…I guess in a way that's good. Then I can have time to take in the fact that I am in Hangzhou before…"

Yong Qi squeezed her hand. "It's going to be all right."

"I'm all right, really. Just nervous. Anyway, Xiao Jian thinks it'd probably be best if he took us, Mian Yi and Qing Er to...to see my parents first, without everyone else, just us, you know, no guards or anything."

"Are you sure you don't want to go with just Xiao Jian first?"

She looked at him seriously. "I want you there. This isn't about just me and my brother anymore, Yong Qi. It's about us. You're part of me, part of my life, and I need you there with me."

"I'll be there, Xiao Yan Zi, I promise."

"Is Mian Yi asleep?"

"Yes, Nai Niang put him to bed already."

Xiao Yan Zi sighed. "Do you think Huang Ah Ma is going to want to come? Later, I mean. To visit my parents' graves?"

"I think so. Huang Ah Ma is far from being as perfect as people hail him to be and for that, his mistakes to tend to reap more consequences than most, but he still does accept them as mistakes when they come, which is a good thing. So I think he wants to apologise...even if it won't change the past."

"It's going to be weird to be going there with Huang Ah Ma," Xiao Yan Zi said softly. "Knowing that…it was Huang Ah Ma who ordered their deaths. I guess I've never really thought about it in this way before, but in the end…the truth is still there."

"But that truth brought you to me. If things didn't happen as they did, you'd be in Hangzhou, you'd never had come to Beijing. Then where would we be? In the end, though, I just hope I could...that I am making up for some of the pain my father inflicted on your childhood by loving you with all my heart."

"Oh, Yong Qi," she put a hand to his cheek gently, "you are, believe me, you are. You, Zi Wei, Er Kang, Qing Er, Huang Ah Ma, everyone." She snuggled into his embrace. "I just hope that my parents, wherever they are right now, will see how happy I am, how happy both Xiao Jian and I are, and forgive Huang Ah Ma too, since he ultimately was the mean to bring you and me, and Xiao Jian and Qing Er together."

* * *

As their carriages entered the gates of Hangzhou, Xiao Yan Zi noticed that she had rarely sat so still in her entire life. Usually when she was nervous, she moved around a lot. Everyone seemed to notice her tension but no one commented, though Qian Long was occasionally giving her unfathomable looks which she chose to ignore. If she did not, Xiao Yan Zi didn't how much more nervous she would work herself up to.

Their arrival at the edge of West Lake and settling into the boathouses was something of a blur to Xiao Yan Zi as it all she could to look around her. The only thoughts rushing through her head was that this place…this city…this land was where she was born, where her parents might have once trod, and that her parents had never been nearer to her than they were at that moment. It was enough to make her heart want to burst.

Her nervousness and tension was paramount throughout the whole day. That evening, when she and Yong Qi were finally alone in their room, she was still nervously pacing the length of the room until Yong Qi stopped her in her tracks, pushed her to sit down on the bed and forced a cup in her hand.

"Drink this."

"It's wine," Xiao Yan Zi exclaimed in astonishment as she recognised the liquid in the cup.

"Yes, and from what I can see it's about the only thing that's going to calm you down and let you get some sleep tonight."

"And wake up with a hangover tomorrow?"

"It's only one cup, Xiao Yan Zi, it's not enough to even give Zi Wei a hangover, let alone you. But it's enough to get you to calm down a bit."

Xiao Yan Zi sighed and raised the cup slightly, as if toasting him before downing it.

"I think I need another cup," she said breathlessly.

Yong Qi just smiled, shook his head and took the cup away from her. "Do you really want that hangover tomorrow morning?"

"No."

"Then that's all you're having."

Then he sat down next to her and took her hands in his.

"Would it help if I told you that you should calm down and that it's going to be all right?"

"No," she said flatly. "And how do you know it's going to be all right?"

He smiled and tapped his forehead. "Because I know."

Xiao Yan Zi wrinkled her nose and shot him a look. Then she sighed and said, "I don't even know why I'm like this, why I'm so nervous! It's not even as though they're alive and I'm going to have to face them and hear what they say to me and about me."

"And that's scarier, then, isn't it? You don't know what they would say and you still wonder."

Xiao Yan Zi glanced at him. "Well one thing is for sure, if my parents were actually alive and we had to meet them, I won't be the only one who would be nervous."

"You wouldn't?"

"Wouldn't you be nervous, meeting my parents as well?"

Yong Qi chuckled, "Yes, probably. But I'd be less nervous knowing that we're married and you're mine no matter what, so even if in a probably likely event your parents didn't approve of me there wouldn't be anything they'd be able to do about it."

"Probably likely? Is this the normally overly confident and proud Wu Ah Ge suddenly facing insecurity?"

"With you, I can never be sure of anything."

"Not even that I love you?"

"That, I know, but I can't be sure that despite that, one day, I will lose you, like I lost you once before."

Her expression softened and she slipped her arms around him. She just looked at him for a long time, then shaking her head slightly, placed a gentle kiss on his cheek. Then, resting her forehead against his, and whispered, "Never."

They stayed like that for a while before Xiao Yan Zi gave a small chuckle. "You were trying to distract me, weren't you?"

Yong Qi just shrugged and pulled her closer into his arms. Xiao Yan Zi chortled again before giving into his comforting arms.

* * *

The next morning, Xiao Jian, Qing Er, Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi, with Mian Yi in her arms, took a carriage to the place where the Fang house once stood. Though Qian Long knew where they were heading off to that that day, he didn't comment at breakfast and none of them particularly felt like bring it up either.

On the carriage ride, Xiao Jian explained to the other three what happened after their parents died, how the family property were seized by various ranking officials in the area. Their house was left abandoned until eventually it got turned into a temple. Xiao Yan Zi listened with an oddly calm expression on her face and was still and quiet throughout the whole ride. In fact, she spent most of the ride deep in thought, at times absent-mindedly soothing Mian Yi's cries as he stirred from his nap. However, Xiao Jian, Qing Er and Yong Qi exchanged worried glances as they all realised that her outward calm demeanour was just a cover for her actual nervousness and her own effort of not feeling too much.

As the carriage slowed to a stop near where the Fang house used to stand, Xiao Jian started speaking again.

"We're here." Then, he turned to Yong Qi and Qing Er, "You two go out ahead first, I want to say something to Xiao Yan Zi first."

They nodded and Yong Qi took Mian Yi from Xiao Yan Zi's arms before descending the carriage.

"Xiao Yan Zi," Xiao Jian began once it was just the two of them remaining in the carriage. "Remember what I told you the other day? I'm taking you here today not for us to dwell on our parents' deaths but it's because I know it's something you would want to do. This visit doesn't have to and shouldn't change anything in your life or relationship with anyone. The past cannot be changed, and what is important is that you continue to live for the present."

Xiao Yan Zi just nodded, but determinedly.

They spent a brief time in the temple where the house once was, but then quickly walked the short distance to where their parents were buried. As soon as the graves were in sight, Xiao Yan Zi seemed to be walking a little slower, as if holding back a bit. Yong Qi reached out and gave her hand a squeeze. She looked at him and the warm look in his eyes seem to give her a little more strength and she gave him a brave smile before turning back to following Xiao Jian to where her parents lay.

Soon they came to stand before the graves of Fang Zhi Hang and his wife. For a moment, there was no sound, no movement from any of them, except small trembles from Xiao Yan Zi. Then, Xiao Jian spoke.

"Father, Mother, it's been a long time since I visited you but I promised you the last time I came to see you that the next time I come back, I'd bring my sister with me. A lot have happened since I was last here and I can't help but think that you've been watching over us, Xiao Ci and me. Here we are now, before you, and we're both very happy, Father, Mother, and I hope you're both happy for us as well." There was a slight pause. Then, "Xiao Ci – "

Xiao Jian reached towards Xiao Yan Zi and pulled her forwards while Qing Er and Yong Qi both stayed back, giving the siblings their space.

"Father, Mother," Xiao Yan Zi began. It was the first words she'd spoken since they started out that day. And after they were out of her lips, her voice began to tremble and large, hot tears rolled uncontrollably down her cheeks. She swallowed hard before continuing shakily, "I am here. I know you must both be very angry at me. All these years and I haven't come to see you. I hope you are not very angry at me, but I know you must be. Huang Shang is supposed to be my enemy but I call him Ah Ma. I'm supposed to hate him but I see him as my own father. I'm not supposed to be in love with his son but I am. I don't know why Heaven set up things the way they are, I don't know whether it's mockery or comfort to me that things happened the way they did. But how could I have prevented things happening the way they did? And everything lead to one another, none of this would happen if the event before didn't happen first. Would I have met Xiao Jian if everything that happened before didn't happen? Now things have calmed down a lot, but can you forgive Huang Ah Ma like I have? Can you put the past aside like I did? Huang Ah Ma may have been wrong in the past but the mistake took me to where I am. And I'm happier than I've ever been right now, and Mian Yi makes everything so much better."

Then, she took the baby from Yong Qi and held him in her arms. Mian Yi had by now woken up and was gurgling and looking around wide-eyed.

"Here he is, your grandson. Mother, Father, have you been watching over me? I know you have, I hope you have, for all these years of my life. So I hope you've seen the joys Mian Yi has brought, the hope, the completion. All…all I've ever wanted, longed for most of my life, was a family. First there was Zi Wei, then Huang Ah Ma, then Yong Qi, and everyone else, as well, and Mian Yi completes that. Things are just so much…better now, for me, for everyone. And I hope you'd both be happy for me, for that."

She let out a small sigh, almost of longing before falling silent.

After a while, Yong Qi and Qing Er stepped closer to the couple, each slight behind their partner. Then, Qing Er said with a smile:

"We're not going to say anything, you know."

Xiao Jian turned slightly to face his wife and raised an eyebrow in question. It was Yong Qi who answered him, however.

"We didn't come here to talk, we came here to be with you while you could be with your parents. And if your parents are really watching over us, they'd see how much you mean to us and understand."

_The fact that he is here, with me, says everything already, anyway_, was the thought that passed through Xiao Yan Zi's head. She had barely finished the thought before Xiao Jian turned back to the graves and said quietly, "Everything you have done should speak more than words, at any rate." Then he turned again, to give Yong Qi a pointed nod of appreciation. Xiao Yan Zi gave a small smile. Yong Qi held Xiao Jian's gaze for a moment before nodding back.

For a long time, the five of them stood there. Qing Er quietly slipped her hand into Xiao Jian's. Mian Yi was quiet in Xiao Yan Zi's arms. Yong Qi rested his chin on top of Xiao Yan Zi's head, the two of them barely touching otherwise.

None of them mentioned it, but they all felt the gentle breeze that stirred through the graveyard in the otherwise still day, a breeze that was comforting in the silence.

* * *

_That night, at the dinner table_

Mei Ru turned and for the third time since the meal started, caught her father looking between her and Xiao Yan Zi. She looked away, but a gentle nudge at her foot told her that Xiao Yan Zi had noticed his searching looks as well.

On the surface, Xiao Yan Zi kept up a melancholy act of having just returned from her parents' graves that day. However, Mei Ru could sense Xiao Yan Zi was as aware of her father's piercing looks and the eyes of the servants he had following her as she did.

And she, Mei Ru, was acutely aware of the fact that she was never unobserved. No, her father seemed know that they were up to something. Always, every time Mei Ru looked over her shoulder, there would be one of her father's servants keeping tab on her. To mention it to her father would only create trouble and give him reasons to confront her, so Mei Ru could only grit her teeth and bear it. She didn't even bother to try and evade or avoid them, because again, to try would only alert to her father something was indeed up.

It wasn't only Mei Ru who felt the annoyance of Zhang Li's keeping an insufferably close tab on his daughter. They found it almost impossible to talk about anything that wasn't casual conversation, or at least, had to put up the appearance of casual conversation.

It was several day later, late at night, when Xiao Yan Zi pulled Mei Ru in the room she and Yong Qi were staying in. The boat they were staying on would be more aptly named "house boat" as it was appropriately divided into rooms.

"Why – " Mei Ru started asking before Xiao Yan Zi shushed her quietly " – is it so dark in here?" Mei Ru finished her question in a whisper. The room was only lit with a small candle pushed for back into a corner of the room so that they could barely see each other.

"To give the impression to whoever is outside that we've gone to sleep," Yong Qi explained, well aware that Zhang Li closely monitored when lights were on or off in this boat. "There won't be anyone pressed up the door listening or anything since there are guards all across the lake banks but we might still want to keep the noise level down."

"And you've dragged me in here now because…?"

"So we can tell you what Er Kang, Xiao Jian and Du An have planned without creating suspicion," Xiao Yan Zi said.

"Your father may keep an insufferably close eye on you and thus, by association, the two of us, he is not exactly following the others around. In short, Xiao Jian and Er Kang have met with Du An came up with a plan. Or The Plan as they're calling it."

"Right." Mei Ru tensed up.

"Sorry we couldn't get you in with the plan discussion but considering how closely you're being watched, it wasn't the greatest idea to pull you into any illicit meetings…"

"You all are experts at planning illegal activities here, not me," Mei Ru muttered, to which Xiao Yan Zi giggled.

"Here's the plan," Yong Qi began. "Ten days from now is the new moon. It will be a dark night then. Huang Ah Ma and the other officials, including your father, has a scheduled meeting then discuss some state matters. Huang Ah Ma had excused me, Er Kang and Xiao Jian from that meeting since it would be Xiao Jian's birthday that day. The cover-up plan is that we're going out for dinner that night and also doing a bit of exploring of town…"

"At night?" Mei Ru asked sceptically.

"At night," Yong Qi confirmed, unperturbed. "Anyway, while we're in town, we'll drop you off with Du An, who will be waiting. Xiao Jian is going to arrange for people to ensure you two get to somewhere safe. Er Kang and Xiao Jian will take care of things like money and where you'd go afterwards, and we just have to make sure you know the plan and get ready to leave and get rid of whoever is on your tail. What we are going to do is we're going to have dinner at the house of Xiao Jian's friend, where Du An is staying, and drop you off there. Then the rest of us will go on a cruise on the lake, somewhere a bit of a distant away from here. We'll be going from Xiao Jian's friend's house to the lake by the carriage so whoever may be following us won't realise that you're not with us on the way to the lake since we'll be on the carriage before we come out of the gates. Either way, the fact that it would be dark, with the addition of Xiao Jian's friend with us, who has a sister who will be coming with us, it would be rather hard for people to pick out the fact that you're not there with us. Once at the lake, we'll stage a burning of the boat, when we'll all jump off the boat. This is when you'll supposedly drown. But in reality, of course, you'll be back at Xiao Jian's friend's house, and you should stay there for a while. The most dangerous place is the safest place, to quote Xiao Jian. There will be a lot of places to hide you there, whereas you'll be easier to find if you move around, since your tracks can be traced."

Mei Ru was shocked into silence for a while, before asking in a whisper, "You're planning to jump from a burning boat into the lake?"

"Yes, but it's not as bad as it sounds, you know," Xiao Yan Zi said quickly. "It'd just be Zi Wei and Qing Er who can't swim but Er Kang and Xiao Jian will make sure they're fine. Besides, the lake is really calm so it won't be that hard to swim to shore anyway. We're going to pick a place that's easy for us to swim from. Don't worry."

"It still seems a bit dangerous. I still think you're going through too much trouble for this," Mei Ru protested.

There was a pause when, through the darkness, Mei Ru can see Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi looking at each other.

"Well…" Yong Qi said a bit hesitantly, a bit reluctantly, almost, "we've taken precautions. Don't worry, we're not going to kill ourselves over this, you know."

"What kind of precautions?" Mei Ru probed.

"Ones that would ensure this plan succeeds," Xiao Yan Zi said. "You can't back out now, you know. You want this and you know it."

"But…"

"We've done this before. That was Huang Ah Ma's favourite concubine. It's going to be fine," Yong Qi assured her.

"There's more that you're not telling me, though, isn't there?"

"Perhaps, but we've told you everything you need to know."

Mei Ru sighed, knowing she wouldn't win further argument with them.

"You should gather the things that you want to take with you so we can get them to Xiao Jian's friend's house first, though," Xiao Yan Zi continued when Mei Ru fell silent. "Give them to me and I'll make sure Xiao Jian get them and take them away safely."

"Things?" Mei Ru asked blankly, her brain still busy thinking about the plan and not yet catching up with what Xiao Yan Zi was saying.

"Some clothes may come in useful," Yong Qi said dryly.

"Just make sure what you do take isn't bulky, though," Xiao Yan Zi smiled. "Any question?"

"No. Just that…are you sure you want to risk all this danger to go through with this?"

Even in the dim light, Mei Ru could see Yong Qi looking at her seriously. "Do you want to escape, to leave this miserable life behind and find your own happiness at last?"

"Yes. But…I'm so…" she trailed off, not sure what she was going to say.

"You're so used to the pain and misery and even now you still don't allow yourself to look forward to something good," Yong Qi said for her.

"Mei Ru, this is your way to get everything you've ever wanted," Xiao Yan Zi said.

"I don't know what I want, really," Mei Ru confessed softly.

"Every one of us at some point dream of a happy ending, and this is yours coming. Embrace it, get used to it." Mei Ru could see Xiao Yan Zi's eyes shining in the dark.

It was those words from Xiao Yan Zi that kept her awake that night, after she'd left them. Yes, she did once dream of her happy ending, but when that was shattered along with her heart and her spirit. She had desperately, painfully buried that dream away because dreaming more would only tear her apart. And now…she was to dig it up again, from somewhere deep inside her, to feel it again. The joy, the anticipation, the guilt, the longing, the wonder, the hope. And, with all that, standing out most in her mind were Xiao Yan Zi's words:

Embrace it.

* * *

The night before The Plan was to take place, Yong Qi stood outside Mei Ru's door, for a fleeting moment wondered if he was insane to plan to do this. But he knew it was the only way he could make this work, the only way he could prevent it. It was ironic, really, that after all this time, it had come down to this.

Yong Qi cautiously looked around him. All was in darkness, as it was late and everyone around were asleep already. Everyone, that is, except Mei Ru. He could see the lamp still alight in her room. Yet...something told Yong Qi he was being watched.

Shrugging off the idea, he knocked gently on the door. A moment later, he was face to face with Mei Ru. Hesitating just for a moment, he grabbed her hand and pulled her away, off the boat. Yong Qi only glanced briefly at the door to the room in which Xiao Yan Zi was supposed to be asleep.

"Where are we going?" Mei Ru asked quietly as Yong Qi offered no explanation as to why he was up looking for her at such an hour.

"Shush," Yong Qi whispered. "Not here. I want to show you something."

Yong Qi could practically feel Mei Ru's bewilderment in the darkness and he really couldn't blame her. It was the dead of the night, there really shouldn't be any reason for him to find her at all. No reason, except this.

He continued to pull her into a cluster of trees on the banks of the lake, until they were far enough in that the trees hid them from the views of the boats.

"Ok, what's going on?" Mei Ru gasped as Yong Qi finally let go of her.

For a moment, Yong Qi didn't speak, he just looked her. He tried to calm his breathing but his heart seemed to race faster the more he tried. Mei Ru's puzzled face seemed to shine and glow in the darkness of the new moon.

Yong Qi took a deep breath, shaking away the slight discomfort inside him, and pushed her against the tree behind her. Then he leaned down and kissed her.


	13. The Aftermaths

**Chapter 13: The Aftermaths**

* * *

For a moment, Mei Ru couldn't think. Her head was spinning. The kiss wasn't passionate. If anything, it could at most be called chaste, but it didn't change the fact that Yong Qi was kissing her! It was the first time he had kissed her, ever.

Bewilderment, shock, panic all fleeted through her in matters of seconds as she tried to push him away. But before she had quite succeeded in pushing him away, he was pulled away from her. For a brief moment Mei Ru was relieved to be released from the kiss, but then realised why, or exactly who, has pulled Yong Qi away.

There stood Xiao Yan Zi, her eyes flashing dangerously. Yong Qi, on the other hand, was doing a good impression of a deer caught in the headlight. Mei Ru herself flinched. She had seen Xiao Yan Zi angry, heartbroken, upset, but never this livid.

"Xiao Yan Zi – " Yong Qi started weakly.

"Don't you dare Xiao Yan Zi me!" she choked through anger and pain. "You – you – you – "

"It really isn't – "

"It really isn't what? What, exactly?" she asked in the same choked voice.

"Xiao Yan Zi – " Mei Ru spoke up, and later she would wonder why. She had no idea what she was going to say at the moment, or indeed, what was going on at the moment. After all, saying that she didn't want the kiss hardly changed the fact that Yong Qi was the one who initiated it.

"You stay out of this," Xiao Yan Zi snapped. As she turned briefly to face Mei Ru, Mei Ru could sense something other than anger in her eyes, but she couldn't make out what it was exactly in the dark.

She turned back to Yong Qi and shook her head in disbelief. "How – could – you? How could you?" Her voice was hardly raised, but it seemed unnaturally loud in the dead of the night, and it was filled with anguish.

"Will you just let me talk and explain?" Yong Qi exclaimed, frustrated.

"Explain, oh explain what?" The speech that Xiao Yan Zi launched into after this could only appropriately be called a rant. Yong Qi, for his part, was totally focusing on Xiao Yan Zi now. In fact, between the two of them, it was as if Mei Ru didn't exist.

For some reason, Mei Ru too, was transfixed by Xiao Yan Zi's anger. It was as if she was focusing on the only thing she could understand that night. Other than Xiao Yan Zi's obvious outrage, Mei Ru couldn't give an explanation for anything that happened before this. What on earth was Yong Qi thinking? He had sought her out very deliberately, it couldn't have been a spur of the moment act. That made things even more confusing. Why, now, of all time, did he kiss her? Not that Mei Ru wanted him ever to kiss her.

Mei Ru was so caught up in the confusion that she could hardly gasp in surprise when a hand clapped over her mouth, silencing her and pulled her into the darkness of the trees. When she finally realised what happened, panic filled her, until whoever was holding her turned her around to face him and Mei Ru caught Du An's eyes in the dark.

When assured that she would not scream, Du An released her, but placed a finger to his lips, motioning her to be quiet.

"What is going on?" Mei Ru whispered in perplexity.

"Shhh. I'll explain later," Du An whispered, taking her hand and pulling her away.

"But what – and – how about – "

"They'll be fine," Du An said shortly.

They have moved away from the cluster of trees, away from where the imperial boats docked; those boats now were just tiny spots in the distance. Mei Ru fearfully looked around, but no one was following them. Their surroundings, on land as well as on water, was clear, except for a small boat in the distance. Considering that portion of the lake had to be cleared for the imperial party, it was no wonder that there were no other boats around.

* * *

Meanwhile, Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi remained back where they were. Yong Qi has not said a word since Xiao Yan Zi started talking, it was as if he was well aware of what he did wrong and was resigned to listen to her censors.

It was as if neither of them realised that Mei Ru had disappeared.

" – if this is what you want then I don't know why you ever bothered to go through all that trouble to marry me," Xiao Yan Zi cried emotionally. "And after everything you've promised and I turn to find you – you – you – like this – then I've just realised marrying you was the biggest mistake of my life!"

Her eyes barely flicked to the side, but it was enough for both of them to confirm that Mei Ru wasn't with them anymore. Briefly, their eyes caught and the corner of Xiao Yan Zi's mouth twitched, before she shoved past Yong Qi and stalked away towards their boat with her nose in the air, anger still etched on her face.

It took Yong Qi a moment to react, but then he turned and raced after her, catching up with her in moments. He tried to take her hand but she yanked it away, keeping up the charade of her anger.

When they were safely back in their boat, Xiao Yan Zi collapsed on the bed, buried her face in the pillow and burst out in hysterical laughter.

"Well, I'm glad you find it funny," Yong Qi said teasingly, sitting down next to her, feeling exhausted.

"It's hilarious," she corrected him. She rolled over and looked up at him. "You know, the look on your face when I pulled you away was priceless. Let's just hope I never really have to catch you in a real situation like that."

Yong Qi just smiled and shook his head.

Xiao Yan Zi sat up and faced him. "So, how was it?" she asked.

"How was what, exactly?"

She rolled her eyes and nudged him. "You know…"

Yong Qi raised an eyebrow challengingly. "You really want to know?"

"Yes, otherwise I wouldn't ask."

There was a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. "It was nice, now I regret that I've never done that before this."

Xiao Yan Zi huffed and pouted; despite knowing he was not being serious, she gave him a punch on the shoulder. Yong Qi just chuckled and pulled her into his arms.

"To be totally serious, Xiao Yan Zi, that was about as enjoyable as kissing Zi Wei."

"You've kissed Zi Wei?" she asked.

Yong Qi just gave her a disgusted look.

"Well, otherwise how would you know?"

"I didn't. Now I do."

Xiao Yan Zi just laughed. Then she sighed contentedly.

"Do you think it worked?"

Yong Qi nodded. "Though I'm not sure how long it will be until all hell break loose."

Xiao Yan Zi smiled. "Well we can deal with that. As long as they're safe and tucked away."

"Don't worry, Xiao Jian will make sure they get somewhere safe and undiscovered."

She made a humming noise at the back of her throat and rested her head on his shoulder. "Oh and Yong Qi?"

"Hmmm?"

"I didn't mean what I said out there."

Yong Qi chuckled. "I know. It just puts me in perspective, that's all. Reminds me never to let you have a reason to mean those words."

"You've better not."

* * *

When the small boat that was in the middle of the lake floated towards them, Mei Ru had expected them to get on it, but they didn't. The boat just floated at the edge of the lake in front of them, covering them, while Du An led her further away from the lake and into town. Meanwhile, the boat went the opposite direction from where they were going. After a long while, a lot of criss-crossing through dark alleys, they ducked into the back gate of a building.

Finally, Du An led her to a room and closed the door behind them.

"What just happened?" Mei Ru finally asked, looking around. It was a well but simply furnished room. "Where are we?"

"We're at the home of Lu Yi, a friend of Xiao Jian's," Du An said.

For a moment, that was all he said. For a moment, they just stared at each other. And it was a moment later that Mei Ru realised her heart was beating rapidly and she was breathing shallowly. Then it slowly dawned on her…that she had escaped. She was here, alone, truly alone, for the first time in ages, with Du An, and she wasn't going back.

The realisation made her feel faint.

Had they really done it?

Du An was looking at her intently.

"What just happened?" she repeated her question again, breathlessly.

"Well, the plan that they told you that was supposed to take place tomorrow, was a bit of a cover up, in case someone managed to get it out of you. Tonight was the real plan. They deliberately let you have no knowledge of it so that you wouldn't give it away."

"So…all that…"

"Was part of the plan, yes."

"I'm still lost."

"The whole idea was that Yong Qi kisses you, Xiao Yan Zi catches you and creates a scene, to distract and hold off whoever might be watching you while I get you away. The only way anyone could have followed us would be making their way past where Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi were standing so unless they wanted to blow their cover, they couldn't. And Xiao Jian and Er Kang were around to be on the look out anyway, making sure that we got away."

"Xiao Yan Zi agreed to a plan that involved Yong Qi kissing me? No, better yet, Yong Qi agreed to a plan that involved kissing me?"

Du An chuckled. "It was Xiao Yan Zi's idea. And Yong Qi didn't agree to it. At first anyway. I don't know how she managed to convince him."

"It was her idea?" Mei Ru asked, shocked. "She put up a good act then."

"That's the point. Anyway, I think that was the easy part. The hard part is that they would have to explain your disappearance to everyone else."

"How are they planning to do that?" Mei Ru gasped, realising for the first time.

"I think they're going to tell the truth, right from the beginning."

Mei Ru just stared.

"Well, they said that this kind of secret never keeps for long anyway, so it's better to say the truth from the beginning. Besides, Hangzhou is a big city, there will be places to hide us in this house until the storm calms. It's not as if anyone could do anything to them anyway."

"Not as if anyone could do anything to them?" Mei Ru asked incredulously. "My father will not take this, do you realise that? And Huang Ah Ma definitely wouldn't approve, even if by some miracle he understands their motives."

"To quote Xiao Yan Zi, 'Huang Ah Ma can hardly do anything really bad to any of us when he has his grandchildren to think of.'"

This was true, to some extent, Mei Ru thought. Xiao Yan Zi had always said that it was despicable how the women in the palace used their children as a way of gaining power and securing their positions. Now, satirically, Xiao Yan Zi herself would have to count on Mian Yi to save her from any dire punishment from Qian Long. But at least, Mei Ru thought, she wasn't using Mian Yi for any of her own gain. Yet, still, part of Mei Ru was still uneasy for them.

Du An spoke again, pensively. "Yong Qi said to me the last time I saw him, to consider this: Who of us are the ones being really selfish in this situation, us for wanting to get you away or them for wanting to get rid of you?"

Mei Ru looked at him thoughtfully. Then she realised it would be Yong Qi's question that would come to her afterwards, whenever she may feel guilty about her decision to leave.

* * *

Wu Ah Ge and Huan Zhu Ge Ge were have disappeared into their boat before he, from his hiding place near his master's boat, realised that Mei Ru Xiao jie was no where in sight. For a moment, he was shocked into place. Then he raced to the spot where they had stood moments before and looked frantically around. It was as if Xiao jie had disappeared, vanished off where she stood.

She couldn't have gone back to the boat with Wu Ah Ge and Huan Zhu Ge Ge, could she? No, he'd had seen her if she did because she'd be approaching him. After all, he'd watched Wu Ah Ge and Huan Zhu Ge Ge make their way back to the boat and Xiao jie wasn't with them…

That was when he realised his mistake, his stupid, idiotic mistake that could very well cost him his life. He had let Huan Zhu Ge Ge's anger distract him and focused on her instead of Xiao jie.

But where could Xiao jie go? It was the dead of the night, where would she go? He had never really understood why Lao ye wanted him to keep tabs on Xiao jie, and always thought that Lao ye was over-reacting and being paranoid in wanting to keep Xiao jie always in sight. After all, until tonight, nothing very suspicious ever happened around her. But now, he wondered whether, after all, Lao ye had a point, and this, Xiao jie disappearing, was exactly what Lao ye had wanted to prevent. Wanted _him_ to prevent.

And he'd failed.

Xiao jie had disappeared right under his watch.

The realisation descended on him like a vulture, it would kill him.

Xiao jie had disappeared right under his watch. Lao ye would kill him.

He more than knew of Lao ye's temper, though he had not yet the misfortune of suffering the wrong end of it. But he knew, this task that was on his shoulder was a heavy one and he had dropped it, lost it. There was no way that Lao ye would spare him now. The only way he could ever hope of living for longer than it takes to tell Lao ye about Xiao jie's disappearance was to flee.

He no longer concerned himself with Xiao jie. After all, wherever she was now didn't matter to him anymore, now that he'd lost track of her. He couldn't find her in this darkness, not when she obviously had got away. No, the only person who he could save now, was not Xiao jie, but himself.

He was a selfish being, really. He hardly knew or cared what really went on in the household. Zhang Li had fed and sheltered him, therefore he served the man. But their attachment to each other didn't stretch much more than that. Now that he was sure the man and his household would turn on him, there was no way he'd stay. He was a healthy young man, after all, he didn't need to turn himself back into a known source of death. He could walk away now, and escape the wrath of Lao ye.

And that was what he did.

* * *

So he had unintentionally and unknowingly done a favour for Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi by delaying the time when Mei Ru's father would find out that his daughter had disappeared in the night.

For the trip, Xiao Yan Zi and Mei Ru had only brought one maid between them – Ming Yue - for the sake of convenience. That morning, while Ming Yue helped her dress, Xiao Yan Zi clued the younger girl in on the things that went on with Mei Ru. Ming Yue by now was too familiar with these little events in her mistress' life, and could only really, herself, wished Mei Ru well, especially when she had always been nice to her.

Considering what went on the night before, things were calm for most part of the morning. Er Kang, Zi Wei, Qing Er, Xiao Jian, Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi came together for breakfast at Er Kang and Zi Wei's boat for a recap of the things that happened.

As soon as everyone had sat down, Xiao Yan Zi asked immediately, "Well?"

"They got away fine. I made sure they got safely into Lu Yi's house. If they stay there for a while, they should be fine." Xiao Jian said calmly. "The bloke who was supposed to keep an eye on Mei Ru was too busy being distracted by you."

Xiao Yan Zi laughed. "So the plan worked a lot better than we expected?"

"Definitely," Er Kang said. "He only realised that Mei Ru had disappeared after you both went back to the boat. He looked around for a while and panicked, I think. He certainly wasn't trying to look for her after he'd realised that she'd gone, or even to inform Zhang Li. He fled. I followed him for a while, but he wasn't heading in any particular direction at all, just getting as far away from us as possible, I think, from the look of it. Well, in any case, him fleeing instead of reporting is all the better for us. Bought us a little time to rest, didn't it?"

"Well I was sort of hoping that someone else would break the news first to Zhang Li so that we have something to respond to. Looks like now we're going to have to bring the whole subject up," Zi Wei sighed.

"Oh I don't know. I think Zhang Li will look for Mei Ru soon, or send someone to look for her. I think he'll discover her disappearance himself," Yong Qi mused. "We just have to be ready for it. Let's just let Huang Ah Ma have breakfast in peace first, though."

* * *

In his own boat, Zhang Li was pacing agitatedly. Something was not quite right, he could feel. He wasn't one to usually worry about non-existent things so his sudden sense of disturbance must mean something was not as it should be.

The lackey he'd set on keeping an eye on Mei Ru didn't come in to report any suspicious, when he certainly should if something indeed was up. Yet this didn't reassure Zhang Li in the slightest. There was something about the deceptively clear, cloudless and cheerful looking day that bothered him.

"You!" He called to a passing servant. "Go fetch Mei Ru here. I want to speak to her."

The person who came through the door to see him a few moments later was not his daughter as he was expecting, but instead, his son-in-law.

"You wanted to see Mei Ru?" Yong Qi asked calmly. A bit too calmly, Zhang Li thought.

"Yes," he answered suspiciously. "Why are you here?"

Yong Qi disregarded his question totally. "Well, you can't."

"I can't what, exactly?" Zhang Li narrowed his eyes in deeper suspicion.

"See her," Yong Qi elaborated, still in the infuriatingly calm tone. "Sir." This was added almost as a second thought. Zhang Li would not be surprised if it were, considering he was more than aware that the young prince's opinion of him was bordering between contempt and resentment.

"And pray tell, why not?"

Yong Qi didn't answer but merely pulled out an envelope and handed it to him. "She left this for you."

_Ah Ma,_

_I can still remember a time when I once wrote a similar letter to you, but under very different circumstances. And I will write again what I wrote then. By the time you read this letter, I will be gone._

_You were wrong, Ah Ma, as I was. Du An was never dead, though he led me to believe so, led you to believe so. And it could not be coincidental, I don't think, that I met him again when I was supposed to be heading to see you, and he was the one to save Yong Qi from his injury. I don't think it takes much now for you to realise where and why I've gone. _

_Ah Ma, I don't think even you could fool yourself to think that either Yong Qi or I ever wanted our marriage or that we were ever happy in it. You know very well why we gave in to it, at the time in our lives when we both felt there was no point to fight. _

_For years, my life harboured no hope, because I thought the one person who mattered was gone. But somehow, by some miracle, the hope was returned to me by the one person with whom I thought I had no hope. Not Du An. Even with Du An alive, I could not dream to hope that my life could be different without Yong Qi's blessing. And I realised the freedom I sought years ago could not succeed when I was on my own. But it can now with the help of people who I can truly call friends for life and who care for _my_ ultimate happiness in _my_ life._

_Ah Ma, I know what you've always wanted for my life. I also know that what you want is not what _I_ want. It never was. Believe you me, I have never deliberately sought out to be disobedient for the sake of it. But the simple fact is that I cannot agree with the values you hold in life, and with this clash of values, I cannot be happy with the arrangements you want for my life, and the hopes you hold for me. _

_I write this in utmost calmness, Ah Ma. I cannot stay and carry out your dreams, not when it will make me, and others, miserable. In the end, what is there in life, except birth and death, and making sure one enjoys and does not regret what is in between? I know, right now, it will be too much for me to expect your blessings. But I hope one day, you will understand me like you never have, and be happy for me. _

_For now, wherever I am, I will still wish you well, despite all things._

_Your daughter,_

_Xi Lin Jue Luo Mei Ru _

Zhang Li couldn't believe the words in front of him, but at the same time, he could believe them too well. And he didn't know what was more infuriating at that moment, the fact that his daughter has managed to do what he had strived so hard to stop years ago – disappear right under his nose – or the contempt in the fact that it was Yong Qi who had helped her.

He looked up from the letter at Yong Qi, feeling every sense of fury, of being cheated. "Where is she?" he hissed, not bothering to remain civil.

"Telling you would defeat the whole purpose of helping her escape," Yong Qi answered mildly, looking directly at Zhang Li.

"You expect to be able to succeed in this, to get away with this, _sir_?" Zhang Li mocked.

"Indeed," Yong Qi shot back, equally mocking, unfazed. Zhang Li, on the other hand, seethed in anger.

"And what makes you think I will take this – this – outrage?" Zhang Li demanded.

"You wouldn't," Yong Qi shrugged almost carelessly. "But you can't do anything if you can't find her, can you?"

The prince was definitely mocking him, Zhang Li seethed.

"You think so, do you? Then, sir, what makes you think that your father cannot do anything?"

"Oh I doubt my father will be very happy, but pray tell me, what is the worst thing that my father can do to me?"

"Why, you – "

"All's fair in love and war, sir. This is a bit of both," Yong Qi shrugged. Then he continued, gesturing to the door, "Now, if you want to see my father about it, after you."

"Was that a dare, sir?" Zhang Li glared at him, pulling himself up in full height.

"Indeed not," Yong Qi said, straightening as well; he was taller than the older man. "After all, Huang Ah Ma will hear about it sooner or later."

Zhang Li held his glare for a moment longer, before sweeping out of the room in seek of the Emperor.

* * *

Meanwhile, Xiao Yan Zi, Er Kang, Zi Wei, Xiao Jian and Qing Er went to find Qian Long.

"Huang Ah Ma," Zi Wei began once the formalities were over, "have you ever wondered why Mei Ru agreed to marry Yong Qi without a single protest or showed any sign that she regretted it or made any complaints despite the fact that both of them can't make it any more blatantly obvious that they don't have feelings for each other?"

Qian Long raised an eyebrow sceptically and said, "No. Why?"

"See, this is the problem," Xiao Yan Zi said. "Marriage is supposed to be one of the happiest events in a person's life, yet with arranged marriages, no one ever bothers to ask whether the couple in question want the marriage or whether they are happy afterwards. People simply expect them to be happy. How? Happy about what?"

"Come to the point," Qian Long said suspiciously.

"The point is, Huang Shang," Qing Er said, "for the last four years, Mei Ru had been miserable, even if she did hide it even from herself. Do you know why?"

"I think you all have made your point with your rhetorical questions. You are obviously here to tell me something. Get on with it."

"Before she married Yong Qi," Xiao Jian began, "Mei Ru was and is in love with a man named Du An, a Han, who her father deemed below her and forbade her to see him."

"Du An?" Qian Long queried, suspicious.

"Yes, Du An. The man who saved Yong Qi from the poisoned arrow not long ago," Xiao Yan Zi confirmed.

"Well this is a coincidence," Qian Long said slowly, raising an eyebrow at them.

"Huang Ah Ma, Zhang Li and Yong Qi should be here soon, so we're going to tell you the quick version of this story now," Er Kang took over. "Du An is a Han whom Mei Ru fell in love with. They wanted to get married, but Zhang Li obviously disapproved, so they tried to elope – "

Here, Qian Long frowned suspiciously, but Er Kang plunged on ahead with the story:

" – and failed. Furious, Zhang Li ordered his men to beat Du An to death and took Mei Ru home. However, somehow, miraculously, Du An survived and lives till this day. He purposefully stayed away from Mei Ru, however, knowing that he would only hurt her more if he pursued her further. Du An really did literally just stumbled on Yong Qi's carriage when they were attacked. Until then, for the last four years, Mei Ru had always thought he was dead. That was partly the reason why she gave into marrying Yong Qi. It was Du An who saved Yong Qi from the poisoned arrow. If it weren't for him, Yong Qi would probably be dead. It was at his house in Beijing that we stayed when Yong Qi was injured." He was purposefully emphasising the fact that Du An saved Yong Qi's life and he knew that Qian Long saw right through the trick, but Er Kang went on. "Of course, for Mei Ru, to suddenly realise that Du An was alive all these years, and she married, was a tad…overwhelming to say the least."

Here, Qian Long held up a hand and stopped him. He swept a sharp look at the group in front of him; none of them avoided his eyes.

"I can see where this is going," Qian Long said softly. "Mei Ru – "

" – is no longer Wu Fu Jin and she's not here," Xiao Yan Zi confirmed simply. Qian Long looked at her for a long time but she did not look away.

"I suppose Yong Qi had gone to tell Zhang Li?" Qian Long asked finally, the tone of his voice was hard to discern.

"Yes," Xiao Yan Zi said determinedly.

"I see." Qian Long merely said. Then a silence filled the room, only broken a moment later by the announcement of Yong Qi and Zhang Li's arrival. The announcement of the guards outside seemed unnaturally loud in the tension.

"Huang Shang!" Zhang Li cried indignantly as soon as he walked into the room. "Surely you have heard what happened!"

"Huang Ah Ma ji xiang," Yong Qi greeted Qian Long as he strode into the room.

"Huang Shang ji xiang," Zhang Li echoed impatiently, not looking at all abashed at his late greeting. He went on, "Huang Shang, I beg you would help me get justice in this situation. They have gone off, stolen my daughter and sold her off to a scoundrel. This is an outrage! A scandal! A – "

Zi Wei and Qing Er looked at each other nervously.

"It would be even more so if you continue shouting about it at the top of your voice, Zhang Li," Qian Long interrupted impatiently. "While I fully understand your outrage, shouting about it will not help the matter."

Xiao Yan Zi exchanged a hopeful look with Yong Qi.

"Surely Huang Shang cannot condone this!" Zhang Li said, still indignantly but more quietly.

"I do not!" Qian Long said plainly. Zhang Li looked triumphant.

Er Kang gave Xiao Jian a worried look.

"Now, you six," Qian Long said, turning to them with a quelling glare. "What do you have to say to explain this? Why exactly did you decide to actually come out with the truth of this right away?"

"Huang Ah Ma, we decided to tell you the whole truth right away because of several reasons," Yong Qi explained. "Firstly, we've learned over the years that secrets like this inevitably come out at some point anyway, and it's better sooner than later. Also – "

"Also it's rather implausible that she could turn into a butterfly?" Qian Long mocked.

They all had the grace to look abashed, though Xiao Yan Zi did mutter quietly, "It's plausible that she drowned, though." This earned her a sharp, piercing look from Qian Long.

"You all didn't think I'd approve of this, did you?" Qian Long demanded.

"No," they all said.

"But you did it anyway," Qian Long continued in an unsurprised tone.

"Because this was, for first time in a long time, something that would bring her some happiness, Huang Ah Ma," Yong Qi explained resolutely.

"Happiness?" Zhang Li said derisively before Qian Long could answer. "As if that good-for-nothing rake could ever bring her any happiness."

"Excuse me, the good-for-nothing rake you are talking about happened to have saved my life," Yong Qi said coldly. "And, pray tell, how can you tell he could never bring her happiness when you've never truly seen them together?"

"He has no money, no prospects, absolutely nothing to recommend him," Zhang Li retorted.

"Perhaps you should learn, sir, that there are more to life than just money and prospects. As for having nothing to recommend him, how much do you actually know about him?" Xiao Yan Zi replied angrily.

Zhang Li didn't answer her but just looked at her contemptuously.

"I am sure you've all got a speech prepared about this, so let's hear it, then," Qian Long said after a long silence.

"Actually, we haven't," Zi Wei said tentatively.

"You haven't? Fine then. Everyone out. I want to speak to Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi."

Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi exchanged a small glance with the others before they slowly made their way out. However, Zhang Li stayed put.

"That means you too," Qian Long said, looking at him pointedly.

Zhang Li looked hesitantly annoyed for a moment, before turning on his heels and left as well.

Qian Long turned slowly back to Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi.

Xiao Yan Zi opened her mouth to speak, then realised she didn't know what she was going to say, and closed it, looking at Qian Long furtively.

"Let me get this straight," Qian Long said with a weary sigh. He looked at Yong Qi. "You reluctantly married Mei Ru and learnt that all this time she was in love with someone else. Then you happened to meet that man and decide that you would help her run away and elope with him?"

"That about covers it up, yes," Yong Qi said seriously. "After all, the man did save my life, it was the least I could do."

Qian Long stared at him for a long moment.

"Good grief, Yong Qi, whatever you may or may not feel for her, she is still your wife, not to be cast off just whenever she or you feel like it!" Qian Long reprimanded him.

Yong Qi hesitated for a moment, before saying frankly, "Huang Ah Ma, Mei Ru and I never gave an impression that our marriage was anything more than platonic. If…you must know, I never touched her."

Qian Long looked at him disbelievingly. Yong Qi couldn't help rolling his eyes, at which Xiao Yan Zi turned away to hide a smile.

"Huang Ah Ma, there are…ways to fake the white sheet on the bed on the wedding night," Yong Qi elaborated obligingly.

Qian Long looked at Yong Qi even more strangely.

"Yong Qi, you are a man. There are such things as pride and dignity and honour."

"Huang Ah Ma," Yong Qi said firmly, "I don't think masculinity and pride are so superficial as to have to be measured by the number of women in one's house. Nor do I think it's fair, dignifying and honourable for me to trap Mei Ru, or anyone, in a marriage where she is miserable, knowing I could do otherwise to bring her happiness, not when neither of us get much out of the said marriage and it is within my power to set her free, to let her choose her own path and be happy about it."

Xiao Yan Zi squirmed uncomfortably and coughed loudly. It was as if the two men suddenly just remembered she was in the room.

"Huang Ah Ma," she started, "can I just say something very honest?"

"Go on."

"This…this isn't like Han Xiang's case," Xiao Yan Zi said slowly, watching Qian Long's expression carefully. A dark look crossed briefly over Qian Long's face but he gestured for her to continue. "There was so much more at stake with Han Xiang's case – Huang Ah Ma's emotions, for one – but with Mei Ru, from the way we see it, no one really loses. Neither Yong Qi or Mei Ru ever wanted this marriage and it would make it more comfortable for both of them if they set each other free. Then at least Yong Qi would be free of the guilt and she would have at least a chance at happiness."

"No one loses except her family, you mean?" Qian Long asked coolly.

"Huang Ah Ma, there will always be…trade off," Yong Qi reasoned. "We all weighed the options carefully before carrying out this, as we did with Han Xiang. We knew the risks and the opportunity costs and we certainly wouldn't have done it if we weren't sure that the benefits will outweigh the costs. The truth of the matter is Xi Lin Jue Luo Mei Ru had always been a pawn for her father's political ambitions. Don't you think she at least deserves better with someone that could truly make her happy?"

"But one does not just go giving one's wife away to other men, Yong Qi," Qian Long exclaimed.

"Well, we weren't planning to announce the truth to the world, Huang Ah Ma," Yong Qi replied plainly. "That would cause too much talk and trouble, don't you think?"

"Do I think?" Qian Long said, raising his eyebrow. "You've got this all thought out, haven't you?"

"Not to make it seem calculated or anything, but yes, we did have a whole year to plan this, Huang Ah Ma," Xiao Yan Zi said.

"And you expect me to just accept this?" Qian Long asked disbelievingly.

"Huang Ah Ma, we'd hoped you would be able to understand my decision," Yong Qi said.

"_Your_ decision?" his father asked.

"Yes, as you said, she was _my_ wife," he answered boldly.

"And you are twisting my words around, using them against me," Qian Long said sharply.

"Huang Ah Ma," Xiao Yan Zi said, changing tactics and taking his arm, "I know you do understand our situation and motive, even if you don't approve."

"What makes you say that, exactly?"

"Because, if you didn't at least understand, would you speak calmly to us about it like this?"

"And if I do, what do you expect me to do about this situation?" Qian Long looked at her in disbelief. "I can hardly say to Zhang Li, well, too bad, get over it, can I?"

It was Yong Qi who answered him.

"Huang Ah Ma, we knew you wouldn't approve of what we did but we did it anyway. I know you think we put too much importance into feelings and emotions. We also know that to those like Zhang Li, position and rank is all that matters and whether Mei Ru is truly happy being there shouldn't matter. I do care about Mei Ru, otherwise do you think I would bother with whether she was happy or not? If I wasn't absolutely sure that Du An was what Mei Ru needed and that she'd be happy with him, I wouldn't have let her go. We did what we thought was best for Mei Ru, for all of us. I hope Huang Ah Ma can trust us enough to believe we are capable of managing our own lives successfully. Once upon a time, even Huang Ah Ma was ready to let all of us go to build our own lives outside the palace, but we came back, ultimately because we couldn't bear to be apart from Huang Ah Ma. This time, I am letting Mei Ru go, because I know she will be happier there without me than here with me."

Xiao Yan Zi gave a small smile and said, "Huang Ah Ma, rules and principles are only benchmarks in life, ideals that people strive towards. If we stick rigidly to them without knowing how to adapt and adjust them to situations, we'll all be like statues, set in stone with no variety. Lives, situations vary. Rules exist to guide people but we can't blindly follow them without thinking about the situation we're in. If principles and rules make people miserable, why can't we bend them? Rules _can_ be bent, even broken, if ultimately the reasons for bending or breaking them bring some good to the general population involved in the situation."

"This logic is based on what, exactly?" Qian Long asked.

"Utilitarianism, practicality, common sense," Xiao Yan Zi said easily.

"And as flawed as they are, I can't argue against them," Qian Long said, frustrated.

Xiao Yan Zi smiled even wider and said, "Huang Ah Ma, look at it this way, what's the real loss? She's still alive, and happy at that. The why can't we just be happy _for_ her?"

Qian Long just looked at the couple in front of him for a long time. Then he sighed almost as if defeated and said, "And what exactly do you suppose is to be done about Zhang Li?"

"Well I'm sure Zhang Li will be expecting you to look for her," Yong Qi mused. "And you should, subtly. But you won't find her."

"You seem very sure about that."

"Huang Ah Ma, if we wanted them to be found, we'd make it easy for them to be found. And since we don't, they'll be rather hard to find. Naturally we could tell Zhang Li that a very public search is being conducted to find Mei Ru but then again, I doubt that even Zhang Li would want it announced to the whole world that his daughter has disappeared right under his nose so he will insist on a quieter search."

"Reverse psychology? You've become very sneaky, Yong Qi," Qian Long observed. "You have this all planned out, it seems. Go on."

Yong Qi hesitated for a moment, then said, "I think we should get Zhang Li into the conversation now. After all, Huang Ah Ma, I don't think there's anything after this that can be said that he can't be here for."

* * *

A moment later, Zhang Li had been summoned and returned to the room.

"Well, Zhang Li, I have asked all I wanted of them. Now, what would you suggest we do next about this situation?" Qian Long asked.

Zhang Li turned and demanded of both Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi, "Where is Mei Ru?"

"As I said, sir, telling you would defeat the whole point of helping her escape in the first place," Yong Qi said mildly.

"Huang Shang!" Zhang Li cried indignantly. "Surely Huang Shang can make them answer this question."

"I believe they just answered your question, Zhang Li, and the answer is that they will not tell you. And I'll let you know, I know Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi much better than you do. They will not betray a friend, not even on pains of death. Asking them to give you a satisfactory answer now will be quite futile."

"Then what are we to do?" Zhang Li almost shouted angrily. He would have shouted, if he were not in the company of Qian Long himself.

"Hangzhou is a big city, Zhang Li, if you want a hope of finding Mei Ru, you will have to employ the forces of all the accompanying imperial guards and men under the command of the local magistrate. The search is likely to cause a lot of chaos within the city and people will definitely notice something huge is going on, especially the fact that we are conspicuously here."

Zhang Li looked at Yong Qi resentfully. "You expect me to refuse to conduct a public search, don't you?"

"What makes you say that?"

"Because it will be the talk of town if it got out that Wu Fu Jin disappeared and even more so if the real reason got out. You believe I wouldn't risk that taint to my family would, don't you?"

"I must say the idea did cross my mind."

"And what if I were to take that risk? After all, what is a little gossip, which will eventually die down, if it means I can take Mei Ru back?"

"Then you are welcome to take the risk, sir. After all, as you say, the gossip will die down. However, as I don't think you'll find Mei Ru either way, you're risking the gossip for naught. I, myself, would rather we settle this problem in a more subtle manner, but if you insist on stirring up the gossip, I don't think I can do much to stop you, as you couldn't have done much to stop us helping Mei Ru get away," Yong Qi said with a composed smile.

"And you think that you – all of you – could possibly get away with this?" Zhang Li demanded furiously. "There are such things as laws and justice!"

Yong Qi was no longer smiling. "Oh yes, laws and justice. You should not be the one to threaten me with laws and justice, sir. Not unless you want me to press charges against you."

There was a tense silence for a moment.

"Are you threatening me, sir?" Zhang Li hissed.

"Indeed, I am," Yong Qi said, pleased that the other man had caught on so easily.

"And what could you possibly threaten me _with_?" Zhang Li looked at Yong Qi challengingly.

They both seemed to have forgotten that Qian Long and Xiao Yan Zi were still in the room with them. Qian Long was listening to the conversation with a curious frown on his face now, and Xiao Yan Zi stiffened as she realised what Yong Qi was talking about.

"Let me see, a poisoning and attempted murder of my wife and then-unborn child should cover a lot of grounds, don't you think?" Yong Qi said in a dangerously quiet tone.

"I have nothing to do with that, that Xiao Qiao girl did it all by herself," Zhang Li hissed.

"That's not what she said," Yong Qi stated.

"Why don't you prove it?" Zhang Li retorted.

"I don't have to prove it. If you are enough of a man, you will not deny your actions," Yong Qi shot back.

There was a pregnant pause, in which Yong Qi looked at Zhang Li steadily and challengingly.

"I don't have to deny it from you," Zhang Li smirked.


	14. Reactions

**Chapter 14: Reactions**

* * *

"I don't have to deny it from you," Zhang Li smirked.

Xiao Yan Zi sneaked a glance at Qian Long while Yong Qi continued to stare steadily at Zhang Li. Qian Long's countenance had paled considerably, as he, too, realised what Yong Qi and Zhang Li were just referring to.

"What did you say?" Qian Long demanded, snapping Zhang Li out of his concentration on Yong Qi.

Zhang Li turned to Qian Long and suddenly realised, too late, what Yong Qi had tricked him into admitting in front of the Emperor.

For a moment, there was tense, thick silence as Qian Long looked at his subordinate suspiciously, while Zhang Li fumed, at both himself and Yong Qi for catching him in this situation.

"What did you say?" Qian Long repeated in a dangerously low voice. "You were behind the attempt to poison Xiao Yan Zi last year? You ordered that girl, Xiao Qiao, to do it?"

"No, no, of course not," Zhang Li spluttered wildly. "Huang Shang, how could I dare do such a thing, even if I had a thousand lives?"

"It would seem to me you just admitted that you were behind it. You just said you didn't need to deny it, did you not?"

"Huang Shang, I-I meant that I had nothing to hide and do not need to deny anything because I didn't do anything against my conscience," he improvised.

"How dare you!" Qian Long thundered, so suddenly that Xiao Yan Zi jumped, startled. "Do not take me for a fool, I know what your tone just then implied, as well as the meaning of what you said cannot be misunderstood. If you do not have to deny it from my son, then why deny it from me?"

Zhang Li, for all his arrogance and pride, recognised the dangers and dropped down on his knees and kowtowed repeatedly. "Huang Shang, please have mercy!"

"Did you order Xiao Qiao to poison Xiao Yan Zi?" Qian Long demanded icily.

"I – I – I – " Zhang Li only managed that much before realising there wasn't anything he could say and fell mute.

"I will take that as a yes, then?" Qian Long mocked.

Zhang Li banged his head continually again on the ground, pleading, "Huang Shang, please have mercy. I was delusional, I was – I regret it, I truly do. I only wanted to do what was best for Mei Ru – for my daughter – "

"At the expense of _my_ son and daughter? At the life of my grandchild?" Qian Long shouted furiously.

"I regret it, Huang Shang, I really do. Huang Shang, please, have mercy. I know I deserve a thousand deaths but – "

"Do not think I do not know that you do."

"Huang Shang, I do, I do. But please consider, my family have been your loyal subjects for three generations – "

"Yet you attempted the murder of my grandson. That is your show of loyalty?" Qian Long asked, his voice hard and cold.

"Please, I was blind, I was only trying to do what I thought was best for Mei Ru, to get her what she had a right to, what she deserved – "

"And in the process placing your whole clan's lives in danger. You know the punishment for your crime, don't you? You took a huge risk, Zhang Li. Whether it was really for Mei Ru's good is rather a moot point right now. And if I were you, I'd stop talking now. It would seem you're only digging yourself a deeper grave."

"Huang Shang – please – " Zhang Li stuttered feebly.

Qian Long ignored him but called for a guard to summon Er Kang. When Er Kang arrived, Qian Long said, "Take Zhang Li to the local magistrate, put him into the jail there until I have the time to deal with him."

The only sign of shock and surprise Er Kang showed at this order was meeting Yong Qi's eyes briefly, giving him a questioning look. Yong Qi slightly shook his head in answer then mouthed "Later" at his friend.

After Er Kang had left with Zhang Li, Xiao Yan Zi hesitantly approached Qian Long and said, "Huang Ah Ma, can you not make a big deal out of this…it's been so long, and nothing really bad happened, and in the end, it all turned out all right. Can we not dig it up again?"

"Not dig it up? And what, let him get away with it without any kind of punishment?"

"Well…it would be hypocritical of us if you punished him for his wrongdoings and not us for ours," Xiao Yan Zi said slowly.

Qian Long looked sharply at both her and Yong Qi. "Who said I am not going to investigate and punish you? Or are you saying that I should let both cases go?"

"Uh…" Xiao Yan Zi looked shifty.

Yong Qi cleared his throat. "I think, Huang Ah Ma, that Xiao Yan Zi meant that whatever punishment we get will be less than his – "

"And so it should be. His crime is much worst."

" – while our plan succeed but his did not."

"Again, you seem very sure that your plan succeeded."

"Huang Ah Ma, with all due respect, you won't find Mei Ru even if you do look for her," Yong Qi said seriously.

"Why would you _want_ to find Mei Ru anyway?" Xiao Yan Zi muttered.

Qian Long looked at her incredulously and started to talk but Xiao Yan Zi interrupted him. "Huang Ah Ma, really, why can't we just let her go? Fine, I know it's not entirely appropriate but if it's going to make everyone miserable bringing her back and everyone happy to let her go, why can't we leave the situation alone? Why hurt people just for the sake of propriety? Don't you think Mei Ru at least deserved some happiness? You can punish us however you want, but can you just leave her alone?" Xiao Yan Zi's eyes were brimming with tears which startled both Yong Qi and Qian Long.

"I see," Qian Long said slowly, looking at Xiao Yan Zi rather strangely. "All right, you two may go. I've had too many shocking revelations for one morning."

"What are you going to do about everything though?" Yong Qi asked.

"That is for me to think about now and you to find out later," Qian Long answered calmly, dismissing them with a wave of his hand.

As soon as they were out of eye and ear shot of Qian Long, Yong Qi turned to Xiao Yan Zi and asked, "Were those real tears?"

She looked at him in consternation, before sniffling, "Well, of course. And I don't know _what's_ wrong with me, I don't usually cry at a drop of a hat like this!"

Yong Qi squeezed her hand. "I think the stress is catching up to you."

"But why should it be stressful? I wasn't this stressed with Han Xiang. Why now?"

"You tell me."

She was quiet for a moment. Then she exclaimed emotionally, "I just want this to work, more than I even ever did with Han Xiang. Because – because she deserves it but also because I want it. Because I want you all to my own, totally, in every sense."

There was a pause, then she looked hesitantly up at him. "Does that make me petty? Are you angry now that I can be so possessive?"

Yong Qi gave a small smile. "No." He put an arm around her and pulled her towards him. "Not at all. Actually, it quite pleases me."

She raised an eyebrow at him.

"Well, put it this way, I want you all to myself, too, so it's quite nice knowing you feel the same."

Xiao Yan Zi gave a small chuckle. "Only you could make possessive sound like a nice trait."

"What's wrong with possessive?"

"Well, it sounds…shrewish."

"Well, it would make you _my_ shrew," he whispered in her ear, to which she responded by pushing him playfully.

Once they arrived back in their room, they found Xiao Jian, Qing Er, Zi Wei waiting for them anxiously. Er Kang was obviously not back yet.

"Well?" The others all asked at once upon seeing them.

"Well what?" Yong Qi asked.

_"What happened?"_ Xiao Jian pressed on.

"What did Huang Shang say?" Qing Er followed immediately.

"Where's Er Kang?" asked Zi Wei.

"We talked. Huang Ah Ma said a lot of things. Er Kang has taken Zhang Li to prison," Yong Qi answered obligingly.

_"What?" _exclaimed all three voices at once.

"All right, here's what happened. Huang Ah Ma's not exactly happy with us or the fact that we refuse to tell him about where Mei Ru is. Then the tide sort of turned on Zhang Li after I tricked him into admitting that he was behind Xiao Qiao's attempt to poison Xiao Yan Zi, after which Huang Ah Ma called Er Kang to cart him off to jail. After that, Huang Ah Ma dismissed us and we're not entirely sure what he's going to do next, now."

"Wait…how did you trick him into admitting he was the one behind the whole poisoning thing?"

"Well, it wasn't planned. He just said something and I reacted…and well...he brought it on more than I did, to be honest."

"So what happens to Zhang Li now?" Xiao Jian wondered.

"I don't know, but I don't think it's going to change much on what Huang Ah Ma will do about the situation with Mei Ru," Yong Qi said.

"So what do we do now?" Zi Wei asked.

"To be honest, I don't see much that we can do now," Yong Qi said. "We just have to wait for Huang Ah Ma's next move."

"I don't like waiting," Xiao Yan Zi said worriedly. "I hate waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wish we could solve everything now."

No one said anything for a moment. Then Zi Wei asked again, "So, now what? We wait?"

"Yes, I suppose we wait." Xiao Jian sighed resolutely.

* * *

Later that day, Qian Long called the six in to see him again.

"I've called a search of the city for Mei Ru," Qian Long announced.

They all sighed with varying degrees of exasperation.

"Under the pretext that she had gone off into the city alone and, for all we know, either got lost or kidnapped," Qian Long continued, unperturbed.

The six looked at each other, a little surprised. Still, they waited in baited breath for the Emperor to continue.

He looked at them all closely in turn, before asking slowly, "You are very sure that no matter what measure I take to find Mei Ru, she will not be found?"

"We would like to think so, yes," Xiao Jian affirmed.

"Then I suppose…after a while, we will have to call off the search and declare it futile," Qian Long concluded.

Six pairs of eyes looked at him in astonishment, despite the fact that each of them had intuitively half expected this statement.

"You are willing to let this go?" Xiao Yan Zi asked hesitantly.

"Well, it is not as if I have much choice, do I?" Qian Long asked, an eyebrow raised.

They exchanged silent, amazed looks for a long moment, as Qian Long observed them, a peculiar knowing look in his eyes.

"And us?" Zi Wei inquired when no one else spoke again.

"And you," Qian Long agreed.

"And what are you going to do with us?" Er Kang elaborated when that was all the reply Qian Long supplied them with.

"Nothing," Qian Long said.

"Nothing?" all six voices asked, stunned.

"Look at it this way. A punishment is supposed to make you see the consequences of your actions and stop you from doing the deed the next time. However, as I see it, I am sure you all completely grasp the consequences of your actions and I do not think there is a punishment dire enough to stop you from doing this again should another situation come up. This whole thing with Mei Ru obviously proved the opposite, that the last time you tried this only made you more determined to do it again this time." He paused for a moment, looking at them closely, before adding, almost like a second thought, "Well, that and the fact that there is a part of me that agree with what you did. But I didn't say that."

He didn't smile at them, but the look in his eyes made them all grin. Xiao Yan Zi threw her arms around him and gave him an affectionate hug. Zi Wei smiled gently and approached him, taking his hand and said softly, "Thank you, Huang Ah Ma."

"What about Zhang Li?" Xiao Yan Zi asked.

"What _about_ him?"

Xiao Yan Zi exchanged a look with Yong Qi, before saying, with an air of forced patience, "_Well_, what are you going to do about _him_?"

"That is for me to know and you to find out."

"But – " Xiao Yan Zi started.

"But nothing."

"Huang Ah Ma, may I make an observation?" Yong Qi asked.

"Go on."

"Well, don't you think it would look a little suspicious, that Zhang Li is arrested at the same time Mei Ru is…well, kidnapped, as you say?"

"Yes, but not totally unbelievable. There is, after all, a candid reason for Zhang Li's arrest," Qian Long answered.

"Yes, the reason is that he was behind the whole attempt to poison Xiao Yan Zi. The question people would ask is how do we know that?" Er Kang said. "After all, Zhang Li would hardly just come out and admit it out of the blue."

"I suppose you have a point," Qian Long said ponderingly. "Though in the end, it should not matter much how we know. The point is that we know."

"Yes, but still, the timing might raise unnecessary suspicion and talk, Huang Ah Ma," Yong Qi said.

"What do you propose is to be done then?" Qian Long asked.

"I think, we should try to tie the two events together instead of acting like they're separate," Xiao Jian suggested. "After all, if people are to connect them, we shouldn't try to wiggle our way out of it and make a mess in the process. If we're careful enough about the wording of how we tell others about Mei Ru's disappearance and Zhang Li's arrest, we could make it seem like in his initial shock of finding out about Mei Ru being kidnapped, he blurted out the truth about who was behind the attempt to poison Xiao Yan Zi. This, in reality, is not that much of a lie."

"And Huang Ah Ma," Yong Qi said, "I would suggest we wait till we get back to Beijing before we do any serious investigation of Zhang Li's case. After all, all the files are in Beijing and we might be able to find more information in Beijing. Zhang Li is not really worth Huang Ah Ma wasting time for this trip on his case."

"And…not to seem like we're taking advantage of the situation or anything, but Huang Ah Ma, I have reasons to believe that this isn't the only illicit thing Zhang Li had done." Er Kang said.

Qian Long looked sharply at him at this. "I see," he said slowly.

"A man with so much ruthless ambition for power as Zhang Li cannot be totally innocent of crimes, Huang Ah Ma. We just never had reasons to start an investigation. Now that we have a trigger, we can find out more about other things he'd done. But this is best done in Beijing, as I said."

"In that case, then, Er Kang, tomorrow I want you to make arrangements to send Zhang Li back to Beijing and the immediately into Zhong Ren Fu."

"Yes, sir."

* * *

"Well, I think we can relax now," Yong Qi told Xiao Yan Zi several weeks later. "Huang Ah Ma called off the search for Mei Ru."

She smiled with relief. "So it's over?"

"Pretty much," Yong Qi nodded and sighed.

"So what's Huang Ah Ma going to announce?"

"That she got lost, was kidnapped and killed. And that we found a body."

"We have?"

"Apparently. At any rate, death is the only way to stop people wondering of where she is."

"I suppose," Xiao Yan Zi said, preoccupied. "Does she know?"

"That we're going to announce her death?"

"No. About her father."

Yong Qi looked uneasy for a while. "Not yet. I put off going to see her when half the soldiers available in the city were out looking for her. But now that things have calmed down a bit, I'll have to tell her."

Xiao Yan Zi nodded understandingly. "You want to see her and tell her, not relay a message through Xiao Jian."

"Yes. I owe her that much, at least. I talked to Xiao Jian earlier about going to his friend's place tomorrow and he said it would be fine. We're leaving Hangzhou soon anyway, so that could be the excuse to visit Xiao Jian's friend. Not that Xiao Jian needs an excuse to visit his friend. Do you want to come with me?"

"Do you want me to come? If you just want to talk to Mei Ru, I won't mind."

Yong Qi raised an eyebrow sceptically at her, to which she gave a slightly dirty look.

"I really won't, you know."

"You should come with us." Then he added with a slight smile, "Even if it is only for cover."

"Cover?"

"Well it would look rather odd just Xiao Jian and I going to his friend's house. But with you coming along, we can say that Xiao Jian wanted to introduce his sister and her husband to his friend."

"Must there be a cover for _everything_?"

"When we're involved in schemes like this, it's only safe, especially when it's not exactly an innocent trip we're taking, to talk to someone who's supposed to be dead."

"I suppose," Xiao Yan Zi sighed theatrically.

* * *

The next morning shone sunny and bright as Yong Qi, Xiao Yan Zi and Xiao Jian made their way to the home of Lu Yi, Xiao Jian's friend, where Mei Ru and Du An were still staying.

After the initial meeting between Lu Yi and Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi, the couple was shown to where Mei Ru and Du An were staying, leaving Lu Yi and Xiao Jian to keep each other company.

"Well, I'd hoped we wouldn't ever be graced with your presence again," Mei Ru said jokingly when she saw the two of them.

"That keen to get away from us, are you?" Yong Qi asked.

"Well, from _you_, yes, lest you get the urge to kiss me again," she said, giving him a wary look. Xiao Yan Zi turned away and shook with silent laughter while Yong Qi turned his eyes upwards towards the ceiling and groaned. Du An, meanwhile, shook his head and smiled slightly.

"Rest assured, Mei Ru, I never particularly felt the urge to do that and I doubt I ever will," Yong Qi said, giving Xiao Yan Zi an accusing look, which made her even more amused. "_Anyway_, moving on…"

Here, Xiao Yan Zi, unable to keep her amusement quiet anymore, gave a small laugh which she tried to disguise as a cough when Yong Qi glared at her. She gave him an impish look in return.

"Sorry, none of us could actually be there for your wedding, by the way." Yong Qi continued, pretending the exchange between him and Xiao Yan Zi did not take place. "We thought it was safer for all of us if we didn't venture near you while the whole city was on the look out for you and Huang Ah Ma was watching us closely."

"It's all right," Du An said. "We didn't think you would be able to make it anyway considering all things. It's not as if we didn't already owe you enough for that opportunity."

"Though, to be honest, I don't think you would have noticed us if we were there anyway," Xiao Yan Zi teased, to which all of them chuckled.

"So how are you?" Yong Qi asked, smiling at them.

Mei Ru smiled wider than either Yong Qi or Xiao Yan Zi had ever seen her as Du An wrapped an arm around her. "We're good," Du An said simply.

"Very good, wonderful," Mei Ru elaborated, still grinning happily.

"I think we can see that," Xiao Yan Zi said, equally happily.

Yong Qi, on the other hand, just continued to look at the two of them and smiled.

"What?" Mei Ru demanded, a little self-consciously.

Yong Qi still smiled at them for a minute, then said, "I've just never seen you quite glowing like this before."

"Uh-oh, I think he might finally be attracted to you now, only when it's too late," Xiao Yan Zi joked, nudging his side.

"Very funny, Xiao Yan Zi," Yong Qi glared at her as Mei Ru pulled a horrified face; Xiao Yan Zi grinned.

"So is there a reason you two are here today or did you just miss me so much?" Mei Ru asked, changing the subject.

"Well, there is a reason, other than the fact that we wanted to see how you two are doing and that we'll be going home soon," Xiao Yan Zi said.

"What happened to staying here for three months?" Mei Ru queried.

"Well, something came up. We'll tell you about that later," Yong Qi answered. "But first thing first, you two. You must have noticed the search that was conducted for you, right?"

"It's kind of hard not to," Du An said. "They actually did a raid here too, but this house has quite a few secret hideouts. Besides they only had pictures of Mei Ru which meant we only had to hide her."

"Yes, well, the search was hopeless in the first place, even Huang Ah Ma knew that," Xiao Yan Zi said. "It was more or less for show anyway."

"The…official word that is going to be announced soon is that you were kidnapped and killed. There'll be a funeral once we get back to Beijing and basically the idea is that we just have to keep up the act for a little while until it dies down."

Mei Ru raised an eyebrow a bit uncomfortably.

"You're bothered about this?" Xiao Yan Zi asked.

"No," she answered slowly. "Not about being announced dead and a funeral or anything. Just the amount of work it will still mean for you to have to "keep up the act" as you say."

"To be honest, that would be the least of our problems with other things we will have to deal with once we get back to Beijing. Or, to be more exact, it more concerns me than Xiao Yan Zi, but still," Yong Qi said. "We'll talk about that later. Anyway, Huang Ah Ma had basically let the issue go and accepted the situation. The search is called off now so you're relatively free."

"Did you really tell Huang – Huang Shang the truth from the beginning?" Mei Ru asked. Neither Yong Qi nor Xiao Yan Zi commented on the changed way that she referred to Qian Long.

"Yes, it was better that way, really," Xiao Yan Zi said. "He'd find out sooner or later; secrets like this never keep long. We thought it's best to confront it from the beginning than let it brew. Let's just say by now Huang Ah Ma has let it go."

"It doesn't sound like him," Mei Ru said sceptically.

"No, but other things contributed to that. Anyway, you two, do you have any plans yet for after this?"

Mei Ru and Du An looked at each other.

"Well, we were thinking about staying here in Hangzhou. It's a peaceful place. We thought coming back to Beijing now when things are still so fresh could be risky. After you leave here, things will settle down. I think we have enough money to open a medical clinic here. We'll be all right," Du An reassured them.

"That's good," Yong Qi said.

He paused for a moment and exchanged a look with Xiao Yan Zi before turning back to Mei Ru and began, "There is, obviously a reason we're here."

Mei Ru remained impassive.

"Your father," Yong Qi began, then stopped, watching Mei Ru closely.

"Go on."

"Well he's part of the reason we're leaving early." Then he recounted the conversation with Zhang Li and, subsequently, Qian Long to her and told her of the situation at hand. "Er Kang arranged for him to be taken back to Beijing where he should be keeping company with whatever foul thing is present in a cell in Zhong Ren Fu. He made it a pretty quiet affair so no one other than the six of us and Huang Ah Ma really know what happened just yet."

Mei Ru chewed on her bottom lip, stood up and looked away from all of them. There was a silence for a moment when the other three looked at each other pensively, waiting for her to speak.

"Well." For a moment, that was all she said. Then, "I can't say whatever happens to him after this will be something he doesn't deserve."

"But…?" Yong Qi asked.

"But I just hate that so many more, some of them innocent, people who will bear the cost of his ruthless ambitions." A pause. "And it is rather disconcerting in the fact that he is still my father, no matter what he did, or what will happen to him."

She turned around and faced them.

"But then again, I suppose it's his comeuppance," she finished.

"You know I can't promise anything at the moment," Yong Qi told her, "but if Huang Ah Ma puts Er Kang and I in charge of this case, which I suspect he will, I'll try to make sure that the only people who are punished will be the ones that truly deserves it."

"I know you would," Mei Ru said. "But I know that no matter what happens, my entire family will all be affected by this, though maybe some more than others. Though that can't be helped, I know."

"No," Yong Qi sighed. "But I will try to reason with Huang Ah Ma about things and see that we don't make a massacre out of this. Of course, all this may depend on how much we find out about what he's been up to all these years."

"You know it might be hard to find any evidence of any of his past illicit actions, though? He'd had taken care to destroy the evidence."

"I've thought about that. But to be honest, what we know already would be enough as it is."

"You know, part of me is glad that now he'd be stop from inflicting harm on other people but there is a part of me that wish…things didn't have to be like this. Or rather, maybe I'm wishing for him to have been different."

"I think we'd all wish for him to have been different," Du An cut in. "If he were, things would have been different for all of us."

"If we could just wish someone around us to be different and they'd be…well, then things would be _very_ different long go. But really, where's the drama in that?" Xiao Yan Zi said, half-jokingly.

"Because we all need a little more drama in our lives," Yong Qi shot back sarcastically. Then, more soberly, he said, "Seriously, though, you will have to let go of things in Beijing now, and trust us to make the best of things there for you, as is within our power."

"I am, and I do." She gave them all a wry half-smile. "It's just, part of me feels selfish being here, but really, I know I cannot complain or ask for things to be different. It's just a bit unsettling, that's all."

"Unsettling is a bit of an understatement, don't you think?" Xiao Yan Zi said archly, making them all splutter with laughter, despite the situation.

The four of them stayed together and talked for over an hour before it was time for them to leave.

"Well, good luck," Yong Qi said, shaking Du An's hand. "If you ever need anything, you know where to find us. Though maybe contacting us through Hui Bin Lou or Er Kang is probably safer."

"I know you said not to, but really, I have to thank you, for everything," Du An said.

"Just take care of her," Yong Qi smiled.

"I will."

Xiao Yan Zi gave Mei Ru a parting hug.

"Take care, Xiao Yan Zi."

"I will. You too."

Yong Qi simply smiled at Mei Ru and said, "Good bye, Mei Ru."

"Good bye, Xiao Yan Zi. Good bye, Yong Qi."


	15. Back to Beijing

**Chapter 15: Back to Beijing**

* * *

"Ah, the feel of Beijing," Xiao Yan Zi sighed blissfully a few weeks later as they made their way back into the capital.

"Beijing has a feel?" Yong Qi asked.

"Of course, the feeling of home," she smiled.

"And I thought you wouldn't want to come back to the boring palace."

"I think we all need a bit of boredom about now. There's been a bit too much drama on this trip."

"It must had been a lot of drama if _you_ come out saying that," Yong Qi chuckled.

"Though you know we can't be seen being too happy about being home considering we are supposed to be mourning a death."

The funeral for Mei Ru was held soon after their return to Beijing. It was an extremely uncomfortable moment when it had to be announced to the Xi Lin Jue Luo family of Mei Ru's supposed death and Zhang Li's arrest at the same time. Of course, Qian Long had told Yong Qi he did not need to be present for the announcement, but Yong Qi, of course, felt he could not decently get out of it, no matter how much he wanted to.

The funeral was small and quiet, considering the situation with Zhang Li, and it was, Yong Qi felt, for the best, considering the coffin _was_ empty. It was not hard to put on a sad face, and the funeral gave him time to think about the general scope of things. As much as Yong Qi knew he did the right thing in setting Mei Ru free, and that he had no regret about it, Yong Qi wished that it wasn't deception that got Mei Ru and Du An together in the end. Though, Mei Ru had a valid point. Wishing things to be different is moot. And really, if things had been different, would they had necessarily been better? His laughed ironically to himself. Two years ago, before Xiao Yan Zi came back into his life, he would had thought that anything would had been better than being married to Mei Ru. But now, looking back, he realised it hadn't been so bad, after all. She was actually supportive of Xiao Yan Zi and him. Yes, it could have been much worst. But, then again, he mused dryly, "problems" like these always seem much less significant when they are no longer there.

It must be noted, however, that all those who were privy to the real details of Mei Ru's "death" were extremely relieved when it was all over.

"Well, I have to say that was an extremely odd experience," Xiao Yan Zi said to Yong Qi once they were alone. "The first funeral of this kind that I've ever attended and the person the funeral was held for isn't even really dead."

"Is that a good thing?"

Xiao Yan Zi chuckled, "I'm not sure. But at least it's over. Now, what is Huang Ah Ma doing about Zhang Li?"

"He gave it to Er Kang to investigate and work out which is probably a good thing. It might be a little awkward if I directly take part in it. Officially I won't be involved in any of it. Off the record, I'm asking Er Kang to tell me everything."

"He would anyway, without you asking, considering all things."

"True."

About a month later, Er Kang made his way to Qian Qing Gong to make the final report about Zhang Li's case to Qian Long. It had been most illuminating to look into the sources of the Zhang Li's wealth and the officials he consorted with and his dealings with them. After a long grueling month of investigation, Er Kang had unearthed a long list of embezzlement and misuse of the country's resources. Of course, Yong Qi had provided him with some leads with the investigation from his conversations with Zhang Li in which Zhang Li dropped broad hints to Yong Qi about the possible ways Yong Qi could support him in his schemes.

"He did all this?" Qian Long demanded, looking at the summary of Er Kang's completed reports.

"Yes, and all the evidence and supplementary materials are attached for Huang Ah Ma's inspection."

"Well, what do you suggest about his punishment? And that of others, of course, who were involved."

"With that list of crimes, I don't think a death sentence would be too harsh. With other officials who were involved with his dealings I have also included suggestions of possible actions."

Qian Long looked sharply at him. "Just death? You do realise that his poisoning attempt of Xiao Yan Zi alone is punishable by his entire clan being wiped out?"

Er Kang chose his words carefully. "Yes, but Huang Ah Ma, firstly, that would involve killing a lot of people, many of whom are innocent. Secondly, I do not think either Yong Qi or Xiao Yan Zi would want, or be comfortable with, such solution, especially when the incident happened quite a while ago now. As long as those who _are_ guilty are punished, I don't see the need to take more lives. I've calculated the Xi Lin Jue Luo clan's holdings, and after we've taken away all his illegal money and properties, there should be enough left to move them to somewhere away from Beijing."

"You feel very strongly about this, I suppose?"

"_We_ _do_!"

"I suppose then, if I were to not agree, you lot would talk until you could persuade me?" Qian Long asked, an eyebrow raised.

"You know us too well, Huang Ah Ma," Er Kang answered humbly.

"Very well," Qian Long sighed. "I will _consider_ your suggestion as I read your report. You may leave."

"Yes, sir."

As he left Qian Qing Gong, Er Kang had little doubt that the matters will eventually go as he and Yong Qi had hoped, for Qian Long was reasonable enough to realise the sheer ruthlessness in killing so many people just because they happened to be related to Zhang Li.

And so, in the end, that was what happened. Zhang Li was brought to his death, perhaps a quicker and cleaner death than he deserved but he was gone from their lives, nonetheless, and unable to inflict further pain and troubles on anyone else. Those he consorted with suffered their own appropriate punishments. Those of his immediate family who were left were ordered to leave Beijing, which they did and no one ever heard from them again.

Mian Yi's first birthday was greeted with lavish celebrations which Xiao Yan Zi thought was totally over the top. After all, it was not as if Mian Yi understood much of it and it was _she_ who had to put up with all the fuss around it. She bore it with good spirit however, as, after all, there wasn't much reason to complain about anything anymore. But it must be said that she was glad when the formal celebrations were all over.

"I have to say," Xiao Yan Zi told Yong Qi the morning after Mian Yi's birthday celebrations, "how wonderful it was that all the festivities were held for Mian Yi and he probably spent half of the time at home sleeping."

Yong Qi smiled. "Well, it's the spirit and the thoughts that count. The fireworks would probably have scared him half to death anyway."

"True enough. Do you think we'd actually have time to spend with our son today like we _didn't_ yesterday, being busy with all the ceremony for his birthday?" Xiao Yan Zi asked ironically.

"I don't think anyone will bother us today," Yong Qi chuckled.

They settled with Mian Yi in the bedroom after breakfast when Xiao Yan Zi resumed her quest of trying to teach Mian Yi to say "Er Niang." Zi Wei had insisted that both her sons had managed to speak their first word by one year old and Xiao Yan Zi was determined not to fall behind.

"Come on, now, say it. Er Niang – " Xiao Yan Zi coaxed.

Yong Qi shook his head, amused. "Xiao Yan Zi, leave the poor boy alone. He'll speak when he wants to. Won't you, Mian Yi?"

"Well he's got to imitate people to speak and how's he going to speak if we don't speak to him?" Xiao Yan Zi shot back.

Mian Yi chose that moment to utter, "Ah Ma."

Xiao Yan Zi turned to stare incredulously at Mian Yi. The sight and what just happened was so comical that Yong Qi burst out laughing.

"I don't believe it. I absolutely don't believe it. I spent the last five days trying to teach him to say Er Niang and he says Ah Ma?"

Hearing the word again, Mian Yi repeated it once more, clapping his hands together. "Ah Ma!" This made Yong Qi laugh even harder. Xiao Yan Zi looked thoroughly put out.

"I'm sure he loves you, Xiao Yan Zi," Yong Qi said between laughs. "Ah Ma is just slightly easier to say."

Xiao Yan Zi huffed as Mian Yi said it again.

"Well, he's talking, isn't he?" Yong Qi asked, smiling.

Xiao Yan Zi couldn't help but smile as well and said, grudgingly but playfully, "Well, I suppose he is. It's better than nothing, I guess."

"Ah Ma!" Mian Yi said again.

"He won't shut up now, will he?" Xiao Yan Zi chuckled.

"No."

"And you won't let me live this down."

"No, not particularly."

Xiao Yan Zi fell back dramatically onto the bed and sighed loudly. Yong Qi laughed and pulled Mian Yi towards him and said, "I think Er Niang is a bit put out with us now, Mian Yi."

"Ah Ma!"

"Oh Heaven," Xiao Yan Zi moaned, banging her head against the pillow while Yong Qi laughed harder. Then she sat up and took Mian Yi from Yong Qi, so that the baby sat on her lap.

"Ok Mian Yi, who is this?" she asked, pointing at Yong Qi.

"Ah Ma!"

"Do you think he really knows that or is he just saying that because that's all he's saying right now?" she asked Yong Qi, who was shaking with mirth again.

"I don't know," Yong Qi answered. Then, pointing at Xiao Yan Zi, he asked Mian Yi, "And who's this?"

"If he says Ah Ma, I'll…" Xiao Yan Zi began to say. But they never did find out what she'd do, as Mian Yi answered:

"Er Niang!"

Xiao Yan Zi was amazed and giggled in delight. "So he does know, after all."

"Looks like it," Yong Qi chuckled.

Xiao Yan Zi lifted Mian Yi above her and tickled his stomach, "You are the clever one, aren't you?"

Mian Yi giggled delightfully.

A while later, they handed Mian Yi over to his Nai Niang for his nap. Back in the bedroom, Xiao Yan Zi snuggled against Yong Qi's embrace.

"It's still a bit scary how fast he's growing, really," she said a bit wistfully.

"You ready for another one then?" Yong Qi asked, kissing her neck.

Xiao Yan Zi widened her eyes and looked at him innocently, asking as if not understanding, "Another what?"

Yong Qi rolled his eyes. "Another _baby_."

Xiao Yan Zi pouted, "Well, that would depend on your behaviour. It's not as if I can make it happen all by myself, is it?"

Yong Qi looked at her, a smile playing at his lips. "No, it's not." Then he leaned down and brushed his lips against hers, after which no more talking was necessary.

The next day, Qian Long came to Jing Yang Gong just as Yong Qi, Er Kang, Xiao Yan Zi and Zi Wei were sitting together, talking.

"Well, it looks like just the people I want to see are here," Qian Long said as he sat down. "I need to talk to you two," he nodded to Yong Qi and Er Kang, "about the upcoming visit from a delegation from Mongolia."

"Yes, sir?"

"The King of Mongolia is coming for a visit, he should be here in 2 months and he will be staying for at least 3 months," Qian Long began,

Xiao Yan Zi and Zi Wei exchanged wary looks.

"Oh no," Xiao Yan Zi muttered.

Qian Long acted as if he didn't hear this but the corner of his mouth twitched.

"He will be bring along with him his – "

"Not another one," Xiao Yan Zi couldn't stop herself from groaning. Zi Wei, Yong Qi and Er Kang looked torn between amusement and agreement.

"Another what?" Qian Long asked mildly.

"Another _princess_. Why do they all have to bring a princess?"

"You have a problem with princesses, Xiao Yan Zi?"

"Well, it's just that every time a foreign princess comes, it causes all the problems in the world."

"Ah, but do _they_ cause problems or do you? As I recall it, all the problems came from you."

"But the problems involve them. If they didn't come here and then there wouldn't be a problem. I mean, why do all the foreign princesses have to come here to look for husbands? Are there no men where they live?"

"I'm sure there are, Xiao Yan Zi," Qian Long answered, very amused. "But that's a bit irrelevant at the moment."

"It's never irrelevant, Huang Ah Ma - "

"Xiao Yan Zi!" Qian Long tried to cut in.

"There's always a reason for them to come and – "

"Xiao Yan Zi!"

She closed her mouth and looked defiantly at him.

"If you would let me speak," Qian Long said finally.

"Yes, sir."

"As I was _saying_, the Mongolian king will be bringing with him his eldest son." He looked archly at Xiao Yan Zi.

"Oh." Xiao Yan Zi said finally, after a silence, in a small voice. Zi Wei, on the other hand, looked visibly relieved.

"As such," Qian Long carried on, smirking at Xiao Yan Zi and Zi Wei, "I want you two – Yong Qi and Er Kang, to start organising their stay here."

"Of course, Huang Ah Ma."

After giving Yong Qi and Er Kang more details and instructions on the Mongolian delegation's visit, Qian Long rose to leave. However, as he reached the door, he paused, turned around and said, "As you two would probably be spending some time with the Mongolian king and, in particular, prince, I would advise you to make it very clear where your claims lie. Just in case you happen to have similar tastes as the prince."

Qian Long gave Xiao Yan Zi and Zi Wei a pointed look, before walking out the door, leaving the girls feeling mortified and Yong Qi and Er Kang especially wary about this impending visit and the prince who would soon come with it.


	16. Epilogue: Yong Zhang's Ball

**Epilogue: Yong Zhang's Ball**

* * *

_"On with the dance! let joy be unconfined;_

_No sleep till morn, when Youth and Pleasure meet_

_To chase the glowing hours with flying feet."_

~George Gordon, Lord Byron, _Childe Harold's Pilgrimage_

* * *

_Home of the Chinese Ambassador to England, the Third Prince of China, Ai Xin Jue Luo Yong Zhang, in Mayfair, London, England_

Yong Zhang looked at the glass of brandy in his hand. He missed Chinese wine. For all the years he'd been living in England, somehow he never got used to the taste of European drinks, liquor especially.

It had been a year since he left China. The journey to England had taken five months. In the last seven months, in the hustle of settling into England again, he had successfully pushed the events that happened while he was home out of his mind. Most of the time.

Yong Zhang stared at the amber liquid in the glass. It was ten o'clock in the morning, too early for brandy. But today, Yong Zhang somehow needed it badly. It was over two years ago that he met her. Did he regret meeting her? Would he rather had not met her, knowing it meant he would never had loved her, and felt the pain? The English said that it was better to love and have lost than to never have loved at all. Now, Yong Zhang asked himself if it was indeed better. There were times when he could forget that she was now his brother's wife, and reminisce the time they did have together, but those times were brief and few, as the fact that he was here, alone, only reminded him too forcefully of the truth. There were still moments when he found himself wishing...but he did not allow himself that often either, knowing his wishes could never come true. Most of the time, however, he buried himself in his work, distracting himself from thoughts of her.

England, of course, was full of ample sources of distractions. The social season had just started in London and he received invitation to balls and social functions nearly every night. Some of these invitations he could get out of, some he could not. Yong Zhang took no real joy in the abundance of balls and parties of the English ton, which put him into the company of far too many unmarried ladies. These ladies and their matchmaking mothers split into two groups when it came to their opinions of him. The first group not-so-secretly disdained him for being a foreigner and Chinese; an example of someone in this group was Caroline Bingley, whose good opinion Yong Zhang never regretted not having. The other group fawned over him in hope that he'd fall for their obvious attempts to win his heart, make them an offer and give them access to his status, his prestige and wealth. Yong Zhang had witnessed the blatant courting game of the English ton since he first arrived in England, but being brought up with very conservative Chinese values, he never learnt to accept it or be comfortable around it, or find it natural.

The door opened and his eunuch, Xiao Lan Zi, stepped inside. Though he lived in England, most of Yong Zhang's household staff were Chinese, which meant that he actually had someone to speak Chinese to.

"Viscount Ashbourne, sir," Xiao Lan Zi announced. The thick wooden doors in England did not allow his servants to stand outside the door and announce visitors as they would in China.

The eunuch stepped aside to make way for James Fitzwilliam, Viscount Ashbourne to enter the room. Ashbourne was the eldest son of the tenth Earl of Matlock, and heir to the earldom and very extensive properties in Derbyshire.

"Ashbourne!" Yong Zhang greeted the other man, having not seen his friend since he left to go back to China.

"Yong Zhang!" In formal circumstances, Yong Zhang was always referred to and addressed as the Third Prince of China. Yet he could not let his close friends such as Ashbourne address him as such. Due to the universal refusal of English men to address their friends by their given name, Ashbourne had always been at loss at what to call to call Yong Zhang. Yong Zhang refused to let anyone call him Ai Xin Jue Luo in England, as would be the English custom. To have the name of the ruling family of the Great Qing empire thrown around casually by his English friends was unthinkable. After some great debate, the only suitable name that his friends could call him was his given name, as he refused their offer to give him an English name.

"Where on earth have you been hiding, Ash? I've been in England since the end of last season, and haven't had any evidence of your being alive save a few very brief replies to my letters," Yong Zhang said as the two of them sat down.

"Sorry I couldn't be more specific to my whereabouts in the letters. Practically no one in my family had left Derbyshire since we left town last season. I believe we left just before you arrived back in England. Of course, that is excluding Richard, who had been in Wales in the last year with his regiment." Colonel Richard Fitzwilliam was Ashbourne's younger brother, an officer in the British army. "My mother was ill, you see, and we thought it all better if we stayed with her in Derbyshire and not create a fuss in town. But she'd made her recovery now, and insisted that I take my sisters to town for the Season. Of course, the ton being the ton, was aghast at the idea that we came in late for the Season. Forget the Countess of Matlock recovering from a deathly illness, the Viscount and the Fitzwilliam ladies are a month late for the start of the Season and missed the Season opening at Almack's!" Ashbourned finished with his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Yong Zhang chuckled. Then he said more seriously, "I did actually hear about your mother being ill from Charles Bingley. I saw him at the Duke of Richmond's ball the other day and didn't see your or Darcy so I asked him about where you were and he told me you were all in Derbyshire. I am glad your mother is better now."

"Oh yes, the Darcys have just arrived in town as well. Speaking of Bingley and Darcy, how did you find Mrs Bingley? I remember you left for China just as they got engaged and didn't get a chance to meet her or Mrs Darcy."

"Well, for once, Bingley was not exaggerating about her beauty. Though I can see how someone like Darcy could make the comment that she smiled too much. I suppose I have yet to see whether Mrs Darcy is as wonderful as Darcy makes her out to be and as not wonderful as Lady Catherine made her out to be."

Ashbourne rolled his eyes. "You know, I still can't believe that my aunt went and asked you to dissuade Darcy from marrying Elizabeth. How on earth did you get rid of her, anyway?"

"I pulled precedence on her, and ordered her out actually. I wouldn't have done that normally, even to someone as...troublesome as your aunt, but she caught me in the most inconvenient time. I was going crazy with preparation to return to China and she was being rather loud and generally driving me to distraction. It never occurred to her that, whether as a prince of China or as a friend of Darcy's, I could not persuade or order him out of the marriage even if I wanted to."

Ashbourned burst out laughing. "I can't believe you pulled precedence on Lady Catherine! I would have loved to see her face then! But of course, I must say she got what she deserved it, coming to a perfect stranger to demand him to stop his friend's wedding to someone he himself had never met!"

Yong Zhang smiled wryly. "So have Lady Catherine got used to Darcy's marriage yet? She didn't do anything drastic like storm in and protest at the wedding, did she?"

"Oh no, after she went to everyone she could reach to express her disapproval, generally creating rather a lot of gossip in town regarding Darcy's 'country bride', Darcy still insisted on marrying Elizabeth. I think this determination quite put Lady Catherine into shock and she refused to come to the wedding. Though after Elizabeth gave birth to Master Andrew Darcy three months ago, she'd grudgingly visited them at Pemberley and is now referring to Elizabeth as Mrs Darcy now, instead of Miss Bennet like she did for months after the wedding."

"Where is Darcy, anyway? Some friend he is, I'd expect him to come with you to see me at least, considering we have not seen each other for over two years!"

"He's around. He told me to apologise to you and said that he and Bingley had a bit of family business to settle. Though from the look on his face, family business spelled Wickham."

Yong Zhang and Ashbourne exchanged a knowing look. From their friendship with Darcy, they both knew that Wickham in turn spelled trouble.

"Anyway, you'll probably get to see him at the ball we're hosting next week."

"What ball?" Yong Zhang asked suspiciously.

"Formal invitations are coming tomorrow, but I thought I'd tell you about it now. My sisters think that to make up for our arriving late in town, we should host a ball, so I find myself up to my neck in ball preparation. It was a hard feat for me to escape it to see you today, you know. As usual, of course, the invitation is for a party of four, but as usual, I know you will show up alone, and grudgingly," Ashbourne grinned.

"You know I do not take pleasure in society balls, Ash, and I do wonder why you keep inviting me to them," Yong Zhang grumbled. "You know very well I'd thank you not to force me to attend them."

"You don't attend them, Yong Zhang," Ashbourne chuckled. "You make your presence known, wander listlessly once around the ballroom then spend the remainder of the night in the card room, sulking. Even Darcy feels obliged to dance at least once at a ball he attends, but you flatly refuse to. I do wonder why you even bother learning to dance."

"Because I am told it's one of the social requirements around these parts? And I told you why I don't dance, Ash, especially with ladies with whom I've just been introduced and know nothing about."

"Yes, I know, you and your Chinese rigorous conservative rules. You do realise the only contact you have with a lady dancing is holding her hand for about 2 seconds, and normally the lady wears gloves? And how do you expect to know about them if you don't dance with them?" Ashbourne shook his head.

"And if I do dance with them, rumours about an engagement will be flying faster than I could blink. I have my status and dignity to maintain, Ash, and cannot allow myself to be subject of gossip, especially not when I am here representing my father. I am not in England to find a wife, Ashbourne."

"Yet you know they will not stop chasing you, until you marry, at least. Goodness knows Darcy realised that, and gotten rid of the matchmaking mamas by getting himself a wife. I'd half expected that you'd have done the same while you were in China."

Yong Zhang didn't answer but looked away.

"Yong Zhang?" Ashbourne asked with concern at his sudden quietness.

"It's nothing," Yong Zhang shrugged finally. Ashbourne raised his eyebrow so high that it had danger of disappearing into his hair. Yong Zhang knew Ashbourne didn't believe him that it really was nothing. Yong Zhang cleared his throat. "What about you? It's not as if you're free of matchmaking eyes either, heir to the earldom and cousin of the rich Fitzwilliam Darcy and all."

"I do not want to marry yet," Ashbourne waved a hand airily. "I am still enjoying the freedom of bachelorhood. So how about the ball? You are coming, right?"

"Yes," Yong Zhang said grudgingly. "I can't very well turn down your invitation, can I?"

"Good!' Ashbourne said jovially. "You'll need to learn the waltz then! I'll bring my sisters around for your lesson tomorrow."

"Wait! Pray tell, why would I need to learn the waltz?"

"Yong Zhang! The waltz is all in the rave right now!" The waltz has just been recently imported to English balls and dances from the Viennese court.

"I thought it was deemed the scandalous dance?" Yong Zhang frowned.

"Oh it is, but people love it! So you have to learn it!"

"No thank you. I think I shall sit down the waltzes...and a good few other dances! My status and position here does not allow me to hold a lady in my arms in public."

"Oh, honestly, it's a dance!" Ashbourne exclaimed exasperatedly.

"But by the rules of courting here, if I favour a lady by dancing the waltz with her, you know speculations will be flying. I simply refuse to dance or learn the waltz."

"Suit yourself," Ashbourne sighed resignedly. "But you will have to dance. There are obligatory dances that you will have to participate in you know. Let's see, a guest of your status can't very well not dance with the hostess, so that will be a set with each of my sisters. Then undoubted Darcy will introduce you to his wife, and by courtesy as his friend, you should dance a set with her."

"Obligatory dances? There are those in every ball I attend, and I have yet to participate in any of them, including in balls hosted by your family. And I do not see how dancing with Darcy's wife can prove my friendship with him. If dancing here is considered a courting device, then why would I want to dance with my friend's wife?"

"I know you're just asking these rhetorical questions to worm your way out of dancing, Yong Zhang! Oh yes, you have to dance with Georgiana."

"Georgiana - ?"

"My cousin, of course! Darcy's sister. Incredible that for all the time you've known me and Darce, you've never met Georgiana. But of course, Georgiana is so much younger than Darcy. Last season was her first season out in society. You missed her being presented at St. James' and her coming out ball."

"And why exactly would I _have_ to dance with her?"

"Aside from her being the sister of your friend and cousin of your host and hostesses? Because you should be nice, since Darcy will definitely introduce you. And Georgiana is considered quite a catch, you know. All last season every eligible bachelor in town must have had his sight on her. Seeing how protective Darcy always was and is of her, I think he's only ever going to let her go to someone he knows really well and trusts - "

"Ashbourne! Stop! If I didn't know better, I'd say you're trying to match make me with your cousin. Somehow, I don't think Darcy is going to appreciate that. And, aside from the fact that I'm over ten years older than her, it will never ever work out, trust me."

"What if I am matchmaking?" Ashbourne asked cheekily. "My cousin deserves the best, you know. And you haven't even met her, Yong Zhang, how could you conclude that it will never work?"

"The same way that I always know I cannot let myself be subject of gossip in English society. Ash, you really are not going to understand. If in China, a marriage between the ruling Manchurian and a Han commoner is already forbidden, what makes you think marriage with a foreigner is going to be acceptable? And trust me, marrying into my family is a...hassle. Even if, hypothetically, I happen to fall in love with Georgiana Darcy or any other English lady, the chances of my receiving permission from my father to marry her will be very remote. That and the fact that I will not ever be willing to subject her and myself to the fuss and gossip the whole nation will pick up if I were to marry a foreigner."

Ashbourne shook his head. "It's incredible that a man of thirty needs permission from his father to marry."

"Well," Yong Zhang said wryly, "some people just elope. But a prince's marriage is not a simple matter. I think my father expected me to marry when I was home...Well, he expected me to do a lot of things by calling me home, among them is to stay back in China. But...well..." Yong Zhang let out a sigh, a far off look on his face.

It was only the long friendship between them that enabled Ashbourne to say this next comment. "I never thought I'd see the Third Prince of China lovesick," he said quite with a straight face.

Yong Zhang looked sharply at him. "Oh don't bother denying it, Yong Zhang," Ashbourne continued. "Just then you looked incredibly like Darcy did when he was mooning over Elizabeth."

"Did I?" Yong Zhang simply asked.

"All right, all right, I won't ask. But that's all more the reason to come to the ball instead of sitting home by yourself, isn't it?"

"I already said I'd come, haven't I?" Yong Zhang shrugged. "Really, Ash, I will be all right. I came back to England mainly to be away."

Ashbourne looked at his friend for a moment, then changed the subject to something more mundane.

Yong Zhang took a deep breath as the carriage slowed and the Matlock townhouse came into view. Yong Zhang always dreaded making the entrance into a society event, because he knew everything about him, from his hair to his clothes, was utterly foreign to the English society. He entered the townhouse, handed his cloak to the footman at the door and approached the receiving line.

"Yong Zhang!" Ashbourne exclaimed as he caught sight of him. Yong Zhang shook his hand, and smiled when Ashbourne added. "Welcome! Mind you have fun! Darcy should be inside already."

"Your Highness, it is very good to see you again," Lady Rachel and Lady Emily Fitzwilliam greeted him with a curtsy, to which he gave a short bow. In China Yong Zhang would never bow to someone under his rank but he had long learnt that the bow was a gentleman's courtesy in English society and even he could not get out of it without appearing rude.

Yong Zhang left the receiving line and entered the ball room. He spotted Darcy standing with two young women who could only be his wife and sister, and they were talking to Charles Bingley and his wife. Caroline Bingley was no where to be seen, but Yong Zhang suspected she must be coming with her sister, Mrs Hurst. He made his way over to the party.

"Yong Zhang!" Darcy exclaimed with a wide smile as he reached them. "I am very glad to see you again! Ash and I did wonder whether we'd be seeing you again when you left for China."

"Hello, Darcy! Even when I left for China was in two minds whether to return, but as you see, I am here again. I see marriage agrees with you, you no longer look like the brooding Darcy I know over the years," Yong Zhang teased, to which Darcy smiled and shook his head at. Yong Zhang shook Darcy's hand warmly before turning to greet Bingley.

"Your Highness," Bingley said in greeting as he bowed to Yong Zhang, and his wife curtsied beside him. Yong Zhang's acquaintance with Bingley was only through Darcy and thus there still was a certain degree of formality between them.

"Bingley, it is very good to see you again. Mrs Bingley."

"Yong Zhang, let me introduce you to my wife, Elizabeth, and my sister, Georgiana," Darcy spoke again. "Ladies, His Imperial Highness, the Third Prince of China, Chinese Ambassador to England."

The ladies curtsied while Yong Zhang gave a short bow. Mrs Darcy was not as beautiful as her sister, but there was a spark of warmth to her eyes and she seemed less nervous in making his acquaintance than her sister had been.

Yong Zhang had to admit that Ashbourne had been right. Georgiana Darcy's dazzling, innocent beauty, coupled with her very attractive dowry and connections, would certainly make her quite the catch in society. She seemed to be very shy, and all the while greeting him, she was staring at the floor.

Shortly after the introduction, the first set of dances started. Bingley and Darcy led their wives off to the dance floor and Georgiana was claimed by her cousin, Viscount Ashbourne, for the first set, leaving Yong Zhang alone to make his usual round about the room. Until supper drew near, the ball passed as balls usually did for Yong Zhang, i.e. he walked about the room, observing the dances but refusing to take part in them, and deflecting Ashbourne's attempts to get him to dance. One difference was that now even Darcy was trying to persuade him to dance, which made Yong Zhang stare at Darcy in astonishment because he had always known Darcy to dance as little as he could get away with at balls.

Nothing was out of the ordinary until Georgiana claimed fatigue and asked Bingley to forgive her but she felt she must break her dance engagement with him. Bingley led her to a chair near where Yong Zhang was standing, and after making sure she was all right by herself, made his way to his sister, Caroline, who was standing without a partner and looking annoyed on the opposite side of the room.

For some odd reason, Yong Zhang found himself observing Georgiana. She was looking around the room, generally observing the party around her. Then, suddenly her gaze stopped at one spot, and Yong Zhang could see blood drain visibly and rapidly from her face. Her eyes became wide and she pressed her handkerchief to her mouth. Yong Zhang followed her gaze and saw that she was staring at a young couple across the room from her. Yong Zhang did not know either the man or the woman. When he looked back at Georgiana, he saw that she had gotten up, trembling, from her chair, and walked rapidly out towards the balcony away from the crowd. Yong Zhang could not help but feel concern for her and followed her. She was standing staring out into the night sky outside.

"Miss Darcy?" he said quietly. She whirled around, her countenance still pale. She curtsied upon seeing him. "I could not help but see your distress just now. I was wondering if I could be of assistance?" Yong Zhang continued.

"Your Highness, I - I thank you for - for your offer," Georgiana said quietly and not very coherently. "I am fine, sir, and am only in need of some fresh air."

"Truly, Miss Darcy, you do not look well," Yong Zhang insisted. "Perhaps I could get your brother or your sister-in-law or any of your cousin - "

"Please sir," Georgiana said urgently, fear in her eyes, "please do not bother Fitzwilliam about this. I - "

"Perhaps you could tell me why you are so distressed to see that gentleman and lady?"

Georgiana grew paler, if that was even possible and tears filled her eyes. "What gentleman and lady?" she said in a futile attempt to cover up her distress.

"Miss Darcy, please, I really am trying to help you. You do not look well and if you could tell me what is bothering you, perhaps I can help."

Georgiana looked away and Yong Zhang saw her brush away a tear but she was silent. Yong Zhang squirmed uncomfortably. He was useless around crying women. Part of him told him to leave her alone like she obviously wanted him to, but a stronger part told him to stay, even if he couldn't do anything to comfort her.

"I thank you for your offer to help, sir, but truly there is nothing you could do to help me. I only needed to get away for a moment," Georgiana finally spoke again after a long silence. She hesitated, then added, "The gentleman is Sir Thomas Summer, and the lady is his wife, the former Miss Isabelle Hart. He and I - had a brief courtship last season, but he neglected to tell me that he was already honour bound to an arranged marriage to Miss Hart. This is the first I see of them since their wedding last winter, and I just needed some space to collect myself." Georgiana spoke then in her mind she wondered if she had completely lost her senses to be telling this to a perfect stranger.

Yong Zhang was at loss of what to say to Georgiana. Georgiana seemed to sense his discomfort because she went on, "I assure you, sir, I will be fine in a moment. It was just a bit of a shock as I did not expect to see them tonight. I did...I did have attachment to him but I shall not pine, sir."

"No, you should not," Yong Zhang agreed. "Dwelling on it will only let you sink deeper in your loss and sense of self-pity which then eats at you and you could never be free..." Yong Zhang trailed off and stared into the distant before he realised that Georgiana was looking at him in confusion. He shook his head and smiled. "Would you like some company while you take advantage of the fresh air, Miss Darcy?"

What on earth am I doing? Yong Zhang asked himself. The last thing he needed now was for someone to spot him alone out in a dark balcony with Georgiana Darcy, or any lady for that matter. Even as he thought this, Yong Zhang realised with shock to himself that the prospect of remaining there with Georgiana was more inviting than going back to the stifling ballroom.

But Georgiana replied, "No, thank you, sir. I think I must head back to the ballroom. My brother will be wondering where I went off to."

Before he knew what he was doing or why, Yong Zhang heard himself say, "May I ask if there is a free dance on your dance card, Miss Darcy, that I could request the pleasure of standing up with you therein?"

Georgiana stared at him. Yong Zhang said hastily, "Of course, your dance card is probably full, I should have sought your hand for a dance earlier - "

"I apologise, sir, it's just that my brother said you...rarely dance," Georgiana said shyly, then immediately looked downwards.

"I - " Yong Zhang stuttered, unable to think of a reply that would make the situation more comfortable. Mentally, he was berating himself. What was going on that he was reduced to stuttering?

"I have the Supper Dance free, sir, and the set after supper, the waltz, and I will be happy to accept your invitation for either dance," Georgiana said, after he unsuccessfully tried to talk.

"The Supper Dance and the waltz?" Yong Zhang asked in astonishment. Yong Zhang knew that her dance card must be almost full. He could see why perhaps she might be uncomfortable accepting an invitation for the waltz, but it was incredible that she still had the Supper Dance free.

"I - I usually keep the Supper Dance for my brother because I prefer to dine with him and family. But I've already danced a set with my brother tonight, so I think he will be grateful for another dance with Elizabeth."

Yong Zhang thought of reminding her that she should give the dance instead to Bingley seeing as how she didn't dance with him earlier, but stopped himself. That would then sound like he really didn't want to dance with her and asked the first time out of pity. And that really was not the situation. So instead, Yong Zhang said, "Thank you, Miss Darcy, I will honoured to partner you for the Supper Dance. May I now escort you back to the ballroom?"

Georgiana took the proffered arm and they entered the ballroom.

* * *

**THE END**

**_© Ruan Chun Xian 2007-2009 - PDF version downloadable from author profile page._**


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